Last week, I took on the tough subject of husbands who are bullies in the bedroom, using coercion, pressure, and intimidation to get their wives to do what they want sexually. Today and next time, I want to talk about all the other husbands—men who love their wives and want a healthy, honorable sex life with her.
Celebrating the Good Guys
Sometimes I think y’all should read my email. Of course I wouldn’t share personal communications—though I do select questions to answer on my blog or Facebook at times. But if you could see the kind of messages I get from husbands, you might better understand what I believe about men.
I’m not saying this is scientifically representative, but if I had to break down the email I get from men, it would be:
- 10% from husbands who are complete jerks yet blame their wives when they are the problem
- 20% from husbands who are behaving badly because they’re upset about their sex life or marriage or have individual problems but can be reasoned with or helped
- 50% from husbands who want to make their sex life and marriage better but don’t know how to proceed (with a specific or in general)
- 20% from husbands who are simply encouraging me, sharing a thought, or praising their amazing wife
That’s 70% of husbands who are already good-willed and another 20% who could get there quickly or eventually. I’m not saying that 90% are men without sin, but they are the “good guys.”
With the right attitude, information, insight, and support, most men are capable of being good husbands and good lovers.To Good-willed Husbands Who Want a Great Sex Life: " With the right attitude, information, insight, and support, most men are capable of being good husbands and good lovers." @hotholyhumorous Click To Tweet
Good-Willed Men in a Broken World
Some marriage authors and speakers make clear that their resources are primarily intended for “good-willed” spouses.* What does it mean to have goodwill?
Goodwill can be defined as “benevolent interest or concern” (Merriam-Webster). It means that you care enough about another to pursue their good. A lot of husbands want good things for their wives—including wanting their wives to enjoy sex!
But we live in a broken world, meaning that sin has entered, selfishness and pride are often present in our hearts, and we carry wounds from past experiences and life’s hardships. Husbands with goodwill toward their wives mess up and even hurt their wives through their actions or inaction. (I’m not talking about abuse—an altogether different issue—but emotional pain that comes with tension or conflict in relationships.)
In short, many men struggle to be the husband they want to be. Maybe they:
- Don’t understand her physiology or emotional makeup and thus neglect meeting her longings
- Have a past porn habit that haunts them at times (if the habit is current, get help—it’s hurting your marriage and your soul!)
- Lack communication and/or lovemaking skills that would improve intimacy
- Experience a lot of stress that carries over to their marriage relationship
- Lack as much interest in sex as they want and feel like they’re failing their wife
- Have far more interest in sex than their wife and often feel frustrated or hurt
But they haven’t given up. They continue to struggle, and striving matters.
Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else.1 Thessalonians 5:15
The person in the Bible I most relate to is Peter, who fell down a lot but kept getting back up and trying again. Eventually, Peter learned how to trust God more fully, yet he still recognized that effort was involved:
So then, dear friends, since you are looking forward to this, make every effort to be found spotless, blameless and at peace with [God].1 Peter 3:14
If wanting better and messing up is where you are, keep fighting the good fight. With your eyes fixed on Jesus, finish the race (Hebrews 12:2, 2 Timothy 4:7).
Supporting a Good Husband
When I was younger, I swore I would never own a truck. (There’s backstory there, but it’s not worth telling right now.) Fast forward to 2013, and I said to Spock, “You want a truck? Great! Buy a truck.”
I once thought I’d never have an extra-large TV. Not only do we have one now, I recently said to Spock, “Hey, if you want the whole wall to be a TV, go for it.”
Why did I change my mind? Because Spock is a good husband, and at some point, I decided my reluctance on those issues was less important than supporting his reasonable desires.
Do NOT use this example to tell your wife you need a truck, bigger TV, or whatever. Spock didn’t push me! He expressed his desires then let it go, and I concluded these things on my own.
My point is not that you should get more man-toys. [insert eye roll here] Rather, I want to talk to the wives of good-guy husbands.
Just as I believe husbands should learn how to appreciate and affirm his wife’s personality, femininity, values, and desires, a wife should do the same for her husband. That might involve thanking him, speaking his love language, supporting his hobbies, or pursuing him sexually. It might be something altogether different. But think how much more attracted you feel to your husband when he’s meeting your emotional needs. Your husband likely feels the same.
(Again, I’m NOT talking about abusive or emotionally destructive marriages. In such a situation, sacrificing yourself to meet his “needs” won’t have the intended effect. We’re talking about good-willed husbands here.)
Think about what would speak to your husband’s heart, and then pursue that. If your husband has deeper problems, do what you can to help him get help!
Good Men Do Good Somethings
Perhaps you’ve heard or even memorized this popular saying: “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men should do nothing.” (It’s often attributed to Edmund Burke, though he never actually said it.) The antidote to bad men is more good men.
Yes, good women absolutely matter as well! We can, and should, stand up to bad men and share our insights about what it looks like to be a good husband and father and coworker and brother in Christ. But if we want to the world to have a better view of masculinity, that has to come from good men stepping up and displaying good masculinity. (For a few tips, see Titus 2:2,6-8.)
I’ve been lucky. For every guy who sexually harassed me, many more treated me with respect. For every abusive guy I’ve known, many more displayed tenderness. For every guy who betrayed me, many more behaved with integrity. The bad guys are definitely out there, but I’ve encountered more good than bad.
