Tag Archives: sexuality in marriage

How Is Sex Like Rock-N-Roll?

I wasn’t around the birth of rock-n-roll, but I heard plenty about it from my parents who lived through the days of Elvis, the Everly Brothers, Jerry Lee Lewis, Little Richard, and more. When this new sound and its artists leapt from the starting gate, there were plenty of cheers, but a lot of people booed — a lot of Christians in particular.

Of course, things have changed a lot in years since, but I got to thinking about the similarities between our views of sex and rock-n-roll. Whether you’re a rock fan or not, hear me out and see if you don’t agree that sex is like rock-n-roll.

Woman playing electric guitar + blog post title

Music is a gift. Whatever people thought about rock-n-roll when it came out, at its core, it’s simply another form of music. And music itself is a gift from God. There’s nothing problematic or heinous about the notes and their arrangement, the instruments used, the music on the page.

Likewise, sex is a gift from God — with absolutely nothing wrong with its core expression.

Rock-n-roll is the music, not the abuses. Why did rock-n-roll get slammed so hard by so many Christians? (And still does at times.) Because the music itself got paired with abuses. Vulgar lyrics, recreational drug use, sexual misbehavior, etc. formed a “sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll” culture. And it’s still true that plenty of rock music is stuff you don’t want your 4 year old singing along to — or perhaps even your 24 year old. So in a reaction to horrendous associated behaviors, some denounced the whole thing, even with suggestions that rock-n-roll was “the music of the devil.”

Likewise, in our history, some Christians have treated sexuality and its sensual pleasures as a bad thing altogether because of abuses attached to it. They see the vulgarity, the selfishness, the misbehavior and conclude that not much good comes from sexuality. It doesn’t even have to be an overt declaration that sex is “the act of the devil.” Oh, no! It’s often far more subtle — simply communicated that sex is just a dangerous act that can’t really, truly be a good thing for us. We wives have often sensed this as the “good girl’s don’t” syndrome that surrounds sexuality itself with a cloud of constant disapproval, even beyond the nuptials.

Rock-n-roll has been adopted by Christians. Within the first couple of decades of rock-n-roll taking hold, there were Christians performing Jesus-themed rock music. But it didn’t really take hold until bands like Petra, dc Talk, and others crashed into the scene and showed that rock music could be used to honor God. Christian rock artists recognized it wasn’t the music that was the problem; it was all the extraneous abuses that clung to the rock-n-roll scene like barnacles to a passing ship.

Have you noticed this happening with sex? I sure have. Christian marriage advocates, authors and bloggers, speakers and brave pastors have tried to reclaim the core of sexuality and show how it can be incredibly God-honoring. Placed in the right context, practiced the way God intended, and freed from abuses, sex is an amazing, heart-thumping experience that honors God.

Some think Christian rock is an oxymoron. It’s true. Plenty of secular rockers laugh at the notion of Christians rockin’ out and believe Christians are experiencing a watered-down version of true rock-n-roll — with its rebelliousness and envelope-pushing and hard-core ribaldry.

I also encounter this with sexuality. People in the larger world often believe we Christians are fooling ourselves to think we’re experiencing the best of sex. How could we, they presume, when we aren’t embracing total “sexual freedom,” rampant erotic text and images (aka pornography), and kinky and kinkier sex? Aren’t we just getting a watered-down version of what sex has to offer?

Of course, I give a resounding NO to that one. Rock-n-roll without the abuses can be wonderful music and a treat for those who listen, including our God. And sex without the abuses is pure and beautiful and exciting. When you don’t get caught up in profane craziness surrounding rock music or sexuality, you’re left with the truest form of all — the music or sex itself.

Whatever your musical tastes, sex is kind of like rock-n-roll: It can be experienced as beautiful music, or weighed down by rebellion and abuse. How you decide to play that tune is up to you.

What’s the Aim of His Sex Drive?

I can still conjure up memories of when I was a single woman and a man would look me up and down in a flash and then give some presumably-sexy line. Frankly, I hated that.

Most women I know have those memories and that same visceral ick reaction. We felt like slabs of meat at the butcher’s window, there to be look at, salivated over, and eaten up. We might as well have been staring into the mouth of the Big Bad Wolf.

Soooo . . . then we get married. And while being looked at with desire and hearing a hey-baby-you-wanna line from our husband should be a wonderful thing, maybe at times we hearken back to the Wolf and experience an uneasy feeling that maybe we aren’t being appreciated quite as much as we’d like.Dart hitting sketched target

I believe the ultimate issue is what is the aim of his sex drive? Let’s face it, ladies, a lot of those guys pre-marriage wanted sex. Just sex. And we were a means to an end. Sure, we might have been preferable to another and valued in some respect for what we uniquely offered. But we felt that underlying message that it was really about the sex, that we were the method through which he got what he wanted.

