Tag Archives: premarital sex

Why Wait Until Marriage?

Pedestrian crosswalk sign (wait)

Hold up there! Benoît Prieur (Aga), via Wikimedia Commons

This is a unusual for me, but rather than writing a post on why you should wait to have sex in marriage, I’m referring you to sources that discuss this topic. However, all four of these relate to me.

First, Preengaged from Eric and Heather Viets asked me to do a couple of guest blog posts for their site. Eric and Heather offer pre-engagement counseling, and their posts are particularly good for couples who are dating, engaged, or recently married. That said, I’ve been married a looooong time, and I get a lot of out reading what they discuss as well.

Back in August, I did a two-part article for their blog on Sex Before Marriage. I discussed eight reasons why it isn’t a good idea.

Sex Before Marriage, Part 1

Sex Before Marriage, Part 2

Second, another wonderful marriage resource is the Stupendous Marriage Show (which I’ve mentioned here before). Stu and Lisa Gray host this podcast and cover all kinds of marriage topics. In their program, they admitted to having lived together before getting hitched and said that they wished they had done it differently. Out of curiosity, I sent them the following email:

Stu & Lisa,

I have a question. You have mentioned several times on your Stupendous Marriage show that you lived together before marriage; however, you said that would do it differently if given the chance to do it over again. My question is: Why?

Is it merely the conviction that waiting until your wedding night would honor God more? Or do you think it hampered your relationship in some way? I know that studies show a higher divorce rate for those who have cohabited prior to marriage, but a lot of people still believe cohabitation is a good idea to try the waters out and get used to living with someone. What do you think?

Thanks so much for your ministry. It is a blessing to couples seeking stronger marriages.

J (Hot, Holy & Humorous)

They did an excellent job of answering this very question in Stupendous Marriage Episode 27. Stu and Lisa then followed up with more commentary after receiving feedback from a listener. That conversation is in Stupendous Marriage Episode 28.

As you may know, I blew it on this front. My Personal Testimony is at the top of this page if you want to click it and learn more. However, I have figured out that God really does know what He’s talking about: Sexual intimacy is worth waiting for.

One more addition, which has nothing to do with me: Sheila Gregoire of To Love, Honor and Vacuum recently posted Should We Really Wait for Marriage to Make Love? Sheila has a lot of sound advice for women and marriage.

I’m also guest posting today at the Mystery 32 Blog on What’s So Beautiful about Marital Intimacy?

Sex Is Like Rose-Colored Glasses

There are plenty of reasons why sex should remain within marriage.  Sure, there are the traditional arguments of unwed pregnancy, STDs, and getting a “reputation” (whatever that means these days).  I agree that those are problems, but relational impact is a more persuasive argument.

For instance, here’s something I’ve noticed:  Love is blind. Okay, I’m not the first one to come up with that, but there is truth to it.  Think about some girlfriend who was arm-locked, lip-locked, and body-locked to some stud and thought her boyfriend was to the male race what Dale Earnhardt was to the car race.  The rest of you were scratching their heads, wondering what you missed, and generally wanting to slap her until she woke up and discovered that she was dating a character from a slapstick comedy.  I blame sex.

When your man kisses you, strokes you, beds you, and makes you sing like Madeline Kahn in Young Frankenstein, you forgive a lot.  Somehow, in the midst of foreplay, orgasm, and afterglow, we’re not thinking about the $200 he blew on video games last weekend, the embarrassing way he yelled at our child’s soccer game, or the fact that he cannot seem to understand that you need twelve pairs of black shoes because they’re all different!

When you’re married, that’s a good thing.  We need some balance to all the irritating habits our spouses have and the mistakes they make.  According to the acclaimed Gottman Relationship Institute, you need five positive interactions with your spouse to counteract one negative experience.

Photo of couple kissing, with red tint

Pic credit: Microsoft Word Clip Art, altered

Sex can be one of those positives!  It’s like donning rose-colored glasses.  In marriage, our spouses need to look a little rosier than they are to keep things in positive perspective.  Frankly, I want to look much rosier to my hubby than I really am!  (Not to mention 10 years younger, a few inches thinner, etc.)  So I’m happy to ease those rose-colored glasses of sexiness onto my husband’s eyes and have him ignore the pork tenderloin I burned, the way I nagged him to mow the lawn by claiming I had lost our children in the grass stalks, and the fact that I snore and drool at times.

But before you walk down the aisle, you need to see EVERYTHING without fogged-over lenses.  This is not the time to claim that ignorance is bliss.  It ain’t!  Plenty of married people wish they had paid attention more when dating.  It might not have changed their decision to step up and say “I do,” but they would have been more prepared.

Hold off on the sex until you know this guy backwards and forwards — every personal flaw, character quirkiness, and family issue that he has.  Make sure you know he’s going to stick around for the long haul.  Approach your marriage with eyes WIDE OPEN (and legs shut).

My fashion advice is that rose-colored glasses go best with a white wedding gown and a golden ring.  Or maybe that black lace teddy you received at the bridal lingerie shower where you couldn’t make eye contact with your mother.  (Who invited her?!)  As soon as the honeymoon is over, those rose-colored glasses will come in handy.  I’m wearing a pair right now, and my husband looks terrific!