Tag Archives: healthy sexuality

Do Your Friends Support Your Sex Life?

I have an uncanny ability to find myself in conversations about sexuality with girlfriends. I’m not always the one to introduce the topic, but I am comfortable discussing it. God blessed marriages with physical intimacy, and I want to encourage couples to fully enjoy this gift and make it an integral part of their relationship.

However, many Christian women speak out against sex rather than for it. Sometimes it’s a comment made with presumed jest: “I told my husband he couldn’t touch my girly stuff until after he touched up the paint job.” Or a complaint: “I can’t walk through the room in a nightgown without him attacking me.” A statement of indifference: “I don’t care for sex, but we have it a couple of times a month.” Or even a negative declaration: “I hate sex, and I would be happy if we never had it again.”

To be honest, most of my friends think I’m as rare as an albino alligator — a Christian wife who loves sex. Good gracious! I should be put on display and tour the country. In fact, I recall a specific conversation with close girlfriends that turned to the topic of marital intimacy. I put in my two cents and was dismissed by another lady who joked, “We can’t ask you; you like sex.”

Standing up for rockin’ sex in marriage can be a lonely endeavor. At times, it has felt futile. No matter what I say, some gals seem determined to treat sex like an obligation or a bartering tool in marriage.

Speaking of “futile,” sometimes I wish I could set myself up as the Borg Queen of Marital Intimacy. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. We could just suck in the naysayers one by one and make them realize how terrific physical intimacy can be in a marriage when it’s working as God intended. But alas, I don’t think I could pull off the hairdo.

Queen of the Borg from Star Trek

Queen of the Borg
Star Trek

Thank goodness that I do have beautiful women of God in my life who, like me, are on God’s plan for sexuality in their marriage. For instance, my best friend lets me bounce blog post ideas off her and has offered some terrific wisdom. She and her husband have their own story of challenges, but she has pursued healthy sexuality in her marriage as part of God’s blessing from Day One and reaped the benefits. There are fellow female bloggers who speak well of sex in marriage (Kate Aldrich, Lori Byerly, Sheila Gregoire, and Gina Parris among them). In particular, I thank God for my growing friendship with Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage, a woman whom I respect and who can put me in stitches with her brand of humor.

I think every Christian woman needs others in her life willing to speak out in favor of marital intimacy. Too often, we can find ourselves in conversations with people who intentionally or unwittingly diminish the importance of great sex with our husbands. It is not biblical to refuse your spouse. It is not biblical to make your husband drag you to the bedroom (symbolically, of course). It is not biblical to participate in intercourse like it’s your child’s first band concert (You’re only there for them, and you hope it’s over quickly). It is not biblical to discourage your friends from having what God designed for them — a healthy sex life with their mate.

Instead, I want to hang out with some gals who find sex in marriage to be hot, holy, and humorous — like I do. It is indeed all of those things. I am blessed to have girlfriends who encourage me to make it hotter, holier, and humorouser. Oh wait, not that last one. I do that on my own.

Do you have friends like that? Do your friends encourage you to have the right attitude? Do they give you tips when you need them? Have they suggested you seek help or get answers when there are problems? Do your friends support your sex life? And are you that kind of friend?

By the way, Sheila Gregoire of To Love, Honor and Vacuum did a recent post about the oddity of finding herself being a “sexpert” after she wrote and talked about intimacy. Great read: How Do I Get Myself into These Things.

ESPN Comes to the Bedroom

ESPN LogoSo given my quirky sense of humor, I had this odd moment when I started wondering: What if there were sports announcers in your bedroom during your times of marital intimacy? What would they say about your “game”? How would it sound if ESPN sent a statistics guy and a color commentator to cover how it’s going for you and your spouse? Are you having a winning season? Or could you use a little extra coaching?

And then, I started writing! Having a blog gives me space to write out any strange notion I have and see if it can help someone else out there.

Bill Color: Well, Larry, it looks like we’ve got a great game ahead of us today.

Larry Stats: That’s right, Bill. This couple has played 317 times before, and they’ve got their game down pat.

Bill Color: It looks like the same scene we’re used to by now. He’s pretty confident out on the field now. He’s several seasons in.

Larry: He does seem to be swaggering onto the field. Admittedly, he has scored 315 of the 317 times he’s played. Let’s see how it goes this time.

Bill: He’s beginning to interact with his teammate. His start is somewhat predictable. 

Larry: Yes, we’ve seen this move a number of times. It seems like his go-to play. Not a lot of a flare, but I suppose it gets the job done.

Bill: Yeah, but I gotta wonder if he doesn’t have more in him. You know, if he could vary the play a little more and deliver a bigger impact. I’m looking for a little risk-taking here.

Larry: I know what you mean, but I don’t think taking risks is what this player needs. He needs to read his teammate better – figure out what the best move is in the moment. Pay more attention to where she might be the most receptive.

Bill: Well, she doesn’t look that receptive right now. She seems focused elsewhere. I’m not even sure she wants to be in this game right now.

Larry: You’ve got that right, Bill. She’s an inconsistent player. In fact, 223 of the 317 times these two have come up against each other, she hasn’t really been in the game. It’s like she’s expecting him to score on his own.

