Can Men Really Understand Women's Sexuality?

We’re different—men and women.

That’s a controversial statement in some circles these days, but the more I’ve studied men and women, the more convinced I am that male-female goes much deeper than our external body parts, all the way into how our whole bodies are designed, as well as our brains.

God told us that from the beginning: ” So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them” (Genesis 1:27).

It’s because we’re different that we’re attracted to one another, that we complement one another as life companions, and that we confuse one another for the next 50 or so years.

Perhaps never more than in the area of sexuality.

Deciphering the Differences

Marriage authors, bloggers, speakers, ministers, etc. have spent countless hours trying to explain men to women and women to men. Some go overboard with stereotypes and generalizations, and we must recognize that we are first humans made in God’s image, then specific individuals, and then man or woman. Plenty of overlapping and exceptions exist!

But God did make us male and female, and it can be helpful to hear how men and women generally think and behave—and then ask your own spouse if it’s true for them.

I’ve made plenty of attempts to explain male sexuality to wives. For example: A Wife’s Guide to Sexual Man Speak; Q&A with J: Is Sex Disconnected from Love for Men?; 4 Things Your Husband Wants from You in Bed.

Resources for Husbands

I’ve also provided posts for husbands like How to Help Your Wife Get Naked and Why Being a Good Father Turns Your Wife On. But this blog, and my resources, are still primarily for wives.

So I get asked: Where are books, websites, or other resources about sex directed specifically at men? Not about porn recovery or wooing your wife romantically or communicating better in marriage, but how to engage and please her sexually?

Well, there aren’t enough such resources. If you’ve been around the sex-in-marriage ministry world for a while, you’ve noticed a synergy with various ministries from women. That same synergy has not come into full focus with a group of husbands having the time, desire, and calling to speak into that need.

However, even if those resources existed, could those men speak definitively about women’s sexuality?

Although I explain men as much as I can on this blog, I often check in with husbands to make sure I’m representing them well, and sometimes I’m still stumped by you guys, because you’re just, well, different. (And by different, I mean weird. But let’s not hang out on that point.)

A New Ministry

Summarizing thus far: Men and women are different. We need resources to help explain male sexuality and female sexuality, with the caveat that we are individuals and generalizations should be checked with our own spouse. Husbands specifically could use more resources that explain women’s sexuality, and such insight may be best provided by women.

And that’s the purpose of KHS Ministry, a new resource coming your way from me and Chris Taylor of The Forgiven Wife.

KHS stands for Knowing Her Sexually, a name that conveys not only a husband’s need for knowledge about female sexuality, but his desire to have intimate knowledge of his wife. In fact, when the first man first makes love to the first woman, the Hebrew word used to express that means to know: “Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, saying, ‘I have gotten a man with the help of the Lord'” (Genesis 4:1, RSV).

KHS Ministry will deliver content in three ways:

Blog

Blog

Every other week, we’ll share posts to help husbands nurture sexual intimacy in their marriage.

Community

Community

Opening in January, this is where the bulk of the ministry will be, with insights from us and other husbands.

Podcast

Podcast

Starting next spring, we’ll have short episodes every other week with tips for husbands.

Why Us?

Chris’s website is aimed wholly at wives. Yet she has heard from so many husbands who say that her explanations of how women think and act sexually have helped them understand their own wives. Chris has a unique and profound way of describing the thoughts and emotions of women.

As for me, I hear from husbands who say that I “get” them—that is, I speak Conversational Male. No, I’m not fluent! But when I speak to men, I understand enough of their language to convey their wives’ view of sex in a way that makes sense to many men.

In addition, Chris and I have both been the lower drive spouse and the higher drive spouse in our marriages, so we know what those feel like. We each have two sons, so we’ve lived with a fair amount of testosterone in our households. And we both think men are pretty awesome, so we’re on your side when it comes to sexual intimacy.

