Inspiration can come from all kinds of places. This post, however, was completely inspired by Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage. You might want to start there by reading her post on 10 Confessions of a Wife Who Loves Sex.
Now here are my 10 Confessions from this wife who loves sex with her husband. (Thanks, God!)
1. We’re better lovers than we used to be. As we have grown in our relationship and our knowledge of one another’s bodies, and as we have learned to be more giving in the bedroom, we have become better lovers. My hubby knows how to push my happy buttons, and I know what he likes as well.
2. I enjoy initiating. We tend to trade off initiating without any plan to do so. Sometimes he thinks of it more or first, sometimes I do. But it makes the hubby feel like a million bucks to know I genuinely want him both emotionally and physically.
3. I like trying new things. By new, I mean a different position, a new place, a game, different lighting, etc. I have gotten some great ideas from reading blogs in this area and from my own quirky imagination.
4. Sometimes I think about sex during church. C’mon, you know sometimes your mind wanders right in the middle of a long sermon. Perhaps I’ve listened to everything the preacher has said when suddenly I glance over at my husband’s broad shoulders, the curve of his biceps, the sinewy muscles in his hands, and I want those hands on me. All over me. I take a deep breath, make plans for later in the day, and return my focus to the worship service.
5. I love using word play to flirt and set the stage for intimacy. The hubs and I joke quite a lot to suggest being intimate. We’ll refer to each other’s bodies in fun ways and use double entendres with abandon.
6. I feel like throwing a party every time I find another Christian wife who loves sex. There are lots of us, but not many willing to say aloud that they desire and enjoy God’s gift of sexuality. We’re like an underground movement, using code names, practicing secret knocks, and saying things like, “The peacock squawks at midnight.”
7. I struggle with wanting sex sometimes. As much as I love physical intimacy with my husband, I struggle with accepting his advances when he has been absent in other ways or just plain irritating. I have to take my own advice then and talk it out or suggest a better time. Rejection is hurtful and injures our relationship, and I want to grow love, not squash it.
8. I feel better about my body after sex. While it’s hard to get naked when you’re not entirely thrilled about your body, I allow myself to let go with my husband and enjoy our intimacy. In turn, I watch my husband revel in my body–which results in me feeling better about this body. It’s obviously not too bad if he wants it and enjoys it so much.
9. I like that my kids smile and roll their eyes when we touch. While kids may act embarrassed seeing their parents touch and kiss one another, they are secretly happy about it. Children get a sense of security when they see their parents expressing love. We are also role-modeling God’s design for marriage when we plant a sexy smackeroo on one another’s lips right in front of the younguns.
10. I have thought a lot about speaking publicly to other wives about enjoying sex. In fact, I have a presentation outline drafted. I want EVERY Christian wife to enjoy sex with her husband. My heart is that every wife will come to appreciate physical intimacy and experience it the way God intended.
But I don’t think that presenting my talk like this would be very compelling:
So I guess I’ll wait for the public speaking gig when I’m ready to reveal the face behind the blog.
Now it’s your turn to share! If you are a wife who enjoys sex, please share why and how you came to love it. Your story may inspire someone who has yet to experience the fullness of God’s gift of sexuality in her marriage.
Thanks, Julie, for the great idea!
Also, I had a guest post for Wifey Wednesday with Sheila Gregoire at To Love, Honor, and Vacuum. Check out that post here: What Comes First? Sex or Friendship? Thanks, Sheila.
Added on Friday: Also check out Lori’s addition to this topic with 10 Confessions from a Sex-Positive Wife on The Generous Wife blog.
I love your blog because I am another wife who loves sex. I am one of the only women I know who do (or will admit to it). I waited until I got married to have sex, so I think that may have something to do with it. I get so sad for my friends who complain about it, and for their husbands who have to hear their complaints. I love your advice, ideas, etc. and the Godly perspective behind it all. Keep it up! The church doesn’t address this area of marriage nearly enough (or marriage itself for that matter!) Thanks for sharing your heart and passion with us!
