Newsflash, Hubbies! She Loves Foreplay.

I aim my blog primarily at wives. But this post is for the hubbies. Still, I’m hoping you wives will read along and let me know if you agree.

Guys, maybe you think that headline is not a newsflash. You already knew that about women. But have you really thought it through lately? How much focusing on the foreplay itself matters to your wife?

We wives are not stupid. We know you really like the main event. And since many men are goal-oriented by nature, it’s no surprise that plenty of husbands view foreplay as a means to an end. They see foreplay like the pre-game festivities before the kickoff and all that scoring happens.

Newsflash, Hubbies! She Loves Foreplay.

Even if the husband is incredibly wonderful at foreplay, like the Foreplay King, a wife can often sense when her husband is showing affection or pleasuring her so that he can move onto the good stuff.

But here’s the thing: To us, foreplay is the good stuff.

Not that sex isn’t good stuff too. But affection, flirting, foreplay, and sex are jumbled up together in one big, beautiful, ribbon-wrapped package. They all communicate desire and intimacy.

It’s why the one tip I’ve given husbands over and over is to slow down. Let her enjoy the full experience. And hey, you should enjoy the full experience too.

Frankly, I think we understood this better long before we were married. Can you remember back to the days when just touching a breast sounded like a dream come true? When you couldn’t wait to “cop a feel” or see her in her underwear? How about the wonder of the first time she touched you down there? In a way, those lead-up events were the event. Your nerves certainly felt some delicious tingles and satisfaction with those experiences.

Why is it we often get further into marriage and stop appreciating those moments? Have you neglected to spend the time you should on simply savoring one another’s bodies?

Maybe you need a few reminders or tips on what kind of foreplay you wife would love. Here are some ideas:

Speaking softly and longingly. Are words foreplay? I think they can be. Move close and whisper expressions of love and desire. Tell her she’s beautiful, how much she means to you, and how much you long to be “one flesh” with her. You can be as serious or as playful as you want, but express your sexual longing through sensual words.

Make out. Yes, like teenagers on the living room couch. When’s the last time you smooched just for the sake of smooching? Kiss her lips, sure, but kiss her neck, behind her ears, down her shoulders — anywhere that she likes.

Undress her slowly. Take your sweet time unbuttoning her shirt, sliding her dress off her body, inching her panties down her legs. Draw out this unveiling and make an effort to closely eye and appreciate every inch of your wife’s beautiful form. We know when you’re looking at us like you’ve ravenous wolves or art connoisseurs, so aim for the latter, please.

Touch her whole body, not just the goodies. I will contend until the day I die that one of the sexiest things about my husband is his manly hands. His touch is like no other to me. I suspect your wife appreciates your touch too, when it’s applied in a loving way. Stroke her body slowly and gently — her arms, legs, back, torso. Just make sure you spend time on other places before you move to the goodies, like her breasts and down below. Since her curves are different from yours and her skin is softer, you might find that you really enjoy this extended touching time too.

Pleasure her to orgasm. What foreplay your wife responds to is something you’ll need to figure out. Her breasts might be a major erogenous zone. Or she might love you giving her manual play with your hands and fingers. Perhaps she wants you to give her oral sex. Find out what she likes and then go to town. Downtown, that is. Stimulate her all the way to orgasm. This might take some time, and it might not even happen this time. But if you make unbelievable pleasure for her your goal, it should feel good to her regardless.

You don’t have to do all of these every time. But think about how you can really focus on foreplay and what that would mean to your wife. Wouldn’t that convey that you value her body and her pleasure? Not just what she can provide you and your climax?

Of course, I hope your wife comes through the bedroom door with the same attitude. Attending to each other’s needs and desires makes for a better sexual encounter for both of you.

33 thoughts on “Newsflash, Hubbies! She Loves Foreplay.

  1. libl

    Yes! Ok, now hubby and I were 3rd basers while dating. I know it wasn’t right, but it happened and it does offer insight into things.

    We got married and 1st-3rd base disappeared. I talked with hubby (meaning we had a huge argument) about it, and basically it came down to now that we are married and home runs are allowed, he doesn’t feel the need to muck about the other bases. He only did it during dating because it was all he had.

    Now that we are older, and his sex drive is affected by illness, so it takes more to get him going, foreplay is coming back.

    I have seen men spend hours cleaning a favorite gun. They take it apart piece by piece, carefully cleaning and polishing. They rub it down slowly with special oils and reassemble it with precision. Then they admire their work and know the gun will fire safely and be the envy of the gun range. But heaven forbid they treat their wives with similar consideration and time.

    Don’t use the excuse that she married you and ought to have sex with you to skip the good stuff.

