Tag Archives: christian wives

A Love Letter to Yourself

Before I get to today’s post, I want to remind you that the Sexy Valentine’s Day Bundle is on sale only through tomorrow, February 14. The bundle includes four resources on sexual intimacy marriage, including my book Sex Savvy, for only $10.00. Click on the picture below and buy now!

Sexy Valentine's Day Bundle

Speaking of Valentine’s, I went all out this year, with three whole posts on the subject: Does He Just Want Sex for Valentine’s Day?; 13 Sexy Valentine’s Gifts from Your Grocery Store; and 7 Sexy Valentine’s Gifts You Can Make. Which is particularly interesting since my husband and I will likely trade greeting cards tomorrow and call it a day.

I’m personally not that enamored with official holidays generally, although I do believe opportunities to show love to your beloved are important. So it’s good to have a specific day to remind us of romantic love.

But some of you won’t get a Valentine’s gift. Or maybe you will, but you’re struggling in your marriage so it doesn’t mean what you wish it did. Maybe you’ve been reading the posts of others planning big things for Valentine’s, and you’re just a bit jealous. (I remember feeling that way when my marriage was a mess.) Or perhaps — like me yesterday — you’ve just had a bad day and could use a little extra lovin’.

How about writing a love letter to yourself? Here’s mine.

Woman with valentine

Microsoft Word clip art

Dear Beautiful,

I know you don’t always feel beautiful. You look in the mirror and you see the things you wish were different — the crookedness of your nose, the few extra pounds added in the last few years, the stark-white-flesh of your legs, or the wrinkles cropping up here, there, and everywhere. But remember that God carefully knit you together (Psalm 139:13) and has made you to be His masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10).

Your nose can smell a bouquet of roses and a loaf of baked bread and the fresh scent of a baby. Your extra pounds are reminders of the children who grew inside you and the bounty of your table. Your legs can walk and leap and dance. Your wrinkles are best seen in your brow where you’ve worried for your dear family and your smile where laughter has etched its mark on your face.

Besides, where you see flaws, there is beauty (Song of Songs 4:7). Where you see weakness, there is strength (2 Corinthians 12:10). Where you see trash, there is treasure (Deuteronomy 26:18). And your value is far above rubies (Proverbs 31:10).

Just look down at your feet and then up at the sky. Can you measure the distance between the earth and the heavens? And yet that’s how much you are loved (Psalm 103:11). It’s nearly impossible to grasp just how wide and long and high and deep you are loved (Ephesians 3:18). But try to grasp it anyway! You. Are. Loved.

Indeed, you are the great delight of your Heavenly Father. He wants to serenade you (Zephaniah 3:17). Who needs Michael Bublé songs when you can have that?

Even on those days when you feel alone, remember you’re not (Matthew 28:20). Whether anyone ever gave you another Valentine, birthday gift, or Groundhog Day card, you’d still be precious and loved (Isaiah 43:4). And whatever you go through, Someone who loves you is walking beside you, making sure you get through it all (Isaiah 43:2).

And you’re worth it. Not because you’re so very worthy in particular, but because you are drop-dead gorgeous in the eyes of your Creator. Beautiful outside and inside (1 Peter 3:4). 

Worth a dozen roses or the big box of chocolates or a night on the town. 

You’re beloved. So . . . be loved. Feel it. Know it. Live it.

See yourself as God sees you. Because today, and every day, you are His Valentine.

With love,

J

Many blessings to you and your marriage. Now I’d better go write a love letter to my beloved husband on this greeting card . . . 

Flat Chests, Body Issues, and Feeling Sexy

Q&AI’m answering reader questions from my Q&A with J at HHH post. Today’s question comes from an anonymous reader who explained some of her background, but I simply printed the portion with her question:

The thing I am struggling with the most is my chest size. I have struggled with it my whole life due to unkind remarks from friends, boys, past boyfriends etc, but I felt pretty confident about myself until I found out about my husband’s issue [he previously confessed to a porn addiction] and it’s like it resurfaced worse than ever. I suddenly felt that I would never be sexy enough or as well endowed as them. I was so hurt because I felt like I wasn’t special enough to wait for when it came to his sexual desires. Thankfully, since then, my husband has gone above and beyond to set up boundaries in his life and to help me work through our previous issue so now I know this is mainly my insecurity.

