Tag Archives: married sex

5 Techniques to Knock Hubby’s Bedroom Socks Off

We can overemphasize the physicality and techniques of sex. But once you’ve built that emotional and spiritual connection in your marriage bed, why not discover some good moves that can bring intense pleasure to your husband?

For many wives, knowing more of what they’re doing in the bedroom empowers them to embrace their own sexuality, feel confident about themselves, and get aroused by the effect they have on their man.

So let’s talk about five ways to knock your hubby’s bedroom socks off!

5 Techniques to Knock Hubby's Bedroom Socks Off + graphic of green socks

Quick warning: Some of the following is pretty specific, so if you visualize as you read, please make sure it’s an image of your spouse in your mind. If you struggle with that, step away.

1. Undress yourself slowly.

How do you eat a drive-through hamburger versus a gourmet chocolate dessert? I suspect your partake of the latter more slowly, savoring every bite. Not that I’m opposed to hamburger days, but why not tease out the experience of undressing yourself as if you’re the gourmet dessert. (You totally are, you sexy wife, you!)

A little background music and low lighting can set the mood. Let your husband know that you’ll do the undressing, and he just gets to watch. Then take your time slipping off each item of clothing and tossing it onto the floor or over to him. For added excitement, a wife can touch herself as she goes, stroking her leg sensually as she removes her skirt, running her hands over her breasts as she removes her shirt, even stroking a finger over her pubic mound or lower as she removes her panties.

2. Give him real access.

Many wives feel uncomfortable spreading their legs really wide. But there’s something really arousing to a husband about his wife confidently, unabashedly opening up that area fully so he can have access to see, touch, and pleasure her.

There are a few ways you can give him real access to your vulva. Sit up in a bed or on a chair, tilt your hips forward, and bend your knees out wide. Or lie down, tilt your hips forward, and make a butterfly pose with your legs. Or spread out full-eagle on the bed, one leg to the east, one to the west. For added oomph, specifically invite your husband into your garden with words, a come-hither gesture, or stroking your own vulva a few times to ready the area for his attention.

3. Make it a “yes” night.

Want to know what turns you both on? It’s actually good if you just tell each other, rather than expecting you both to be mind-readers. But for a twist on that, limit what you say during a sexual encounter to the just the word “yes.”

That is, he can only direct you with a yes and should say yes when something feels good. If he wants, you can do the same. But make sure to vary your yeses, showing your enthusiasm for certain sensations. A whispered “yes” and a shouted “yes” strike a different chord with your lover, so use volume, pitch, and tone to communicate your excitement and enjoyment of sexual intimacy.

4. Stroke the underside.

I’ve written about this area before, but there’s a section between a man’s testicles and his anus that can be especially sensitive. It’s called the perineum, or colloquially you might hear the term “taint.” By stroking that underside, you are in contact with the base interior of your husband’s penis, as well as indirectly stimulating the prostate gland, which can be an erogenous zone for men.

Massage or press that perineum on its own or when giving him oral sex, or hook your arm around to stroke him while engaging in intercourse. Pressure against this area can feel really good and intensify his orgasm.

5. Take charge.

Most husbands love seeing their wives filled with enthusiasm for sex — they want their woman to really get into the experience. And nothing says, “I want this, I want you,” quite like taking charge of the movements of intercourse.

Straddle your husband, and then either squat to use your legs to pump up and down on him or sit and rock your hips back and forth. Add in a hip-circle now and then to mix things up and get a new sensation. You can also use a chair, asking him to sit first, then sit on top of him, straddle the chair, and go at your own rhythm until you, he, or both of you reach climax. (For more ideas on positions, Christian Friendly Sex Positions also has an entire section for Wife in Control.)

And for all kinds of ideas on amping up your pleasure and his, check out my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design.

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5 Tips for Choosing a Personal Lubricant

There’s a line in “Jungle Love” by the Steve Miller Band: “Everything’s better when wet.” Well, I don’t know about everything, but that’s certainly true for sex!

However, things don’t always get as lubricated down there as they need to for sexual activity to feel as good as it could. For instance, certain times of the month, perimenopause / menopause, and other issues can throw off the natural system of lubrication.

Thank goodness we have the ability to add personal lubricant to the mix in our marriage beds! And today I want to give five quick tips on choosing a personal lubricant for the sexual intimacy in your marriage.