But most husbands I hear from (though, admittedly, not all) see it in the opposite way. Whereas the jerk who sleeps around is looking for women to satisfy his aim of experiencing sex, a committed husband is looking for sex to satisfy his aim of experiencing his wife.

That husband’s aim isn’t just the sex. In fact, as I’ve said many times before, if it was merely about the sexual climax, he could get that elsewhere or on his own. Instead, I hear from husbands who yearn deeply for sex in their marriage because in that moment they feel closest to their wives. The sex is the method, the aim is intimacy with your spouse.

So do we believe it?

Because I also hear from wives who equate their husband’s flirtations, touches, advances, and sexual expressions with what they experienced from Jerk Guy at the bar when they were twenty years younger. But is that fair? Have we allowed that bad experience to mistakenly color our interpretation of what’s happening with hubby?

I don’t know about you, but never in a million years would I have married Creepy Guy Scanning My Body Like I’m Meat, but I did marry my husband. He was one of the good guys. He fell in love with me, not just my body or what I could offer him. So why put him in the category with Creepy Guy now?

Maybe we wives need to ask what’s the aim of our husband’s sex drive? Is it only about the sex? Or do we believe it’s more — that he really, truly wants to be united with his wife?

And if it’s the latter, let that loving man check out your you’ve-still-got-it beauty. Go ahead and let him be enthralled (Psalm 45:11). Engage playfully and sexually. Trust that his aim is not the sex, it’s you. He desires you. And sex is one of his ways of experiencing that.

Do you struggle with bad memories that affect your interpretation of your husband’s advances now? How is your husband’s sex drive truly aimed at you and not just the sex?

Hearing from the Hubbies Wrap-Up…and a Tease

Male stick figure

THANKS, GUYS!
from AIGA [public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

I am so thankful for the men who have written on Hot, Holy & Humorous with what they wished women knew about sexuality. In case you missed any of the guest posts, here’s the full list:

Sexual Desire Differences: What If There’s Nothing Going Wrong? from Corey Allen of Simple Marriage

A Wife’s Insecurities, a Husband’s Response from Justin of Do Not Disturb

Sexual Appetite by the Kentucky Colonel of A Grown Up Marriage

Wives: What Is Your Husband Thinking during Sex? from Gerad Harris of mission:husband

Ten Lies Wives Believe about Sex (and Ten Truths Husbands Want You to Know) from Scott Means of Journey to Surrender

The Beauty of a Woman by Greg Donner

You Would If You Loved Me! from Paul Byerly of The Generous Husband

Quantity vs. Quality: What Do Hubbies Want? from Jay Dee of Sex Within Marriage

What stood out to me about the posts as a whole are that husbands don’t see sex as merely a physical release assisted by their wives. Unfortunately, that’s the picture drawn by many in our culture. The assumption is that since most men crave sex, they are focused on the act itself. Instead, these guest bloggers demonstrate that men crave connection, and that God created them to desire it in the physical context of sex. That isn’t all they want, but in most husbands’ eyes, it’s a big part of what makes them feel intimate with their wives.

I love the conclusion of the book For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhan. Ms. Feldhan surveyed husbands and asked what they wanted their wives to know. The number one answer? “Men want their wives to know how much they love them.” Husbands aren’t always able to express it the way they want to, but most men I hear from desire their wives so very much . . . because they love their wives so very much.

I hope you’ll share in the comments what post stood out to you and why. What did you learn while it was “raining men” on Hot, Holy & Humorous?

And now for the TEASE! I am giddy with delight! The husbands (and one single guy) above have willingly blogged on what they wish women knew about sexuality. Since this was the time for hubbies to speak up, I asked my own husband to add his two cents to the conversation. Convincing him may have involved some cajoling and promises of nudity, but he finally agreed.

So come back next week when “Spock” will speak.

Ten Lies Wives Believe about Sex (And Ten Truths Husbands Want You To Know)

Scott & wife Jenni

Scott & wife Jenni

I have another favorite husband blogger today. (Have you noticed I have several favorites?) Scott Means of Journey to Surrender joins us today to talk about some of the faulty thinking we wives have regarding sex. I have been guilty of a few of these lies myself.

My sincere thanks to Scott for being a guest on Hot, Holy & Humorous.

First of all, thanks to J for inviting me to take part in the series giving the husband’s point of view on sex.

I often say about marriage (and about life) that what you believe is almost more important that what you do. Or put another way, right thinking leads to right doing. When you get your head screwed on straight, your actions will eventually follow.

This is more true of sex than any other area of marriage, because it’s the place we are most deceived, misinformed, and just plain messed up. It’s often said that the brain is the biggest sex organ we have, and I agree. So then, it’s hugely important that we get our minds to line up with the truth about sex.

Through my experience as a husband of 30+ years, a marriage blogger and writer, and marriage small group leader, I’ve got composed a short list of ten lies that wives seem to commonly believe about sex. I’ve coupled these with the corresponding truths that your husband would have you believe instead.