Although, I do see him occasionally look at other women, I know in my heart that he isn’t “checking them out” and he will admit that he notices other attractive women but that he is not lusting after them like before. I struggle because when I see him look and if it happens to be another “chesty” woman I just want to cry or hide in a hole. I don’t even want to go to the beach with him and I just downright feel uncomfortable with myself. I am a small petite girl and it wouldn’t even be right if I had larger boobs but I still feel like I will never compare to these women or feel attractive enough to catch my husbands eye like they do. He tells me that I am the most beautiful woman to him and it’s like it doesn’t even register in my head because I don’t feel this way.

I don’t want to be ungrateful for the body God has given me and I don’t want to diminish the encouragement that my husband is giving me, but I just feel hurt and feel stuck. With posters of women and scantily clad women everywhere, I just want to be able to feel comfortable in my own skin and be able to accept my husband’s compliments and actually feel like he means it. My husband and I have thought that maybe I need professional help, but I don’t even know where to start to find someone to help me with body image. Any advice?

I need to confess at the start here that I was a very small-chested woman who had breast augmentation two years ago. If you want to read about my experience, I wrote about it with My Best Chest, My Best Chest – Part 2, and Thanks for the Mammaries. Just as this wife describes, my hubby repeated told me how beautiful I was to him, even when my nipples looked like teeny china cups on flat saucers. I got breast augmentation for me. Does my husband like it? Yes. But he liked me before too.

So do I think that all small-chested women should have breast surgery? No, of course not.

But whether it’s dissatisfaction with your small or sagging breasts, your thunder thighs, or your varicose veins, there are only two paths to dealing with a body image issue:

Change it OR

Learn to live with it.

The third option of whining and wallowing and belittling yourself is no option at all. It sucks to feel that way. It sucks for your husband to deal with you that way. And it doesn’t resolve anything.

Change it

This is an option for some. Now, for those who decry plastic surgery and other “fix it” solutions, I’d say it’s a matter of degree. We are typically okay with fixing something we genuinely view as abnormal, such as a sixth finger or super crooked teeth, but is a super flat chest abnormal? And what about enhancing something you just don’t like about yourself — like removing a mole or getting liposuction?

I gave my reasons in the above posts for why I made the plunge into plastic surgery. But I also gave some warnings. Surgery is a big stinkin’ deal and shouldn’t be entered into lightly. Even smaller medical procedures can cause unforeseen issues.

Any time you consider making a permanent change to your body, you need to ask some serious questions about why you want to do so. If you are trying to live up to an unrealistic ideal — especially one created by fashion magazines or pornography — you need to change your ideal, not your body. If you are in the midst of other stressful circumstances, you may be looking toward changing your body as a one-stop solution for your ills, and believe me, it isn’t. If it’s just to feel more beautiful, then you may need to reconsider how beautiful you already are.

I don’t have problems with people who choose this route. I obviously chose it, but I did so cautiously, prayerfully, and for myself, not so my husband could have more than a mouthful. Most husbands are quite happy with their wife’s body, even if our imperfections stand out to us.

Learn to live with it

I don’t even like that I used that phrase. It’s more like, “Learn to revel in the beauty of your body as it is!” Yes, so much better.

Now how do you do that? Several ways.

Learn what beauty means to God. Psalm 139:13 says, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” You were stitched together by the Almighty God. You are a beautiful daughter of the King . . . which makes you a princess. Move over, Cinderella!

Proverbs 31:30 says, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” God talks about making the nation Israel beautiful in Ezekiel 16:14: “And your fame spread among the nations on account of your beauty, because the splendor I had given you made your beauty perfect, declares the Sovereign Lord.” And 1 Peter 3:3-5 admonishes us that “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”

Feeling worthwhile, beautiful, valuable starts from knowing who we are as God’s daughters. Of course, the Bible is not unaware that men like beautiful women. God used Esther’s beauty to His purposes, capitalizing on the king’s desire to look upon a physically appealing woman to save His people.

Yet, I have a feeling that Esther was especially gorgeous not merely because she had supermodel looks. Maybe the king couldn’t put his finger on what was so appealing about her, but she held herself not just as the wife of a king but a daughter of The King.

