Tag Archives: high drive wife

Q&A with J: “How Do I Get My Turn?”

Today’s question is from a young wife frustrated that not only is she not having orgasms, her husband doesn’t seem to understand her sexual needs and desires:

I’ve been married 2 and a half years now and have struggled to experience orgasm with my husband since our wedding night. . . . I realized after our honeymoon that the female orgasm was harder to come by than I thought it’d be, but I tried so hard to stay positive and to wait for it to happen. But to date, I’ve never climaxed with him. I don’t think I’ve ever even come close.

I bought us a vibrator about 6 months ago to make it easier and quicker for him to stimulate me and he’s only used it a handful of times, all at my request. I may have had small orgasms during using the vibrator, but I’m not totally sure. And I made it a point to tell him a couple of times that I really enjoy using the vibrator because it wakes things up down there and allows me to get the full sensation of everything he does after that. That’s why I feel like we should use it more than we do.

I’ve talked with him about my difficulty responding physically 4 or 5 times – I’ve tried to be very sensitive – “It’s not you, I just need a lot of extra stimulation.” “I really enjoy being intimate with you, but I really need help learning to be physically responsive.” Things change for a couple of encounters and then go back to the way things were.

How do I get him to be interested in going the extra mile for me? He’s a great guy, but I’m just so unsatisfied in the bedroom and I really long to be able to share what he’s having (it really looks like it feels great) and I want to be able to make him feel like a stellar lover. Why do men feel like their orgasm is the closer for sex?? I feel like he doesn’t even think that I have sexual needs. I go to bed all worked up sexually while he’s snoring next to me most nights we make love. I hate to sound selfish, but how do I get my turn?

Q&A with J: "How Do I Get My Turn?"

Let’s start with making sure things are working the way they should with your body. Since this wife did have an orgasm on the wedding night, we know it can happen, but some physical issues could still be obstacles. Just so you know what’s “normal,” your sexual response should include heightened sensitivity of your genitals, lubrication (although you may need to add some), and swelling of your inner vaginal lips to 2-3 times their usual size.

But if you’re low on estrogen, you may not lubricate properly. If you’re on oral contraception, it could interfere with your sexual response. And there are other potential issues that could be hindering your body’s full participation. Talk openly with your doctor about your concerns and ask for a full physical exam and, if needed, options for birth control.

Assuming everything’s on the up-and-up with your body’s responses, you two still have to learn how your body works. Unfortunately, watching Hollywood scenes, reading magazine articles, and even hearing all the sex hype from happy married couples can make it seem like revving up the sexy is a fairly straightforward endeavor with guaranteed pleasure. Not so.

You may have experienced orgasm early on in your marriage because everything was awakened then and your body overloaded, so to speak. (Though some couples report more of a pfffft experience their first time.) But one orgasm does not a sex life make. And you want to want have that excitement again and again.

That means you have to figure this thing out . . . together. Perhaps your husband didn’t expect to have to work so hard at getting his wife to climax. He may feel that if you’re not responding quickly, like the gals do on the movie screen or in porn (just about every guy by the time he’s married has either watched it willingly or been shown porn by others), it’s not worth the effort. He may conclude he’s a poor lover, and who wants to do something over and over that you’re bad at doing? Or that the problem lies with you, and what can he do about that?

The point is you two need to go back to ground zero and figure this thing out together. And sensitivity is great, and I’m all for that! But I think most men respond even better to fun. That is, sometimes we are so concerned with our hubby’s feelings and so we talk it out and try to make him feel better and…la la la. When maybe your guy is more of an action speaks louder than words sort. Go with me for a minute here and think about team sports: Guys get in a locker room together, get a short, rousing pep talk, then take the field — which tells you something about what gets a guy motivated.

Think about what you can do to pep up your guy and make him excited about exploring your territory. That could be everything from leading up to sex with suggestive texts, flirting, fondling, etc. to drawing a treasure map on your body that he has to follow to get to the booty (literally and figuratively). Consider what your particular husband would respond to, and see how you can paint this exploration time as something exciting and fulfilling for both of you.