1.  The lie: I’d be a lot more willing to have sex if I could just lose a couple of pounds. Your husband’s truth: I love your body and am strongly attracted to you just like you are, imperfections and all. You would feel more beautiful if you would let me show you physically how I feel about you.

2.  The lie: If my husband really loved me, he would be satisfied with the way things are in bed. Your husband’s truth: I desire a more varied sexual repertoire because I want more of you, not because I want you to change. It’s all about experiencing deeper intimacy.

3.  The lie: For my husband sex is just about the physical release. I’m basically just scratching his itch.  Your husband’s truth: I want and need to be close to you. For me sex is a primary way to experience closeness.

4.  The lie: Sex is not big deal for me. I can take it or leave it. Your husband’s truth:  Sex IS a big deal. Yes, it’s important to me, but it’s also important for US. We can only reach the deepest level of intimacy in our marriage if our sex is healthy and vibrant.

5.  The lie: If I tell my husband what I want in bed, I’m being selfish. Your husband’s truth: It is as important to me to take care of your sexual needs as it is to see that my own are met. I want to be your hero in bed too.

6.  The lie: I’m just not a very sexual being. Your husband’s truth: God made us all sexual beings. Sure your sexuality and sexual needs are different than mine, but it’s important to me that you make effort to keep yourself sexually awake, in whatever form that takes for you.

7.  The lie: Wearing alluring or sexy lingerie for my husband makes me a sex object. He should like me in whatever I wear. Your husband’s truth: I’m wired to be very visually oriented. I like seeing you adorn that beautiful body of yours in ways that affirm my visual nature. It tells me that what I like matters to you.

8.  The lie: I want romance but all he wants is sex. Your husband’s truth: I don’t separate sex and romance the way you do. To me sex is a romantic act — not the only way to have romance, but definitely part of it for me.

9.  The lie: If I’m affectionate with him, it’s going to make him want sex, so it’s better for me to just keep my distance. Your husband’s truth: Yes, it’s true that kissing and touching and other displays of affection will make me want you more. However, given the choice of affection and no sex or no affection and no sex, I’ll pick the former.

10.  The lie: I don’t have the energy for a wild night, so it’s better just to skip it than risk disappointing my husband. Your husbands’ truth: We don’t need to swing from the chandeliers every time. Quickies can be great too. Wild sex is fun and exciting, but mild sex is better than no sex, as long as I know you are into it — and into me.

Scott Means blogs at Journey to Surrender, where he loves to speak about God’s heart for intimate and passionate marriages. He boldly explains why Christian couples have the inside track on great marriages. They know the One who designed it and have been given a perfect living example of the greatest marriage of all, the one between Christ and the church.

It’s Raining Men on My Blog

Umbrella

Photo from Microsoft Word Clip Art

Okay, it’s not actually raining men. Sorry for all of you single women who came over here expecting to throw out your arms and catch a cutie.

However, I will be having some handsome and holy husbands visiting Hot, Holy & Humorous. Next week will begin a series of guest posts from other marriage bloggers with the XY chromosome combination.

I have spent many years trying to understand men. I have studied them like Dian Fossey in the wild with gorillas, figuring out how they think, what they want, and why they spit and adjust things down there so often. As much as I have learned about them, I am not a gorilla man. Whenever I think that I know what men think, I check myself. I do a little research and ask some guys, particularly my beleaguered husband. (Thanks & love you, Honey!) Even though we wives may not ever entirely understand men, it’s a worthwhile endeavor to try.

In fact, it’s important to consider throughout marriage that your spouse does not think exactly like you — and some of that difference is due to gender. We would do well in marriage to try to see things from the other’s perspective. Indeed, I have often wished that my husband and I could switch brains just once during sex so that he could know what I experience and I could know what he experiences. Wouldn’t that be awesome to see things just once through your spouse’s eyes — whether it’s sex or stress or laughter? We would understand their needs and desires so much more.

Now I know that some men will say that their needs and desires are simple: Food and sex. That’s pretty much it. Throw in a hobby (football, hunting, theater, building stuff, etc.), and life is really good.

But I believe that men are a little more complicated than that. For instance, they don’t just want food. Just try serving your guy a tofu and spinach salad, and see what he says. He wants good food. And they don’t just want sex. Just try lying there next time and reading a magazine while he’s at it. Not happening, gals. He wants emotionally-connecting sex.

I will be giving the hubbies a chance to give us a peek into the sexual aspect in the maze of the male brain. I posed this question to several male marriage bloggers: What would husbands like wives to know about sexuality in marriage?

I’m happy to say that I have seven men lined up to give us the male point of view (with hopes to add a couple of others). These are men I trust to give it to us straight and share wisdom about God’s plan for marital intimacy. They will be joining us for the next several Mondays.

I hope you’ll come read what these men have to say and that it blesses you in your marriage. So grab your umbrella and your galoshes because the skies will soon be opening. It will be raining men on Hot, Holy & Humorous!