Tag Archives: married sex

Q&A with J: What Can I Do About My Sexless Marriage? Part 4

For a whole month, I’ve been tackling sexless marriages as the primary Q&A topic, not to mention a couple of other posts:

Q&A with J: “My Sexless Marriage Is Making Me Lose My Faith in God”
Is the Church Failing Sexless Marriages?
Q&A with J: What Can I Do About My Sexless Marriage? Part 1
Q&A with J: How Do I Write a Post that Helps Sexless Marriages?
A Prayer for Those in Sexless Marriages
Q&A with J: What Can I Do About My Sexless Marriage? Part 2
Q&A with J: What Can I Do About My Sexless Marriage? Part 3

Today, as promised, I’m providing some concrete steps of what to do to address the issue of sexlessness in your marriage. But I encourage to look back at the above posts to make sure you’re laying a foundation of trust and avoiding negative communication styles that could undermine your efforts.

Blog post title + couple in bed, turned away from each other

And let’s return to this gem: Love must underlie all your efforts. Without genuine love for your spouse, it’s all for nothing.

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing” (1 Corinthians 13:1-13).

If you do all the right things but your spouse feels manipulated, that won’t help your marriage.

If you do all the right things but your spouse feels manipulated, that won't help your marriage. Click To Tweet

Sure, your spouse might comply out of guilt or the seeming futility of arguing, but that short-term win will damage your relationship over the long-term. Not to mention that God isn’t impressed with a spouse getting more frequent sex merely to satisfy his or her selfishness; that’s just not the picture of sex in marriage our Creator paints. Rather, it’s one of shared, mutually satisfying intimacy.

Some of you are likely saying, “I don’t care how begrudging the sex is right now; I just need some sex.” Oh, how I ache for you! But I stand by the belief that it’s worth pursuing higher, long-term goals so that you and your spouse can have the physical blessings God wants you both to have.

So what can you do? Let’s talk about steps for addressing a sexless marriage.

Set reasonable goals.

According to the popular SMART acronym, goals should be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. Your goal, I presume, is specifically to have more sex which is measurable by a certain number of encounters per week or month. But the third and fourth criteria, which overlap, are tricky. Because what’s currently achievable and relevant probably isn’t what you ultimately want. It may be far less than you want.

However, if your wife’s issue is that she endured sexual assault in her past, she isn’t going to suddenly switch her emotions and start jumping your bones the moment you walk through the door. That’s not achievable. Nor is it reasonable to expect a mom of four little ones to clear her calendar for a long night of lovemaking twice a week when she’s exhausted and can barely stand the thought of being touched by any more hands. (Trust me, that’s a thing.) And the husband who stopped having sex because his libido tanked with his high-stress job and decreased testosterone with age won’t simply rediscover his mojo buried somewhere under the bedroom pillow.

So write out your ultimate objective, but then break it down into smaller steps. If you find out that you two can leapfrog a couple of steps, great. But by setting goals that are baby steps forward, achieving each one will show you’re making progress and encourage you both to continue. Here’s an example I put together:

ULTIMATE OBJECTIVE SHORT-TERM GOALS SMALLER STEPS

(covered later in post)

Have mutually pleasurable sex twice a week, in which orgasm occurs at least half the time Reboot our sex life with a sexual encounter in the next three months Start a conversation
Write down what issues my spouse brings up and consider how I can address (not argue) them
Show physical affection without any expectation of or overture for sex
Follow up with a second conversation one week later
Demonstrate through actions that I care about other forms of intimacy as well Plan a date with an activity my spouse enjoys
Line up babysitting, finances, and any other details required to make the date happen
Set aside fifteen minutes to talk with and listen to my spouse each day
Spend time in the Bible and in prayer aligning my desires with God’s plan for sex Identify relevant scriptures and read through one per day
Ask my spouse if they’re willing to pray with me and follow through if yes

You could break this into even smaller steps, but maybe this gives you an idea of how to approach such a task.

