ESPN Comes to the Bedroom

So given my quirky sense of humor, I had this odd moment when I started wondering: What if there were sports announcers in your bedroom during your times of marital intimacy? What would they say about your “game”? How would it sound if ESPN sent a statistics guy and a color commentator to cover how it’s going for you and your spouse? Are you having a winning season? Or could you use a little extra coaching?

And then, I started writing! Having a blog gives me space to write out any strange notion I have and see if it can help someone else out there.

Bill Color: Well, Larry, it looks like we’ve got a great game ahead of us today.

Larry Stats: That’s right, Bill. This couple has played 317 times before, and they’ve got their game down pat.

Bill Color: It looks like the same scene we’re used to by now. He’s pretty confident out on the field now. He’s several seasons in.

Larry: He does seem to be swaggering onto the field. Admittedly, he has scored 315 of the 317 times he’s played. Let’s see how it goes this time.

Bill: He’s beginning to interact with his teammate. His start is somewhat predictable. 

Larry: Yes, we’ve seen this move a number of times. It seems like his go-to play. Not a lot of a flare, but I suppose it gets the job done.

Bill: Yeah, but I gotta wonder if he doesn’t have more in him. You know, if he could vary the play a little more and deliver a bigger impact. I’m looking for a little risk-taking here.

Larry: I know what you mean, but I don’t think taking risks is what this player needs. He needs to read his teammate better – figure out what the best move is in the moment. Pay more attention to where she might be the most receptive.

Bill: Well, she doesn’t look that receptive right now. She seems focused elsewhere. I’m not even sure she wants to be in this game right now.

Larry: You’ve got that right, Bill. She’s an inconsistent player. In fact, 223 of the 317 times these two have come up against each other, she hasn’t really been in the game. It’s like she’s expecting him to score on his own.

Bill: This is a team, for heaven’s sake. Where’s the teamwork?

Larry: What this team needs is to listen to their Coach more. Study the playbook. Get a better game plan.

Bill: Sure, technique and a game plan would certainly help, but if players are only in it for themselves . . . They aren’t cooperating like they should.

Larry: Oh no, we have a flag on the field.

Bill: What do think the call is? What happened out there?

Larry: Could be holding. Or blocking.

Bill: It’s called a false start. Apparently, she wasn’t ready at the line, but he thought it was time. He’s antsy. Hard to stay patient, you know. He’s aching to cross that goal line.

Larry: True, Bill. True. This guy is usually focused on the goal line, but this is a down-by-down game. Every play counts.

Bill: Wait. She’s leaving the field, Larry. What’s going on? Doesn’t she know we’re in the middle of a game here?

Larry: She’s called a time out. I guess we’re waiting for the next couple of minutes while she regains her composure.

Bill: That guy looks fidgety. He can hardly wait for her to get back in the huddle.

Larry: Well, at 211 pounds, he is a force to be reckoned with. But he’s also fast on his feet. If she’ll work with him, I’m pretty sure he’ll run this next play all the way to the in-zone.

Bill: She’s coming back in.

Larry: First and ten, Bill. It looks like he’s revving up.

Bill: Wait, Larry. I think I just saw a flash of excitement across her face. She may be in this game after all.

Larry: Her record is mixed, Bill, but she’s worth betting on. He might just help her score as well this time.

Bill: Looking better. Although I don’t particularly understand that last play.

Larry: Well, that’s a team favorite. It doesn’t work for everyone, of course . . .

Bill: They are going for it! Check it out there. It isn’t the prettiest game I’ve ever seen, but I think they are going to score!

It makes me wonder, how important is the finesse, Larry? How important is the heart? What exactly sets this team on fire?

Larry: Well, Bill, while you were talking, they made a goal.

Bill: What? Already?

Larry: Yes, Bill. I think we can put this one in the win column for him, and the show column for her. This level of play isn’t going to get them a bowl invitation. It’s enough to keep them in the running, but not enough to cinch the deal.

Bill: Well, there’s always the next game. We’ll be rooting for them then.

So what do you think ESPN commentators would say about your sex life? What kind of season are you having? How can you improve your “game”?

It makes me wonder, how important is the finesse, Larry? How important is the heart? What exactly sets this team on fire?