Have you ever seen an article or book on questions for newlyweds? I’ve seen many great ideas on discussion topics for newly married couples to get to know one another better, to align their dreams and plans, and to prepare for potential pitfalls in the future.
Someone recently challenged Paul Byerly of The Generous Husband to write ten questions for “oldlyweds.” He did so here, and then challenged other members of the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association (CMBA) to do the same.
I got to thinking about questions specifically for your sexual intimacy. With over 20 years of marriage under my belt, I can tell you that sex is not the same now as it was when we were first married. No, it didn’t die. It’s even better in quality. But it is different, and we spouses might want to ask ourselves a few questions as we age about our marriage bed.
While not a oldlywed — more like a middlywed– here are ten questions I suggest discussing with your spouse about your mature sex life and why I think you should ask them.
1. How has our sexual intimacy changed since our early days of marriage?
Identify where you’ve improved or where you’ve fallen off. And guess what? Your impression may not be the same as your spouse. Find out what they believe and how they feel about the changes.
2. What do I do that really turns you on?
Ask that when you’re newlyweds, and you might just hear, “Everything.” But have hundreds or thousands of lovemaking experiences, and you have quite a variety of actions and sensations and knowledge about what gets you really revving. Maybe your spouse knows exactly what it is, but maybe he doesn’t. In fact, you could ask this like a Newlywed Game question and each write down what you think turns on your spouse most and what turns you on most, then swap answers. You might be surprised.
3. What do I do in that you wish I’d change?
I have a friend who’s been married for a few years, and her husband honestly believes grabbing her boob is a legitimate way to get her aroused. How could he not know that ain’t the ticket to Paradise City?! Yet we get into our habits and loving spouses overlook what annoys them, and then decades in how do they convincingly tell us that go-to move needs to go to the trash heap? Or you may be missing ways that speak intimate love to your spouse. So ask this question, accept what your spouse says, and make a change.You may be missing ways that speak intimate love to your spouse. Click To Tweet
4. What do you most enjoy about my body?
Your body is older, so things are shifting, wrinkling, sagging. But while objectively you might have looked your best at age 30, your body is still amazing and appealing to your spouse. So share what you each adore about the body you get to see, touch, and pleasure. We ladies especially might appreciate the reassurance.
5. Is there anything we haven’t done in the bedroom that you’d like to try?
I’ve written before about whether you should share your sexual fantasy and whether you have to go along with your spouse’s sexual fantasy. But most of the time, when you ask this question, it isn’t as big a deal as you might think. Several years into sexual intimacy, you should find yourselves more comfortable expressing a few outside-the-box ideas and more attuned to what your spouse would be willing to do.
6. What’s your best memory of us having sex?
Just as I wrote that question, I immediately started thinking how I’d answer. A few particularly memorable lovemaking sessions came to mind, and I bet you have your own. Why not reminisce together about the times that made you feel extra good and extra special?
7. What do you most like to do after we have sex?
Intimacy fostered by sex shouldn’t evaporate right after you’ve finished. Talk about your favorite ways to bask in the afterglow. Then make those happen more often.
8. What’s the funniest moment we’ve had during sex?
At this point in your marriage, you’ve realized things happen in bed that you need to have a sense of humor about, so give yourselves a bit of comic relief. Being able to laugh with each other strengthens your bond, and a sense of playfulness in the bedroom can deepen your enjoyment.
9. How do you expect our sexual intimacy to change in the next five, ten, or twenty years?
The apostle Paul said, “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:13-14). What’s past has happened, but you can press on toward holiness and happiness in your future, even in the marriage bed. Take stock together of what that might look like and what challenges you might face.You can press on toward holiness and happiness in your future, even in the marriage bed. Click To Tweet
10. What do you most cherish about being one flesh?
But this question is your opportunity to express what sex really means to you. How does sex express and reflect you two being one flesh?
Ask some questions, and remember to really listen to your spouse’s answers. Don’t judge or defend, but discuss. Make your marriage a safe place to express what you feel and believe. That’s another kind of intimacy, and worth cultivating.
Shout out to my husband, who provided questions 7 and 10! Spock’s a smart cookie. 😉
What other discussion questions about sex do you suggest for a mature couple?
Other CMBA bloggers who responded to the challenge:
The Forgiven Wife: 10 Questions (for a Husband Who Doesn’t Like Questions)
The Generous Wife: 10 Questions for AnyTime-Weds