Start a conversation.

Notice I said start, not have. Few of us are convinced from a single discussion to change our minds, hearts, attitudes about any subject. So why do we keep thinking we can launch into one conversation with our spouse and achieve a major breakthrough? I’m betting 99.9% of you will need to have multiple talks about the lack of sexual intimacy in your marriage.

I’ve learned a lot about effective conversations from my parenting successes and failures. Those areas in which I’ve influenced my teens the most are ones where I opened up communication lines and slowly, albeit intentionally, got my message across. I didn’t push my opinion, but I did let them know where I stood. Then I asked what they thought, and I listened. When their perspectives seemed skewed, I calmly gave my two cents without expecting them to immediately see things my way. But when I’ve tried to control their conclusion in a single conversation? Yeah, that’s where I’ve fallen on my face. Most people don’t want to be told what to do, much less what to think.

Likewise, take an easy, multiple-conversation approach to your spouse with this sensitive subject. Start the conversation by letting them know that you want to be able to discuss issues freely and supportively in marriage, whether it’s finances or annoying habits or your sex lives. Don’t push much beyond that in your first go-round. Just get across that you intend to do whatever you can to provide a safe atmosphere for the two of you to work together to increase all forms of intimacy in your marriage.

Later you can follow-up with a “Have you thought about what I said?” and/or “Is there anything you wish I understood about your sexuality?” And yeah, listen and don’t expect a ten-second miracle. Miracles do happen, but oftentimes we forget how many steps the Israelites took to reach the Red Sea that God parted for them.

Invest in your friendship.

We’re far more likely to do things for people we like — including listen to their concerns, help them solve issues, and spend time together. But let’s face it: In some marriages, the spouses love each other, but they don’t much like each other. Is it any surprise then when sex doesn’t happen?

If you’ve neglected your emotional and recreational intimacy, it’s time to revive that part of your marriage. Do it because it’s a good and right thing to pursue, but you may well reap the benefit of better communication and progress with your sexual intimacy.

Think about what activities your spouse enjoys and make them happen. Show interest in their hobbies. Listen to their stories. Chuckle at that joke you’ve already heard eighty-seven times. Ask how you can help with their day. Engage in random acts of kindness, just because.

Again, don’t do it out of manipulation. Your spouse likely knows you well enough to sniff out ulterior motives like a hunting dog on a fox. This is when you’ll need to keep your own lines of communication open with the Heavenly Father, to stay on track with keeping a pure heart.

Woo your spouse like you did before.

Remember when you snagged that honey-bun of yours? All you did to capture their attention and adoration? Of course you can’t just pretend to be back on those falling-in-love days. In fact, half of your friends couldn’t stand how mushy you were back then, and it’s good that you’ve settled down into a more mature relationship with bills to pay, a home to maintain, and family to care for.

However, some of the ways in which we wooed each other could have hung around and benefited our marriage. I can’t say exactly what those things are because they vary from relationship to relationship. In my own marriage, we let dating fall by the wayside for too long after the kids came, and until a few years ago, we didn’t foster kissing nearly enough. Re-introducing such romantic connections helped us feel more connected and opened up more opportunities for sexual intimacy as well.

Ask yourself this question: What do I do regularly that makes my spouse feel special?

Not what do I do for my spouse, but what do I do that makes my particular spouse feel special. Some of you could write a page-long list of all the things you do for your spouse, but they don’t really speak love to your spouse. Figure out what actions make your spouse feel special and loved and then do them, regularly.

Set proper boundaries.

So far, you might be feeling like everything’s geared toward your spouse getting what they want and none toward you getting what you want. Well, here’s a rubber-meets-road statement: Your needs and desires matter just as much as theirs. Not more, mind you, but not less.

