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Q&A with J: Should I Skype Sex with My Husband?

When I first read the following question, I thought surely I’d answered it before. But while I could find a post about sexting your spouse, I couldn’t find one specifically about having “Skype sex.” So I’m tackling it today.

My husband works away from home (over seas) for up to six months at a time. Obviously, this means that we are unable to be intimate during the time that he is away (fireworks when he’s home). We have started to use skype for “skype sex”. I’m not terribly comfortable with it because I’ve been told so many times that masturbation is wrong. However, I also know that it is time spent with my husband, keeping our marriage strong. It doesnt involve anyone else and were doing it together.

I guess what I am asking is, should there be shame here? I’m so torn.

Q&A with J- Should I Skype Sex with My Husband- woman on bed with tablet

I’ve written about masturbation before, and I won’t be able to do as thorough a treatment of that topic here. So let me first point out those posts that deal specifically with masturbation:

Two Wives & Candid Conversation about Masturbation

More Candid Conversation about Masturbation

Masturbation: Hands On or Hands Off?

Q&A with J: “Is It Okay for Him to Please Himself While Thinking of Me?”

Summarizing what I’ve said before, masturbation is not biblically wrong, it’s fine in the marriage when mutual engagement is part of the sex act, and masturbation should not take sexual energy away from your spouse.

Of course, excessive masturbation or touching yourself while looking at or picturing others are problems. If that’s happening in a marriage, it needs to stop.

It is indeed quicker and easier for most people to reach orgasm using their own hands, because we have a feedback loop for what feels good and can immediately adjust. If you get overly used to that form of sexual satisfaction, it can be difficult to be patient and adaptable in the presence of your beloved to make things happen. Because it takes more communication and connection to have your husband bring you to climax, or vice versa. However, it’s ultimately more fulfilling.

What you’re describing, though, isn’t solo masturbation. It’s mutual. You’re engaging together as much as possible, while at different ends of the Earth. If you were in the same room, you’d be jumping each other’s bones and setting off those fireworks. But time and distance are preventing that from happening.

To my mind, here are the choices:

  • You shut down sexually for six months. Now, I’ve actually heard of military husbands who prefer not to stoke their sexuality at all while away from their wives, because they feel it’s even harder to be reminded of what they are missing. But that’s not most spouses I hear from. And it requires a great deal of willpower.
  • You feel all those sexual urges and do zip about them. This is difficult, but it can be done. For those in this scenario, my post for singles about what to do with sexual desire that can’t be satisfied might be helpful.
  • You take of your own business. This is the solo masturbation option, where you let your sexual desires build and build until you finally release the tension. You might flirt, sext, imagine, and express your sexual love, but you don’t act on it together. You take care of that buildup separately.
  • You engage in mutual masturbation. Which is the course your husband clearly wants to take, and that you’ve agreed to at times. It’s a way to be as sexual with one another as you can, while still many miles away from one another.

I don’t believe any of these choices is expressly wrong. Rather, they each could cause you to grow closer or to grow further apart, depending on who you each are and your relationship. And that’s the measure.

You state yourself: “However, I also know that it is time spent with my husband, keeping our marriage strong. It doesnt involve anyone else and were doing it together.

It sounds like you know the answer then. Engaging in this activity, as awkward as it might seem at first or to some, seems to be strengthening your marriage.

So why do you feel shame?

