Sometimes we want to give our sex intimacy in marriage a boost, but we don’t quite know how to get things going. As women, we can have an even harder time initiating sex, because it feels so … awkward.
But there are so many ways to let your husband know you want to make love — tonight. And I’ve put together a list of 40!
Before I begin, I want to give a caveat to the high-drive wives out there. Some of you are just a bit more charged up than your husband, but if you can get things going, he’ll be right there with you. If that’s you, most of these suggestions will work.
Other high-drive wives have to put more effort to get their guy on board, in which case the more direct forms of sexual initiation are more likely to result in success.
And some of you high-drive wives have unwilling husbands. If you’re in this last group, I’d suggest skipping this post and reading this one or this one instead.
And now for the 40 ways to initiate sex with your husband.
- Greet him with a passionate kiss. Go above and beyond your usual hello smooch and put more oomph into it.
- Send the kids to grandma’s. Make space and time for you two to be alone together and see what happens.
- Put on your intimacy playlist. Set the tone with music.
- Slow dance in the living room or your bedroom. Get up-close and in each other’s arms and see where it leads you.
- Prepare the bedroom for intimacy. Set the mood with special lighting, silky sheets, etc. — or at least the laundry piles off the bed and the kids’ Legos back in their room.
- Leave him a note. On his mirror, in his briefcase, on his dashboard, in his sock drawer — wherever he’ll see it.
- Wear suggestive lingerie. Don that revealing outfit that makes his gaze linger.
- Leave a “bread crumb trail” to the bedroom. Use anything from flower petals to bite-sized candies to love notes to draw him into the bedroom where you await.
- Take him lingerie shopping, and invite him to be involved in your purchase. Choose something together you’d like to try on, and take off.
- Read Song of Songs together, trading off the male and female parts and directing your words at each other. It’s a sexy book. In the Bible. Trust me.
More Direct Methods
- Gift wrap a box, hand it to him and say, “This is what I’m wearing to bed tonight,” then let him open up the box to find it empty.
- Flash him — your breasts and/or your southern region. Give a subtle peek or display the goodies, but either way could get his motor running.
- Cook his favorite dinner and, while you’re eating, tell him you’re dessert.
- Sext him. (Keep it to something that, if your adult kids found it, would make you really blush but not swear off eye contact for the rest of your life.)
- Whisper into his ear what you want to do with him sexually. Bonus points for specificity.
- Wear a skirt or a dress without undies and let him know you’re going commando.
- Offer to give him a body massage. Have the massage oil or lotion ready to go, and stroke his whole body with your hands.
- Ask him to give you a body massage. Turn the tables and let him put his hands on you.
- Book a hotel room. Getting away can free your minds for a night of great sex.
- Schedule sex on the calendar. That may not sound sexy, but why not put on his and your calendars a date and time for sexual intimacy?
Making It Clear You Want Him
- Slip into bed naked. When he rolls over, he’ll know what you have in mind.
- Tell him you’re available for sex. This sounds blah, but it can work to simply say, “If you want to make love, I’m totally up for it tonight.”
- Write him a sex poem. You’ve heard of love poems, but how about one that’s a little steamier?
- Purchase a new marital aid (lube, board game, wedge pillow) and suggest trying it out.
- Make a list of sexual positions and ask which one he wants to try tonight. (See Christian Friendly Sexual Positions for ideas.)
- Offer to play Strip ____. Poker, Battleship, Checkers, whatever.
- Find a sex tips chapter from my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous, bookmark a page with a note saying “let’s try this tonight,” and leave it for him to find.
- Ask about his sexual fantasy, or tell him yours. Even if you don’t act it out, you get the conversation started for what you want to do sexually.
- Suggest a challenge, like “First one to make the other climax gets out of doing dishes tonight.” (This only works as a playful idea, not real bartering.)
- Give him a straightforward multiple choice of foreplay options: So tonight, do you want a hand job, a blow job, or to give me oral sex?
Getting Right to It
- Say, “I want to make love with you. Right now.” No mixed message there.
- Take his hands and put them on the intimate places of your body, inviting him to fondle.
- Undress him. Bit by bit or tearing off his clothes — whatever floats your boat.
- Kiss him in that place you know he likes. Behind his ear? At his waistband? Inner thigh? Find that special, sensuous spot and start kissing.
