I’ve written and talked a lot about what a wife can do to make sexual intimacy better in her marriage, including ways to reframe what sex means for her, to get in the mood, and to initiate well. But today, I’m homing in on what she can do during sex to ensure things go smoothly and receive the pleasure and intimacy she desires.

While “sex” can be broadly defined, in this post, I’m addressing the experience of foreplay, arousal, and then—at some point—intercourse.

1. Seek the Foreplay You Want

Kissing. Undressing. Caressing. More kissing. Breast stimulation. Manual play. Oral sex. Whatever gets your motor humming, ask for it. (Caveat: whatever item you request should already be on your mutually decided menu.) Let your husband know what you want, why you like it, and when you’re ready to move on.

I simply hear from far too many wives who want more foreplay before intercourse and don’t feel comfortable asking for it. Or they have asked for it, and it feels like he doesn’t listen because you told him that one time and he changed for the next two lovemaking encounters, but now he’s gone back to his old ways, and why doesn’t he enjoy foreplay as much as you do, and… Except all of us tend to need multiple reminders before we change ingrained habits. So gently prompt your husband again about your need and desire for sufficient, and passionate, foreplay.

2. Share Your Body

Speaking of your arousal, it’s not helpful to suggest he get your engine revving but not give him full access under the hood, so to speak. Deep sexual intimacy requires vulnerability, and that means giving your husband access to see and touch your body. If you’re not ready for the bright-lights reveal, try low lighting with a lamp, maybe even a colored lightbulb, candles, or string lights.

But also get naked. Let him touch where you like to be touched. Open up your legs (no dime between the knees anymore, wives! ~grin~). Share your body with your beloved. (See Tips for Confidently Baring It All for Your Hubby.)

Need more inspiration? Go re-read Song of Songs 4:1-7 and 7:1-9.

3. Explore His Body

You’re not the only one with interesting parts. Your husband’s masculine body is worth exploring, from his strong jaw to his stiff penis, and all in between. Take time to stroke his body and ask him what feels good. Tend to those places you like most and those places he loves you touching.

You may already be comfortable touching places outside his genitalia. But also, get comfortable with his penis. Learn how to handle his testicles (hint: gently, gently). Massage the perineum—the stretch of skin between his scrotum and anus—which may feel good for his prostate.

You don’t need to do all of this on Day One but start exploring and you may find fresh appreciation for this man you married. And for inspiration on this front, check out Song of Songs 5:10-16.

4. Focus on Arousal

His, yours, both…yes. But concentrate on your senses, so that you are aware of what’s happening, what feels good, and how your mind and body are reacting. If you get distracted, just let the distraction pass and then back into focus on the lovemaking. (See Mindfulness & Meditation During Sex.)

Breathe deep. Relax. Enjoy the sensations. Savor the pleasure.

5. Get into Position

Hopefully, you two have talked about sex positions before you arrive in the bedroom for a sexual encounter that requires you choosing one. But among your options, you should communicate which one(s) you want to try today. And then get into that position and adjust until you’re ready to try intercourse.

6. Check Your Body’s Responsiveness

Before he enters, check to see if your body really is ready for it. Yes, that means touch down there. This is increasingly important from perimenopause forward, as our estrogen decreases and our bodies can become less cooperative with swelling and lubrication.

A wife may think that she’s fully aroused and rarin’ to go, but then discover that her labia have not swollen sufficiently and/or lubrication is insufficient for penetration to feel good. Your inner vaginal lips should swell to 2–3 times their regular size, and things should be pretty slippery down there. You or your husband may want to use a finger or two to draw some of your natural lube from the vaginal interior (just a bit into the opening) and spread it on the exterior vulva.

If you’re not ready, engage in more foreplay and/or add personal lubricant to prepare yourself better for entry. It won’t feel good if you’re not ready, so take the time to make sure you are.

7. Guide Him In

While intercourse seems fairly straightforward with Tab A going into Slot B, a lot of positions don’t allow either of you to really see how penetration is happening. And it’s important for your husband to come in at the proper entry point and angle. So why not guide him in?

You can move the head of his penis to where it would be best for him to enter, and/or you can reach down and spread your vaginal opening out a bit so that the entry point is easier for him to find. If things feel slightly off, use your words and/or hands to adjust so that the moment his penis penetrates your vagina, it’s not a poke-and-prod experience but rather a satisfying feeling of being joined and filled.