    Reply
    1. Corey

      My wife is not able to have children, so sex is always a struggle, like once every 3-6 months. I LOVE foreplay, from sexy clothing to touch, but she doesn’t. If we do it, its missionary and that’s it. I’ve asked about games, Fore play, or even setting. But she is not interested. She doesn’t even like talking about sex. Suggestions please!

      Reply
      1. J Post author

        Your wife has to deal with the underlying issue. Ultimately, sex is not just about reproduction. I wonder what kind of teaching she has received and how sexual intimacy makes her reflect on her emotional pain. I would suggest you gently encourage her to seek counseling with you, to grieve through this circumstance. And you and she need to study more about what sex means to a marriage.

        If you think about it, Sarah and Abraham were still going at it after many years and, she thought, no hope whatsoever of getting pregnant. She wasn’t continuing to make love with him because she expected a child. (She happened to get one, but that was God’s sovereign plan for a nation.) The point is: Sex is more than making babies. It’s intimacy between husband and wife.

        Reply
  2. Marc White

    J,

    Yes and yes…and…yes. Praying that all your reading wives will let their husbands do so and loosen up to enjoy the foreplay too! And if you, husbands, have a wife who will let you do so…well…do so. God is simply amazing to give us this wonderful gift.

    Reply
  3. Greg

    Of course no idea what it’s like, but must admit am deeply in awe of God’s design both of women (the “art connoisseur” you spoke of”) and all the facets of intimacy itself, when genuine love and desire are mutual in marriage.

    Great post!

    Reply
  4. Jim

    I wish my wife would let me enjoy her body. I’d like to go slowly and savor her, but I always get the feeling that she wants me to hurry up and get it over with.

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      Do you know why? Some wives are uncomfortable because of their misconceptions about sex or self-consciousness about their own bodies.

      Reply
      1. Jim

        Yes, she has body-image issues, but after 38+ years of me telling her how attractive she is, I think she finally believes that I like her body. She can’t understand why, but she accepts that I do. I know she loves me, but she has lost all interest in sex, and most other forms of physical affection, too. She “accommodates” me and lets me pleasure her once a month or so, and she is willing to pleasure me (or snuggle with me while I pleasure myself) at least once a week. I know she is stressed at work and is usually tired, but it didn’t used to be like this. She has started some bio-identical hormones and adrenal therapy, but it hasn’t helped her libido yet. I’m still hoping it will eventually. At least she is trying.

        Reply
        1. J Post author

          Trying is a good place to be. She understands it’s an issue she needs to address. Stay on her team as y’all figure this out. I ache for you, because I want you both to experience the best your marriage bed has to offer. But sometimes our bodies do get thrown for a loop, and it takes time to figure things out. Blessings!

          Reply
      2. D

        Do you have any tips then, J, for men who would love to take the time to savour and enjoy and bring pleasure to our wives, but whose partner doesn’t even like the word “foreplay?”

        Reply
        1. J Post author

          Sounds like I need to cover that. I suspect your wife has issues with sex generally, right? Because sometimes those women just want to get things over with. In which case, it’s best to discover the root cause of her reluctance. Bad teaching on sex? Abuse from her past? Exhaustion and stress? Body image issues? Solving the underlying problem might open her up to the feast of delights the marriage bed holds.

          Reply
          1. libl

            Just a thought. I am very pro sex in marriage and want foreplay, but I noticed something. The other day, hubby blessed me with some rare sexy foreplay….and I tensed up! My dreams were coming true and what was going on in my brain? “I should have shaved better. What if he doesn’t like it? Ugh, my boobs are so small, he must hate not having much to grab. Concentrate! I can’t get going! What are the kids doing? Concentrate! I wish he didn’t watch that video on YouTube. They blurred out the nudity, but I can’t compete. Concentrate!! My belly just jiggled! He saw it! That must have been a turn off. Ugh, my thighs could use some toning. How can he find me attractive after seeing all those photoshopped, fit women everywhere you look. Concentrate!! Ugh, I can’t do this. Being this vulnerable sucks. It hurts too much emotionally. I wish I knew that I knew that I knew that he was completely enthralled by me. Then, maybe I can let go and enjoy this.”

            We went on to have two more really great sexual encounters after all that, and it has been great, but wow! The tapes we women play, so many unbidden.

            I realized my deep seated need is to trust that I can be that open and vulnerable and not judged or compared. I want to know that he loves me for me, the good and the bad….that I am enough and he doesn’t have to supplement his sexuality with provocative YouTube videos.

            Another problem is how men treat women in the world. Every article on rape, every sexy pic shared and commented on social media, every dirty joke, sexual innuendo text, playboy magazine in the newsstand, wolf whistle, etc tears at even the strongest and most confident woman.

            While we ladies pray for God to protect our husbands from this sexually charged world, men pray for your wives and CAREFULLY watch your own conduct.