Now we ladies can know all of this intellectually, but unless it sinks in, these are just words on a page. When you have a thought about being lacking as a woman, bring out a verse that reminds you who you are in God’s eyes. Replace negative self-talk with your Holy Father’s perspective of you.

Over time, you will come to see that you are God’s handiwork (Ephesians 2:10). And believe me, God doesn’t make stick figures (like I do). He makes beautiful women, in all sizes and styles.

Learn what beauty means to your husband. Psalm 45 is a royal wedding song. In it, the bride is told to “Let the king be enthralled by your beauty.” What is this beauty? We aren’t told specifically. It’s assumed that the king thinks his bride is gorgeous . . . or he wouldn’t want to marry her, right?

Most husbands are enthralled by their wives’ beauty. Some of you ladies might be surprised how often I hear from husbands who say that their wives don’t like their own bodies but the husbands adore them.

What’s particularly appealing to men is that we women are different. Our bodies don’t look like theirs. Women are softer, curvier, and have parts they don’t have. If you have a nice little molehill for your nipple to sit on, that’s still rather intriguing to hubby. And when he touches, licks, or kisses it, and you go a little crazy, well . . . husbands think that’s awesome!

If your husband says you’re the most beautiful woman in the world to him, believe it — especially if his other actions toward you demonstrate his love. In this reader’s instance, the husband’s confession, boundaries, and investment show a commitment to the marriage.

Proverbs 5:18-19 says, “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer — may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” It does not say, “may her big breasts satisfy you always.” That’s not part of the deal. That the wife is loving, graceful, and has breasts seems to be the point here. Why not be satisfied and intoxicated?

Like the Lover in Song of Songs 2:2 chose his Beloved, your husband chose you: “Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the young women.” When you doubt that you are beautiful to him, don’t ask, “Am I pretty?” “Are my breasts okay?” “Am I as pretty as so-and-so?” Ask your husband what he likes about your body. Make it a positive sexy moment for him to remind you what is beautiful to him.

Learn what beauty means to you. Make yourself feel better and more confident by dressing and presenting yourself in sexy ways. Find clothes that fit well and play up your best parts, including lingerie. Set up the lighting and environment in your bedroom in an appealing way. Maybe discover which sexual positions make you feel more sexy and give your husband an eyeful of your good stuff. Learn to walk into the bedroom with good posture and confidence. Do those things that make you feel pretty, like taking a bubble bath, getting or giving yourself a pedicure, or wearing sassy panties.

It’s okay to spruce yourself up a little. We shouldn’t rest on outward adornment for our sense of value, but you can find numerous examples in the scriptures of women making an effort to appeal to their men. Naomi even coached Ruth in getting a husband by telling her to “Wash, put on perfume, and get dressed in your best clothes” (Ruth 3:3). Not bad advice.

Ultimately, the fix for not feeling good about yourself is to do positive things to be attractive and to replace negative self-talk with positive truths.

I would love to hear from other wives who have struggled with body image and how they positively changed their viewpoint.

“My beloved spoke and said to me,

‘Arise, my darling,

my beautiful one, come with me.'”

Song of Songs 2:10

He Doesn’t Wanna, But I Do! Be the Brownie

Arrow up (his & her drive)Last Monday, I began to tackle the subject of He Doesn’t Wanna, But I Do! Help for Higher Drive Wives. This post was in response to several reader questions about what to do when the wife wants to get it on more than the hubby does. (Okay, okay, I hear all of you jealous husbands wondering what is wrong with these men.)

The reality is that about 1/4 of the time, the wife is the higher-desire spouse. In fact, it’s the secret that never gets discussed because:

1. What husband wants to admit he isn’t a normal, sex-craving man?

2. Wives who express their desire for more sex are often shut down by other wives with statements like, “I wish my husband would lay off” or even “You’re lucky.”

3. We tend to discuss all topics from the point of view of the “typical.” Don’t believe me? Read a parenting book. If only my kid was the “average,” my child would have slept through the night within weeks, stayed in time-out after three tries, and potty-trained at age two. But no person or marriage is “average” or “normal” in every way, and some marriages have a higher-desire wife.

But today, we are talking about it here. Last week, I covered Internal Factors that might affect a husband’s lack of interest in sex and gave some tips for bringing up the subject without starting a wildfire in your home.