8. Fine-tune Your Position

Once he’s inside, you may want to modify your body’s position to make sure his thrusting hits your good spots. Tilt your hips forward or backward to change the angle and/or add friction from the base of his penis to your clitoral bulb. Lift or cross your legs to get new sensations or change tightness. Grab pillows—especially a wedge pillow—and place under your bum or hips (depending on your position) to lift yourself toward him or remove some of your muscle tension.

Of course, if the general position you’re in isn’t working for you, suggest another one! You can always change sex positions midstream. Feel free to experiment and see what feels good for both of you.

9. Participate Fully

Given that you’re in the throes of lovemaking, you might think: How much more fully can a wife participate?! But let’s face it—most ladies can multitask even during sex. We can enjoy what’s happening, yet also wonder:

• How do I look? Does he notice my extra pounds? Is my facial expression all twisted up?
• I wish he’d thrust a little harder. Should I tell him that? Or will that sound weird?
• Oh my goodness, I just grunted. Not very ladylike.
• What’s my husband thinking? Is he just into the physical side, or does he really feel connected to me right now?
• Will I reach orgasm this time? I hate when I’m almost there but can’t get over the hump.

You may need to practice focus and re-focus during sexual intimacy. (See #4 above!) But one way to help it is to give yourself full permission and encouragement to just BE who you are in the moment.

Forget what you look like. Make noise. Grab his bum, squeeze, and draw him in deeper. Ask for what you want; one-word directions can work especially well (e.g., “harder,” “softer,” “faster,” “slower”). Put his hands or mouth where you want them. Make direct eye contact. Say his name.

While you may feel self-conscious doing such things at first, it’s actually pretty arousing to your mate for you to be super into it. There’s even research showing that her making noise helps him climax. But expressing yourself also keeps your attention there and helps you enjoy it more.

10. Engage in Afterglow

What happens after sex can add to or detract from what happened during sex. If you finish and say, “Well, that’s that,” get up and use the bathroom, then go on your way, what impression have you left your spouse? Conversely, if you finish and say, “I love you,” then pull your beloved close, and remain entangled for a few minutes, what impression have you left? Clearly, the second option speaks love in a way the former does not.

That’s not to say that your afterglow needs to look like I’ve described. You may embrace for a while after sex, sit up and have a conversation, watch a show together to spend more time snuggling, be playful with jokes and flirting, shower together, or fill-in-the-blank. But taking a few minutes to extend the closeness you felt during sex can make a difference for how you feel about the physical intimacy itself.

There you go: 10 things you can do, wife, to help sex go well. Believe me, I’m rooting for you! And may you and your husband experience the one-flesh intimacy God intends for you to have.

Disclosure of Material Connection: This post includes one or more affiliate links, meaning if you click on the link and purchase an item, I receive an affiliate commission at no additional cost to you.

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One of the aspects I adore about the Song of Solomon, the one biblical book devoted to marital intimacy, is how the wife communicates her own enjoyment of sex with her husband. She doesn’t just make love to meet his needs and desires; she finds pleasure in the experience too!

And then, she goes a step further and shares with her husband her appreciation of their sexual intimacy.

How handsome you are, my beloved!
Oh, how charming!
And our bed is verdant.

Song of Solomon 1:16

How can we wives lovingly communicate our enjoyment of marital lovemaking?

Here are five ways to let your husband know you enjoy sex.

1. Say yes.

One sure way to let your husband know you don’t desire and enjoy sex is to say “no” often. Of course, the opposite is true: Say “yes” often, and he’ll get the message that you see sex as a priority for your marriage. But don’t merely be available; get engaged. Say “yes!” to the whole experience.

Show up to the marriage bed as a fully participating lover. If you give your physical intimacy more attention and focus, you’ll likely find yourself enjoying sex more and more.

Note: This doesn’t mean you can’t say no. You certainly can, but overall the setpoint in a marriage should be toward yes. If you have good reasons for refusing, address them so you change the course of sexual intimacy in your marriage.

2. Move your body.

Lean into the lovemaking. When you have sex with your husband, touch and caress him. Kiss his lips and his body. Rub against him with your body. Tilt your hips toward him. Move in rhythm with his thrusting.

Your movement will likely increase your own arousal. Moreover, when you “get into it,” you convey to your husband that you’re fully involved in what’s happening with your bodies. It’s like the difference between a man dancing and dragging his partner across the floor, and the both of you fully enjoying the “mattress mambo.”

3. Make some noise.

No matter how focused your husband is on other things, he can probably hear you throughout the sexual encounter. So let your voice convey when you are feeling pleasure.

