What Makes You Feel Sexy?

I’ve been listening to Spanish radio.

This is an odd choice because I speak only a little Spanish. But I was looking for musical playlists for when I write and discovered that listening to a song in a foreign language worked well. I enjoyed the tunes, but wasn’t distracted by the lyrics. Then I fell in love with a few specific songs, checked their translations to make sure they weren’t explicit, and downloaded those to my MP3 player.

So last night, as I was listening to Juan Magan, Gente de Zona, etc. and salsa dancing in my kitchen, I thought, This makes me feel sexy. It wasn’t the lyrics, but the way I was moving my body to the music. It put me in touch with the shape of my body, my feminine form, and how it moves. It made me appreciate God’s handiwork and mirrored the body awareness I have when making love with my husband.

I got to thinking: What other activities might make a wife feel sexy? Do we know?

With a woman's dancing feet

It’s a good question. Because maybe dancing doesn’t do it for you. Maybe it’s something else.

It’s likely several things.

I’m not talking about what gets you aroused. (Although it might.) Rather, I’m thinking about what makes you feel good about your body, your sensuality, your sexuality. Things like bubble baths, body massages, lotion applied to your skin by your husband, sleeping naked, some forms of exercise, aromatherapy, etc.

Those little things we do for ourselves can put us into better contact with our bodies and make us feel more sexy both in the moment and in our marriages. We come away feeling like a woman who is worth making love to and who can bask in physical pleasure.

I’ve talked plenty before about awakening your senses. When readying yourself for sexual intimacy, I believe it’s very important to do two things:

1. Relax. I’m not talking about that feeling you get right before you fall asleep, when your whole body is a jellied lump of flesh. This isn’t the last part of the yoga class where you’re supposed to lie there and imagine some peaceful setting and let all your muscles loosen. (I can’t do that yoga thing anyway, because right after I picture that placid lake, three water skiers go careening by, followed by a motor boat and a party pontoon. But maybe that’s just me…) I’m talking about stepping away from the daily demands of your life, taking time for self-care, and easing into a different role. Relaxing your brain. Which is a challenge for many women.

And I can honestly say that when I’m listening to music and dancing, my brain is not mulling over my to-do list or caught up in the latest political controversy. I’m pretty relaxed. I feel the same with certain other activities, like soaking in a hot bath while reading a book or digging my feet into the sand on the beach. These relaxing activities also make me aware of my body, which brings me to…

2. Awaken. Seemingly paradoxical, you have to awaken other parts of yourself — the parts that feed into feeling sexy. This isn’t just your lady parts, gals. Rather, it includes your five senses. With special attention paid to your skin, which has like a billion receptors or something.

You also want to lean into appreciating your femininity, whatever that looks like for you. I used to feel not-so-feminine, because I wasn’t quite as elegant or delicate as many women I knew. But you have all the features of a woman, and there is plenty to embrace about your own femininity. You have curves — yes, whether you’re a hourglass figure, an athletic build, or apple-shaped, you have curves. Own them, love them. You have sensitivities in places where men don’t, and you should enjoy those. You are built differently and beautifully.

Song of Songs says, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” (3:5, 8:4). But when you’re married, Love desires to be awakened. So go ahead and arouse it, awaken it, embrace it.

Figure out what makes you feel sexy. Then do those things.

For myself, I’ve decided I need to dance more. But I’ve also made a list of other activities that help me appreciate my body and my sex appeal to my husband. Just my own list of 5 Ways to Feel Sexy, with actions I should take more often and more enthusiastically. I suspect my marriage bed benefit.

How about you make your own list? Any ideas to share with others?

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22 thoughts on “What Makes You Feel Sexy?

  1. Nick

    Boxer briefs and a nice robe. Yeah it’s guys need to feel sexy too. Now I’m not talking regular boxer briefs I’m talking colorful picked out by my wife boxer briefs. The robe isn’t the robe you run to get the paper off the driveway in, something satin that the wife will teach into for a hug burrying her face in my chest.

    Reply
    1. Eric

      J,

      For years I wondered why some girls would melt into the arms of guys who wanted only an easy way to get some sex. As a married man, I figured it wouldn’t hurt if I could more easily get from my wife the “take me to bed” responses that other guys seemed to get from women they’d just met. An introvert and a nerd, I didn’t date much until my senior year of college, when I met the wonderful woman to whom I’ve been married for 50+ years. God rewarded me for waiting–but I digress.

      One day I discovered the Song of Solomon, where the lover tells his beloved how enthralled he is with certain private body parts between her knees and her neck. So I tried it. She felt sexy, apparently, because it wasn’t long before she seemed to find it easier to let me see her nude, sleep naked and make love.

