Somewhere during this global pandemic, I broke a toe. At least, I think I broke a toe. I didn’t go to the doctor and get it X-rayed, both because it was during a lockdown and because the treatment for a broken toe is usually just taping it to a neighbor toe. But it’s amazing how much it’s hurt and how much I’ve been hobbling since that happened.
Don’t worry about my toe—I’ll be fine—but the point is that even a small body part can have a big impact. It can have a big, positive impact when it comes to sex.
Consider the delights a husband can bring with one simple body part: a finger.
In particular, I’ll be talking about three fingers, used one at a time, but a husband’s index finger, middle finger, and thumb can be particularly effective in providing his wife arousal and pleasure.
Stroking Her Skin
A husband can take his index finger (that’s the pointer, guys) and gently, slowly stroke his wife’s skin in a lingering caress. Try starting at the inside of her wrist and dragging the tip of your finger up her arm. Or start with her foot and draw your finger up the outside of her calf, under her knee, and then along the inside of her thigh.
You can tease your finger up her hip and torso, down her neck and shoulder, or around the contours of her breast. Nearly anywhere you can find skin is a place where you can show affection and increase arousal with a single finger and gentle touch.
Teasing Her Lips
In Song of Songs 4:3, the husband says about his wife: “Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon; your mouth is lovely.” Ribbons are usually soft to the touch, as are her luscious lips. To tease those lips, a husband can take his thumb and trace the edges of his wife’s mouth.
Drag the fleshy part of your thumb over her lips, even drawing down her lower lip to get better access. Take your time exploring your wife’s mouth with your thumb, teasing out expectation for what’s coming next.
Undressing Her Body
There’s something arousing about touches on the edge or just inside the hem of one’s clothing. Hubby can take his index finger and run the tip around her skin at the sleeve opening, neckline, or hem of her skirt or pants.
Then use that finger to drag the fabric up and even off your wife. Challenge yourself to see how much you can undress your wife using only a finger or two. Doing it this way will likely prolong the experience, drawing out anticipation.
Fondling Her Breasts
Much as a husband might like to get his whole hand on his wife’s breast, he can do a lot with a single finger. He may be best suited to use his thumb to outline the entire breast, then trace the areola, which is the darker skin around the nipple.
His thumb can also gently rub or flick her nipple to arouse her more. A husband could add a little interest by licking his thumb first then caressing her breasts.
Bonus tip for all of the above: If desired, hubby can follow up with a kiss and/or lick everywhere he’s put his finger.
Arousing Her Clitoris
Before we discuss this, let’s revisit what the clitoris is. It’s not just that bulb that sticks out and swells when aroused. Rather, the clitoris is a wishbone-shaped organ that spreads out on either side of a wife’s vaginal lips and merges together with a protrusion called the glans clitoris, aka the “love button.”
With that in mind, a husband can start stimulating the whole clitoris by using his finger—index, middle, or thumb—to caress and/or massage the area on either side of his wife’s vaginal lips. Using the speed and pressure his wife prefers, he can begin to arouse her vulva, which may swell and produce lubrication. Personal lubricant can also be added for a wetter or smoother experience.
Once she is more aroused, then a husband can move his finger to that bulb that is the most sensitive part of the clitoris. Women vary widely on what type of touch they prefer here, so take cues from your wife. Generally speaking, move from slower to faster and less friction to more friction as things progress, with a few pauses here and there to draw out her desire.
Pressing Her Opening
The vagina itself does not have a lot of nerve endings. The pleasure a woman feels with sexual activity and intercourse primarily comes from direct or indirect contact with her clitoris, vulva, and vaginal entrance. A husband can use that last part to stimulate his wife by taking his thumb and pressing down and in just a little at the opening to her vagina.
Combining this action with direct stimulation of her clitoral bulb with another finger can produce heightened sensation for a wife and may be very enjoyable to her.
Penetrating Her Vagina
Of course, there’s the standby digital penetration of her vagina using a finger. The middle finger is often preferred, though other fingers can certainly be used, and you could double or triple up if you/she both desire.
His finger can simulate the thrusting of his penis in and out of his wife’s vagina. Or a husband can also attempt to graze the G-spot by insert his finger and then curling it in a “come hither” gesture toward her tummy.
Well, okay then. How many of you hubbies now need a cold shower after imagining your wife melting under the touch of just your one finger? (Sorry, not sorry.)
And plenty of wives now want their husband to go wash his hands (20 seconds, y’all!) and head to the bedroom.
But may these tips inspire you to seek greater pleasure and intimacy in your marriage bed!
For a lot more ideas, check out my book!
Sounds like a fun evening
oh my! I wish my hubby were home! Is this the article that was the result of writer’s block? If so, bring on the writer’s block!
LOL! Yes, it was.
(To others reading, I shared in a smaller group that I’d been struggling to write blog posts with a pandemic going on.)
Thank you J! It’s so great to be able to find Christian advice on how to get better at sex. To look these things up alone on google can be very disturbing so it’s nice to find advice from a Christian who keeps it clean.
Thanks! That’s my goal: detailed enough to use in your marriage without the ick factor. I’m also careful to choose my wording in a way that encourages spouses to imagine this with their own beloved.
This is such a fun post. Now you need to write one from the guy’s perspective. Some of us men are not as simple as many women think. I like to be touched other erogenous places, too. It makes me feel desired for more than just my penis. My wife still doesn’t touch me anywhere other than kissing my lips or my penis. She would be a big fan of your post today because she likes, demands, and receives from me all of the touching mentioned above. I’ve tried to communicate to her that I like to be touched gently elsewhere. But she comes from a mindset that all guys need or want is their penis focused on. She’s even said after a couple glasses of wine I must not be a real man if I need more than that.