A few of you said that he won’t listen no matter what. If that’s your situation, here’s my advice: Stop talking about it. “Wait!” you say, “How are we going to solve the problem if we can’t even address it?” I’m not saying to stop addressing it, I’m saying to stop addressing it with words. If the subject is so volatile in your house, you both need time to diffuse. Lay off for a while — 3-6 months maybe. In the meantime, communicate — but not with words.

For both those marriages where the husband will listen and the husband won’t, there are external factors that might increase your mate’s interest in sex. As I stated last time, I eat when I’m hungry (internal) and when someone places a brownie in front of me (external). By the way, you church potluck cooks are brutal with the brownies! Too many, too chocolaty, too delicious.

Anyway. While talking with your spouse can help reveal and address internal factors, you can also influence your husband externally. Let’s take a look at this approach.

EXTERNAL FACTORS

Your words and actions can be external factors (like brownies) that make him more likely to want to have sex (eat). You want to be the kind of wife that would draw a husband closer. In essence, you want to Be the Brownie.

Brownie

“Be the Brownie.”
Photo credit: Microsoft Word Clip Art

Note that I say be a particular kind of person, not just look sexy, throw yourself at your husband, etc. I’ve heard some suggest that the way to get an uninterested husband’s sexual attention is to don a lace teddy and stilettos, call him “Big Boy,” and offer to live out some sexual fantasy.

Hey, I’m not opposed to such things, but they are the toppings not the cake. You might get a guy to have sex with you by looking like a Cosmo cover, but that’s not marital intimacy. Ultimately, you want a sex life with substance and intimacy, so you have to invest in the relationship cake before you add a little icing.

Moreover, you can end up feeling worse if you decorate your bedroom like a love den, put on candles and music, show up in your sexiest get-up, and he ignores you or outright refuses you. You don’t want to end that night with him snoring and you dripping tears into your pillow as you wonder what’s wrong with you.

Let me help you out with that issue too: There’s almost certainly nothing wrong with you. Some of the couples I know who have amazing sex lives are people who would never get a call from a modeling agency or were poster people for the geek club in high school. It’s a fallacy to think that rock stars and Victoria’s Secret models are the ones with high sex drives and satisfaction. Maybe, maybe not. Most wives don’t need to look like Jessica Rabbit to get their hubbies hopping. The problem most likely lies within your husband.

But getting back to the subject at hand, how can you “Be the Brownie”?

Invest in the friendship. Sheila Gregoire has pointed this out well in her book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. You want to be the kind of wife your husband wants to be around generally and then you can move toward being together sexually. When the relationship is stressed, it is harder for most people to engage willingly and become vulnerable in the bedroom.

Do everything in your power (knowing that it doesn’t all rest with you) to be an appealing person to spend time with. Are you a nagging person? Do you disrespect him with your words or your body language? Is your home always a place of tension or mayhem? What negative issues might you need to address?

Have you forgotten how to play and laugh with one another? Do you make time for a date night — even if it’s hot cocoa and conversation on the couch after the kids have gone to bed? Do you ask about his job, his interests, his friendships, and then listen and support his answers? Do you find activities that you both enjoy to do together?

You spouse may be more willing to discuss the issues and/or engage with you physically if he feels accepted and valued emotionally in the relationship. Make sure you haven’t neglected this area. You want him to be your friend, right? Be his friend too.

Focus on affection. While friendship is an important aspect of marriage, sexless marriages often look like roommate arrangements with friends. I don’t know about you, but I have friends who would make easier roommates than my husband. Some of my girlfriends can cook like Paula Deen, aim at the toilet more successfully, would watch chick flicks with me, etc., and I’d never have to clean facial hair out of the sink again. But I didn’t get married simply for a roommate. I want the other goodies too.

But even if you aren’t getting the main event, you can get more than you would from a roomie. I don’t snuggle with my BFF, but I do with my husband. Physical affection is a precursor to more intimate physical affection. Hold hands, kiss (check out my post on kissing), hug, stroke him lovingly, etc. All without expectation of it leading to the bedroom.

The paradox is that ongoing physical affection without the expectation of sexual reward more often leads to sexual reward (see Must It Always Lead to Sex?). Moreover, an embrace lasting longer than 20 seconds can cause a release of Oxytocin — the body’s bonding chemical which is also released by men at sexual climax. So that affection may begin to awaken the physical arousal side of your husband and introduces loving touch in a low pressure context.