      So one key to a woman’s feeling sexy, apparently, is to lovingly speak to her about her body’s special delights. Her breasts and backside both need to be praised and kissed. Probably it’s not so much the physical contact as the knowledge that hubs enjoys these fascinating attributes of femininity. Read the S of S, and follow through. She’ll feel and act sexy.

      Also, tomorrow being Valentine’s Day buy her a dozen long-stem roses. I know guys–most stores charge rip-off prices just before V-Day, but do it anyway! She’ll feel sexy enough to let you rip her clothes off!
      Eric

      Reply
  2. Libl

    When my husband touches me in places other than the “big 3-boobs, butt, vulva”. When he slides his hands gently over other areas that reveal my femininity, like my waist down to my hips, or my slim shoulders, or kisses me on my neck, or up my arm like Gomez Addams….

    Dressing very femininely makes me feel sexy, but so does getting dirty and tough doing something hard.

    Reply
  3. Jessica

    A pedicure always makes me feel attractive and, in turn, sexy and desirable. Having smooth feet and pretty toes makes a big difference in my mind.

    Reply
  4. B

    J, you’re awesome. I WISH I could think more like you. I read these posts and think “that would be great…but…” or “how great would it be to feel like these things were meant for me, too.”

    But, I really don’t think I’m meant to feel sexy. Nothing makes me feel sexy. Maybe getting really dressed up for a wedding or a dinner party helps a little, but since that happens like once every five years…
    My husband’s lower drive reminds me daily of just how un-sexy I must be. I was reading something about higher drive wives the other day, and half the men who commented said something like “this cannot be, these women are mythical, no woman has a higher drive than her husband…” and one commenter even accused the author of being a liar. So you see, although people like to tell me it’s “normal”, based on these comments, it’s really not. Most men really love and desire their wives.

    And, you mentioned “but you have all the features of a woman, and there is plenty to embrace about your own femininity.” – regardless of body shape. That is probably true for most women, but not for me. I guess my build would be athletic. My body type is not considered feminine. I have almost the exact same measurements as Kate Upton. When I realized that, I was like “wow, maybe my husband doesn’t actually find me repulsive even though I think he longs for a much thinner, shorter woman with a much bigger butt.” BUT – if you simply google her name, there are countless websites and comments that call her fat, ugly, too tall, no butt, manly, and every other mean thing you can think of and it is all reminiscent of what I was always told growing up. When I read the comments that say “how can she possibly be a model” I can hear my female relatives saying “no guy is ever going to like you. They don’t like big girls.” Once, when I was 16, a woman asked me, “have you ever considered being a model?” I remember thinking how cruel she was to make fun of me by asking me what was really a cleverly disguised put down in front of my friends. I just laughed and walked away, but it was really hurtful.
    Anyhow, I read that stuff and I feel badly for Kate, because I used to think she was beautiful. I know how painful it is to have people tear you up like that. And I didn’t have to deal with it online, just most of my teen years, and every year or two on holidays. People can be cruel.
    But yeah, it’s good to know when you’re not sexy, so you don’t go around acting like it. Although, deep down I envy women who seem to feel good about themselves.

    Another great post though. And food for thought.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I don’t know how else to say this: Your confirmation bias is so massive, B. It’s really wild to me that you would think it hurtful for someone to say you should be a model. That, sweetheart, was a compliment — take it!

      And of course you are meant to feel sexy. But you put so many obstacles in your way, rather than figuring out what makes you feel sexy. (Hint: Reading comments from high-drive husbands or low-drive wives is not helping.) You are beautiful. I just wish, and pray, that you would come to believe it.

      Reply
      1. Kit

        My jaw kept dropping the further I read into that comment. No, no, no, please don’t be thinking this way about yourself! And yes… that WAS a compliment when you were asked if you ever considered being a model.

        In response to the actual post, gosh… I need to think about what makes me feel sexy! As of right now, I feel sexy as long as my legs are shaved and I’m not bloated… do I sound like a typical mother of three toddlers? My baby turns one tomorrow. Focusing on our marriage feels within reach! Love love love these babies, but thanking God we’re coming to the end of survival mode!

        Reply
    2. Jess.S

      Hi B,

      I’m a first time commentor , but long time reader and I’ve seen your comments here quite a bit. If you are a Christian, I think these articles might be a good reads: http://phyliciadelta.com/christian-womens-ministry/
      http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/self-love-and-the-christian-counselors-task

      Instead of obsessing over yourself, what you are or aren’t, how other people view you or don’t view you, whether or not your desired or desirable, set your sights on God’s beauty, how you view Him and whether or not you truly desire him. As John Piper says, all problems that make people unhappy or discontented stem from their failure to attain what they value most. It seems like you place a very unhealthy amount of value on being desired. Wanting to be desired is not a bad thing, but a good thing exalted to a place where it doesn’t belong becomes a bad thing– truly an idol. This puts an impossible pressure on your husband, whom you seem to want to fulfill needs that Christ should fulfill. When we are truly content in Christ, our desire for Him is above everything else, and He will fulfill our needs. Then other things, like being loved and desired by our spouses don’t have the power to make or break our self-image. Rather, they become added blessings to our short, short time on Earth. Setting our sights on Him is the only remedy to crushing weight of self-obsession and our inevitable failures to fulfill our deepest desires outside of Christ. I hope you do think about this and do find peace on this issue.