I know she doesn’t really mean it. But it shows an understanding she has inside her.
Good point! A guy in college I knew, during a Truth or Dare game (we were young, whatever), admitted his inner thigh was a super-erogenous zone, and I remember thinking, “Huh, guys are more complicated than I thought.”
Totally get that. My wife just lays there and wants to get it over with. I have always wished she would kiss me all over like I do to her, but just wishful thinking on my part.
The question is WHY. Why is sex something she doesn’t participate in and wants to be done with? Usually, there’s a history there, a story that explains that attitude, and knowing that information can help you both know how to move forward.
Wish my wife would even allow me to touch her period. Very difficult to do any of these when she won’t even let me come near her. All this did was make me sad and long for the days we were still sleeping in the same bedroom and had a loving relationship. How I hope and pray and long for better days ahead!
I’m sad that you’re going through that. Praying for a breakthrough!
When I ask why, for anything, for 35 years now, the only answer I ever get is “I don’t NEED a reason! You just have to live with(out) it.”
I chose not to live in crazy town a long time ago. If she cannot give me a reason it is most likely because there isn’t one. Just wants to prove she is boss. I let her believe whatever delusions she wants to. Certainly cannot stop her from doing so.
Her loss too but she will NEVER admit this even though she always has a good time once she gets out of her own way.
I find it interesting that I have had to constantly try to “lead” a horse to water, from day one to day before yesterday, but God warns us to drink from own well. What does it mean when the horse “refuses” to drink consistently and repeatedly from the very beginning? Practically automatic unless I happen to guess the lucky day correctly. Who is this in defiance TO?
“When I ask why, for anything, for 35 years now, the only answer I ever get is ‘I don’t NEED a reason! You just have to live with(out) it.'” Actually, she does need a reason, because God intends something different so if she’s forgoing, there should be a reason. Yes, I suspect there is one (and not “to prove she is boss”), but even discussing it hurts.
Many spouses build a wall, thinking that protects them, when in fact it keeps them from experiencing healing and restoration.
May I encourage you to seek counseling just for yourself? You have a lot of understandable resentment and you might learn something to help you better cope or break through to your wife. Maybe also if she knows you’re going, she’ll agree to come to. Praying.
Just a bit of practical advice–make sure your fingers are warm before you touch her. “Eeek!” is not the response you want. If you wish her to let you use your tongue “down there” to bring her to orgasm, begin by using your tongue to praise her the way the lover praises the young woman in the Song of Solomon. Some wives have such a poor opinion of their own bodies that it can take years of daily praise before they get it that you really do mean they’re beautiful. And if she asks, “Do these jeans make me look fat?” always say “No,” if you wish her to show you what’s under them!
Great post, J. I enjoyed the very practical advice. As my wife and I read our together we couldn’t help but chuckle, though, imagining me trying to use a finger to trace any part of her body. She is so ticklish that I have to be careful to avoid fingers at all until she’s more engaged and then I still need to be careful. Fortunately the important areas warm up quickly. Still lots of ways to apply these ideas even when she is extremely ticklish.
Perhaps a tad tangential, but being 5/19, I recommend husbands also revisit Proverbs 5.19.
This write up has given me a romantic reminder of how sensitive to the touch my wife really is. A romantic reminder that my wife’s whole body (including the back of her neck and shoulder) is an erogenous area.
I also like you using the term “lingering caress” in how to navigate throughout her body. I know (and accept) that some may not understand the true sensual meaning of the word “caress” or simply view it as a “buzz” word, but my wife and I use the word. (maybe it is a generational thing)
I’m a little curious about lack of nerve endings in a woman’s vagina, as it seems when she is fully aroused, her whole vagina is extremely sensitive to the touch as her outer/inner labia becomes inflamed and swollen, where sometimes feathering the outer labia and the first 1″ inside her opening with my finger tips, (a lot of intimate build up) creates enough urgency for her to experience a climax, before I even begin to target to her clitoris and her g-spot.
The vagina is the canal itself, while the vaginal lips can be extremely sensitive to touch. I think most women have more sensitivity where the labia open up into the vagina, whereas the “love tunnel” itself is not as sensitive. Hope that helps!
oh, I learned something new. in that the vagina is located more so inside past the opening.
Thanks
I also forgot to mention your helpful little reminder also inspired me (with my wife’s back facing me while we are cuddling) to reach my right arm over her and [redacted to avoid TMI ~ J 🙂 ].
I’ll admit that husband’s do emotionally benefit by taking the time to understand how sensitive to the touch his wife’s whole body really is.
oops!
I’m not sure if I’ve ever read anything more true! Such great advice for husbands.
I will definitely be sharing it with mine. Just reading it started getting me all hot and bothered. lol
Thank you for this advice.
Any advice for a husband whose wife prefers kissing only as foreplay? I.e, when he tries to touch her vulva during snogging before sex, most of the time She moves his hand away?
She may not be ready for touching of her vulva during that time. While a man tends to like having his penis touched by his wife pretty much whenever, the comparable parts on a woman—vulva and clitoris—are quite different. It can actually be uncomfortable or irritating to have that area touched before lubrication and swelling have readied her down there.
What I would suggest is touching her in other places of her body that can be very erotic. That’s a bit wife-specific, but some options include neck, shoulder, palms, side of torso, inner thigh… Work your way from outside to inside. Hope that helps!
Thank you. It’s just I really enjoy bringing my wife to orgasm but she doesn’t want it often. In fact, it’s probably one of my favourite parts of sex.
Would you suggest moving from non-sexual touching to more sexual touching?
Yes. Slowly.
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My wife really loves this. It can get to a point where she is aching for full penetration and release.