- Snuggle up to him and slyly begin massaging his testicles. Gently, teasingly.
- Reach over and touch, stroke, or squeeze his penis. Many men like the direct approach — going right for the good stuff.
- Perform a strip tease. (The Marriage Bed has specific tips here.)
- Straddle his hips, pressing into him where it counts. It’s a strong taste of what could be happening if you both got naked.
- Get in the shower with him, and start soaping him up.
- Drop to your knees in front of him, unzip his pants, and stroke his man-part with your hands or mouth.
That’s it! FORTY ways to initiate sex with your hubby! Now go forth and give one a try. Then come back in a few days, or even tomorrow, and choose another.
28 thoughts on “40 Ways to Initiate Sex with Your Husband”
I would have no complaints to any of these
Thanks for the alt links for the high drive wives with unwilling husbands! 🙂
You’re welcome! You ladies are always on my mind. 🙂
I can’t even imagine doing any one of these. I have lost all confidence and these make me just feel sleazy.
My husband brought porn, lust and lying into our marriage for well over a decade and we have never recovered from this tragedy. We have zero physical contact. Sleep in different rooms, we don’t have even the slightest physical contact.
I am fascinated that any woman would have the confidence to do even one of what you describe.
Anna, I too have suffered the pains of infidelity so I understand the hurt you have gone threw. I also let it destroy my marriage,we are currently seperated right now because I couldn’t get past it either. Since this time apart I have begun to see things from a different perspective. I see now that it wasn’t about me,it is his struggle and what I wouldn’t give to be able to be by his side to help him threw it. I too shut myself off from him because I let it fester in my mind about where he had been and what sort of things he was doing. I let it ruin my marriage,now he has shut me off..I have forgiven him for hurting me and pray one day we can mend all of these pains between us. And reading this post about intimicy with my husband,Oh what I wouldn’t do to have just one special moment with him again,to hold his hand to feel his worth next to me. I miss and love him so and now I sit and wonder is it too late? Please Anna search your heart and find forgiveness towards your Husband,I’m sure he didn’t perposely intend to hurt you,don’t let a life time of hurt and pain go by without trying to mend things between you two. Life is too short and regret is even worse..Stop punishing him and set yourself free and find forgiveness..This is coming from a Wife who understands..God Bless
It is called taking back what rightfully belongs in a marriage and not letting sin and its effects continue to destroy.
There is no way I can objectively compete with the women in porn. But, I don’t have to. I am WIFE. I am more than photoshopped, young, made up, well-lit, surgically altered body parts. So much more.
Someone in this marriage needs to take the first step..,.either to recovery, or out the door.
Libl, thanks for your response. However, with respect, I find it quite ironic you should tell me someone in my marriage needs to take the first step… Either out the door or towards recovery.
You have been very vocal about your own marriage issues surrounding this issue and I guess my advice to you would be the same… Either out the door or towards recovery.
My heart aches for you. Yes, you need time to heal. But I pray that you can move toward the kind of intimacy I talk about here. For a starting point, check out my post on Rebuilding Trust in the Bedroom: https://hotholyhumorous.com/2012/07/rebuilding-trust-in-the-bedroom/
Just start moving in the right direction. Blessings!
How about, just leave your post open on the computer?
Do you have a list of 40 things men could try on their wives. Statistically, at least one should work, shouldn’t it?
Le,props to you for asking.Good Luck..
All of these presume some willingness on your mate’s part to engage. So if you have that, yeah, I can come up with some ways for husbands to initiate. I’ll give some thought to that subject and try to post something soon!
My husband is out of town and will be home tomorrow. I was looking forward to him being home anyway, but this list of ideas is making me wish he’d get home sooner! This is a post I’m bookmarking and will come back to. Thanks, J!
Welcome home, hubby! I’m sure he’ll be very glad to be back in your arms. 🙂
I did leave it open for my husband to see and we have had some fun with remarks like, “Look out, here comes number 38!”
If only 🙁
The best i get is “well, I guess its been 8 months, and I don’t have anything to do tonight, so if you want to do anything, I guess we can so long as it’s quick.”
She would be horrified that I would even suggest anything on this list.