Blog post title + water splash border

1. Figure out your goal.

If you asked me for a lube recommendation, I’d first ask why you want a personal lubricant. Because which one works best depends on the goal.

If your hormones are making lubrication difficult, I’d steer you toward a silicone lube rather than a water-based one, because water-based absorbs more quickly. If you’re looking to add a perk to oral sex, of course I’d say to get a flavored lube. If you’ve had issues with infections, I’d advise you to check ingredients and find an organic, all-natural option.

Thinking about why you want lubricant will help you decide which alternatives are best.

2. Pick a type of lube.

Once you know your goal, you can better choose a type. Types of personal lubricant include water-based, silicone-based, and oil-based. I break down each in this post: Q&A with J: A Guide to Using Personal Lubricant.

When deciding type, you’ll want to look at issues like these:

  • Water-based lube is easy to apply and clean up, but doesn’t last as long.
  • Silicone-based lasts longer and is especially good for sexual activity in water, but sticks longer and is harder to clean up.
  • Coconut oil is all-natural, but has a tendency to break down the latex in condoms.
  • Lubes that purport to warm or stimulate could be exciting or discomforting, depending on your skin.
  • Check ingredients carefully if you have allergies or sensitivities to certain substances.

Figure out the type of lube, and then you can start shopping.

3. Find a quality brand.

Like you, I don’t want to spend money on a product that costs $10 when the $5 one is just as good. That said, there’s a distinct difference between the budget lubricants and middle-to-higher priced brands. Look for a quality brand because:

  1. You’re only using a little bit each time, so even a small bottle lasts a while.
  2. You’ll end up using more with a budget brand anyway because it won’t do its job well and you’ll have to apply extra, and then you’re not actually saving money.
  3. Girlfriend, this is your va-jay-jay. Don’t you think you can spend as much on it as you would a restaurant meal?

Now, despite writing about sex as much as I do, I have not tried every brand of lubricant. (Unless they all send me samples, that would get expensive.) But of those I’ve tried, I consistently recommend Sliquid and Good Clean Love. I’ve also heard good things about Swiss Navy and Slippery Stuff. But do a little research, and you can figure out what’s worth trying.

4. Decide where to shop.

Part of what brand you buy depends on where you shop. Admittedly, if you go to Amazon, you’ll find nearly every option there. But if you head to your grocery store, you won’t find Sliquid but you might find Good Clean Love. Then again, you might rather purchase online so you don’t run into your child’s Sunday school teacher while standing in line with your tube of lube. Regardless, your actual choices will depend on where you buy.

Now I’m a fan of purchasing from Christian-based online retailers, because (1) they specifically carry products that promote the marriage bed, (2) they are picky about what they stock so what you find there is typically high quality, and (3) they affiliate with websites like mine so you can bless a ministry while you’re at it. Two options I endorse are:

Honoring Intimates sells lingerie, as well as lubricants and other intimacy aids.

Honoring Intimates Logo

Affiliate Link for Hot, Holy & Humorous

Marriage Spice carries a range of marital aids and intimacy products, including lube.

Marriage Spice Logo

Affiliate Link for Sex Chat for Christian Wives Podcast

5. Try different lubes.

If you use a lube and don’t love it, try something else. Or simply try something else to branch out and have options. For example, you might use coconut oil most of the time but keep one flavored lubricant around just for those times when oral is on the menu. Or you might prefer water-based but want a silicone-based lube on hand if you decide to go for shower sex.

Honestly, you probably won’t find your favorite personal lubricant on the first try. It may take trial-and-error. That said, I bet you and you spouse can think of plenty of ways to conduct this personal research!

Now go do something that requires you pull out some lube. You might find your weekend really is better when wet!

Where to Shop for Lingerie

Sometimes, I get questions on where to shop for lingerie. People express concerns like:

  1. Finding sensual yet comfortable options
  2. Having a variety of sizes to choose from
  3. Not being exposed to scantily dressed women in ads or examples
  4. Not financing other problematic products

Admittedly, while Victoria’s Secret makes a quality bra, you cannot walk into that store without seeing models dressed and posed in provocative ways. And then there was the time I walked into a franchise lingerie and sex toy store, which had some nice options mixed in with who wears this? stuff…but the room in the back filled with porn movies made me back out of that place faster than a Fast & Furious race.