      Best, J.S

      Reply
      1. J Post author

        Thank you so much for commenting! I love the crux of your message to B.

        However, I will say that I disagree with Phylicia’s article. She creates a false dichotomy of either encouraging women to embrace beauty or encouraging them to embrace Jesus. When the Bible says both, although certainly Jesus is primary (and my blog, I pray, indicates that all the time). She may not like the emphasis, but I have seen wives and lives and marriages changed when a woman begins to believe in the beauty God instilled in her. Ultimately, that emanates from trust in Jesus and His love for her. I don’t see those as opposites in any way.

        Again, thanks for sharing! I appreciate you reading and commenting.

        Reply
      2. B

        Hi JessS, thank you for taking the time to comment.

        I looked at the Phylicia article. Didn’t get much from that one. Someone pointed me to an article on her blog a couple weeks ago, and I had a hard time taking her seriously. She could very well be a fantastic writer (and I admittedly have a lot of hang ups) but I tend to look at the “about me” section first. When the author starts off with: look at my beautiful picture! – and – look at all my accomplishments and all the wonderful places I’ve been in the media – and – down here are more pictures of me looking beautiful…
        Let’s just say I have a hard time taking people like that seriously. Again, I’m not trying to put her down, I’m sure she’s probably lovely, but she just makes me feel even worse about myself.

        Anyhow, the other article by John Piper, I found that WAY more helpful, insightful, and eye opening. It has given me much food for thought. Interesting that he uses a “too tall” girl as an example. That is a major hang up for me, as I’ve been 5’9″ since I was about 12, and reminded daily by my family how abnormal that was and how unfeminine it made me. when I got married, my petite sister-in-law picked up where my sister left off. People don’t put you down like that unless they really mean it and they are trying to keep you humble. What I found so funny though, is my one sister and my SIL do NOT like each other, and yet they seem to be tag team partners when it comes to keeping me humble. 😜

        I’m sorry that I give the impression that I’m obsessed with myself. That makes me sad. I’ve never been allowed to be pretty, or to feel like I’ve accomplished anything (not without being quickly put back in my place.) I accepted that a long time ago. It doesn’t mean I like the way things are, but I’ve accepted it. I find it perplexing that my acceptance of my lot in life make others feel I’m obsessed with myself.

        So I’ve been writing and deleting, writing and deleting, writing and deleting for over an hour. Time to move on. But thank you for the article. I will reread it many times. (Although I noticed the author writes: “I would seek to kindle a happy confidence in the ability and will of God to turn even her awkward height for her eternal benefit.” Notice how he calls it AWKWARD height. Call it confirmation bias if you will, but the word awkward sends a very clear message.)

        Funny thing, last night I found myself praying more than usual and I kept asking myself, “why do I comment on blogs? What am I looking for?” I’m still not sure of the answer. I guess I’m partly looking for someone to listen, because I’m a talker and these feelings are things that must never be discussed in real life. At least not without being judged and/or coddled – both of which I cannot stand.
        Do I need to pray more? Certainly. But first I have to figure out what to pray about! Praying for a better attitude makes sense. However, praying to see or believe things that are not true, does not.

        Therefore I think perhaps trying to pray to understand the “surpassing value of knowing Christ, or better, of being loved by him.” as mentioned in John Piper’s article might be the better place to start.

        Reply
    3. Haidy

      Hello B,
      If I may give a word to you, then it would be: talk with God about how you feel and ask Him to teach you to love yourself and loving your body and feeling desirable will follow. but the main goal must always be, accepting who you are to find peace within your soul. The keyword is reconciliation.

      Reply
      1. B

        Hi Haidy, thank you for commenting.

        I find your use of the word reconciliation interesting. Reconciliation with whom? Myself? God? My sisters?