A couple more notes (specifically for the hubbies reading this post): First, he needs to ease slowly into lovemaking. Even after 20+ years, sometimes I still have to remind my husband that hugging, kissing, and touching me are surefire ways to shift my brain and body into gear. You can help him get the point by simple things like asking for him to massage your body with lotion or oil or suggest a slow dance (naked?) before you make love. And secondly, for orgasm to happen, he’s got to learn what a clitoris is and what to do with it. All orgasms are caused by either direct or indirect contact with her clitoris. Hubbies would do well to treat their wife’s ever-so-sensitive part like their favorite instrument and master playing it well. Guys, stop playing Guitar Hero and Rock Band and instead learn to strum your wife’s goodies to her heart’s delight.

One of the ways many married couples stimulate the clitoris is with sex toys. You mention using a vibrator a handful of times, but your husband is resistant to the idea. I think you should ask whether the sex toys are helping.

On the whole, I have a mixed view of sex toys. On one hand, I believe they can help couples that need an extra boost or deal with sexual arousal and erection issues, so they can engage more fully in sexual intimacy in their marriage. On the other hand, I think our culture is becoming more reliant on batteries and kink than relationship and intimacy. Some people using sex toys are looking for shortcuts — and they found them. I’m pretty confident a vibrator can get most women to climax faster than their husband’s hand. To me, the question when deciding whether to use a sex toy must be whether it increases intimacy or detracts from it.

When one of you is not on board, it could be detracting from intimacy. I know that’s not entirely fair, because if he’s going to balk about using a vibrator, he should step up and figure out how to help you climax himself. But have an honest discussion with him about it, asking what he’d be willing to try and what makes him uncomfortable. Respect his feelings on this, and then ask for solutions you could both accept. Maybe he could commit to trying longer to get you aroused, or maybe you could peruse some online Christian intimacy retailers together and find something you’re both willing to try.

And finally, you are not selfish for wanting to experience the height of ecstasy with your husband in your marriage bed. And he needs to understand that too. Hubby may have grown up with the oh-so-mistaken notion that sex is primarily to meet the man’s needs. To which I say, Hogwash! And a very large number of wives agree with me.

God gave you more nerve endings in your genitals than he gets in his. Your clitoris has a singular purpose — to give you pleasure. Your body is capable of multiple orgasms, while he’s got the one full-blast option (until he passes a refractory period). So nobody tell me God isn’t interested in her having a fabulous time in the marriage bed!

If you’re like many wives, you may have tentatively suggested this or that, asked for something more, and hinted at your dissatisfaction. I suggest you look your husband in the eye and say something like, “I love you so much, and I want to have a fantastic orgasm in your arms. I will do everything I can on my part to make it happen, but I need you to get on board. What can we do to make this a mutual goal for our marriage?”

Some other posts that might help your situation are Preparing Yourself for Sex, Manual Play for Her, and Orgasm: If Only I Could O. Also, my book Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Wives has a lot more tips on revving up your drive and savvy in the marital bedroom. That could be a good resource for your marriage.

know I didn’t cover everything I could say, and I’m sure my readers will have more to add. But maybe something in here will help you get moving in the right direction. In the meantime, I’m saying a prayer for your and your marriage. Because yeah, you deserve a turn.

Q&A with J: “I Feel Rejected All the Time”

Today’s question comes from a wife whose heart is broken by her husband’s rejection. As I often do, I pulled out the relevant parts of her question and left out some details. However, I’m sure other wives, specifically higher-drive wives, can relate to the emotional pain described by this reader:

What to do if my beloved husband just isn’t willing to change anything sex-wise?

We got married one and a half a year ago. At first, we used to make love like twice a week. This was okay with me, though I felt I wouldn’t mind a bit more. . . .