Some of you pursuing the steps I’ve laid out so far will get push-back that is simply unacceptable. It’s not okay for your spouse to call you a pervert because you want to have regular sex in your marriage. It’s not okay for your spouse to keep blaming you for past hurts you’ve apologized for and done everything to rectify. It’s not okay for your spouse to compare you to someone else who mistreated them. It’s not okay for your spouse to accuse you of egregious sins you haven’t committed. It’s not okay for your spouse to call you bad names.

Setting boundaries is the process by which you encourage the extinction of bad behavior. People tend to continue with bad behavior when it allows them to get what they want. Take away the payoff, and they’re less likely to repeat the behavior. However, where people get caught up in applying boundaries well is one of two areas:

  1. You stop before the process has sufficient time to work. It takes time for the other person to recognize that things won’t return to their former state. Most people are likely to push even harder before finally accepting that a new normal has been set and adjusting themselves accordingly.
  2. You start behaving badly yourself. Instead of setting a boundary, you launch a counterattack. Your message gets lost with the other person feeling like they have to defend or argue back. When using boundaries, you constantly need to check your emotions and remain calm.

What does a boundary look like? If your spouse calls you a pervert, it’s not: “I don’t have to put with that! I’m a completely normal husband who just wants to have sex with his wife.” Instead, it’s something like: “It hurts that you would call me a pervert when I just want to be intimate with my wife. I want to hear why you feel that way, but I reject that label.” And if your spouse continues on that trajectory, you end the conversation, calmly but firmly. “I really want to know why you feel like this so we can address it, but I just can’t stand here and let you call me names. We’ll have to talk later.” And then, you walk away.

But ack!I that means no progress happened, right? No, it doesn’t. It means you’ll need to take more time to establish communication guidelines to foster better conversations in the future. Remember — long-term view.

Offer to pursue outside help.

Let’s say your spouse is refusing because:

  1. They have an issue they own (e.g., prior molestation, health problems, a porn addiction) that makes it difficult to have sex; or
  2. Not feeling any real libido themselves, they see no point in pursuing sex in your marriage.

These scenarios cover the vast majority of sexless marriages. And both of them could benefit from outside help.

In the first case, you offer to move heaven and earth to help your spouse heal, emotionally and/or physically. You encourage your spouse not to give up on getting answers. You research the issue with them, making sure your sources are solid and biblical. You suggest a new doctor, a new treatment, a new support group, a new marriage counselor. You watch the kids while she goes to the support group. You have a garage sale to pay for his subscription to porn-blocking software. You make it clear that whatever outside help you (both) need, you’re all in. And you will not give up until you both experience the blessing of physical intimacy God intends for your marriage.

The second case is obviously harder. Because most such spouses just don’t understand how hurtful and isolating their refusal is. They don’t feel this need to have sex, and they can’t fathom why it’s such a big deal to you. It would be like someone trying to sell this South Texan a pair of snow tires. Why would I need that? Why would anybody need that?

You should still offer to get help — to speak with a counselor, a pastor, a mentor couple in your church. Tell your spouse you know this is an area of contention, but you’re willing to sit down with an external mediator and hear what they have to say. But here’s where you have to do your homework: Find out who will be sex and marriage positive. Don’t pick the first Christian counselor in the phone book, but ask around and see who’s got a good reputation for giving both spouses a fair shot in the counseling room. You don’t need someone just taking your side or just taking your spouse’s side, but rather someone who will listen to both of you and address the underlying issues so that you can find unity. Say to your pastor, “What do you think is going on with the sex lives of married people in our congregation?” and see how he responds. You can learn a lot that way.

Don’t try to stack the odds in your favor by speaking specifically about your situation and making sure that person’s on your side. Your spouse will likely learn about that and feel manipulated. (Because they were manipulated.)

Also, if your spouse thinks you need a help in some area, be willing to go get it for yourself. Indeed, some of you would benefit from saying to your spouse, “I want us to get marriage counseling, but if you don’t want to go, I’m going on my own. I need someone to talk to.” That alone will motivate some spouses to show up, if only to spout their side of the story. But if they don’t, you’ll still have someone to speak with who can help you get perspective and take active steps to help your marriage.