Most importantly, as Chris and I talked through this idea and developed the ministry’s specifics, we felt in tune in a way I can only explain as having God’s hand on us. We have felt His Spirit present in this endeavor.

How to Get Connected

If you’re a husband reading this, keep reading for how to get connected. If you’re a wife reading this, share this post with your husband.

To stay on top of what’s coming, follow our Facebook page and subscribe to our newsletter and blog! (Yes, wives can follow on Facebook to see what’s up with our ministry.)

We’re also on Twitter, if you get info there. And check out our website!

26 thoughts on “Can Men Really Understand Women's Sexuality?

  1. Andrew Budek-Schmeisser

    I realise I do not ken
    a woman’s point of view;
    but I also don’t get men,
    so “bewildered” ‘s nothing new.
    My world-view’s based on firearms
    and parachutes and spinning steel,
    seeking out the lethal harms
    to see if Heaven’s really real.
    There’s not a lot I’m good for
    in relationship, I don’t suppose,
    for I’m like neutered Labrador,
    waving tail and following nose.
    But I’m smarter than I may appear
    ’till you fill my drinking-bowl with beer.

    Reply
  2. Liefdeskruiden

    Its a constant struggle to understand a woman, every day is different and everyday she reacts differently yo the same things. But the beauty of it is that she’s never boring and i fill my life with getting to know her better, day by day.

    Reply
    1. libl

      I don’t know why secularists and even some Christians say men are designed for polygamy and thus should be able to be polygamous. We women are ever-changing!

      Reply
        1. Terry

          I’ve heard that there’s a saying in Spain, “He who has loved one woman has loved them all; he who has loved many has loved none.”

          Reply
  3. Anonymous

    To answer your question…it depends on the woman. Women can vary so much and their attitude and openness can play an important of understanding their sexuality.

    Reply
  4. Dan

    Once upon a time…I thought I had a clue. Then I began reading even more than I had been from newer sources backed by greater research. Now I wonder how we husbands keep our heads above the sexual response waters. In all fairness too, I don’t see women doing much better. I’m not saying it’s hopeless, only that there has not been enough informed dialog and what there is has not been accessed or distributed to those that most need to see it. All the stuff in the library and on the internet is only useful if accessed and the accuracy of the sources is not often certain.

    Reply
  5. Mark

    Understanding a woman’s sexuality would be generalizing, because I sense needs, wants and boundaries may not always be the same with some women.

    For me I do like reading this and other threads to get perspectives that I may not otherwise fully appreciate when it comes to understanding my spouses sexuality which I’ve discovered has changed as we matured.

    One thing I do see, is my wife’s needs have been incorporated into my own needs. focusing and understanding her needs. stimulates my mind.

    Reply
  6. Joe

    That is good news! Looking forward for the content!
    I and my wife are listening the Christian Wives podcast and it is helping us a lot. Thank you for that!
    Actually, we would like to donate to help with the expenses of the project. Are there ways to do it?
    Regards!

    Reply
  7. Holyterror

    “There are two theories to understanding a woman.
    Neither works.”
    Seriously, I look forward to the content, as always!

    Reply
  8. Paul Henry Byerly

    “Can Men Really Understand Women’s Sexuality?”

    I guess that depends on how one defines understand. I know my wife understands male sexuality rather well. Likewise, for several female bloggers I know, you included. But it’s a learned understanding, it’s not based on experiencing it. I’d say the reverse is similar, but trickier because women tend to be even less sexually alike than men.

    Can a man become an expert on female sexuality? Maybe. Can he become an expert on his wife’s sexuality? Almost certainly.

    You and Chris are very qualified to do this, and I thank you for it!

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Thanks so much, Paul! And I agree that you can know your own spouse, though it takes being a good student of your beloved. Worth the study!

      Reply
  9. Anon

    I barely understand my daughter’s math homework. Not sure my wife’s sexuality is something I’m ready to tackle the understanding of quite yet.

    Reply
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