Now it’s been almost a year that we have stuck to this exactly once a week routine. And this is just not enough for me. I’m always longing to connect with him in a deep physical and emotional way, and it hurts so much that he doesn’t. . . . Whenever I ask him why he doesn’t want to make love more often, he just goes ‘ok, sweetheart, I’m sorry I hurt you. We’ll change it.’ and then he changes…the topic, and starts to speak about something else. And we stick to once a week. And whenever I tell him I feel totally undesired, he just says ‘come on, I do desire you.’ but what if I can’t feel it at all? (by the way, when we do have sex, he is  passionate and loving, and it feels heavenly for both of us.) 

When he wants it, he does it, but when he doesn’t, I can’t do anything to make him want me. Strangely enough, we do express our love in a physically affectionate way. We kiss, cuddle, hold hands, caress each other several times a day. We can’t even fall asleep without him spooning me and holding me tight. So now I feel rejected all the time. . . I just cry and pray almost all night.

Q&A with J: "I Feel Rejected All the Time"

You know your hubby loves you, and you figure if only he understood how much you desire greater intimacy, surely he would put forth more effort in the marital bedroom. Yet no matter what you try, you end up night after night wondering why he doesn’t long for you the way you long for him.

You’ve talked and talked, and he still doesn’t get it — how important this aspect of your relationship is. For many lower-drive spouses, that’s the issue. They love their mate, they want things to be better, but they truly don’t understand what the big fuss is about. It’s like living with someone who has a completely different body temperature (which many of you do). One of you is always hot or always cold, and the other wonders why their spouse is freaking out all the time when the temperature is just fine.

How can you get your message across? I have some posts about communicating more effectively with your spouse, and that could be where you begin — with more directed, positive conversation about what you want in your mutual sex life. (See How to Talk about Sexual Problems with Your Spouse and Are You Sure You’re Communicating?)

However, the right choice could be to stop talking about it. Because it’s not important? No, of course not. It’s very important. However, when we hear the same thing over and over again and we don’t want to revisit the topic, we tune out. It’s a defensive measure many low-drive spouses seem to have perfected: You start talking sex, and they symbolically cover their ears and hum over your words. It’s become too painful a subject, so they build a wall and cower behind mild apologies or real excuses or mere silence.

If you can introduce the subject, focus instead on listening to him. Because for some reason, your mate is struggling. And whatever they’re going through sexually probably isn’t a personal rejection of you. Spouses uninterested in sex are typically responding to physiological issues, erroneous belief systems, negative past history, ongoing fatigue, etc. Of course, he’s (or she’s) married to you, but in a sense they would be uncooperative regardless of who they married. Because the issue resides with them, not you.

Move past their walls by making your relationship a safe environment for them to explore what’s going on, to ask for help, to pursue something better. Be his advocate and teammate in figuring out what issues are preventing him from enjoying God’s blessing of sexual intimacy in your marriage. That could include going to doctor appointments or counseling with him. Whatever’s going on with your spouse, it’s a we problem, because the two have become one (Genesis 2:24).

For yourself, consider these practical tips:

Accentuate the positive. Singer/songwriter Johnny Mercer said it way back in 1945: “You’ve got to accentuate the positive. Eliminate the negative. Latch on to the affirmative . . .” But even further back, there’s Ephesians 4:31-32: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Even if you have reason to be disappointed, frustrated, and hurt by your spouse’s actions, dwelling on them will make everything that much worse. When you’re tempted to unleash your mind and/or mouth about your hubby mistreating you, try instead to think of things about him for which you are thankful. Accentuate what’s positive about your husband and your relationship. That daily practice can help you view him in a kinder way — and your joyful attitude is likely to be more of a magnet to your husband in the long run.

Be willing to initiate, and accept that sometimes the answer will be no. Should he say no? I’m not a fan of no for your marital sex life, although I think not now can be a completely reasonable answer. However, when you’re dealing with a lower-drive spouse, you might need to accept that you will have to do most of the initiating, that you will make requests not demands, and that you will accept that sometimes the answer will be no. But hey, sometimes the answer will be yes. Your marriage needs intimacy — various kinds of intimacy, including sex. Give yourself permission to pursue that goal, knowing it won’t yet be everything you want, but it will be something.