Call it quits?

That’s a question mark there, because it’s not what I advise, but something I get asked about often: Is it okay to leave my spouse if he/she refuses to have sex with me?

Is it okay to leave my spouse if he/she refuses to have sex with me? Click To Tweet

After a lot of thought on this one, I believe divorce likely is permitted when sexual refusal is deep-seated, persistent, and aggressive. But in such cases, they’re are usually many other problems in the marriage that make calling it quits an option.

But just because we can do something doesn’t mean we should do something. There could be good reasons to stay.

I’ve heard from several spouses who’ve said that as soon as the children are grown, they’re done with their spouse. Do you really think divorce won’t affect your adult children? My parents divorced when I was in my mid-twenties, and it still hurt. Moreover, the consequences of having two separate families where there had once been one continues. Look, my parents had good reasons to call it quits, but I just want you to understand that divorce isn’t an easy walk-away for anyone. Sometimes divorce is the best choice, the only choice, but sometimes we think it is when it isn’t. As difficult as it would be for you, it might be worth staying for the sake of your family and community as a whole.

Here’s another reason to stay: I’ve got several testimonies in my inbox from couples who rediscovered their sex life in later years and are so glad they didn’t throw in the towel. Sometimes a refusing spouse finally realizes the damage they’ve done and decides to turn things around. Or a libido awakens when the demands of parenting or a high-stress job fall away. You just don’t know how this is going to go, and shouldn’t you give everything of yourself to your marriage before walking away?

Stop being a jerk.

I added this last one, because I do hear from spouses (male and female) who are so harsh in the way they talk about their spouses that my initial reaction is, “Good gravy, who wants to sleep with that?” Frankly put, some of you aren’t getting laid because you’re acting like a jerk. So stop it.

Stop insulting your spouse publicly and privately. Stop looking only for people to agree that you’re getting a bum deal and be willing to seek real answers. Stop grousing about the unfairness of life, and deal with the hand you’ve been given. (Someone else who’s getting more sex has a different crappiness in their life. Trust me.) Stop being an unhappy person your spouse doesn’t want to be around. For more on this point, you might want to read Kevin A. Thompson’s excellent post, I Wouldn’t Sleep with You Either.

And this is now the longest post I’ve ever written. If you stayed with me this long, I pray you found something helpful. Believe me, I’m pulling for you.

Intimacy Revealed ad, click to buy book

5 (More) Christmas Gift Ideas for Your Husband

Now some of you are already done with Christmas shopping, you crazy people, but the rest of us are just now making our list or filling in the gaps. In the past, I’ve had lots of suggestions for Christmas gift ideas for hubbies!

10 Sexy Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband

10 Sexy, Manly Items for Your Hubby’s Christmas Stocking

10 Last-Minute Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband

Wrap It Up for Hubby: 10 Christmas Gifts for Your Marriage Bed

5 Fresh Christmas Gift Ideas for Your Husband

Not to mention my Valentine’s posts with gift ideas (here, here, and here). What else is there to suggest?

Well, here are five more Christmas gift ideas for your beloved, manly, sexy hubby! Remembering that I focus on bedroom kind of stuff. 😉

Click on any image below to find the link for that product. (All Amazon links are affiliate coded.)

1. Wet Wipes for Men.

You know what kills the mood? Body odor. And let’s face it, wives, sometimes your man stinks. (Sorry, guys. Talking truth here.) I’m not saying we wives never stink, but studies show that our female noses are more sensitive than male ones so we’re more likely to pick up on body odor, even when the issue is mild.

If your guy doesn’t time to do the whole shower thing, how about some manly wet wipes? I found a couple of brands.

Whice for Men.

Whice for men

Dude Shower Body Wipes.