So what are some other places you can shop? Here are some ideas.

Blog post title + vintage-looking lingerie on a hanger stand

Boutique stores.

Sometimes a local boutique store has great options, as well as sales personnel who specialize in helping you find something that will flatter your form. Living in the Houston area, I certainly know that a few such alternatives can be found here.

Given the size of these shops, they’re unlikely to offer a lot of options. However, the quality of what they sell tends to be higher, meaning that the lingerie will probably be more comfortable and durable. As well as pricier, as I’m sure you figured.

Department stores.

Your local department store isn’t likely to have super-revealing ads or posters, even in the lingerie section. And they will have a wider variety than boutique stores, both in styles and sizes. Cost will depend on what level of department store you go to, but you can likely find something in your price bracket.

Also, for those nervous about shopping for lingerie, it can be a little less awkward to walk into a big department store and then go into that section. That way, if your Sunday school teacher spots you, you can just say, “Oh, I’m here to get socks, but I just wandered over to this department.” Albeit, if you’re holding up a sheer negligee with a big grin on your face, he ain’t gonna believe you. #CaughtRedHanded

Discount stores.

Stores like Target and Walmart are not considered department stores, but rather discount stores. Yet they have lingerie sections. Personally, I like the convenience of shopping for groceries, office supplies, toiletries, and lingerie all in the same shopping trip!

Indeed, you might be surprised what you can find on the lingerie racks of a discount store. And again, you won’t find a lot of revealing images displayed. Plus, it’s a pretty safe bet that your purchase won’t break your pocketbook.

Online Christian Retailers.

In the last several years, Christian-owned online stores have cropped up to provide marital aids, intimacy resources, and attractive lingerie. One wonderful feature is they display lingerie items on mannequins, rather than live models. I like that — both because you can easily turn the screen to your husband and say, “What do you think of this one?” without giving him an eyeful of flesh and because it keeps you from comparing your body to the woman wearing the negligee.

I’ve looked at quite a few online stores, and I finally found one I’m excited to endorse: Honoring Intimates. Honoring Intimates has a nice array of options, a good spread of sizes, reasonable prices, and good customer attention. In fact, they actually remove the manufacturer tag and add their own tag with a Song of Solomon theme. Yes, I purchased from them and had an excellent experience all the way around. I encourage y’all to check them out for yourselves.

Affiliate Link

Honoring Intimates is also a great place to find something for that next bridal lingerie shower you attend. Not only would the recipient get a lovely item, they would have that reminder that God is a proponent of hot and holy sex in marriage.

And if you want to learn about how to shop for lingerie, I have a section on just that in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design. Check it out!

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Are You a Fan of Your Husband’s Man-Part?

I asked my husband for his permission to tell the following story from our marriage bed:

Neither of us is a big talker during lovemaking. Even so, I’ve been known to lose control of my tongue and blurt out something that may or may not be all that coherent. Anyway, several months ago, we were in the middle of a particularly passionate sexual encounter. As I approached climax, my brain shot a single focused thought to my mouth and it burst out of my mouth: “I love your penis!”

Oh yes, I did.

After we finished that part of our intimacy, my husband and I laughed heartily about what I’d said. I turned pink about my comment, feeling so embarrassed for saying such a thing. But although Spock was amused (if you’re new, Spock is what I call my husband), he was also rather complimented. I’d shown genuine, unfiltered appreciation for his manhood.

Blog post title + image of large foam hand saying "Fan"

Now I haven’t always been at the point in my marriage that I’d say such a thing while in the throes of passion. Perhaps you can’t imagine saying, or even thinking, something like that.

But it’s important to appreciate your husband’s penis — to be its biggest fan.

It's important to appreciate your husband's penis — to be its biggest fan. Click To Tweet

Before you run away and decide your time would be better spent searching Pinterest for yet another amazing cupcake recipe you’ll never actually make, give me a few more minutes to make my case. Because I was also hesitant to adore the soldier at first.

I didn’t go all Fan Girl and blurt out that above statement in year one of our marriage, or even year ten. It took a while for me to fully embrace the astounding creation that is The Penis. Why have I become a fan?