Express your heart to God. I’ll be honest: I prayed a lot to God when things were going poorly in our marriage, and little changed. But most of those prayers were a litany of complaints about my husband, excuses about my own bad attitudes and behaviors, and a plea for God to fix everything . . . yesterday. I encourage you to pray about this situation, not with the notion that God will play genie and perform a miracle in your marriage. I’m not saying He can’t, but I think what changes most when we pray is ourselves. Express your fears and your hurt and your longings to God, then ask for His comfort, His wisdom, His strength, and His love for your husband. Your Heavenly Daddy wants to hear your heart and be there for His beloved daughter.

I wish I could play genie myself and fix your situation. But I can’t. No one can truly change someone else; it’s that person’s free-will prerogative. Yet I believe that when we do the right thing, when we pursue the best for our marriages, blessings will come. “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).

Q&A for J: How Can I Help My Husband Be More Adventurous In Bed?

Today’s question is from a higher drive wife:

I am the higher drive spouse in my marriage, though not by a big gap. I love finding helpful sexual advice from HHH or similar sources, but often have to invert the advice for husbands and wives, since I am higher drive. After some thought and occasional conversations with my wonderful man, I think one of the reasons I’m struggling is that he’s so content with “same as usual” sex. If I do not take the initiative to put on lingerie, set the mood, flirt, etc, then he is fine with getting into bed with the lights off and initiating sex with me quietly, pretty much out of nowhere, and what I would call “bread and butter sex.” I would prefer more. He is always happy when I make the effort to make it more of an encounter, which I do several times a week, but I’m longing to feel pursued in the bedroom, not just responded to…

He’s often willing to try something, but I have to take the lead. Can you suggest some ways I can help my husband be more adventurous in bed and help him initiate more?

Q&A with J: How Can I Help My Husband Be More Adventurous in Bed?

Do you feel like you have a “lazy lover” in bed? You’re having sex, but each time is pretty much like the last and, to be honest, the last one only scored about a C+.

You’re getting fed, sure, but you’re missing out on the feast of sexual intimacy in your marriage! Yet you wonder when you’ll experience that biblical phrase: “Drink, be intoxicated with love!” (Song of Songs 5:1, HCSB). How do you get your guy to raise his goblet and drink his fill? Or pour out a goblet of goodies for you that fully satisfies?

Talk about your desires. Have you talked outside the bedroom about what you’d like to see happening inside the bedroom? Like any other goal in our marriage, it often takes intentionality and conversation to decide together what we want to attain.

Explain what you’d like your sexual intimacy to look like. That can include the build-up toward sexual encounters, how often you each initiate, what practices you’d like to try, what feelings you want to evoke, and the overall mood of sensuality in your marriage. Avoid complaining about the past or the current situation, focusing instead of nurturing sexual intimacy and adventure in your marriage bed.

Just as important, listen to his desires. Ask how he views your sexual intimacy and what he’d like to see happen. If he tries to brush it off saying he’s happy with the status quo, you could tell him you appreciate that, but you’d like to know what would make him even more eager to make love and feel “intoxicated” with your sex life. Be willing to attend to what would make him feel loved. There might be an area of neglect you didn’t know about, that you can then remedy, which could embolden him to engage more.

Turn to helpful resources. If you’re tired of initiating, maybe you can turn up the heat by introducing some love-stoking resources into your bedroom. Get a sexy board game or offer to play Strip Poker or Battleship. Go through sex-focused books for married couples, like Sheila Gregoire’s 31 Days to Great Sex or Kevin Leman’s Sheet MusicAlthough written primary for Christian wives, you could also go through Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Your Marriage together to spark conversation and sexual intimacy in your marriage.