DUDE Shower Body Wipes, On-The-Go Singles for Travel, Unscented, Naturally Soothing Aloe and Hypoallergenic (1 Pack, 10 Wipes per Pack)

2. Body groomer.

I’ve talked here about us wives “trimming the hedges,” and our Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast also covered the subject of hair removal down there with our episode on Tending Your Garden. But what about the guys? How about a little manscaping?

You don’t necessarily want him to use the same shaving equipment on his nether regions that he uses on his face. So I did a bit of research on what experts suggest for manly groin grooming, and here’s one great option for hubbies.

Phillips Norelco Bodygroom.

Philips Norelco Bodygroom Series 7100, BG2040

3. Double hammock.

Hammocks are very popular right now. My teenage sons and their cohorts love to hang out in hammocks at the local park. But you know what’s more fun? You and your honey-bunny snuggling up together.

All that close affection outside of the bedroom certainly helps stoke the fires of romance inside the bedroom. Plus, even if it leads to nothing at all … it’s cuddling with your hubby! Still good stuff. Here’s one example, but you can find a lot of choices at Amazon or your local sporting goods store.

Striped outdoor hammock with couple inside

4. Underwear.

A few years into our marriage, I piped up and gave my two cents about what kind of underwear I’d love to see my husband in. (No, I’m not giving you details.) Suffice it to say that he incorporated my opinion into what he now wears. But I also got the opportunity in that conversation to hear what was most important to him about underwear, and that was comfort.

Since then, I’m always on the lookout for men’s underwear that might be better or more comfortable. One particular brand was mentioned on the Art of Manliness podcast, and when I checked it out, I was impressed with its BallPark Pouch™ design that keeps everything down there tucked in just so, allowing for comfort and “breathability.” Check them out.

Saxx.

24-Seven Men's Boxer Brief – Heather

5. Ultimate Intimacy App.

When the creators of this app contacted me for support, I did what I always do: Took my time looking through the resource to make sure it’s something I can confidently recommend to my readers. Truth is, they did a really good job with this one.

Ultimate Intimacy App screenshot

The Ultimate Intimacy App is free, but go ahead and upgrade for $6.99 to get the restricted content. The core part of this app is a game you can play with sections on Romance, Foreplay, Heavy Foreplay, and Hot & Heavy. Don’t worry — there’s nothing extreme even in the Hot & Heavy section. And as I always say, if you don’t want to do something a game suggests, skip it. This should be a physical intimacy tool to use in ways that serve your marriage.

There’s also a section on Conversation Starters to increase emotional intimacy. And I must admit the creators have excellent taste in books when Hot, Holy & Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design is listed among their recommended Products. (No, I didn’t ask them to plug my book. They just chose it.) Moreover, they have a section on Positions with tasteful illustrations from Christian Friendly Sex Positions to inspire you.

And there you go — five more Christmas gift ideas for your husband and your marriage bed!

Remember as you deliver the gifts that a lot is in the presentation. For instance, add a note to the groomer about what oral delight you’ll be blessing him with once he trims with it. Or take a few screen shots of the Ultimate Intimacy game, print them out, and wrap up that paper along with instructions on how to download the app as a teaser.

Let your husband know that the gift isn’t just the item itself, but the way you’ll use that item together later to nurture your physical and emotional intimacy.

What ideas do you have to share? What are your sexy and satisfying Christmas gift ideas for hubby?

Your Own World Series…in the Marriage Bed

American English has a lot of slang — like referring to sexual acts in terms of sports terminology, like scoring, getting a touchdown, or the all those bases in baseball.

In keeping with that theme — and because I cannot stop thinking about the amazing American League victory by my home team, the Houston Astros — let’s talk a bit about your own world series … in the marriage bed.

Blog post title + heart-shaped baseball image

On Deck. In baseball, being “on deck” means you’re next in line to bat. Watch someone whose in the on-deck circle, and they’re not just standing there. They’re warming up!

Your sexual intimacy needs some warming up too. The quality time you spend together, the friendship you build, the nonsexual touches throughout the day, the compliments you pay one another, the acts of service you perform — all of these are good ideas in their own right, but they also lay the groundwork for a successful “at bat.”