  • Because there is a prevalent view that masturbation is always wrong. Which I address in the above posts. I think you can relax on that one and make your test for this activity the principles of Galatians 5:22-23 (the Fruit of the Spirit) and 1 Corinthians 13:4-6 (the Love Chapter).
  • Because it’s awkward to touch yourself. If touching yourself hasn’t been a part of your sexual encounters while together, it can feel really odd to do it here. It’s a bit self-indulgent, and your hand certainly feels different from his. The truth is the only way to get over this is to get through it. That is, do almost anything more times and you’ll get more comfortable with it. It won’t ever feel like his hand, but if he feels a part of the experience, you’re not just selfishly getting yourself off.
  • Because you’re in front of a camera. I’m well-aware that some women get paid to do this on the internet, and that’s clearly wrong. So you might feel this weird sense that maybe you’re like those gals, feeding a voyeuristic turn-on for the guy on the other end of the phone call. But this is your husband, and you’re engaging in sexual activity entirely within the confines of marriage. Would it be wrong if that camera was a window? It’s the same principle, so maybe think of it that way.
  • Because it’s going over the phone lines. Or internet lines. Or however all that technology works. And this is where I get the most concerned. Probably because I still don’t entirely understand how my light bulb turns on, much less all the ins and outs of Skyping. Is there any possibility that someone else could tap in or that any of that imagery gets saved somewhere in the vast world of internet data? I felt like I should research this, but then I decided that instead of spending hours running down rabbit trails to figure all that out … I’d ask my tech-savvy readers. I know you’re out there. Will you please either warn us or explain why there is no cause for worry? I expect to see you in the comments. Thank you.

One final thought: If you don’t want to have Skype sex with your husband, you don’t have to. While everything I’ve said (with the exception of the technology question, which someone else will answer) show that I don’t consider this a problem, it still isn’t something a spouse should demand in a long-distance season of marriage.

It’s legitimately okay to say you feel so extremely uncomfortable that you need to find another way to deal with your sexual desires. Because it isn’t straight-out sex, so I don’t think you’re depriving your husband if you don’t engage (see 1 Corinthians 7:3-5). It’s the physical separation itself that’s causing the absence of sex.

But given your situation — six months apart! — you might want to give long-distance sexting or Skype sex a shot. It might help you both hang on until you can be back in one another’s arms and in your literal marriage bed.

22 thoughts on “Q&A with J: Should I Skype Sex with My Husband?”

  1. I’d be gone for weeks talked my wife into doing it she was reluctant at first once she got going . Well she didn’t regret it and nether did I . It made getting home for the occasional weekend that much more inTimate. As a man it made me want to be with my wife more and the sexting was like a slow strip tease. Also while the other single men who aren’t Christian where busy looking for some I had the joy and knowledge of my wife being at home waiting for me and that the sexting / xxx skyping only made focus on getting the job done sooner . I had a steak dinner at home sizzling on the grill I wasn’t going to stop and get a hamburger from ptomaine bar and grill.

      1. Yes good reference, Paul Newman said the same of his wife Joann Woodward – apparently when he was asked about all the women who would throw themselves at him his response was something like, “Why settle for hamburger when you have steak at home.” mmmmmm

  2. J, The question of whether these calls could be Intercepted in the middle or eavesdropped on is virtually Nil. It is not impossible, but it is not something that is likely to happen. The greater possibility is that the computer itself has some kind of Malware running that is recording all activity for nefarious purposes, but if regular steps are taken to avoid suspect sites and anti-virus an anti-malware software is up-to-date this is less of a concern. It is reasonably secure.

    1. The sensible approach to all computer, internet and telecommunications activity is to record, broadcast or transmit nothing that you would not wish the world to know.

      1. Well, I’m in trouble then. (Just kidding. Sorta.)

        Actually, I don’t know how I could possibly function even in my ministry to “transmit nothing that you would not wish the world to know.” For instance, I answer very personal questions sent to me by email, and I want to be extremely responsible in keeping their confidence. Do either parties of that email want the world to know? Of course not! But it seems a bit paranoid to think that will get out (it won’t), and the need for some people to get good information and advice certainly trounces any latent worries.

        At the same time, I do have a policy that I don’t put anything out in public or on my phone that would haunt me. It might well embarrass me, but I can recover from that.

  3. A spouse is in no position to make any demands for sex of any kind from their significant other, ever. You should always enter into every situation with your eyes wide open. You have to live with your decisions. He has to live with his. You are not allowed to decide for both of you. That is wrong on every single level and will spell disaster in the end. It does not sound like the tech is your problem. You are embarrassed to masturbate “with” your husband. It is an extremely sensual and personal act. One that requires absolute trust. If you are embarrassed by it, my opinion is that perhaps your relationship is not all you think it is.

    1. The embarrassment might come from previous messages received that hang onto us. But yes, I certainly agree that you should never demand a sexual act from your spouse. That does not pass the Christ-like test in any way. Thanks for clarifying that part.