Purchase some lovemaking coupons or make custom ones. See if he’s willing to try out a new coupon with a fresh idea each week. Make a list of locations or positions you’d like to attempt (I say attempt, because some don’t work out like you’d think…), then refer to the list when you’re ready to make love. (For more specific positions with no explicit pictures, you can check out Christian Friendly Sex Positions.)

Make a point of assessing how things are going, by letting each of you rate the new “adventure.” By the way, I’ve learned with my cooking that the best way to rate recipes is for my family not to say things like, “That was too dry” or “It was too salty” or “Blech,” but rather give a thumbs up or down on whether it’s worth repeating and provide suggestions for making it better next time. I suggest trying that with your bedroom activities. Keep things positive: Ask if it’s a repeat and talk about what you might want to tweak next time around. You might discover some adventurous activities among these ideas that he enjoys and eagerly anticipates repeating.

Pursue deeper answers if needed. If after trying to stir up the sexual fires, his flame is still burning low, you may need to dig deeper and find out why he’s not willing to do more in bed. There are a number of possibilities — ranging from low testosterone levels, to poor teachings about sex that make him feel guilty for being adventurous even with his wife, to past or current porn use that makes arousal more difficult face-to-face. If there’s an underlying reason why he isn’t more engaged in sex, you need to find why and then get on his side to help him through it.

Men typically have a tough time revealing the obstacles they’re facing and asking for help. But open a conversation and encourage him to reveal what’s going on. Let him know you are a safe place for him to dump his concerns, and that you’ll support him in figuring things out and becoming more involved and excited about your sexual intimacy.

I often counsel wives to introduce difficult topics through shoulder-to-shoulder conversation, rather than face-to-face. We women usually want to look each other in the eye, but men often reveal more when you take a side-by-side walk or drive somewhere together or just sit on the couch facing forward. Let him look somewhere else if it helps him talk through what you need to know.

If there are underlying issues preventing him from engaging, resolving those will likely open up your marriage bed to greater adventure. And if you’re the one who needs to be more adventurous in bed, here’s a post to get you started.

Now for my readers, how have you been able to increase your spouse’s sense of adventure in the marriage bed? What has worked well for you?

Does Your Husband’s Rejection Make You Doubt Yourself?

On Monday, I wrote Do You Make Your Husband Feel Guilty about Sex? My intent was to explain to wives (my main audience) how husbands say they feel in the face of their wife’s rejection or disinterest in sexual intimacy.

Of course, rejection goes both ways. There are a number of women that post didn’t apply to, because those higher-desire wives are the ones getting refused. And it hurts. I get it.

Some of these wives wrote about their experiences in the comments, how they were the ones made to feel guilty. I thought about that for a while — why I’d heard about guilt from husbands before, but not so much us ladies. And I think it’s because I more often hear from higher-desire wives about doubt.

Maybe because we ladies are often constant self-evaluators, maybe because society proclaims (incorrectly) that “normal” is a horny husband and a reluctant wife, maybe because stories of cheating husbands are so prevalent . . . maybe. But for whatever reason, I suspect that higher-desire wives whose sexual advances are consistently rejected, or perhaps merely tolerated, by their husbands tend to experience severe doubt. About what? Well, here are some pangs of doubt brought on by a husband’s rejection of his wife’s sexual desire.

Doubt about her appeal. This wife worries there must be something unattractive about her. After all, hasn’t she heard all her life that men are flooded with sexual desire the moment they see a beautiful woman? Naked flesh? Even a hint of sexy stuff? Yet, her husband doesn’t respond to her. So maybe the problem lies with her lack of appeal.

This is highly unlikely. Sure, a person can let him/herself go to the point they lose attractiveness. Yet, most spouses are surprisingly reasonable about their mate’s looks — still highly pleased and aroused by their beloved, even as their bodies change through the years. It’s far more likely that you, wife, possess distinct beauty and appeal.

Besides, doubting your appeal won’t help your sex life. If you personally want to improve your health or appearance, go ahead and do so. (Better health never hurts!) But hold your head high and your body erect. Be confident that God knit you together beautifully (Psalm 139:14). You are attractive, and your husband’s lack of interest probably isn’t related to a lack of appeal.