At Bat. Once you step into the batter’s box, you’re conveying that you’re ready to go. Initiation requires intention. Too often in marriage, spouses are stepping in and out of that box, hesitant and seeking signals from their spouse to see if things are a go tonight or not.

While I’ve suggested many ways to initiate (40, in fact), whatever you do needs to be a clear message that you want to make love. By the way, that isn’t “I need sex” or “It’s been a while,” but more in the realm of “I really want to be physically intimate with you, my beloved.” Need ideas of how to woo your mate? Go read Song of Songs.

Strikeout. Not every single at bat yields a hit, nor does every single time you want to make love mean it’s the best time for your spouse and your marriage. But while a great batting average in Major League Baseball is above .300, meaning 3 hits for every 10 at-bats, your marriage batting average should be much higher.

It’s one thing to get rain checks, which is fine in marriage, and another thing to experience long-term refusal. In a healthy marriage, you might strike out sometimes, but you’ll be back at bat very soon.

In a healthy marriage, you might strike out sometimes, but you'll be back at bat very soon. Click To Tweet

First Base. Here’s an interesting statistic: about 65% of hits in the Major League are singles. Singles aren’t as exciting as doubles or triples or that much-sought-after home run, but they’re very important in putting points on the board. Unfortunately, once married, too many couples neglect first base and lose out on some of the great benefits that kissing, and the embracing that comes with it, provides.

Kissing stirs up our arousal, fires up the brain chemicals that make us feel more connected and excited around one another, and simply express love in a sweet and wonderful way. Song of Songs begins with, “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—for your love is more delightful than wine” (2:1). Maybe you as a couple should put a little more effort into hanging out at first base.

Second Base. Houston Astros player Craig Biggio hit 668 doubles in his 20-year career, making the doubles leader list three years. I remember it being a big deal around here when Biggio hit a double, because it was his “thang.” And now you’re asking yourself now if I’m just using this point to boast about my home team. No, not entirely. Second base is also the nickname for a man fondling a woman’s breasts. And for some husbands, that’s their “thang.”

Breasts can be a highly erogenous zone for both husband and wife. Wives, let him have access and describe or show how you like to be touched. (And hubbies, communicate your appreciation for this area of her body — which many women are self-conscious about — and listen to what feels good for her as well.)

Third Base. Third base is just one away from home plate, so it’s tempting to run past it to get to the Score! moment. But just ask the New York Yankees how that plan worked out for them in their ACLS championship series against the Astros:

MLB Tweet with photo of Houston Astros catcher tagging out the Yankees runner at home plate

Tagged out at home plate!

Maybe hanging out at third base is a good idea, at least until it’s the right time to head home.

Third base in sexual intimacy includes manual play for her, hand jobs for him, and oral sex for either. It involves even more intimate caressing, kissing, and pleasure. It’s the place where many wives achieve orgasm, and husbands can as well. A triple is nothing to take for granted, so make third base count in your marriage.

Home Plate. You’ve hit well, rounded the bases, and now you’ve got your eyes on the ultimate goal. Look, there’s nothing quite like crossing home plate. In baseball or in marriage.

Look, there's nothing quite like crossing home plate. In baseball or in marriage. Click To Tweet

PIV (penis-in-vagina) intercourse is the centerpiece of sexual intimacy in marriage. It’s the ultimate act of joining a husband’s body and a wife’s body in the physical representation of the one flesh God spoke about in Genesis 2:24 and Jesus reiterated in Mark 10:7-8. Many spouses report this connection is their favorite thing about sex — his feeling of being inside her, and her feeling of him being inside her. Score!

Grand Slam. A “grand slam” in baseball is when a batter hits a home run with three runners already on base. With that one hit, four players cross home plate. It’s the pinnacle of scoring in baseball. As Major League Baseball says, “Grand slams are incredibly rare.” In the season for which I found a statistic (2005), grand slams only accounted for 2.6% of home runs, and home runs were only 4.8% of batted balls in 2017 (which is actually a record). I know those are different years, but if you take 2.6% of 4.8% … well, that’s a really small number.

