How to Help Your Wife Get Naked

After writing last week on Getting Comfortable Being Naked with Your Husband and Tips for Confidently Baring It All for the Hubby, I decided talk directly to the hubbies…those ones who want to see more of their wives.

See, I get it, husbands. You men are in a precarious position. Here’s the set-up:

  • You want to see your wife naked.
  • She’s not that comfortable with her body.

So you start thinking, “What can I do to help her feel okay about her body?” And the problem-solving begins . . .

Maybe you can tell her to just get over it. Maybe you can tell her she’s pretty…once (that should do it, right?). Maybe you can sign her up at your gym. Maybe you can remind her that many women who’ve given birth have extra fat. Maybe you can suggest she skip dessert. Maybe you can even suggest a weight loss program.

Don’t do it! I’m warning you like the movie audience viewer who sees the girl armed with a hairpin entering the serial killer’s lair. Don’t. Go. There.

In fact, here’s a peek into the female brain: Oftentimes when we complain or vent about something, we don’t want a quick fix. We’re not looking for a resolution. We’re looking for your reassurance.

So what can a husband do to help his wife get naked?

Husband starting to unzip wife's dress

Tell her she’s beautiful. Often, sincerely, deeply. Be consistent and specific, even stating which specific parts of her body you find particularly appealing and why. She may have a hard time accepting the broad statement that she’s “hot,” but tell her you adore the way her hips curve and fit perfectly into your hands? That’s specific enough to mean something.

Want an example? Check out Song of Songs 4 and 7, where the husband wonderfully describes the beauty of his wife.

Tell her what seeing her naked body does to you. And no, I’m not talking about the erection, men. You don’t have to say that. We see it.

Express the arousal, emotion, and satisfaction you experience when you get to see and touch the one woman in the world you’re allowed to, and deeply want to, see and touch. Tell her why it means so much to share your body with her and have her share her body with you. Say why you love having that view, that access, that just-you-and-me feeling. I don’t need to give you the words. You men express yourselves pretty well when you need to. Just make it a priority.

Allow her time to prepare. She may not want to just yank it all off and jump into bed buck naked. It’s a vulnerable thing for women to remove their clothing, and your wife may need time and practice to feel comfortable baring it all — even for you. Suggest she take her time, maybe starting with a bubble bath, putting on lingerie she likes (you can like it too, but make sure she’s good with it), and turning on relaxing music.

Give her a chance to run through whatever routine works to diffuse the pressures of her day and help her get into a let’s-get-naked mood. The more you can help her through the initial jitters, the more likely she’ll grow used to this nude thing and get undressed more readily and easily.

Focus on more than the super-sexy parts. Yes, we wives know you like breasts and lady bits. It’s actually pretty awesome how awesome you men think your women are. However, your wary wife may assume you don’t like the rest of her body so much if you’re always racing to the erogenous zones. I mean, who claims a film is their favorite movie when all they ever watch is the climax scene?

So hang out at other parts of her body. Spend time touching, caressing, complimenting, kissing, fondling…her face, her arms, her legs, her torso, her neck, her whatever. Let her know through your full attention that so much of her body is beautiful to you, that every part of her matters. You can still get to the climax scene, but pay attention to the rest of the show.

Watch your words. Your opinion really matters, and she’s especially sensitive to how you view her body. She figures that out by what you say, how you say it, and even sometimes what you don’t say.

Consider this scripture: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29). Your words have to build her up according toΒ her needs. What does she need you to say? And what does she need you to refrain from saying? I’m not trying to put you guys in a eggshell mine field, but simply watch your words and your tone and make sure you’re building her up with what you say.

Don’t talk about other women. While you shouldn’t lie to your spouse, you needn’t share every single thought that crosses your brain. If my husband notices a beautiful woman during the day (I’m not talking about lusting here), how does that help our marriage and my confidence for him to share how she looked when he gets home?