  4. Anything that goes out over the Internet can be captured and stored, and there’s no guarantee that it will ever go away.

    The real question’s risk assessment; given that there is so much data in process, what’s the risk that someone would want to use it against you, as an individual…and what motivation could there be? To what use might it be put?

    Those are questions everyone has to answer individually, but I’d say if the prospect of that ‘information’ having an independent life, so to speak, in the cyberworld makes you uncomfortable, don’t do it.

  5. My husband and I have never been apart for as long as this reader and hers have. But in the times when we’ve been apart for any period, we’ve engaged in Skype sex before. In my case, this was hard to get past at first because I had a history, in my twenties, of engaging in Skype sex with men who were not my husband. This was pre-marriage, by the way, and I was not living like a believer in any manner back then. Anyway, once we worked through that issue, it’s worked well for us. Like another commenter said, as long as anti-virus and anti-malware software is kept up to date, Skype should be secure. I personally think that if it works and helps keep the marriage strong, then there’s no shame in it.

  6. “Will you please either warn us or explain why there is no cause for worry?”

    From a very broad standpoint, anything that you see or hear can conceivably be captured in some manner by someone else. There are no guarantees, no such thing as perfect security in tech.

    *However* – the likelihood of this actually happening to an average Jane or Joe is incredibly slim.

    Yes, you hear stories about celebrities’ phones being “hacked,” but…

    A) those are still images – it would be much harder for a nefarious third party to capture live video in the same manner

    B) you are not a celebrity, therefore the odds that someone would target you personally are slim at best.

    C) often-times such “hacks” are due to lack of discretion of the person taking the photo or the person it was intended for. Trusting person sends a pic to an untrustworthy individual, and it goes from there. As long as you fully trust your husband in this area, there should be no concern here.

    I don’t travel much, but if I did and wanted to do some sexy Skyping, here’s what I would do:

    – Create burner Skype accounts for both of us with no ties back to our personal accounts. No identifying information. Use very strong passwords – I suggest . I would also change my main phone/computer password as well.

    – Double-check both of our computers/phones for any sign of malware (viruses, keyloggers, etc.)

    – During the actual Skyping, make sure our faces were not on camera.

    All of those suggestions would be more for my wife’s peace of mind than mine, as again – the odds of someone actually tapping into your video chat is very very slim.

  7. My opinion on Skype sex is there is always a possibility of someone seeing it. For the average couple who aren’t apart long, I would not recommend it “just to spice things up.” For the long distance, long time apart couple, I would say the risk is worth it if you are a couple that needs it.

  8. I’m certainly not speaking for anyone else, but I don’t believe this would be helpful in my marriage. We were married for about 2 years before I found out about my husband’s porn use. We’ve taken steps toward healing, but this would make me feel really yucky. And I don’t know if there will ever be a time when we need to stop focusing on sex not being entirely visual/physical for him. That’s just us though. I know there are plenty of people who are not dealing with this.

    1. That’s a good point. If it feels too much like porn, focused so much on imagery and the physical, then yes, I think it’s wise to avoid it. Thanks for your comment.

  9. Shame and guilt are tools the enemy uses rather frequently, too often at times.

    As Alicia stated, “her past was causing her shame”, and as J replied to Mike, ” the embarressment might come from previous messags received”.

    Before the technology we have today, there was no efficient way of keeping in touch with partners, once they left the house!

    Then came videos, and the enemy captured that technology, and used it to drive a wedge between the sexes, you were either one of those who bought watched it made or sold it, or you were one of those who was repulsed by it.

    As Nick stated, “home cooked steak on the grill” was now hamburger from a sleazy back alley diner, and readily available in a moment.

    Then came the internet, and all the hamburgers became ramen noodles, 2 minute hunger fix, that leaves you still hungering and with a bad taste afterwards.

    But it was God who allowed the technology to be created, and I would rather praise Him for the ability to stay intimate with my partner, even if they are on the other side of the world, than worry about the enemy maybe trying to spread some images he can’t use, because of the purity of the intent. He thrives on quilt, shame , embarressment, etc

    If there are any issues from our past, which are causing shame and embarressment, then we haven’t given those issues to Jesus, and the enemy will have a field day.