        Reply
        1. Haidy

          Well, Jesus came to reconcile us with The Father. And with that we reconcile with ourselves, our past, our circumstances. Reconciliation through forgiveness. Forgiveness to others who hurt me and forgiveness for my sins. I did not deserve to be forgiven but Jesus gave that to me. Then I must forgive others too. If we don’t get this reconciliation from Jesus we cannot have peace. and if we don’t have peace, every comment, every hurtful word would knock us down. but If I find who I am in Jesus’ eyes, I wouldn’t care to know who I am in my own eyes.
          If I may make a suggestion, pray and fast to be able to forgive those who hurt you.
          May the Holy Spirit guide you in your path and grant you His promised peace and eternal life. 🙂

          Reply
    4. E

      B, I really, really think you need to see a good counsellor to help with your warped self image! You scoured through all the positive comments about Kate Upton to find the few (percentage wise) negative comments! That is nuts! And somehow twisted a comment about how you ‘should be a model’ into someone being mean to you! Now, obviously certain family members have been rathe insensitive about your body image issues, but could it possibly be because they are jealous???
      As a rather short person, I spent a lot of my teen years being teased for being short, and seeing all the really tall models in the media! Now, I have come to embrace my stature and other traits (eg stocky legs, broad shoulders) and I no longer envy the tall, athletic women that I thought was the ‘ideal’. I have come to realise that there is no ideal!
      God made you the way you are, and by hating on yourself, you are hating on Gods creation, in fact you are hating on the temple of the Holy Spirit! Please, don’t see this as a guilt trip, just something to think on and I really urge you to do some serious work on your self image and self talk!
      Philippians 4:8 says ‘Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.’
      Please try to remember that verse, and focus on the good things!

      Reply
  5. Anonymous

    Hello B,

    First time commenter here too. But some thoughts and perspective for you.

    I’m a 5-8 married guy. My wife is 6-0. With heels, easily 6-3 or 6-4. I think she is anything but awkward, and I thank God for bringing her into my life daily.

    We have two boys. One is already north of six feet and not yet in high school. His younger sibling has yet to hit five feet, and is constantly frustrated that he’s not as big as his big brother.

    The point? We tell each of the that we are all “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Ps 139:14).

    Outside appearances are temporal. I have way less hair than when I married my wife. And none of us can control our size. But God made each one of us in His own image. And He sent Jesus to us as His ultimate gift to us. Think about that! How much must He love you?

    No one can fix your situation on a message board. But God’s word and His truth an transform how you think about you.

    I wish you well in your journey.

    Reply
  6. sunny-dee

    I think we can all agree that B is way too hard on herself. (And yeah, there are a lot of reasons why women will say cruel and cutting things to another woman. Sometimes it’s honesty; most of the time, it’s just, ahem, cattiness.) I second the calls for counseling and for prayer, just to lift some of that burden off your soul, B. Also, hugs.

    That said … it is impossible to feel sexy or desirable when you have a refusing spouse. I am not talking about the one time your husband said no or the three month period where your husband wasn’t initiating as much. I am talking about the permanent and consistent no and there is never a “later” or “let’s do it for you” option. It’s just no. All the time. No matter what. If I ever ask for sex, it’s an immediate no. If I attempt to schedule sex, it’s either an immediate no or “forgotten” at the scheduled time. If I try to do something sexual (like wear lingerie), it is ignored or questioned or rejected.

    I can and do work on my self-image (this is important!), but that self-image will never be able to include “sexy” or “desirable” because I am not those things. If I try to do something to feel sexy, it’s delusional and the delusion ends as soon as my husband / reality appear.

    Maybe in other marriages, opening up that sexual side is a good thing, both personally and as a couple. I would venture to say that’s true in most marriages. But in my case … it’s fantasy. And fantasy has to stop at some point.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      I agree that not all of my posts are meant for every single wife. For instance, I’ve said that wearing lingerie can make you feel sexy, but if you’re a wife in a sexless marriage who longs for physical intimacy, donning lingerie and getting no response from your husband can wound your heart even more. Then, I believe that you have to seek affirmation about your appearance and value from God, yourself, and close family and friends…while working toward something better for your marriage. I wouldn’t say to give up, of course, but to focus on your self-confidence from a different angle. Praying for you and your marriage, sunny-dee.

      Reply
  7. A Heros Wife

    I like this post because it makes me think, but all of your posts do that! Haha!

    Anyway, I have several ideas that help me to feel sexy within my own skin, that hasn’t been mentioned yet.
    – putting on a pair of jeans that fits in all the right places (if you wear them while dancing even better!)
    – braiding or styling my hair differently. (esp true after getting a hair cut.) Braiding is easy and quick so I can still feel like I put intention into how I look in a day while being functional enough to be around three little boys all day.
    – putting on a different pair of earrings.
    – working out; moving seems to awaken my inner awareness of my body. It also destresses me and puts me a happier mood. Something about it all makes me feel sexier after; brings out my inner confidence and makes me look forward to showing myself off to my wonderful husband.

    Hope it gives you ladies more ideas!

    Reply

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