Wives who recognize how visual their husbands are are all too aware of how many beautiful women are out there for your viewing. We know some ladies surpass our beauty and could capture your attention. Then we look at ourselves and wonder what you could possibly see in this body that would excite you so much. So avoid lusting after other women (Matthew 5:27-28) and don’t always point out who else you find physically attractive.

Encourage her toward health. If your wife is extremely overweight, frumpy in appearance, or let herself go in some other way, don’t point at her flaws from the other side of the room. Get on her side and become a supporter of her health. And don’t just talk weight loss. If you simply focus on weight, she might go on yo-yo diets and screw up her metabolism and health and appearance even more. Talk health. If she’s healthy, she’ll look and feel better.

Suggest walking together. Suggest taking cooking classes together. Keep the kids while she exercises with friends or goes to the gym. Encourage her to update her wardrobe. Schedule a spa and makeover day for her. Make her health and her feeling good about her body the priority, and you’ll both appreciate the results.

Helping your wife feel better about her body will encourage her to feel comfortable and confident enough to share it with you!

And now let’s ask some wives and husbands, how can a husband help his wife feel more comfortable and confident getting naked in the marital bedroom? What’s worked or would work for you?

22 thoughts on “How to Help Your Wife Get Naked

  1. IntimacySeeker

    Beautifully written and expressed, thank you! I wonder if husbands might focus on one attribute a day when telling wives what they appreciate. I know I would relish that and it would create a process through which I would become more and more comfortable and confident. Better than him compiling and reciting a long list and then thinking, “there–that’s done.” In other words, develop a habit of expressing these things to his wife.
    Thanks again for this wonderful post and all your encouragement!

  2. Dan

    I need to do a wrap up on my series and I see a links to here in my future. I can’t get over how this has blossomed from such a simple start. The blogosphere is perplexing. I had a record number of views and views per visitor on Part 5, but the least amount of comments compared to some lesser viewed posts. I am really happy this has had such fantastic response for you. Good job with it. It obviously needed to be discussed.

  3. berjiboo

    My husband does many of these things. They really do help. Another thing he does is the “up down” glance with the smile of approval. No words verbalized but so much meaning in the look. πŸ˜‰
    The other day I was lamenting how, even though I have been working out consistently, the scale is not moving in the direction I want. His response: “I still find you sexy as hell”.
    Who cares what the scale says with a comment like that? (Well to be honest, I still do, but it sure goes a long way to thinking more confidently about myself!)

    1. J Post author

      Love this! I enjoy that up-down scan from my hubby too. That look was absolutely awful when I was single and some creepy guy did it, but with my hubby? Bring. It. On. πŸ˜‰

  4. Becca

    I am totally leaving this up on my computer for the hubs to read when he comes home from work! Well written! Thanks!

  5. Mary

    I think often women get frumpy or stop paying attention to looking cute for their man, and stop feeling sexy & sexual, because their man has stopped paying attention to them as a woman, not the other way around. Perhaps he pays attention to her as a cook, or co-parent, or housekeeper, or money maker, or treats her as his buddy. I want to be treated like a woman, that is desired, thought of, and wanted above the rest of the people and tasks in my man’s life. I want to know I am a priority. Neglecting your wife, leads to her neglecting herself. As your describe above, thoughtful, meaningful attention and loving gestures, make us feel pretty and sexy and eager to see our husbands and to please them, naked or otherwise. Put her last, behind your favorite TV show, or whatever temporary distraction is occupying your attention, and your wife will find comfy yoga pants, don a pony-tail sans make-up, and get overly involved with the kids… and you will have frump-ified her. Spoken from a former frump, who’s hubby laid on the unconditional love and attention after much neglect, and he gets a sexy enthusiastic partner many times per week.

      1. J Post author

        I agree that husbands need to continue to woo their wives. Women want to be desired and valued, and husbands can and should make that a priority. Thanks for your comments!