So what’s the “grand slam” in sexual intimacy? Scoring more than once. That could be sex more than once in the day, or multiple orgasms in the course of a single sexual encounter. Some couples experience these with regular frequency, but if your grand slams are rare, just enjoy the ones you have. You can certainly swing for the fences, but all of those other bases and experiences are delightful for your marriage.

By the way, when you do score, it’s customary to pat your teammate on the butt. That’s just good sportsmanship. 😉

And now I hope I’ve convinced you of two main points:

  • You should savor every experience in the game of loving sexual intimacy in your marriage.
  • You should root for the Houston Astros in the World Series.

same image as above, sized for Pinterest

Are You a High-Maintenance Lover?

In one of my favorite movies ever, When Harry Met Sally, this scene defined well the concept of being low or high maintenance:

Yet here’s the thing: I don’t think we’re all low or all high maintenance. It’s possible to be low maintenance in some areas and high in others.

For instance, in my marriage I am low-maintenance in the romance department. My husband doesn’t have to woo me a whole bunch and I’m proactive in letting him know what kind of romance I need.

Meanwhile, I’m more high-maintenance in the listening department. Because I talk a lot, and he has to be willing to hear me out while I ramble. (Poor guy.) I’m even a ranter at times, requiring him to dig through my blah-blah-blah to get to the point. (Again, poor guy.)

I could name his low-maintenance and high-maintenance areas, but since Spock won’t necessarily admit the latter one and I want my day with him to go well, I’ll refrain from posting that publicly on my blog.

But I’m sure you and your spouse could do the same exercise: naming your high-maintenance and low-maintenance areas for each other. How about if you tried that same thing about how you are in the marital bedroom?

Blog post title + couple in bed arguing

Because I’m just going to say it: Some of you are high-maintenance in the marriage bed. Really. High. Maintenance.

Some of you are high-maintenance in the marriage bed. Click To Tweet

And like Sally up there, you may not realize it. You may think you’re low maintenance but you’re high maintenance. You might even make the case: “Well, I just want it the way I want it.”

Except that, when it comes to sex, your spouse shouldn’t be like your personal waiter having to fill your complicated menu order.

Let’s take an honest look at how we approach sex in our marriage. How many hoops does your mate have to jump through to get your participation in the marriage bed? Here are some common high-maintenance requests:

  • You can’t make love until all of the day’s chores are done, the kids are fully asleep, and you’ve got your to-do list made for tomorrow.
  • The lights must be out, or the room at least in extremely low light, because heaven forbid your husband see you naked.
  • You don’t want to take extra time to get your spouse all the way to climax, because that takes too long.
  • You have a short window in which sex must happen, because the rest of the time you’re exhausted and not “in the mood.”
  • You want your spouse to perform a specific sexual act, and you’re resentful if you don’t get it.
  • You can’t have sex if there’s any chance whatsoever that your child might hear a peep of what you’re doing.

I bet others could add to my list of examples.

But what I’m talking about is getting so persnickety about how sex must unfold that it’s hard to know when would actually be a good time for you to relax and make love.

Now, if it isn’t good for you, I’m not saying to just do it anyway. God’s plan is for you to enjoy the sexual intimacy in your marriage as well. That’s one reason I wrote Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, to help you become more confident and excited in the bedroom, and I included a chapter on achieving orgasm — because your pleasure matters.

Hot, Holy & Humorous book ad

Available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble,  iBooks, Christian Book & Kobo

But the status of quo of “meet my demands or no sex” isn’t tenable for very long. It creates resentment for your spouse and keeps you from pursuing this blessing God longs for you to have.