For any woman reading this who has not experienced the same, I’m sorry. Such mistreatment should never have happened to you. Please know that good-willed men do exist and do what you can to to have those men in your life and not the bad ones. Protect yourself and get help.
To the good-willed husbands out there, please continue to pursue what’s best for your wife and family. Own up for your own flaws and take on the responsibility to address them. Please get help if you need it—whether that’s seeing a physician, getting into therapy, joining a support group, or installing filtering software on every device you own. Learn about her body and her sexuality. Share the household burden. Take care of your children. Keep dating your wife. Pray regularly. Let Christ be your example.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, in order to make her holy by cleansing her with the washing of water by the word, so as to present the church to himself in splendor, without a spot or wrinkle or anything of the kind—yes, so that she may be holy and without blemish.Ephesians 5:25-27 (NRSV)
I and many other wives, likely including your own, are cheering you on.
See Also: What’s So Great About Men? – Knowing Her Sexually and On “Pigs,” Good Men, and the Difference – Hot, Holy & Humorous
Disclosure of Material Connection: This post includes one or more affiliate links, meaning if you click on the link and purchase an item, I receive an affiliate commission at no additional cost to you.
8 thoughts on “To Good-willed Husbands Who Want a Great Sex Life”
Good article, and I agree that the majority of men, as well as women, are looking to be good-willed spouses. I will add just one thing. If wives want to encourage their husbands, be a type of wife your husband can trust. It may not seem obvious, but husbands put themselves in very vulnerable positions as we talk about life with our wives, from our dreams to our intimate desires. It takes an incredible amount of trust to do so, and when that is taken lightly, brushed off, or disregarded, it will shut that communication down fast. I have a wonderful wife, but it can be difficult to trust her with my deepest thoughts at times, so often they are kept to myself. Honest feedback is good, but there can be a fine line between giving feedback and making light of one’s spouses deepest thoughts. Just food for thought.
Wow…that observation is point on!
I already have an awesome sex life. My wife is so hot and sexy, she want’s to have sex with me almost as I want to have sex with her. No, it wasn’t always this way, for the first five or so years of our marriage we were still figuring things out, then the kids started coming and we both had to a lot of learning to do. But I just want to say that if you stick with it, start from a place of trust and understanding, for both husband and wife, you can build an awesome sex life.
I would also like to say that you do an awesome job at writing these ideas. My wife and I have learned a lot over the years that we have read your stuff, so thank you.
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This is a great post. I was definitely not this husband for most of our marriage but through Gods grace I’ve been able to overcome my sin (porn, emotional distance, over critical) and am much closer to the husband I want to be and my wife deserves (she would agree). I very much want her to enjoy being sexually intimate with me and to feel satisfied and fulfilled in that area but what do you do when she really has no interest in sex? I’ve always been (much) higher drive and I don’t ever want to give the impression that sex is “just for me” but my wife says she has never been comfortable with me sexually and as far as I can tell seems to be perfectly fine never having sex again. How are you supposed to talk about wanting sex to be for her when she doesn’t want sex at all?
I’m blessed to be married for the last 41 years to my amazing wife.
Best ask I ever made, happy she said yes.
I wish I knew then, what I’ve learned about making love in the last 5-10-15 years. Everything from her physical non-sexual and emotional erogenous zones to understanding how amazingly sensitive she really is to the touch when her nerve endings cause her intimate areas to become inflamed and the non-verbal signals she gives me,
Even outside the bedroom with the little things like when she is sitting at her desk and she is pulling hair away from her neck signaling me to start kissing the back of her neck/shoulder area. Wish I discovered, practiced and understand that technique on her, when we were 20 and newly married.
As I age, I want to continually be more instinctive to the individual needs and desires toward my wife. Seems like every once in awhile a new one crops up we didn’t know that even existed.
This is such a hard topic. I come back the blog so many times for reminders, resources, and renewal. For that I thank you.
I’ve come to realize my LD wife would have to compromise too much. For her to compromise more requires a physical, mental, and emotional commitment for the times she normally wouldn’t / doesn’t want to for my sake. There are always a 1000 things running in her mind – she can’t just turn it off like a light switch -like I can. And frankly- I’m not so desperate or cruel to want her to fake that. Those conversations don’t have much compromise for me because there isn’t anything more she wants – except less pressure on asking or hinting. To look at it like that my LD wife is the one giving the most ground to reach our ‘compromise’ – and I don’t think that’s fair anymore.
So-I’ve reached the time where I no longer am going to burden her with that conversation because of the guilt it brings, for both of us. Her for frequency and time, and me for feeling like I’m manipulating or begging. Instead – I focus on the content vs satisfied. Am I satisfied-no. But am I content? Very much so. Once or twice a month is enough because we really do have a wonderful marriage, are happy, and I love every part of her. We’ve had the conversations- we’ve done the tips-but the communication drops after a couple weeks and we go to the routine. So rather than pushing – I feel it’s easier to just accept it and move on to living our best lives together. We are such great friends and absolutely have the best marriage in SO MANY ways. I just accept and focus on being content in this sex life. When she does want to I know she really does want too, and that’s enough to be content for me.