Thanks, SH! I do think that waiting can help because a poor sexual history can really throw off how you approach God’s gift of sexuality in marriage. Blessings for continued happiness in this area!
“Perhaps I’ve listened to everything the preacher has said when suddenly I glance over at my husband’s broad shoulders, the curve of his biceps, the sinewy muscles in his hands, and I want those hands on me. All over me. I take a deep breath, make plans for later in the day, and return my focus to the worship service.”
I’m just sitting here thinking of how vastly different spouses, marriages, families, churches–and our nation–would be if they finally saw and fully reveled in God’s design for sexuality like He wants us to.
A pastor once told me that:
“It is my opinion that the church’s prudery [read: disdain toward biblical sexuality] has been a major force in the success of the porn industry and the depth of porn addiction as a problem in our Western society. I have theological reasons behind that opinion.”
Greg, I love that quote from your pastor. I am speaking next year for a lecture series on the church’s “prudery”. Hopefully me and my speaking partner can bring some light onto the subject. I may just use that! Thanks for sharing.
Karise
I am hopeful in that I see many churches changing their prudish attitudes and reclaiming sexuality as God’s gift to marriages. But of course I would like to see a revolution in this area! One of the ways I hope to help is to show Christian wives that sex can become a much-anticipated and treasured part of their relationship with their husbands. Thanks, Greg!
I am what some would call an awakened wife in my 40s…I awakened shortly after watching Marriage Today and reading Jimmy Evans books. I had been praying for years for help and would search often to find out a way to help me. All I can say it was a “God thing”. Now…I love making love with my husband…can not wait for when we can..think about it all the time (ways to make it different, remembering past times etc..) I can honestly say that I regret all the years that we have missed but so looking forward to all the years we have left and making use of every single minute of it.
I am finding that I also am starting to feel better about me and my body after we make love…I feel more sensual I guess.
Another book that has helped me out alot is Intimate Issues. Through some reflection of my past feelings etc, I honestly think alot of the problem with me was trying to be the perfect Christian wife…I got too legalistic for one…and really did not learn and recognize the freedome that Christ/God gave us. He designed sex for us to enjoy and participate in. I wish the church would say that…I do not understand why they keep this as a hush-hush topic. I understand kids are in most church services, I do..but it is healthy Christian way of life.
Thanks for being so open and for sharing for other of us can learn more!
Wives often do have so much pressure to get everything right that we don’t allow God’s plan for physical pleasure in marriage to wash over us. Just as I delight in seeing my children having good fun, our Father delights in husbands and wives having the kind of fun He designed for us. Thanks, Bless2BHome.
I also love sex with my husband, on a daily basis if possible! 🙂 My late husband had brain cancer for three years with the tumors always growing directly on his pituitary gland, therefore, he had no sex drive and I finally understood how most men in marriage feel, loved but not wanted. Current, healthy husband and I are doing our best to make up for those wasted years! Over a year into marriage and seven kids under 9, I still get a goofy little come hither smile whenever he walks into a room. Thanks for your willingness to be so open and transparent on this blog!
Jess
Jess,
My condolences on the loss of your husband, and my hearty congrats on your second marriage, may you have many more years of goofy smiles ahead of you.
I would like to address one part of your comment, not to nitpick, but to help all of the wives out there to better understand their husbands.
You said “…I finally understood how most men in marriage feel, loved but not wanted.”
The problem is that for most men, feeling loved, feeling desired, feeling wanted, are interchangeable terms. If you love me then you will want and desire me. If you do not want or desire me, then obviously you do not love me.
My wife does not want or desire me, therefore, I do not feel loved. Logically, I can go through a mental checklist to prove to myself that she does, in fact, love me based upon her other actions. However, emotionally, I feel very much alone and have felt this way for 20 years. In fact, due to those years of rejection, I can honestly say that marriage has been the loneliest experience of my life.
I don’t remember who said the following, but it holds true for most men and women: A man has sex to feel loved, a woman must feel loved to have sex.