1. Familiarity

I’m well aware of the saying, “Familiarity breeds contempt.” But what a lot of hogwash! For anyone who’s ever had a favorite something — favorite blanket, favorite pair of jeans, favorite coffee cup — you know that hanging out with something you like doesn’t diminish how you feel about it. In fact, it makes your experience better.

My favorite pair of jeans doesn’t become my favorite pair of jeans until I’ve worn them several times over, the material has softened up a bit, and they’ve stretched out just right fit to my body. Likewise, hanging out more often with your husband’s penis means that you get used to its shape and size, its movements and responses, its function and beauty.

Take time to look at and touch his penis. Explore the area with your eyes and hands, becoming familiar with this body part that is “yours, mine, and ours.”

2. Physiology

As I learned more about how male anatomy and the penis work, my appreciation for God’s creation deepened. Male anatomy is designed in a rather remarkable way, so that the penis can become erect yet sufficiently flexible, the systems work together to produce sperm and semen, and the muscles and nerves produce both pleasure and ejaculation.

Learning more about how God created his body can have a positive and even awe-inducing effect. It can also help a wife know where and how to touch him, further increasing her appreciation as his man-part happily responds. This is when the classroom physiology becomes in-the-field experience. As anyone who’s taken biology knows, reading the textbook isn’t nearly as fun as experimenting in the lab.

But of course, it helps to have some head knowledge before you go encounter the, well, head up-close. To that end, this TED Talk was illuminating for me on how amazing God’s creation really is.

You can also learn more about penis size here: Penis Size – From a Wife’s Point of View.

3. Pleasure

You know why I like chocolate? Chocolate has been good to me. It’s provided many wonderful moments of pleasure, when my taste buds awakened and savored that rich delight. Likewise, a husband’s penis receives greater admiration when it provides his wife rich pleasure.

Becoming more assertive in saying and showing what you need can help you find greater pleasure in his penis. Use his penis to stroke your body where you like to be touched. Use ample lubrication, adding personal lubricant if you don’t have enough, so that his penis slicks against your skin. Ask for sexual positions that make penetration feel even better to you. Give a shot at finding more sensitive spots with his penis. Add direct clitoral stimulation to intercourse, so that the spasms of a clitoral orgasm still happen around his penis.

When you’ve experienced a lot of pleasure that involves Mr. Happy, you’ll be happy he’s there too. If he’s helped you “win” a lot, you’ll become a big fan.

And a message for the hubbies…

If your wife isn’t immediately your man-part’s biggest fan, please don’t take it personally. I know it’s very personal to you, but I’ve met many women through the years who didn’t know much of anything about male anatomy, excepting what they learned in biology class and pop culture references. And some women have encountered awful men who used the existence of that body part as an excuse for sexual harassment or even assault.

More often, we gals just aren’t all that familiar with the equipment in a way that makes us feel confident. And that takes some time and intentionality.

Help her feel free to explore at a slower pace than you might like, and show her where you like to be touched and how. Explain to her what it means to you for her to appreciate your penis, because it’s something a lot of women don’t fully understand.

And make sure you use your penis to provide her pleasure, not just you. Once you’re married, it really is a case of yours, mine, and ours. (And yes, I would say that to your wife about her body too.) Prioritize her pleasure so that she can appreciate all of you, the way you appreciate all of her.

Honestly, we should each be one another’s biggest body fans. But today, I’ve been focused on the ladies. So let’s do this, gals — let’s show our husbands that we are indeed his man-part’s biggest fan.

Be sure to listen to our recent Sex Chat for Christian Wives episode on male anatomy!

5 Questions to Ask about Your Sexual Intimacy

It’s Saturday, meaning I’m back with another high-five! That is, five somethings that I want to share with you about sexual intimacy in marriage.

Today I want us to ask some questions about our sex lives. These are hardly the only questions you could ask, but they are five important ones that might illuminate where you are, where you want to be, and how to get there. Let’s go for it!

Blog post title + sketch of silhouette man and woman kissing

1. What am I afraid of?

No, not the dark or the Big Bad Wolf or the very idea of a swallowing a spider in your sleep. I’m talking about what fears you have about sex.

Most of us have something that causes us to tense, worry, or even avoid some aspect of sex. For many, the fears are based in real experiences, such as sexual abuse or harassment, or even poor teaching about sexuality that made sex seem scary. We might have performance anxiety or body image issues. We might be worried that he’s thinking of porn or she’s unhappy with penis size.