Engage in skin-to-skin contact. Beyond simple physical affection, try to engage in skin-to-skin contact. There is something about having your skin brush up against your spouse’s that can tap into inner arousal. Go to bed wearing as little as possible without being obvious that you want sex. For instance, keep the lace teddy in the drawer, but wear a cotton cami and undies to bed. Play footsie under the table at breakfast. Offer to put lotion or oil on his tired muscles or give him a massage. Ask for lotion or a massage yourself. Whatever gets you touching each other may help to reawaken his natural desire for physical intimacy.

Change your timing. Some people struggle with feeling stressed or tired by nightfall and having enough energy for lovemaking. You might try the morning since a man’s testosterone levels are highest at that time of day, and men typically awaken with a “maintenance erection.” I know a couple who has sex like clockwork every Saturday morning; that happens to be the best time for them to engage. My hubby and I have found that an afternoon or early evening are often better for us. See if you have better results at a different time of day.


Once again, you can do all the “right things” and still have an uninterested spouse. Your sex life does not all depend upon you; your spouse must make the decision to engage. But be assured that I hear stories quite often of married couples who had poor sex lives for years and then a turn-around occurred and they are livin’ it up in their bedroom now. Those couples are glad they didn’t give up.

Also, if you are in a sexless marriage, you may reach the point of needing to invite intervention from a godly mentor. Your spouse does indeed have a duty to you and to the marriage (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). You are supposed to be “one flesh” — emotionally and physically. Once again, I turn to Sheila Gregoire who did a fabulous post on this: When Your Spouse Withholds Sex.

Are there guarantees? No. Is there hope? Absolutely. God desires you both to have a healthy, fulfilling intimacy, and He can redeem any situation (see The Gospel in the Bedroom and My Personal Testimony).

I know I have included a LOT of links in this post. But I’m happy to provide other resources if they might help, so here are a few more:

From Kentucky Colonel of A Grown Up Marriage: Wives Who Are Sexually Refused

From Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage: Wives Who Want More Sex and Aren’t Getting It

From Sheila Gregoire of To Love, Honor, and Vacuum: When Your Spouse Isn’t Interested in Sex: Communicating Your Needs

From Paul Byerly of The Generous Husband: High Drive, Low Drive: A Harmful Dichotomy

My thoughts and prayers are with you in your marriages.

He Doesn’t Wanna, But I Do! Help for Higher Drive Wives

Arrow up (his & her drive)Each Monday for a while, I will be responding to questions posed in my Q&A with J at HHH post. In the past couple of weeks, I received five comments from wives saying that they have a higher sex drive than their husbands. Rather than print the entirety of their comments here, this is the gist:

My husband thinks I am crazy cause I have a much higher sex drive than him!! What can I do to help him be more relaxed about sex and to get his sex drive up?

My sex drive is up the wall compared to him. . . He thinks I’m sex crazed and most times I think there’s something wrong with me . . .

Yes Yes, please help us wives who are the higher drive partner.

My husband and I are having a problem in our sex life. I think it’s serious, and he thinks it’s no big deal. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he gets very angry at me, and it causes him to close up and not talk about it. I am a very sexual person, and [he] really doesn’t put very much importance on it . . . he makes me feel dirty for wanting it . . .

I yearn for him at night, and during the day I just stare lustfully at my husband. Wondering why he doesn’t want it as much as I do? I’m frustrated.

I have covered this topic some in previous posts: 

She Wants, He Doesn’t Want – A look at why your husband may not want sex

Wives Want Sex Link-Up – A link fest with other marriage bloggers’ thoughts

Sheila Gregoire of To Love, Honor, and Vacuum also has a relevant post today on How a Marriage Changes.

Today, I want to talk about how to biblically and practically approach the issue with your husband.

Let me start with this gem: You cannot change your spouse. 

Hey, don’t blame me. I wasn’t the one who created free will. 

But it’s true. You cannot make your spouse have sex with you. The transformation in your husband must come from him.

There are, however, internal and external factors that influence our decisions. For instance, I eat when I feel hungry (internal) and when someone puts a brownie in front of my face (external). Don’t judge me. I won’t eat unless I make a decision to, but things happening in and around me impact my choices.