So, even if a wife truly loves her husband, but she rejects his sexual advances, dismisses his want and desire for her as something trivial, or worse, something gross, disgusting or perverted, then the husband will not feel loved at all. And if the wife’s attitude toward sex does not change, then the marriage is in very real danger of failing.
I hope this helps shed some light on how we men work and think. I also hope this makes sense. It is late (or early, depending on your perspective), I’m tired and frustrated, and hope I didn’t ramble too much.
God Bless.
Mark, I agree, I rethought that after I wrote it. It was actually the same for me as well in my other marriage. Although my mind knew that it wasn’t his fault and I KNEW that he loved me, I didn’t feel loved because he never wanted me, he literally had no desire for sex and that only went downhill even more with years of chemo. I learned to turn off my desires, the difference I think with men (as my new husband will say who also lost his wife to cancer) is they will often turn to something, masturbation, pornography, whatever it may be. I think that’s true in marriage as well, as women, we have the capability to turn it off and we can and do this for many reasons, a man does not seem to have this same ability.
My sympathy for you loss, and blessings for your current marriage. Daily, huh? You go, girl!
Certain times of the month I enjoy sex with my husband, other times I love it. Ah hormones!
It took a few years of married life before I really got comfortable with the idea that sex is for women, not just men, and that it really is a bonding activity.
Hormones indeed. Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em. I LOVE your comment that “it really is a bonding activity.” Can I get an “Amen”?!!
My husband and I waited until we got married to have sex. It was a very important thing for me to be a virgin on my wedding night and to marry someone who was a virgin. I fully believe God kept him pure for me (Lord knows he had PLENTY of chances, yet he was a very naive teenager). We learned pretty quick and fell in love with making love. Then we had our daughter. That’s when things drastically changed. We had gotten to a point where we had sex maybe once a month, and that was pushing it. I just didn’t want it. I had a really hard time turning off “mommy” and turning on “sexy wife.” I used to use the drop in hormones from being pregnant as an excuse, but then I realized that it wasn’t the reason anymore and that I needed to get more into sex again.
From a suggestion from The Generous Wife, I learned about the book Sheet Music. I gladly read it and realized that I needed to engage more, and really learn to love sex again. After reading that book, and then finding this blog, our sex life is back to where it was before Penelope was born. And I promised him that when we have a second baby, I will make the effort to keep our sex life going (after the initial 6 weeks, of course)
And J, I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who thinks about sex in church 😀
SHEET MUSIC is a book I would recommend too. Keeping up a good sex life does require effort at times. Your body and schedule don’t always cooperate, but sexual intimacy can be nurtured. Congrats on your sweet daughter. Thanks, Sara.
Great post J! Love it!
Thanks, Colonel!
“The peacock squawks at midnight.”
That is all!
Megan (does this mean you want to hear my reasons in a blog post too! ;))
YES! I do want to hear your reasons. Lori of Generous Wife piped in with her two cents, and we need to hear yours. Let’s start a Happy, Sexy Christian Wife club. I’m already designing the peacock logo now. 🙂 Thanks, Megan.
Sign me up for that club!!! I am loving this site. It is so refreshing to find a site just for Christian marriage/sexuality. I would LOVE to be able to speak to Christian wives regarding sex & marriage being a gift from God, so I admire you for doing so. I love that this is a place for encouragement & help. Thank you!!!
~ Bobbie
J – I hope if you ever do present your talk, I hope you have on more on than just that victoria’s secret bag. Otherwise that might be overly Hot, not very holy, and not humorous. OK – bad attempt at humor.
As a frustrated husband I really do wish that more women like yourself would speak often about how they enjoy sex with their husbands. I think in the end that is the most powerful way to get the attention of a wife that has issues and hangups in this area. Our minister (who my wife admires and very much admires his relationship with his wife) has bluntly talked with the women in our congregation, but that didn’t seem to change anything. I certainly can’t change her as if I even bring up the issue she reverts into, “your just a greedy man and are not as righteous as I am” mode. And I have read a long bookshelf on how as a husband I am supposed to act and treat her. All my efforts over decades has not changed anything (except my feeling of resentment). I wish everyone had a bit of the experience of “Jess the mess” where we can walk a mile in our spouses shoes (Sorry for your loss Jess). When Freaky Friday came out I told a friend that I would really like to swap with my wife for just a few days so we would both understand each other better. I guess that isn’t going to happen, so we have to keep trying to use words (something I am not the best at).