But even though these fears change how we view the marriage bed, we don’t often delve into what they are, why we have these fears, and if they’re real. It might not be as bad as you think. For instance, that swallowing-spiders story? Sleep soundly — it’s an urban legend. Likewise, your fears could either spotlight areas to work on or be worries that you can safely let go of and choose a better reality instead.

2. What does my spouse really think about our sex life?

One of the biggest issues I see in marriages that struggle with sexual intimacy is one spouse thinks they know what the other feels and believes about sex … but they don’t. She thinks he just wants a physical release, but he wants emotional connection through sexual intimacy. He thinks she doesn’t ever want to have sex, but she does want sex if it could be more mutually satisfying….

I could give more examples, but the point is that at least some of your assumptions about your spouse are likely wrong. We tend to look at a situation and think, If I said or behaved like that, it would mean X. But it doesn’t mean X for your spouse, because they’re a different person.

Take a look at all of the messages your spouse has given you about your marriage bed. For instance, if you think he’d rather be with a prettier woman, but he’s asked to see you naked, wants to kiss and touch you, and says positive things about your body, that’s probably the truth about what he thinks. And be willing to ask your spouse, with an open mind and heart, what they think. You might find out something you didn’t know.

3. Would I want to make love with me?

A while back, Kevin A. Thompson, minister and blogger, wrote a post titled “I Wouldn’t Sleep With You Either.” It was addressed to husbands who wanted to have more sex, but there was good reason why the wife wasn’t obliging. If you want to read the post now, I’ll wait while you do that. (Whistles and taps fingers on desk…)

Okay, sometimes the reason your sex life isn’t going well is because the rest of you isn’t all that peachy. Yes, I know that’s a hard thing to hear. But ask yourself this question: If we switched places, and all I saw of my spouse is what he gets from me, would I want to make love with that person? Would that be an appealing prospect?

Sometimes the reason your sex life isn't going well is because the rest of you isn't all that peachy. Click To Tweet

This is why I often tell people who whine and complain about sex to Stop It Already. Even though there are issues that need to be addressed, who wants to bed someone who’s always throwing a conniption fit? By being a prickly person to be around, you could be making things worse. But if you love your spouse like a walking 1 Corinthians 13:4-6 (“Love is patient, love is kind, etc.”), that’s really attractive. And then if/when you work out the other issues, you’re rather bed-able.

4. What’s the number one area you need to nurture?

One of the three points above may have hit on an area you need to work on. But oftentimes, the marriage bed has several areas where improvement could be made. Whether you’re in the sexual doldrums or riding high, you can always find something to nurture.

But rather than taking a scatter-shot approach, focus on a single target at a time. What’s the number one area you need to nurture? If you can identify it, then you can tackle that next step and see some progress in your sexual intimacy. Step by step, target by target, you can build greater intimacy in your marriage bed.

Now your number one area might not — or probably won’t — be your spouse’s number one area. And that’s okay. Work on your stuff, and be willing to cooperate with your spouse’s. But know that you don’t have to work everything out all in a day. That’s part of the beauty of God’s design for sex in a covenant marriage — you have a lifetime to learn and improve and experience the intimacy He longs for you to have.

5. What’s the next step I need to take?

This question may sound like a repeat, but it’s not. Knowing what area you need to nurture isn’t the same as identifying the specific action you’ll take. It’s the difference between saying, “I’m going to exercise more,” and “I’m going to take Zumba classes three times a week, starting tomorrow.” And then paying for the classes. Goals are great, but they don’t mean much unless and until you list specific actions you’ll take to reach them.

Goals are great, but they don't mean much unless and until you list specific actions you'll take to reach them. #marriage #Christiansex Click To Tweet

So what action should you take? Well, it depends on your goal. If you want to address physical discomfort during lovemaking, you make an appointment with your doctor or a sexual health specialist. If you’ve experienced a lot of conflict surrounding the topic of sex in your marriage, it could be time to meet with a counselor, together or on your own. If you’re struggling with a porn habit, you install filtering software and/or join a porn recovery group. If you just want to add some spice to your sexual repertoire, you buy my book with a lot of suggestions for that!

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Whatever you decide to focus on, identify the next step to take. And then take it.

Now what questions do you think couples should ask about their sexual intimacy?