Bill: This is a team, for heaven’s sake. Where’s the teamwork?

Larry: What this team needs is to listen to their Coach more. Study the playbook. Get a better game plan.

Bill: Sure, technique and a game plan would certainly help, but if players are only in it for themselves . . . They aren’t cooperating like they should.

Larry: Oh no, we have a flag on the field.

Bill: What do think the call is? What happened out there?

Larry: Could be holding. Or blocking.

Bill: It’s called a false start. Apparently, she wasn’t ready at the line, but he thought it was time. He’s antsy. Hard to stay patient, you know. He’s aching to cross that goal line.

Larry: True, Bill. True. This guy is usually focused on the goal line, but this is a down-by-down game. Every play counts.

Bill: Wait. She’s leaving the field, Larry. What’s going on? Doesn’t she know we’re in the middle of a game here?

Larry: She’s called a time out. I guess we’re waiting for the next couple of minutes while she regains her composure.

Bill: That guy looks fidgety. He can hardly wait for her to get back in the huddle.

Larry: Well, at 211 pounds, he is a force to be reckoned with. But he’s also fast on his feet. If she’ll work with him, I’m pretty sure he’ll run this next play all the way to the in-zone.

Bill: She’s coming back in.

Larry: First and ten, Bill. It looks like he’s revving up.

Bill: Wait, Larry. I think I just saw a flash of excitement across her face. She may be in this game after all.

Larry: Her record is mixed, Bill, but she’s worth betting on. He might just help her score as well this time.

Bill: Looking better. Although I don’t particularly understand that last play.

Larry: Well, that’s a team favorite. It doesn’t work for everyone, of course . . .

Bill: They are going for it! Check it out there. It isn’t the prettiest game I’ve ever seen, but I think they are going to score!

It makes me wonder, how important is the finesse, Larry? How important is the heart? What exactly sets this team on fire?

Larry: Well, Bill, while you were talking, they made a goal.

Bill: What? Already?

Larry: Yes, Bill. I think we can put this one in the win column for him, and the show column for her. This level of play isn’t going to get them a bowl invitation. It’s enough to keep them in the running, but not enough to cinch the deal.

Bill: Well, there’s always the next game. We’ll be rooting for them then.

So what do you think ESPN commentators would say about your sex life? What kind of season are you having? How can you improve your “game”?

It makes me wonder, how important is the finesse, Larry? How important is the heart? What exactly sets this team on fire?

Sex for Dogs and Duos

I told myself I would not write about this, but I cannot resist.

A French company has come out with a sex toy for dogs. It’s called the Hot Doll, is described as the “1st sex toy and companion for your dog,” and its slogan is “for trendy dogs only.” Lest you think I am making it up:

The product comes in black and a white, in case your pup has a preference. (By the way, poor Tchaikovsky must be turning over in his grave from the use of his Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy in this ad.)

I shall begin with the caveat that I have never owned a dog. However, if I did have a dog, I cannot imagine a scenario in which I would purchase my mutt a sex toy. When I heard about the Hot Doll, I wasn’t sure whether to laugh, shake my head, or scream, “What is wrong with you people!”

A sex toy for dogs represents exactly how far the world has moved away from normality to sensationalism. Is there a limit to our fascination with sexuality? Is there a point at which we have gone too far to provide stimulation for sexually-charged individuals? Could it be when those individuals are dogs?

What renders this a worthy topic is that it is sad to provide a substitute for what God designed, even to a dog. If your pet desires to copulate, it is because God has given him a natural inclination to engage with another dog and reproduce a litter of puppies. (You know, those cute, furry puppies that you will be begging other people to give homes to while your children attempt to name and adopt them all before you can get them out the door.)

Our society has done a lot to make sex a solitary activity. We are encouraged to partake in pornography, erotica, masturbation, sex toys, and other forms of personal pleasure without the presence of a partner. People who scratch their heads at the craziness of a dog sex toy often don’t see any problem with visiting a strip club or watching an adult movie in a hotel room on a business trip.

Think about it: Humans have been treating themselves like these dogs for a long time — seeking sexual pleasure outside of a relationship. After all, you and your dog can climax without a mate.

But that isn’t how God designed sexuality! Sex is an undertaking for TWO. Now while Fido may be happy to engage with any willing pooch, humans should seek physical intimacy in the committed bonds of marriage. God designed sexuality to be a satisfying experience between a husband and wife which may produce children and will foster deeper connection. If you do incorporate tools or toys into your lovemaking, it should be for your mutual pleasure.

Next time you consider taking care of your sexual needs entirely by yourself, put this image in your head:

Ask yourself if sex is really supposed to be a solitary undertaking. If God wanted Spot, Rex, and Benji to mate in duos, why would He want anything less for you? In fact, He desires more. Which is why God gave us marriage with love and a lifetime commitment.

Put away whatever you’re using as a Hot Doll and sidle up to your real-life Hot Honey. Make your sexuality part of an intimate relationship. It may take more work initially, but the rewards in closeness are worth the effort.

And for heaven’s sake, do not buy that product for your canine. Let your man’s best friend defile the bow-headed mini-poodle down the street (I’m sure the neighbors won’t mind a few puppies) or get him fixed. I’m just sayin’.