John, I’ve been there, my friend, and I know the pain in your heart. Keep praying for God to change her, but even more, for God to show you what needs to change in you. I had about 20 years of very infrequent sex, and then four years of complete refusal. God was working in my life to correct some attitudes I had that were not right, especially in that I had to learn that sex is even more about communication and relationship than it is the needs of my body. Little did I know that while I was undergoing these changes, my wife was coming under conviction that her refusal was a sin. God miraculously brought about these changes at the same time. In my case, I had to focus more on communicating with my wife in a way that was meaningful to her, even though it was not something that came easy to me: conversation. But while I was getting used to that and finding that I really did like talking about things with my wife, even to the point that she couldn’t shut me up sometimes, I was also clearing out some sexual baggage from the past. Within a few ekes of that, we resumes sex and it has been wonderful since. Not always perfect, but we are closer than ever. I’ll be praying for you and your wife. And I hope others here will join in. Please keep your heart and eyes on Jesus and let Him heal this situation n His time and in His way.
My first reaction to this post was…oh boy…even with the disclaimer for higher drive wives. But after taking a few deep breaths and praying a bit, and trying to collect myself – I have to say that most of these are very good ideas, and I will probably be trying some of them in the near future.
I’m learning to work through my insecurity and resentment and focus on the good in my marriage.
See, I have had to come to terms (and hopefully peace) with the fact that (unlike most married couples) my (the wife) sex drive is more spontaneous, and my husbands sex drive is more responsive. This is a very, very difficult thing that I am learning to work and grow through.
It’s really, REALLY hard to be a woman and be higher drive, when there are so many, many, many articles about men with intense sexual desire and love for their wonderful wives. It can lead a HD wife to feel ugly and undesireable. I spent YEARS trying to figure out what was so very wrong with me.
The answer might very well be, nothing. My husband and I have read a bit about spontaneous and responsive desire, and while it may be reversed for almost all other couples – it looks like we are just, well, different. And I have to learn to be okay with that.
It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. It doesn’t mean he isn’t attracted to me. It’s a very bitter pill to swallow, and I still struggle with not feeling “good enough”, and I still struggle with feelings of envy towards women who have high drive husbands that seem to desire them the way they “should”. But I’m working on it. I try to remember to count my blessings. My husband does love me, he is very faithful, and he is interested in me sexually – it’s just that I usually have to initiate things. (In fact, I never knew my initiating was kind of “backwards” until I started reading blogs about marriage. So the first ten years I just did it without even knowing any different. 🙂
Would it be nice to feel desireable? Absolutely. Would it be thrilling to have my husband look at me “that way”? Sure. Would it be a dream come true to know what it’s like to have a husband that is attracted to me and knows how to show it? You bet. But right now I’m going to have to settle for the knowledge that he loves me, and likes to tell me so, and that he does like to be with me sexually, if I suggest it.
And so, if that is the way God created our relationship, with me as the spontaneous initiating one, then I guess I need to learn to accept my role and feel happy about it. Easier said then done, but I’m trying. And so, this list of 40 ways to initiate will certainly come in handy. If I have to continuously get the party started, this list gives me lots of ways to spice it up. So thank you.
This made me smile. Hope the ideas work well for you!
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Just ran across this a short time ago. Great piece, thank you for putting this together. I was wondering if you were able to compile a list for husbands?
Keep up the great work!
I don’t have a list format for the hubbies. I suppose I could work that up!
Thank you J!
If you could that would be great! I’m certain it would be a big help for husbands. And, I think the wives would be thankful also. Based on the list you have here for the wives, I’m very curious as to what you would come up with.
Thank you again for being such a blessing and encouragement to husbands and wives!
What wife doesn’t do these? There must be a lot of sad sexless marriages out there. Just the other night, my husband was on his laptop, as usual. I yelled to the kids, “good night, go away” They ran off to brush their teeth and go to bed. I crawled over to my husband, butted my head against his laptop for him to put it away, and started kissing him. Then I motioned him to the floor, where we sat pelvis to pelvis on the floor and just kissed. Hands caressing each other. It was then “his idea” to go to our bedroom.
Women, Ladies, you’ve got to act like your husbands lover. He wants you. He wants your flaws, he wants your body. He wants you, but you’ve got to give it to him. Some of these comments really made me sad. Like, come on, Ladies, go get you some!
To have a wife that just wants to make love to you would be great. I’m currently one of the people living in a sexless marriage. Its the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
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