Noise can be anything from low moaning to heavy breathing to unbridled screaming—whatever fits the moment, your comfort zone, and the distance from your bedroom to the children’s bedroom. But don’t worry so much about sounding weird or being overheard. Let loose a little and make some bedroom noise.

(Oh, and don’t worry so much how you look either: Forget What You Look Like While Making Love.)

4. Initiate Sex.

Show him you like sex by outright asking for it! Most husbands revel in that moment when a wife overtly suggests sex. Your initiation can take the form of sexy flirting, setting a romantic scene and donning special lingerie, requesting sex at a particular time and place, or simply straddling your husband in bed and saying, “Let’s do it!”

But make it a priority to initiate sex, at least now and then. Express to your husband that sex is so wonderful you’re eager to make love again.

Not your situation? We can help!

5. Just tell him you like it—but not subtly.

We wives are often brought up to use courtesy and subtlety as ways to communicate in a ladylike fashion. That’s all well and good, ladies, but most men don’t read social cues and body language as well as we do. They don’t take hints. So simply say it—as candidly as you can.

It can be as straightforward as “You’re an amazing lover,” as meaningful as “I adore feeling like one flesh when we make love,” or as playful as “Honey, you put the wow in bow-chicka-bow-wow!” But get the point across to your husband that sex is important and satisfying.

Those are small ways to let your husband know that you enjoy making love. And they can foster your enjoyment of lovemaking as well!

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1. Invest in heavy kissing first.

I’ve said before that I don’t think married couples kiss enough, but research also shows one of the activities that helps women climax is heavy kissing. Once married, we often move to quickly to the main event, not taking time to “make out” like we used to. Spend a little more time locking lips, and you might enjoy that main event more.

2. Undress with a tease.

Draw out anticipation by taking off clothes slowly. You could perform a strip tease, easing out of your clothing bit by bit with a playful or sexy tone. Or he could strip tease for you! But you could also simply undress him at a leisurely pace. And tease his skin just at or under the edge of his clothing before removing an item.

3. Tour one another’s bodies.

Yes, we all know where the “goodies” are, but how about spending more time on the whole, amazing body God gave your husband? Using your hands and/or mouth, trace his skin in various places—limbs, torso, head—as if memorizing it. If you need help to slow down this endeavor, offer to spread lotion or massage oil on your husband. Or ask him to spread it on your body.

4. Say what you like or want.

When asked what makes a woman sexy, a common answer among husbands is “confidence.” I know, I know…easier said than done. But if you can say what you are enjoying in the moment or request what you want, that’s a confident move and typically arousing to your man. Not to mention that you then get more of what you want and like in bed! After all, how is your hubby supposed to know how things feel to you unless you tell him? Speaking up for yourself is a win-win.

5. Spend some time “down there.”

Do you really know your husband’s penis? Could you, as they say, pick it out from a lineup? If not, maybe it’s time to engage in man-part appreciation. For general information, listen to our Male Anatomy podcast episode, but for specifics, explore all those places on your particular guy. Move into position where you can closely view and handle things down there. As you touch your husband, watch his reactions so that you learn what he likes and how you affect him. God created this vital part of his body, and both of you can be aroused by embracing its wondrousness.

See also Get to Know His Penis from The Forgiven Wife.

6. Go for your orgasm first.

You might not get one if you’re relying solely on intercourse, as many women have difficulty achieving it this way. But if you aim for your climax first, you could: orgasm before he enters; have him penetrate right as you’re beginning to peak; and/or get a second orgasm during intercourse. No bad options there, right? Plus, the arousal your body goes through to reach orgasm should make your vaginal lips ready for penetration—that is, swollen to 2-3 times their normal size and well-lubricated. (If you need additional lube, though, go for it.)

7. Pause once he’s inside you.

You can do this for a few seconds or longer, but once your husband’s penis is all the way in, take a moment to savor that feeling before thrusting begins. Do this yourself from a woman-on-top position, or ask him to stop for a moment until you’re ready to continue—or, let’s face it, until he can’t easily handle the delay any longer. It’s pretty amazing how God created our bodies to fit together, so take a brief interlude and appreciate that experience.

8. Tilt your hips.

Whatever sexual position you use, tilt your hips. More. A little more. You might be delightfully surprised how shifting your hips forward or backward changes the angle of entry and thus the sensations you feel. Even if you don’t orgasm during intercourse, indirect stimulation of the clitoris can be particularly enjoyable, and hip-tilting can help you get some friction to that area. Some couples are also able to achieve contact with her G-spot or Skene’s glands, the latter of which (experts believe) is responsible for female ejaculation.

