All too often, spouses begin with the mindset of why should we have sex tonight? Maybe their drive isn’t naturally high, there are so many things on the to-do list, fatigue is setting in, or a myriad of other reasons. They want to hear a good argument for why they should expend the extra effort and energy to engage sexually with their mate.
What if you flipped that mindset entirely? What if instead of asking why, you asked why not? Even better, why not tonight?
What if your default position was yes? Would it change your frequency, your willingness, your participation? If your spouse knew that when he/she requested sex, your natural tendency was to beam a big smile and happily exclaim, “Sure. Why not?!”
A lot of marriages are facing tough problems, including low desire on the part of one spouse. (See Monday’s post, for example.) Given any particular scenario, we could break down the issues involved and make specific suggestions for that couple. But for many marriages, much of the hoopla would fade into the background if one or both spouses took the stance that why not is a far better answer than why.
Unless you’ve got some truly major obstacle to engaging in sexual intimacy, you could simply make the decision to give it a shot.
♦ If you’re not in the mood, go ahead and tell him. But then say, “Why not?” and ask him to take a little extra time to turn you on and get you in the mood.
♦ If you’re especially tired, go ahead and admit your fatigue. But then say, “Why not?” and let her know you need her to take the lead when it comes to energy.
♦ If your to-do list is extra long, go ahead and mention your stress level. But then say, “Why not?” and ask him to help to accomplish items on the list or just put off what you can until tomorrow.
♦ If you’re worried about the kids hearing, go ahead and express your concern. But then say, “Why not?” and go for it, knowing that your kids accidentally overhearing won’t destroy their psyches forever. (I promise.)
Truth be told, there are a million and one other things you could be doing for the next fifteen minutes to an hour, but most of them won’t nurture your marital relationship like regular sexual intimacy can. And too many nights of why, why, why and not enough nights of why not? lead to a set point of sexual intimacy not happening nearly enough.
Mind you, even if it’s enough for you, it may not be enough for your spouse. And their longings and feelings matter. At least you certainly thought so when you vowed to love and cherish them for a lifetime.
Make the decision ahead of time that when your spouse initiates tonight, or tomorrow night, or the next night, you won’t expect him or her to prove unequivocally that sex is a good idea. Rather, you’ll ask the better question: Hey, why not tonight?!
♦ ♦ ♦
If you didn’t celebrate my 500th post with me, be sure to head over to that post to get your free downloadable and watch a video interview with me and my husband (aka “Spock”). The randomly chosen winner of the five-book giveaway I announced there is . . . drumroll, please . . . Danielle. Her comment was:
I found your site a little before I got married earlier this year and have been very grateful for the helpful things you’ve posted and continue to post! Keep on truckin, gurrrl! ?
Congratulations on your recent nuptials and the book giveaway!
And thanks for all of my readers’ amazing support of Hot, Holy & Humorous. I can’t wait to celebrate my 1000th post in the future!
10 thoughts on “Sex with Your Spouse: Why Not Tonight?”
you just made my day. quite insightful.
As you’ve likely realized from my comments my marriage bed is far from perfect, but there is stuff going on that is a great positive. One is that we don’t ask why tonight. Our default is yes.
It is very freeing for spouses of all drives to leave the door to sex open….better yet, pull that door right off its hinges!! It leaves no room for rejection. It makes having sex and not having sex tonight ok because there is always an assured later. It makes quickies and just for me sex ok because the other spouse knows they can “go for it for themselves” later when they are ready.
No matter what your drive is, you can be sex positive in marriage. Accepting sexual negativity from refusal and gatekeeping, to selfish one sided sex and porn is WRONG! I don’t care if you are borderline sex addict or are borderline asexual. You can and should be Sex positive in marriage
My husband was married before and had a gatekeeping wife. Nevertheless they were happily married until she sadly passed away. Before we married we often talked about our sexual expectations. It was then that I purposed in my heart to never say no to him. I wanted him to feel loved and like his needs are equally as important as mine. Knowing that a yes is always on the other side of the ask has made us both much less inhibited in our sexual relationship.
Whoa! I won! *insert Price is Right crazy person running down the aisle*
I’ll be watching for…an email, I guess?
Yes! I’d planned to email you yesterday, but then my hubby wanted to do something and… Anyway, congrats! I’ll contact you soon.
No prob, bob! Just wanted to make sure it hadn’t sneaked past me in the Spam folder or something!
I love the idea of setting a new default! Fabulous!!
Why not, indeed.
But then she has a list of why not as long as I am tall.
What if you agree but since you said you weren’t really interested your spouse says well i you don’t desire me than I don’t want you to agree to it. The fact is I have no drive, no desire, but sometimes say yes to please my husband and he says that’s not good enough. I HAVE to want it and him to make him happy.
What if your spouse says it’s not enough for you to agree to it…you HAVE to desire it and him. I have no sex drive so it’s a chore for me to engage but I try and then he says it’s not enough.
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