INTERNAL FACTORS

Internal factors are what’s going on inside your husband. Internal factors may include:

  • issues (past or present) with pornography that distort his perception of sexuality
  • low testosterone
  • depression
  • a history of sexual abuse
  • stress from job or other responsibilities
  • guilt from prior promiscuity
  • a lack of self-confidence

Like your spouse’s hunger, you cannot control these things, but you can help him identify what’s happening. However, we often choose the worst ways to get him to recognize the problem:

  • nagging
  • pleading
  • demanding
  • shoving information and research in his face
  • sharing the story of your cousin or your friend’s husband
  • over-the-top crying
  • quoting scripture at him
  • threatening
  • giving ultimatums
  • saying “If you loved me, you’d . . . “

These tactics make conversation unpleasant and tense, and many husbands will run from that faster than the Roadrunner from Wile E. Coyote.

Yet 1 Corinthians 7:4-5a says: “The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.” That verse indicates that it’s a sin to deprive one another; the Bible commands us not to. So how can we gently point out that sin?

Consider Matthew 7:12: “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you . . .” If a husband is struggling with depression, a pornography addiction, past abuse, or whatever, he doesn’t want to be slammed on the head with what else is wrong with him. But he does need to deal with the issues. So you need to ask how to best create a safe environment in which the two of you can openly discuss your marital intimacy.

Find a good place and time to talk. Here’s a hint: The worst place is in the bedroom and the worst time is after you’ve offered sex and he’s declined. Choose a time when you are not sexually charged or feeling particularly hurt. Get away from the house even, although make sure you are in a private setting. Keep your clothes on. Men often talk more easily shoulder-to-shoulder than face-to-face, so try a fishing trip, golfing, a nature hike, touring a sculpture garden — whatever suits your fancy and his.

Don’t make statements. Ask questions.

  • How do you think our marriage is going overall?
  • Growing up, who were your role models for marriage? How do you think they influenced you?
  • What do you wish you had done differently before marriage regarding sexuality? What are you glad you did right?
  • What did you think our sex life would be like before we married?
  • What would you like our sex life to be like?
  • How frequently would you like to make love?
  • What turns you on? What turns you off?
  • How can I be a better lover to you?

Now don’t grill the poor guy. This isn’t the Spanish Inquisition where you expect him to recant his heresy and adopt your doctrine on the spot. Choose a question or two at a time and let the conversation unfold. It may take several outings and weeks or even months to get to the heart of the problems. But you aren’t simply gathering information. You are demonstrating by your attitude and approach that you are a trustworthy confidante regarding this topic and want the best for both of you.

Adopt a “we,” not a “me,” attitude. Whatever his issue is, treat it as a WE problem. Even if he had brought some problem into the marriage, it is yours to tackle together. You are married — one flesh. Indeed, he could return that favor if someday you struggle with hormonal issues or depression that affects your own libido. Assure him that whatever the issue is, you aren’t there to wave it around in front of him. You want to be the helper that God described in Genesis 2:18.

Express your desire for intimacy, not just frequency. No one likes to be used. Which is one of the reasons why a lower drive spouse can react like prodded cobra when the higher drive spouse says they want more sex. They may not feel loved so much as used to meet a physical need.

Of course, you know and I know that’s not the reality. If you only wanted to release sexual tension, you could get that done without engaging your husband. Sex, however, is a physical expression of closeness and also fosters closeness between you. Focus your discussion on how you desire to engage with your husband in intimacy because you desire that closeness.

Ask for a win-win. Ask your husband to help you find a win-win solution that is not merely a compromise but meets both parties’ needs and desires. You may require a mediator to find that win-win. Perhaps he’ll agree to meet a few times with a counselor or your pastor and brainstorm ways for both of you to get what you want out of your intimacy.

Pray. Cover every step with prayer. And don’t make it, “Dear God, Please change my husband from being a selfish, ignorant jerk to a sweet, passionate lover. Amen.”

Pray for your husband to have the delight of sex with you. Pray for you to delight in him. Pray for you to reach accord. Pray the scripture itself when words fail you, and when they don’t. For instance, pray Proverbs 5:18-19. Here’s my translation: “Dear God, I pray that my husband’s fountain will be blessed, that he will find reasons to rejoice in me and our marriage. I pray that he will see me as loving and graceful and that my breasts will always satisfy him. I pray that he will become intoxicated by my love.” Can I get an “Amen”?