Want specific position ideas? Check out the resource below.

9. Close your thighs.

This isn’t possible with every sexual position obviously, but you can tighten things up a bit for your husband by closing your thighs, down to your knees. Yep, women were once instructed to avoid sex by keeping their knees closed. But it turns out, once hubby’s in, that’s a good way to narrow the entryway slightly, potentially providing more pleasure for both of you. For even more narrowing, try crossing your legs.

10. Do Kegels.

You know those Kegel exercises you’re supposed to be doing for the health of your pelvic floor? Why not do a few while he’s inside you? A wife’s orgasm creates muscle spasms of her vagina, which tightens around his penis, feeling good to both of you. But you can mimic those spasms a bit with Kegels. Bonny Burns lays out in this post from OysterBed7 how Kegels can also strengthen your orgasm. Since you’re supposed to be doing them anyway, why not during sex?

11. Snuggle after sex.

Do you bask in the afterglow? This could be a key moment for you and your husband to feel more intimate and satisfied. Post-climax, you have several body chemicals running through you, including oxytocin (which promotes a sense of bonding), dopamine (which “rewards” us for what just happened), and serotonin (which provides a feeling of well-being and happiness). Let these feelings wash over you while lying in one another’s arms.

And yes, ladies, you should get up and pee post-coitus, but you needn’t panic about it. Health professionals say you can take several minutes to an hour to make it to the bathroom and still get the health benefits of clearing your bladder.

12. Thank God for His gift.

I’ve encouraged couples to pray for their sexual intimacy and even before, during, or after sex. Still, some are uncomfortable with the thought of God in their bedroom. I get it. It can feel awkward to be mid-intercourse and imagine God blessing your union right then and there. But afterward, take a moment to thank Him for this unique gift to marriage. And if you’re still struggling with sexual issues or concerns, take those to Him too—letting Him carry your burdens and leave you with His peace. (See Psalm 68:19 and Matthew 11:28-29.)

Or just imagine giving Him a thumbs-up for that awesome orgasm you just had. Whatever works for you.

*This post is for couples who have a reasonably healthy sex life. If you’re looking for advice on dealing with deeper sexual problems or a sexless marriage, I have many other posts on those topics and a search bar at the top of this website.

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For many wives, knowing more of what they’re doing in the bedroom empowers them to embrace their own sexuality, feel confident about themselves, and get aroused by the effect they have on their man.

So let’s talk about five ways to knock your hubby’s bedroom socks off!

Quick warning: Some of the following is pretty specific, so if you visualize as you read, please make sure it’s an image of your spouse in your mind. If you struggle with that, step away.

1. Undress yourself slowly.

How do you eat a drive-through hamburger versus a gourmet chocolate dessert? I suspect your partake of the latter more slowly, savoring every bite. Not that I’m opposed to hamburger days, but why not tease out the experience of undressing yourself as if you’re the gourmet dessert. (You totally are, you sexy wife, you!)

A little background music and low lighting can set the mood. Let your husband know that you’ll do the undressing, and he just gets to watch. Then take your time slipping off each item of clothing and tossing it onto the floor or over to him. For added excitement, a wife can touch herself as she goes, stroking her leg sensually as she removes her skirt, running her hands over her breasts as she removes her shirt, even stroking a finger over her pubic mound or lower as she removes her panties.

2. Give him real access.

Many wives feel uncomfortable spreading their legs really wide. But there’s something really arousing to a husband about his wife confidently, unabashedly opening up that area fully so he can have access to see, touch, and pleasure her.

There are a few ways you can give him real access to your vulva. Sit up in a bed or on a chair, tilt your hips forward, and bend your knees out wide. Or lie down, tilt your hips forward, and make a butterfly pose with your legs. Or spread out full-eagle on the bed, one leg to the east, one to the west. For added oomph, specifically invite your husband into your garden with words, a come-hither gesture, or stroking your own vulva a few times to ready the area for his attention.

3. Make it a “yes” night.

Want to know what turns you both on? It’s actually good if you just tell each other, rather than expecting you both to be mind-readers. But for a twist on that, limit what you say during a sexual encounter to the just the word “yes.”

That is, he can only direct you with a yes and should say yes when something feels good. If he wants, you can do the same. But make sure to vary your yeses, showing your enthusiasm for certain sensations. A whispered “yes” and a shouted “yes” strike a different chord with your lover, so use volume, pitch, and tone to communicate your excitement and enjoyment of sexual intimacy.