Doubt about the relationship. This wife feels her marriage must be failing in some way because her husband doesn’t want her in the bedroom. Perhaps there are some horrible kinks in their relationship she can’t see, something she’d fix if only she knew what it was. The marriage is sinking, and she can’t even say just when and how the hole formed in their relationship boat. A sense of doom creeps over her, and she wonders if they will ever be okay again.

Did anyone else read He’s Just Not That Into You? It was a relationship book that was all the rage a few years back, and one of its premises was that if a man isn’t trying desperately to get you into bed, he’s just not that into you. That’s a prevalent notion out there, that if a guy isn’t like a bucking bronco in the chute when it comes to sex, he doesn’t want to take you on any kind of relationship ride, period.

Hogwash. There are a number of couples who have good marriages but honestly haven’t worked out all of the issues in their marital bedroom. Perhaps a spouse’s resistance to sex stems from unhealthy teaching in their past, a history of sexual abuse, physical or hormonal challenges, mood disorders, or a heavy blanket of stress in their lives. Sometimes, a person’s lack of sexual interest isn’t about their spouse, it’s just about them.

Now, of course, whatever affects one spouse affects both of you. Once you say “I do,” his problems are your problems, and your problems are his, and it’s a beautiful thing to have someone on your team who’ll do everything they can to help you work through your issues and overcome. So sexual problems in marriage, regardless of how they came about, are a we thing to resolve. But their existence doesn’t necessarily indicate some relationship hammer about to drop.

Doubt about his faithfulness. This wife wonders if his lack of sexual desire in their marriage means he’s getting sated elsewhere. Is he carrying on a physical affair? Is having an online affair? Is he looking at porn?

Yes, there is some percentage of husbands for whom this is true. But there are also plenty of men out there whose desire simply isn’t that high. They aren’t getting fulfilled somewhere else, because they require much less filling to begin with. They might be content with sex now and then. And feel quite devoted to their wife.

Is this a problem for you both? Yeah, sure it is. When there’s a severe mismatch in sexual drives, or there’s just not much sex happening, both spouses need to address the issue and seek a mutually satisfying resolution. (Preferably a lot more sex. In almost all cases.) But just because he’s not looking your way as often as you want, doesn’t mean that his eyes have strayed to someone else.

Woman DoubtingBeing constantly rejected sexually by her husband can make a wife doubt herself and her marriage. It takes inner strength to fight against the negative messages that swirl around in your brain when he says no.

Yes, long periods of sexual rejection, refusal, and disconnect will negatively impact your marriage. Yet, have confidence in yourself and your ability to grow through your circumstances. It may take time, research, effort, conversation, prayer, and much more, but change can happen.

Every single day, marriages improve. Spouses break through obstacles, connect where they were divided, reignite the spark.

And where you feel doubt, you can always find confidence in the Lord.

“I cried out, ‘I am slipping!’
but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me.
When doubts filled my mind,
your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.
Psalm 94:18-19

31 Days to a Better Marriage: My Guest Post

31 Days Promotional PhotoI am happily participating in The Alabaster Jar’s 31 Days to a Better Marriage. My post appears today and specifically addresses medium or high-drive wives. I suspect that it would be a good read for many, however, to help us understand God’s blessing of sexual intimacy in marriage.

Here’s a snippet of the post, with a link to the rest of the story…

Can Sex-Driven Wives Be Godly Wives?

I’m tempted to answer my own question, “You bet,” and leave it at that.

Yet I know the struggle that many Christian wives feel. I’ve felt it too. That sense that if you really enjoy sex with your husband…

If you desire, delve, and delight in sex…

If you even invite, initiate, and indulge in sex…

If you—heaven forbid!—mention aloud to other Christian wives how much you enjoy sex, then…

Maybe you’re not quite up to snuff on the disciple-o-meter. After all, how could you be so obsessed with the physical side of life when God is clearly only interested in the spiritual?

Read more.