Hot, Holy & Humorous

Does God Care about Your Sexual Heartbreak?

In the worst years of my marriage, I cried myself to sleep. Not once or twice, but too many times. Sometimes the conflict was so bad that we’d be in the same bed, turned in different directions, not touching in any way, and both feeling lonely, even though our mate was inches away.

Some of you know what I’m talking about.

My prayer life then was fairly active, because I desperately wanted something from God: I wanted Him to fix my marriage. But in the back of my mind, I had this question: Does God really care about my heartbreak?

Because if He cared, why wasn’t He repairing all of our broken places? Like, yesterday?

blog post title + illustration of broken heart

But when I read stories in the Bible of devoted believers, they often spend time “in the pit” where things are tough and faith is tested. I’m not sure we Christians really understand how to live through hardship and wait on God’s deliverance.

Do we really understand how to live through hardship and wait on God's deliverance? Click To Tweet

Now that I’m on the other side, I can tell you three things for certain:

1. God cares about you and your marriage. He is attuned to your heartache, but He also has a point of view that you and I don’t have. He can see not only today, but tomorrow and the future. God’s willing to let us stew longer than we’re comfortable with, because He has an eternal perspective.

The Lord will allow us to endure emotional pain if it motivates spiritual growth.

Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice” (Psalm 55:17).

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7).

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” ( Psalm 34:18).

2. God is answering, but maybe not how and when you want.

I wanted God to fix my marriage, which — to me — mainly meant fixing my husband. Perhaps you can see how this approach would go awry. But it took me years to understand that God was patiently answering my prayer, by pushing me harder and harder to look in the mirror. It was when I realized how unloving I’d been to my husband that I began to put godly principles into practice in my marriage. And that changed everything: my attitude, my behavior, and my husband’s response.

What if God is trying to speak to you, trying to nudge you in the right direction, but you aren’t truly listening? What if you don’t hear His answer because it’s not how and when you expected? What if the answer means you have to change?

For you, God, tested us; you refined us like silver” (Psalm 66:10).

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance” (2 Peter 3:9).

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us” (1 John 5:4).

3. You’ll eventually be glad you remained faithful.

Of course, the problem with that statement is the word eventually. Are we talking next year, when our marriage begins an uphill climb to intimacy in the marriage bed and beyond? Or are we talking on our death-bed, feeling good about being faithful to the end but never really enjoying what God meant us to have? I really want to say that it will be next year or, better yet, next week. Especially since I fervently believe that living according to God’s plan produces positive results not just in the afterlife, but immediately in our lives right here.

But I’d be lying if I guaranteed something. I don’t know when it will happen, and you can only control your part of the equation. But I believe God’s promises that we will be rewarded for faithfulness.

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him” (James 1:12).

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving” (Colossians 3:23-24).

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).

He’s listening, He cares, He’s answering, and He’s preparing a reward for righteousness.

In the midst of tearful days, that may be hard to believe. But continue to pray for your sexual intimacy, and then listen for His voice. Take baby steps in the right direction, putting into practice what you have learned through prayer and study.

Intimacy Revealed CoverTo help you focus on this task, pick up my book Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage, which walks you through Bible study, questions to ask yourself, and prayer time to start making the changes you and your marriage bed need.


12 thoughts on “Does God Care about Your Sexual Heartbreak?”

  1. anthony innerd

    Hi J,
    In the midst of – loves re-discovery. Is there such a place this side of heaven and if so, it must be Gods arms we have, that reach out to him and in our prayers our infinitely long – just like our Lord who is infinite.

    Where will the e-book be available. Will it be on Amazon.
    Sometimes they leave a copy, or first chapter with those who have Kindle.

    1. Thanks, Anthony. The ebook is currently available; it’s the print version I need to get fixed.

  2. I wish I could agree

    I hate to be a downer as I think your blogging is one of the best on this subject.
    But I have to say after several decades of pouring my soul out (to God and my wife) and getting nothing, eventually I lost faith that there is a God out there listening. I am open to there being a God, but I can’t say I have anything that tells me so.

    And I seem to doubt I will be glad at some point in the future as the “equipment” is failing. If my wife suddenly decided she wanted an intimate relationship now, I honestly think I would emotionally explode. The resentment I have been able to get under control would tear up any bit of the relationship we have in other areas.

    1. I’m saddened by your story. I pray that you can see God showing up in your life, and that your wife will have a change of heart. Blessings.

    2. I understand where you are coming from. For 17 years I have prayed, admitted when I was the problem(not easy) and tried to serve my husband so that he would start showing interest in me. Even with MS, I have kept myself in shape and have always been “there” for him if he wants me, but I have now changed my prayers to be for me to accept where we are and just accept our business and parenting relationship. He is a good provider and allows me access to his digital life whenever I ask for it. I don’t doubt there is a God, but I constantly wonder if at the one moment, 20 years ago, when we had a bad argument that maybe that was God telling us to get out.

  3. This!!! I remember many nights crying out to God wondering when He was gonna come thru and fix everything! But I thank God for the process and waiting on Him because my marriage is improved so much!

  4. Dear J

    Beautiful and reassuring post, thank you. I am at about your #2 (except I am the husband): “It was when I realized how unloving I’d been to my [wife] that I began to put godly principles into practice in my marriage.”

    I haven’t tried praying for more (actually any) sex. I think that would feel weird (also upsetting).


  5. Still Angry Over Sexless Marriage

    As a husband of a sexless marriage for 20 years, I eventually believed that God or my ex-wife cared about me or my desires. This type of rejection for the high drive spouse, and I think especially for a man, is devastating. I’m now divorced and finding it was about my ex-wife, not me. I think God was there all of the time, but I lost my faith along the way. Good post!

  6. I have been praying that God would take away my sexual desire for the past 5+ years. God is now answering that prayer. It is such a big relief not having a strong sexual desire. A side benefit is little or no temptation of lust. This is not a solution for every sexually starved marriage but it sure has helped me.

    1. I think it’s reasonable to ask God for perspective and patience with your sex drive. I don’t think God wants to take away someone’s sex drive in marriage; there’s too much evidence that sexual intimacy is good for a marriage, so that would be counter to His plan. Praying for your wife’s change of heart.

  7. I stumbled across this post via Twitter and so glad the Lord led me here. As a victim of sexual trauma, it has been very hard to be intimate with my husband. I’m in therapy, working on my self-worth and letting go of the guilt. All of which is helping, but I also think your book may help. I’ll be waiting for the print version to come available. Blessings!

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