But having said all of that, I do understand how hard it is to stand up and tell others “I like sex!” – especially for a woman.
I was at a wedding a few months ago and they had a married couples dance where they kept saying, “anybody married for less than 5 years exit the floor now.” Then 10 years, 15 years … until they got to the last old couple that was enjoying the heck out of dancing with each other. They asked, “what is the best advice you can give the married couple to make it to where you two are?” The woman said, “ohh. I can’t say it here!” (we were in the church hall at the time) and they both grinned ear to ear and laughed.
I love that wedding dance story! Beautiful.
Sometimes I hear sex talked about in church with wives simply as “you need to have it because he needs it.” And churches need to go beyond that to express that God intended for both the husband AND the wife to enjoy it and bond to each other through it. I think some women really don’t understand that they could desire and delight in it if the sexuality in their marriage was fostered. Thanks for your input.
As recent reader of your blog, my husband introduced me to it, I am having a hard time convincing him that I am not writing your blog. Especially when you seem to be following me around and writing posts about topics in the order in which I have recently discussed them with him. Anyway, really enjoying your blog and the way you handle sensitive subjects — have already recommended it to multiple friends. Thanks for making me feel less ‘abnormal’ for immensely enjoying my husband and what God has given us! 🙂
That’s great! Are we long-lost twins? If you are abnormal, then I say, “Why be normal?” because we’re having a great time. Glad you’re in the club!
Hahaha… wouldn’t that be something. And Amen! Thanks –looking forward to learning and being challenged some more! Keep up the great work b/c I have definitely been recommending you to people. You say what I wish I could. 🙂
Thanks for the post. I too am a wife that loves sex. (You are NOT alone). Not entirely sure how I came to that place…but I am glad I did. Even after 23 years, that has never been an issue for us. But as we age, I am glad things keep improving.
K
There seems to be a theme that sexual satisfaction doesn’t happen automatically. Sexual intimacy can be nurtured and continue to improve over the course of the marriage. Thanks, K!
I’m a Christian woman who has only recently after 25 years of marriage has begun to enjoy sex with my husband. I have you, Sheila Gregoire, and Julie Sibert to thank! I’m not exactly sure now HOW I found all of your blogs. I think I was looking for Valentine’s day ideas–found lots at another blog, Love, Actually–and stumbled on to them. I have to say that I believe the Holy Spirit led me to click those links that day. I was the cold, withholding wife. I didn’t realize what I was doing to him. No one EVER told me the things I read about here—EVER! The church is silent on this subject while families are being torn apart for lack of intimacy. I think Sheila nailed it a couple of days ago with her “Which Came First” post. My marriage is more loving, calm, and intimate than it used to be. Is it perfect? No. But I love my married life now–before I just tolerated it. It’s too bad I had to wait 25 years and be in my late 40’s to get the marriage I always wanted. But the next 25 are going to be great!
This comment makes my day! Sometimes I think, “Why am I doing this? Am I just preaching to the choir or really helping people?” You deserve the ultimate credit, though, for stepping up and fostering the sexual intimacy in your marriage. Blessings for the next 25 years!!!
P.S. When you find that prescription for the PERFECT marriage, let me know! So far, I’ve got too imperfect people in my marriage, so perfection has escaped us as well. LOL.
J, keep up the good work. I have been doing much reading of late on relationships and intimacy, sexual and otherwise. A few months ago, I admited to my wife that something was missing in my feelings for her. The usual thought at this point in most relationships is ” I love you, but I don’t seem to love you as much as you love me.” It’s unfortunate that most people burp this out without thinking a little more deeply first.