  6. Amy

    When my hubby says, “hey beautiful!” as I walk into the room or sends me a text in the wee early mornings (he’s out the door by 3am for work!) that reads, “good morning, beautiful!” it always brings a smile to my face and gives me the confidence to carry myself as if I am the most beautiful woman in the world to him. And that makes me look forward to getting naked for him later that night. πŸ˜‰

    And ladies, BELIEVE your husbands when they tell you they love your body and how beautiful you are. Do not roll your eyes, sigh or mutter “yeah, sure” under your breath. Say “thank you”, smile at him and kiss him like you mean it. If we wives always discredit our husbands for saying something nice to us, they eventually stop making the effort. When we let them know through our words and actions how much it means to hear them say such wonderful things they will want to keep putting forth the effort. And the truth is, a woman who smiles often, says “thank you” and is all around respectful towards her husband will truly be the most beautiful woman in the world to him! πŸ˜‰

    1. Steve

      100% agree with Amy, Amen! In some respect it comes across as if you don’t believe or value your husbands opinion of you. I believe this does a tremendous amount of harm in the long run. It is all about attitude. I think we all would like to know our spouses find us attractive, I know I do.
      Thanks for the great post!

  7. Mike

    What Amy said…AMEN! Nothing is more disconcerting to a husband who makes the effort to compliment his beautiful wife than to have his compliments blown off as a bargain for sex. She is my everything partner who I chose to give my life and body to and to accept hers for mine. I crave her love, I crave her support, I crave her approval, and, yes, I crave her wonderfully put together body…every day, no exceptions. It was perfect for me 35 years ago and it’s even more perfect to me today! Ladies, believe and accept your husband’s words. You’ll make him feel warm and fuzzy all over which in turn will make you feel warm and fuzzy all over.

    1. Steve Friedrich

      Almost 33 years here. I love her and her body and desire her more than ever. We have a sizzling love affair!

      1. Mary

        I love that… sizzle it up.. its fun. I think a lot of couples’ inability to connect comes from a belief that this is not supposed to be super duper enjoyable, and doesn’t need much time or energy.. the belief that the marriage sexual connection is just like everything else.. and its not. Its special, set apart, it deserves time and attention and thought… preparation, and just plain old fun and creative thoughts. Make it fun for you both, try stuff, giggle, listen, study her responses and your own. Lovemaking should be to celebrate, to comfort, to heal, to show tenderness and forgiveness, to relax, to enjoy, to connect, to make babies, to quell fears, to be creative, and the marriage bed in undefiled.. enjoy yourselves men and women, there is NO SHAME in enjoying a healthy active sex life, its a bond that will carry you through many hardships. Get on board. I think the couples who have regular , enjoyable lovemaking at a frequency that suits them both – are happy and their marriages last! Its worth it. Now go get naked and enjoy this gift of closeness and pleasure you are allowed and encouraged to partake in. Lock the door, get a sitter, go away, spark it up and fan the flame. Don’t waste this wonderful thing… its yours to build and make special with your spouse. I cannot wait to get home… we have date nights to go out. And I know our “schedule” of lovemaking, and rather than being boring and routine, it gives me such anticipation, that Tues, Thurs, Fri, Sat & Sun, we are one flesh (and sometimes more than once on those days – Sat morning for example is a sweet time). It could be more or less, we don’t refuse each other. We are both open to the other’s needs. Today is Thursday, and I will not be disappointed and the whole day I know we are both looking forward to tonight.

  8. libl

    My husband sees me nude quite often, but one thing that has me buried in a flannel granny gown faster than anything is when he sees other women naked or scantily clad, like watching tv shows with explicit sex scenes. It is so hard to bare myself to him when it feels like I am going up against the hundreds of women he’s seen naked through media, past porn use, strip clubs, etc.

    I purposefully saved myself for him. I purposefully stayed modest to save myself for him and it hurts so much to know he is not careful with what he allows before his eyes. Why? Why am I expected to remain exclusive, but it is “okay” for him to.see other women? I thought I was supposed to be uniquely special….the one woman he could enjoy. Instead, I am head wife in the harem of his mind.