So do my suggestions place the burden on you? Um, yeah. Remember how you can’t change your spouse? The person you can control is YOU! You have to decide to take that deep breath, commit to being the best wife you can be, and do what you can to create a more intimate marriage. In the end, if you did 90% of the instigating, but you both are 100% satisfied with a fabulous marriage and sex life in the future, you’ll be fine with that.

Now I would love to address the External Factors, but I was told that my word count is not allowed to rival the IRS Tax Code — at least not in a single blog post. So rather than give terse treatment to the remainder of this subject, I’ll come back next week with more! Here’s the teaser for next Monday’s post: How to Be the Brownie.

Oral Sex: How To

Here’s a glimpse at my internal conversation while preparing for this post:

Self 1: I should do a post on giving blow jobs.

Self 2: What are you going to say about blow jobs?

Self 1: You know, a how to.

Self 2: You’re going to describe how to give a blow job? Are you crazy!

Self 1: Some wives might want a little coaching.

Self 2: Are you actually going to call it a “blow job”?

Self 1: That’s what everyone calls it.

Self 2: How about “fellatio”?

Self 1: If I call it fellatio, no one will know what I’m talking about.

Self 2: How about “the thing that must not be named.”

Self 1: Isn’t that Voldemort from Harry Potter?

Self 2: Your brain is too distracted.

Self 1: Not when I’m giving a blow job. I’m really focused then.

Self 2: So that you don’t choke?

Self 1: Well, yeah. And because it’s kinda hot. You know, “his fruit is sweet to my taste,” from Song of Songs?

Self 2: So you’re actually going to talk about this in public?

Self 1: Um, maybe.

Self 2: Well, if you do, don’t take me down with you.

Self 1: “Take me down with you.” That’s funny.

Self 2: *rolls eyes*

Wonder Woman: "Oh No, you DIDN'T!"

Oh yes, I did.

I have indeed wondered for some time if there is a way to discuss this topic and give advice without getting way too private and graphic. I had the benefit of receiving some tips from a friend many years back, and they were quite helpful. I could have learned that on my own, with coaching from my husband, but it made trying oral sex with him a much better experience from the get-go.

I doubt that some wives have access to that kind of information. Moreover, sources that describe how to give a “blow job” usually do not have a Christian perspective and may use photography or graphic images. Perhaps some have learned how to from watching a porn film.

Here’s the truth: I have never seen a porn film. I put it in the ranks of heroin. I don’t need to try it to know I don’t need to try it.

The point is, some husbands would like their wives to “go down” on them. Some wives would be willing to give it a shot or want to try it again. Some of those wives feel that they don’t know what to do or how to do it. So here I go. I will give a short How To lesson on giving a blow job. Warning: If you do not want to read blatant advice about this topic, click away now.

Do you really blow? No. Please do not treat your husband’s opening like the end of a balloon and attempt to inflate it with your breath. I have no idea why it is called a blow job. There’s no blowing that I know of. A blow job is merely the slang term for a woman inserting a man’s penis into her mouth. What happens after that determines whether it is a good blow job or a lame one.

Male genitals illustration

How much of his penis do I put in my mouth? It can vary. You can put your mouth only around the head of the penis, move your mouth over the shaft, or even deep-throat your husband’s penis (see below). This isn’t about swallowing your husband. It’s about providing oral stimulation to his sensitive genital area. While providing oral stimulation, you will need to breathe mostly through your nose.

What do I do with my mouth? We’ve established that you don’t blow, but you do kiss, lick, and suck with your lips and tongue. The tongue, in fact, can be very important in stimulation. These can be small licks around the ridge, head, and tip, or longer licks up and down the shaft of the penis to the head. With the penis inside your mouth, you can also pump your tongue a little to increase pressure. Sucking also increases the pressure, especially as you move your mouth up and down his penis. You can add add your hand to the mix; that is, simultaneously use your hand(s) to provide slight pressure and a different feel as your mouth works. This is going to sound super-weird, but for the first time out, imagine the head of the penis as an ice cream cone and the shaft as a fudgsicle. That might help a little.