Whatever the obstacle is — whatever unreasonable demand you’re making — take steps to address it. If you struggle with body image so that turning on the lights is a horrifying thought, check out my Feel Beautiful series or our Sex Chat for Christian Wives episode on Body Image. If you’re rarely, if ever, “in the mood,” check out Sheila Gregoire’s low libido course.

The answer isn’t to simply stay in high maintenance mode, but rather to work on sex in your marriage becoming more maintainable.

And if you’re married to a high-maintenance lover, it’s tempting to start catering to every little request just so you can “get some” already. But the better question is “how can I make this experience one s/he’ll want to repeat?”

Whether you’re the more demanding spouse or married to one, put some effort into transforming high-maintenance into high satisfaction. For both of you.

Same image as above, sized for Pinterest

Q&A with J: Resources for Spicing Things Up in the Marriage Bed

Let’s get right to our reader question today. Here it is:

Happily married 30 years. Both came into the marriage as virgins. Desiring to spice things up, but the purity of our past doesn’t help my husband. There is concern if he researches, he will come across websites that we’ll regret. Any direction you can send us?

Why, yes! Yes, I do have a direction to send you. Have you heard of this book?

Hot, Holy, and Humorous book cover

I wrote that book specifically to answer your question! How do you make the sex in your marriage bed more exciting, intimate, and loving?

How do you make the sex in your marriage bed more exciting, intimate, and loving? Click To Tweet

It has chapters like Considering Sexual Positions, Oral Sex, The Hands-On Experience, and Using Your Body Parts. I give specific, practical tips for romance, arousal, and orgasm.

And you know what? I just saw my latest royalty statement, and I know a bunch of you haven’t bought my book yet! I don’t mean to be pushy, but seriously, y’all, WHY NOT?!

I’m really proud of this book and how it has helped couples spice things up in their marriage bed. It covers a lot of ground in a short time and can help you and your spouse start some important conversations about what sexual intimacy should look like in your marriage.

Mind you, that won’t look the same in various healthy, holy marriages. You have to figure out your own sexual repertoire. But my book can help you do that.

And it’s $10 for the ebook, less than $13 for the paperback. Jeez, y ‘all spent that the last time you drove through the hamburger joint and upsized your fries. C’mon, buy this book for your marriage!

Okay, I’m off my soapbox for a moment and will share a few other resources … since you asked.

Christian Friendly Sex Positions provides both tasteful illustrations and thorough descriptions for you to try new positions and angles. This information is also available in a recently release app, Ultimate Intimacy, which I’m still checking out and will review later.

The Marriage Bed has quite a few articles with ideas for adding spice to your bedroom. You might notice that the Byerlys and I disagree on a few sexual activities, but that’s okay. We’re foundationally in sync, and good Christians can disagree about particulars. Their overall advice is excellent. And I love this article on orgasmic massage from Paul Byerly’s other website, The Generous Husband.

Awaken Love also has articles on spicing things up, as well as an online video class for women. I’ve reviewed her curriculum and found it to be solid.

If you’re looking for spicy stuff, i.e., marital aids, you can check out Married Spice, for which my podcast, Sex Chat for Christian Wives, is an affiliate. This company impressed me greatly when they responded directly to a concern I had about one of their products. It was clear that they desire to promote holy and healthy sex through their online store.

Other blogs I follow that give both general and specific advice for the marriage bed:

There are other blogs that cater more toward husbands, but my own blog feed is populated primarily with sites intended for wives.

Now I’m staring at my screen knowing I’ve forgotten some fabulous resource that I should have mentioned. If I remember more later, I’ll add them.

But in summary, BUY THIS BOOK, because I wrote it and it’s awesome, and then check out the sites above. Some of these sites will also link to other resources that could be worth checking out. That’s how I often find others as well — just the old-fashioned, can’t-beat-it word of mouth. Albeit that word is text on a trusted website.

And don’t discount one of the best ways to add spice to your marriage bed: talk and try. Discuss ideas you have, try them out, and see what you think. You might discover something truly awesome that way.