4. Stroke the underside.

I’ve written about this area before, but there’s a section between a man’s testicles and his anus that can be especially sensitive. It’s called the perineum, or colloquially you might hear the term “taint.” By stroking that underside, you are in contact with the base interior of your husband’s penis, as well as indirectly stimulating the prostate gland, which can be an erogenous zone for men.

Massage or press that perineum on its own or when giving him oral sex, or hook your arm around to stroke him while engaging in intercourse. Pressure against this area can feel really good and intensify his orgasm.

5. Take charge.

Most husbands love seeing their wives filled with enthusiasm for sex — they want their woman to really get into the experience. And nothing says, “I want this, I want you,” quite like taking charge of the movements of intercourse.

Straddle your husband, and then either squat to use your legs to pump up and down on him or sit and rock your hips back and forth. Add in a hip-circle now and then to mix things up and get a new sensation. You can also use a chair, asking him to sit first, then sit on top of him, straddle the chair, and go at your own rhythm until you, he, or both of you reach climax. (For more ideas on positions, Christian Friendly Sex Positions also has an entire section for Wife in Control.)

And for all kinds of ideas on amping up your pleasure and his, check out my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design.

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Interestingly enough, the two passages in Song of Solomon in which the husband describes the beauty of his wife’s body (chapters 4 and 7), he skips right over the pelvic area. Legs are described. Waist is described. But not what comes in between, even though it’s a rather important part of the whole deal. Instead, the Lover (husband) primarily refers to his wife’s lady parts with symbolic language, such as “garden.”

But the way God designed a woman’s hips allows them to be somewhat of a wonder worker in sexual intimacy with her husband. If she knows how to use them.

So let’s talk, wives.

Using your hips in marital intimacy can be described by the kinds of motions you can make with them.

Tilting. Front-to-back, your hips can work like a pendulum. Tilting them toward your husband can alter the angle of entry and the resulting sensations you both feel. It can also signal to him that you are fully engaged in what’s happening.

When making love face-to-face, you can tilt your hips forward, which may allow your husband to move deeper. In the rear entry position (husband entering his wife’s vagina from behind), tilting your hips backward opens up the area for him to engage more fully.

Rocking. With that same pendulum motion, you can rock your hips forward and backward. This is one of the ways that a wife can take control of some of the thrusting. It is easiest done with the woman-on-top position, where she can pulse her hips in a consistent rhythm.

Altering the speed of rocking can affect whether this is a playful motion that draws out lovemaking or a more intense motion that draws toward climax. Advantages of this position and motion are that the husband has a wonderful view of his wife’s body and he can continue to touch her breasts and clitoris to increase her pleasure.

Wiggling. Wiggling seems the appropriate word for this motion, because it’s kind of like fidgeting your hips around in your chair — only on your husband. This is a sort of tease you can do with your hips and can be very enjoyable as you pay attention to the way your body parts connect and alter slightly with each movement. Be careful not to wiggle too much or too fast, since his erect penis is not meant to be that flexible.

Riding. Oh, how I considered and reconsidered this descriptive word! But that’s really what it is. If you’ve ever been on a horse (or an elephant or a camel — whatever you ride), you know that feeling of your hips bouncing up and down as the animal trots or gallops.

That same up-and-down bouncing motion can be incredibly hot during sex. The wife moves her hips straight up and down, creating the rhythmic thrust for making love. She does the work, but she’s also more in control of her pleasure. If needed, she can slow the pace down to draw out her arousal, possibly making it more likely that she can achieve climax along with her husband during intercourse. Her husband can also signal what he desires by placing his hands outside her hips and guiding her.

Honestly, the best way to “ride” is to plant your feet (think back to the way an equestrian has stirrups to steady her feet). Thus, squatting over your husband will allow more control than kneeling. Your knees and hips can act together to provide that up-and-down motion. If your legs tire, you can change positions to kneeling for a bit and then return to squatting . . . or at this point, you might agree to have your husband just flip you over and take charge (because he’s likely very turned on by how active you are in this sexual encounter).

There you go — ways to use your hips in marital intimacy.

But now I’ve got a couple of popular songs running through my head that relate to this topic. One particular song I learned from Zumba exercise classes, but it seems appropriate to quote here. As Shakira sings:

And I’m on tonight
You know my hips don’t lie
And I’m starting to feel it’s right
All the attraction, the tension
Don’t you see baby, this is perfection

Sure, the song is about dancing, but it seemed to fit. Now go and have fun with those hips and your hubby!

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