Where does it feel best for him? The greatest concentration of nerve endings is in the head of a man’s penis. While stimulating the shaft also feels good, the ridge between the shaft and head, the head itself, and the tip are all more sensitive. Licking, sucking, and oral pressure in that area will likely feel particularly good. That said, you can’t just hang out there doing the same thing over and over. The best sex involves variation, and that goes for oral sex as well.

What is “deep-throating”? To deep throat during a blow job means to put the penis so far into your mouth that the head makes contact with your throat. The throat is a tighter space and can provide more pressure and friction. Here’s some advice if you want to give it a try: Open your throat and widen your mouth to an aperture larger than your husband’s penis so that you can continue to breathe around it. Also, don’t expect to stay in that position for long. You can throat the tip and then move back out. The motion may feel better to your husband anyway.

Should I spit or swallow? Some women do not want semen in their mouth, period — either because they do not want to waste the sperm (a principle in Catholicism, I believe) or because they are simply repulsed by the thought of this liquid in their mouth. If you are one of them, you need to make sure that you pull your mouth away well in advance. If your husband reaches the “point of no return,” he will begin ejaculation whether your mouth is there or not.

If you are willing to allow his ejaculate into your mouth, then you have to figure out what to do. First, you should know that swallowing semen is not in any way harmful to your body. Second, you might ask whether it would offend you if your husband gave you oral sex but made a big deal about disliking your lubrication. Third, if you don’t want to swallow, be polite about spitting. Have a cup handy on the night table or somewhere nearby, hold the liquid in your mouth, and then spit it into the cup. You can always go to the bathroom to brush your teeth and/or use mouthwash to clear out the taste. For those willing to swallow, the consistency and taste of semen can vary; its consistency is maybe like a beaten egg but it tastes sweet to salty. If you’re worried about your waistline, semen contains vitamins, sodium, and fructose and ranges between 5 to 25 calories — hardly a diet killer.

What if I give my husband a blow job, and I don’t like it? Will I have to do it again? There is NO rule that you must have oral sex as part of an intimate relationship. Plenty of sexually satisfied couples do not engage in it. That said, I suggest that you ask yourself what you didn’t enjoy about the experience. Did you dislike certain sensations? Did your jaw hurt? (It might.) Is the problem something that could be adjusted the next time around? If you genuinely do not want to engage in this activity in the future, tell your husband. Try not to say something like, “That was so yuck!” He may take it personally that you don’t want to make oral contact with his manhood. You can simply explain that you felt very uncomfortable and that you prefer other activities as part of your sex life. You might even suggest one. Perhaps you don’t want to perform fellatio, but you are willing to do strip-tease for him or introduce an appropriate sex toy or give him a hand job.

How can my husband help to make this a positive experience? I would say the first caveat is that you should be allowed to remain in control of your mouth. That is, if you need to pull away and take a break, then he should understand that. In a moment of extreme pleasure, a man might want to hold his wife’s head and pull her mouth into him. This often isn’t a good idea; men are stronger than they sometimes realize, and this action can make it difficult for the woman to control the motions in such a way that she remains comfortable throughout. Another point is that husbands should communicate what feels good. He can either talk you through it or make happy noises when you’ve hit a really great spot. You can even talk ahead of time so that he can show you on his penis where his most pleasurable places are. You can discuss how it felt afterward so that you know what worked best and what he might like next time. Finally, he can affirm you. A constant for many women is that we like to be appreciated when we go out of our way to do something. Well, here’s an opportunity for a husband to say nice things about his wife for her willingness to focus the sexual experience on his pleasure. (Note: Some wives also get a lot of pleasure from giving blow jobs.)

For those of you who now need to want that image out of your heads, imagine this in your mouth instead:

chocolate cake

Photo credit: Microsoft Word Clip Art

So as nervous as I am to now open the floor, what do you think? Are any of these tips helpful? Do you have any of your own? (Note: I do moderate comments. You may wish to read my Comments standards.) Do you like or dislike oral sex? Have you even tried it?

Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest
is my lover among the young men.
I delight to sit in his shade,
and his fruit is sweet to my taste.

–Songs of Songs 2:3

Note: If your husband has a sexually-transmitted disease or you are worried he may have one, then you should not perform oral sex on him since STDs can spread with oral-genital contact.

Link: For a discussion on whether oral sex is okay in God’s eyes, see Intimacy in Marriage’s post on Genuine Dialogue Among Christians about Oral Sex.