Where do we get our notions of what sex is like? One place is screen sex—movies, TV, videos that show couples engaged in hot and heavy lovemaking.
But screen sex is pretend sex. It involves special lighting, camera angles, makeup and wardrobe, choreography, and acting. If we get the idea that sex is like what we see on a screen, we can feel like we’re missing out or that something is wrong with us when sex doesn’t happen that way.If we get the idea that sex is like what we see on a screen, we can feel like we're missing out or that something is wrong with us when sex doesn't happen that way. via @hotholyhumorous Click To Tweet
Let’s talk about 7 reasons in which screen sex is not like real sex.
1. She’s ready at the drop of a shirt.
Two seconds. That’s all a woman needs to go from zero to fifty shades of “Take Me!”
Yeah, right. The vast majority of times a wife, and often a husband, needs time to shift from daily life to a sexual encounter. She needs to settle the kids down, close her mental tabs, wash away her day’s worries, don her sensual self, and focus on lovemaking. She may need more foreplay than you think, particularly wooing and kissing.
Then, and only then, is she eager to have rip-roaring sex. Or sip-soaring sex. Your choice.
2. They shed their clothes seamlessly.
Blouses unbutton easily, trousers come off with a single zip, bras unhook with a snap, and socks? Well, you never see them removed, but since the couple is barefoot later, socks obviously came off without a hitch.
Meanwhile, in Real World, it can take a little more effort to get your clothes off. And it might not be quite the passionate affair shown on screen.
Anyone ever had a zipper stick? Fumble over the buttons or the bra hook? Stumble while removing your outfit? If you haven’t yet, just wait. As someone who’s 27 years into marriage, I can say pretty confidently it will happen.
3. They knock things over to have sex.
I used to think the scene from Bull Durham where Kevin Costner clears off the breakfast table and lays Susan Sarandon down on it was hot, hot, hot.
Reality check: If my husband swiped his hand over any flat surface in my house, making everything on it topple or drop, I would not be focused on sex. I would be wondering what’s getting broken and/or who’s gonna clean up that mess. ‘Cause it ain’t gonna be me, buster!
Who are these people just knocking stuff down for the sake of sex?! Can they not take ten seconds to move a few things? Find a better place? Maybe head to the bed where there are fewer breakables?
4. Their bodies fit exactly in the missionary position.
They lie face-to-face and penis-to-vagina. The alignment of their genitalia is only matched by the alignment of their eyes as they gaze passionately at one another.
Is that likely? In the US, the average man is five inches taller than the average woman (5’9″ vs. 5’4″). If you line up a man and a woman eyeball-to-eyeball, the likelihood their genitalia will line up as well is pretty much…not happening.
Yes, you can adjust your sexual position to look into one another’s eyes, but if it’s not that easy or not that way every time, join the club. If you have extreme height differences, you can check out some positions here for that specific scenario.
5. He knows exactly what to do.
They’ve never been together, but he knows just what takes her from stirred to sizzling. Indeed, that’s one way she knows he’s The One—because of how well he navigates and stimulates her body.
Good gravy. Most husbands wish their wives came with a manual. Or maybe not, because that manual would be 300 pages with footnotes.Most husbands wish their wives came with a manual. Or maybe not, because that manual would be 300 pages with footnotes. via @hotholyhumorous Click To Tweet
Look, most men and women don’t know how the other works. We don’t have those parts, so we have to learn about them and what is truly arousing and pleasurable. On top of that, knowing what men and women find pleasing must be adapted to one’s particular spouse. We need to stop expecting our spouse to just know and instead learn and communicate.
6. She orgasms from intercourse.
Kiss, grope, fall on the bed, have intercourse, and boom! the heavens open and she’s gasping with excitement because…Best. Orgasm. Ever.
Sure, some women orgasm with intercourse, but a fair number of wives need other forms of stimulation to reach climax. Indeed, the best way for most women to reach orgasm is through heavy kissing, manual stimulation, and/or oral sex (aka the “golden trio”).
If you assumed the earth would shatter solely from penis-in-vagina thrusting, you may need to adjust your expectations. It could require more angling to hit that sweet spot, additional stimulation to the clitoris during intercourse, and/or other sexual activities.
7. They’re quickly ready to go again.
Whew. What a fantastic, exhausting session of lovemaking. Hey, it’s been five minutes. Let’s go again!
When he’s in his early 20s, maybe. But if that guy is older? Much older? Probably not.
After sex, there’s a refractory period, meaning a time during which the body recovers before it’s ready for orgasm or even arousal again. For men, the refractory period ranges from minutes to 24 hours or more. The average seems to be somewhere around a half-hour, but again, aging can stretch that time quite a bit.
Here’s the good news, though. As a man ages, he can usually last longer. So the total time spent making love could remain about the same, and the quality of the lovemaking may increase. Meaning, so what if you can’t go again right away—you’re better at sex now anyway.
Bonus: It’s Not Always Intimate.
The vast majority of sex shown on screen concentrates on the physical pleasure experienced by the couple.
Yes, sex can be super-pleasurable—sexy, sizzling, satisfying like nothing else in life. But it’s also not that big a deal if it’s just about the physical high.
That is, the physical high fades pretty quickly. Often faster than that refractory period. What makes sex as God designed it deeply satisfying is the one flesh experience—that is, the intimacy expressed and fostered through sex.
You don’t usually see that on screen. But in a healthy marriage with authentic sex, intimacy is the primary ingredient.In a healthy marriage with authentic sex, intimacy is the primary ingredient. via @hotholyhumorous Click To Tweet
So let’s not watch screen sex and get jealous. It’s often not intimate. It’s certainly not real. It’s not the best sex we can have. Rather, the best sex comes with commitment, intentionality, and deep love.