    No, he doesn’t look at porn now, and he is more careful about media, but decades of damage has been done. They say that database of naked women in a man’s mind never goes away.

    1. IntimacySeeker

      My heart has been aching for you since I read your post yesterday. It resonated with me as I have struggled with knowing my husband finds so many other women attractive/beautiful and can be aroused by just seeing them, even fully dressed women.
      Through conversation on The Generous Husband (see What’s Not On the Table) and The X Y Code (see Arousal versus Desire) I grew in my understanding of my husband’s perspective. Recent posts at The Forgiven Wife helped me understand that I am set apart from other women because of the intimate relationship I have with my husband. Still, knowing that I am one of countless others he finds beautiful is a tough pill to swallow.
      If your husband knows how you feel about this issue, perhaps continued conversation with him can help you make some progress. When I asked my husband about his being “raring to go” after watching a steamy scene in a movie, he explained that hot movie scenes simply make him want me. That’s my experience when watching those scenes–I want him.
      The first response I received at The Generous Husband (What’s Not On the Table) was very encouraging. The writer explained that if my husband is being careful about what he sees these days and I am giving him plenty of visions of me, then I can believe him when he tells me I am the only woman in his mind. He claims the images of other women fade to the background and thoughts of me prevail.
      Regarding the database you mention, I assume you are referring to Shaunti Feldhahn’s book, “For Women Only” in which she speaks of the visual rolodex. I took this to mean men struggle with images of other women 24/7, which is apparently not the case. Although to understand it takes concerted effort for our husbands to refrain from thoughts of other women is deeply troubling.
      I pray you find some healing and peace around this painful issue. You are a child of God who deserves to feel honored and cherished by her husband.

      1. libl

        Maybe I should look at it this way. Solomon literally did have a harem, but there was only one Shulamite. We can guess she wasn’t the most beautiful (or beautifully adorned) woman Solomon had access to, but she was the one who had his heart. Still doesn’t make the harem right in God’s eyes, but we are all fallible humans.

    2. J Post author

      I understand your frustration with that. And I’ve also heard that the “database of naked women in a man’s mind never goes away.” But I don’t think it’s quite that simple. Yes, those images went into his brain, but he’s not likely conjuring them up at the snap of his fingers. What I’ve heard from men over and over is that they don’t typically entertain those images if they (1) know they shouldn’t and make an effort to keep their minds properly directed and/or (2) have the woman they really want available to them. Of course, a husband must make a conscious decision to keep his eyes and mind and heart pure, but I believe we wives actually help their focus when we are intimate and available. Most men would far rather see their own wives, even with the imperfections.

      Hope that helps! Best wishes.

    3. E

      Please know that all guys have seen something at some point in their lives that is “sexy”. Let’s face it, it is all around us. It doesn’t take nudity to register in our minds. That said, there is no database of women from past pictures or media that sticks with men forever. It is one of the blessings built into us by God and why we keep wanting to explore our wife’s beauty when we have seen it a thousand times.

  9. Romantic at heart !

    My wife is the most Beautiful woman in the world and she hears me tell her that everyday. I still get as excited when I am around her as I did when we were teenagers. I have devoted my life/work and time to take care of her and our children. I assist in all aspects of the housework and anything that will help her in her daily life. I pray with her daily and encourage her to attend her bible studies and rosary groups with her girl friends. I love seeing her naked, she has the most beautiful body. When we are intimate at times she experiences shear delight and Thanks me. My issue is that the norm for awhile now seems to be too tired, headache, and of course menapause !!
    How can someone who experiences such a wonderful God given ability to delight in the Joy of intimacy between spouses not desire to be intimite but only once every other week ??
    Any comment would be appreciated.

  10. brian

    I have been married for 31 years and I still love my wife as I did when we got married and I still say she is as gorgeous today as she was then

    1. J Post author

      Well, make a girl tear up, will ya? πŸ™‚

      Actually, it’s amazing to me how many husbands say such things about their wives. Many blessings to you and your marriage, Brian! Sounds like your wife is a lucky woman.

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