    If you ask the Lord to help you get past the issues, the Lord WILL put your past behind you, and help make your marriage stronger, healthier and something the younger generations will desire for their own marriage.

  10. I would be completely willing to Skype sex because I know it would draw us together as a couple and add another layer to the intimacy we already enjoy. Thankfully, we’ve never had to be apart that long. 🙂

    Thank you, J for enabling believers to walk in freedom and joy in their marriage bed. Another great post!

  11. J
    My thoughts would be much more aligned with an article that Sandy Walsh wrote “Why Skype Sex Is A Bad Idea”.

    She seems to address the meaningful married sexual relationship. Read this, reality hits home and yes, we all have to make some sacrifices.

    1. So I found the article and read it. Her points deal with several issues. Some of them just about the awkwardness of it, but isn’t a lot of sexual activity with our spouses awkward at first? It is for us gals (or many of us, I should say). Moreover, this article was written in 2011, and her point about technology being difficult (like screens freezing) just doesn’t hold true as tech gets better and better.

      The best points she makes are that it’s not intimate like physical touching and holding and lovemaking. And on that point, I would agree with her. It’s certainly not a substitute for face-to-face, body-to-body sexual intimacy. However, she says, “The whole affair is based on the primal act of getting some … And afterward, there’s no cuddling, no spooning, no soft kisses that say ‘Even though we just did it like animals I still care about you.’ Nope, none of that. Just an uncomfortable sign off before you both go to bed alone.” With that, I entirely disagree. This isn’t some random stranger hookup online, and a husband and wife can communicate and express quite a bit of love. If we didn’t believe this, why even bother phoning each other when your mate is gone? Wouldn’t that be fake communication if you can’t see each other and get all the nonverbal communication as well? But we don’t believe that; we operate on the premise that we can fill in the blanks and do the best we can with what we’ve got.

      Of course this should be, as you say, a “meaningful married sexual relationship.” And for some, this approach absolutely would not work toward that. But for those who want to do this, I can’t find a biblical or practical reason to say no. I do provide warnings about handling it well, and yes, that includes making sure it’s still as intimate as you can make it. Thanks for your comment.

  12. I haven’t read all the comments so I don’t know if this is mentioned, but I would caution against Skype sex in favor of FaceTime! I’m a professional counselor and our confidentiality laws prevent us from using Skype for counseling sessions because it is not secure enough, FaceTime, however, is! I’m my opinion, nothing can ruin internet sex quite like having it hacked…

  13. This was a GREAT article that touched on a very real issue for my wife and I. As to online security, there are a couple of things people can do to make it more secure.

    1) If you can, use a hardline internet connection instead of wi-fi, it is almost always more secure.

    2) Tom’s suggestion of burner accounts for your sexy transmissions is a great idea, especially if you have curious kids (like ours) who like to try and figure out mom and dad’s passwords.

    3) If you do need to use a wi-fi connection, consider investing in a VPN service.

    4) If you are using a mobile device (iPhone, iPad, Android phone, etc.), consider using an alternative system with End-to-End encryption for chatting or sending risqué photos such as Telegram, WhatsApp or Viber. They are considerably more secure than regular text messages and can be

    5) MAINTAIN STRONG PASSWORDS FOR YOUR DEVICES AND ACCOUNTS!! This can’t be overstated. Any secure software is only as strong as the password to your laptop, email account or phone. The more characters in a password, the better off you will be. This includes spaces and special characters. If your password is “Kid1&Kid2”, consider making is “Kid #1 and Kid #2” (yes, the spaces count as characters) as a more secure option. It also makes it easier to type since most of us are used to typing things in sentence form.

    6) Keep in mind the fact that you are doing nothing wrong by engaging in sexual communication with your spouse. If you’re scared to death that someone, somewhere, may eventually see this interplay between you and your spouse, the terrorists win. Lol.

    Online security should be something everyone should be aware of but not something that keeps everyone paralyzed with fear. Unless you have a reason for someone to be blackmailing you or you are under surveillance (for whatever reason), there is little to be gained by someone trying to intercept video calls between a husband and wife.

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