            She sees you check out the college skirt walking by, and some days she may laugh it off as just your being a guy, and other days it can rip her heart out no matter how she tries to convince herself otherwise.

            Our vulnerablity is a delicate and precious thing, perhaps more so than our raw sexuality, and it us a huge part in feeling that knowing and oneness we so desire to have with our husbands.

          2. B

            @libl, yes! I could not agree with you more!!! I wish husbands could understand this. It is so hard to enjoy time together when you are so concious of every single flaw you have and concentrating on how turned off he must be. When you lay there, wanting to be loved, but all you can think of is “who is he imagining this time?” And “will I ever be enough?” And “gee, I wonder what it would be like to be a wife who is desired?” I totally understand where you are coming from.

          3. J Post author

            I completely get that! But ultimately, husbands can’t change what’s going on in our brains — only influence us positively. It’s up to us gals to make the huuuuge effort of training our minds to focus on what really matters: “I belong to my beloved, and his desire is for me” (Song of Songs 7:10). Wishing you all the best, ladies!

  5. Eliza

    ‘Foreplay starts with ‘good morning beautiful’ ‘ is probably the best quote on foreplay I know!
    Basically,every interaction with your wife is foreplay! If I get some nice compliments, some hugs, kisses, even a shoulder squeeze, a thoughtful gesture or two, throughout the day, then I will be in a much more receptive and relaxed mood when it’s bed time!

    I know it’s hard to do that every day, but if we try our hardest to ‘let all we do be done with love’ then I think it will lead to much happier and more physically satisfying marriages for all!

    Reply
  6. Lynn

    It does help to have an older husband. He needs extra time, too. I like the ‘warm up’ and the ‘cool down’ better than the part in the middle, so I’m usually pretty happy if that goes by quickly.

    Reply
  7. Anonymous

    Ha. “We know when you’re looking at us like you’ve ravenous wolves or art connoisseurs, so aim for the latter, please.” Well stated.

    Thank you for posting this! It goes well with your recent post about foreplay for the hubby.

    Reply
  8. Aly

    Do you have some newsflash for wives ? Like I saw your post ” manual play for Her” but I didn’t find a “for Him”. I am constantly looking for ideas 🙂
    Thanks!

    Reply
  9. libl

    Wait….husbands can’t help what’s going on in their minds but we wives have to make huge efforts to change what is going on in ours??!!

    Could you explain?

    Reply
    1. J Post author

      No, no, no! What I said didn’t come across right, I guess. We influence each other. But neither spouse can control the other. So if you want to feel better, the best way to go about that is to make changes yourself. 😀

      Reply
  10. Paul Byerly

    Julie – All very good. However…
    Plenty of men also want more foreplay. I have men complainng she is all about getting it done, and this includes some women who can climax with very little foreplay as well as those who have no desire for orgasm.
    Is this an issue some or most marriages? Do many marriages have one person who is fine without foreplay, or does most marraiges have one spouse who wants more foreplay than the other?
    So maybe foreplay sould continue until BOTH are ready to move on?

    Reply
  11. libl

    Oops…I read it wrong. Sorry. 🙂

    Yes, I agree we need to make huge efforts as wives to take every thought captive, but it is harder to do when husbands aren’t that careful with guarding their eyes, and are slow to compliment their wife.

    Just as men are bombarded with sex, women are bombarded with you’re not good enough. If you don’t want us indulging in our bombardment, don’t indulge in yours.

    Reply
  12. GS

    It’s definitely not the case that it is always the husband who neglects this issue. In my marriage, I am the one who loves the foreplay such as erotic communication, slow undressing, passionate slow touching and long make out sessions, etc. And my wife has a high sex drive (she gets genuinely upset if we don’t make live *at least* twice per day) and is very secure about her body (which I give her a plethora of reason to be). She just tells me she likes jumping right into it because she’s too impatient (“hungry”) to wait for the main event. To me it is actually disappointing because I equally love the main event and the gradual passionate events leading up to it. I’d love to take my time enjoying every inch of her and could happily do this for hours (literally) before jumping into it. But as soon as I engage in any act of foreplay for even a couple minutes she’ll starting begging me for direct intercourse. Our sex drives are equal, and as I said I love the main event just as much, but it seems to only be a disappointment to me to be without the foreplay.

    Reply
    1. Sam

      I think I can honestly that I really struggle with jealousy over your awful plight I think most can also attest to that but God bless you with the stamina and true love to really meet her needs and eventually fine the extreme pleasure that I find in giving without getting. we find not even always having an orgasm can be super. Go for it

      Reply
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  14. Melvin

    Me and my wife covered the bases before we were married and once we got married I was just going for the home run derby. I’m so glad I came across this post! I’ve noticed that I’ve been lazy and have just done the bare minimum of foreplay and go straight to sex. I’ll work more on this.

    Reply

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