It was bascically what I felt but had the foresight not to say at the moment. My “research” has led me to understand that I did not feel as intimate a connection with her as I needed as a male and a husband. Of course, as a guy, sex was a big part of the problem. A lack of sex was weaking the bond between us. Guys connect through sex, first and foremost. I began to realize, what I was really yearning for was the intimate connection with her. It wasn’t a matter of a weaker feeling of love for her. That was the quick, easy answer but an incorrect answer. It’s like saying “You hurt me deeply”, when, more correctly, you weren’t hurt so much as disappointed by a behavior. It’s difficult to work on a problem when it is ill-labled in a moment of frustration. Do you really hate ME when I do that, or do you hate my behavior. The tone of the discussion will be very different if I feel personally hated by someone who is supposed to love me.
Most people would not have done the work I did on myself (and am still doing). Most people would have blurted out the emotion, not what drove the feeling behind it. If you are going to publically speak on this issue, and I think you should, teach on discerning and defining the problem issues honestly. You can only help them win the war if they choose the right battles to fight. I too would like to help build strong marriages in the public forum, but I know I would need to adjust to the reality that I might be quilty of teaching from an enlightened paradigm. “Of course, everyone thinks like me. They just don’t know it yet.”
I think you may have a calling for this as I do. But I would caution you to try to teach what needs to be taught when it’s ready to be received. It’s so easy after studying the literature for so long to lose sight of the fact that you have become head and shoulder above the average person concerning relationships. That’s when you realize that your teaching skills may need the same type of research you have done on relationships to be effective.
Don’t mean to discourage you. It’s just something I have been thinking about lately. I may have the knowledge and proper attitude about Christian marriage, but can I properly teach it as opposed to giving advice and counsel to friends in an informal setting. But you are absolutely right. The church is very neglient in this area. I can see where they might feel it is a delicate topic that could be easily mishandled, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that it’s not being dealt with. I truly wonder if we did deal with it more openly and forcefully in the public forum, would the divorce rate begin to drop. If we can’t teach relationship techniques in our schools for various reasons, why can’t we begin in our churches? We can teach about sexual intimacy in greater depth in the chruch than public schools can. It would be interesting to see if the “churched” divorce rate would begin to drop. It is currently equal that of the secular population. We can do better.
Hi J,
First off, Thank you!!! From both of us 😉
My husband and I waited until the alter to even share our first kiss(ever and with each other) and we struggled a lot in the first three years, because, I love sex! But all the marriage books out there address these issues the other way around. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want me, and why it seemed before we were married he said he couldn’t wait, but then after about 6 months it dropped off so drastically. I was highly frustrated, and so was he.
I have been reading your blog for about 6 months now, and have read all the previous posts also. We have been figuring out a lot about our struggles, how I didn’t realize I was pressuring him, and how that drove him away, when I thought I was being encouraging by desiring him so much.
How that frustrated me even more, I would reach out more, and so on.
I have actually become more comfortable and relaxed as we move toward 4.5 years of marriage now, and he is realizing that there is nothing wrong with me. I am not “sex crazy” or anything. This is helping us both be more understanding and at ease with each other.
Anyhoo, I just wanted to say thank you for this blog, and especially this post, it is SO nice to know I am not alone, weird, or perverted just because I really like sex, and think about it a LOT, and often go after my husband more than he comes after me(though we are getting more balanced) We need this a lot more in the church and I am trying to do my part to speak up and be open in the area with my girlfriends.
I am planning on getting out some of my fancy scrapbooking pens and paper and writing out my own list of confessions and gifting it to my husband, in the hopes it will bless and encourage him.
Thanks! Glad to know this has helped. I love that you are doing your part with your church and girlfriends. We need more willing to speak up.
By the way, could you come finish my scrapbooks? My photos have been gathering dust for the last few years. 😉
While I am so grateful for you post and your reasons, and your blog in general, I find myself always falling back into this place where I feel like the church is not doing enough to bolster and support the marriages in it, and I think if the relational part of the marriage is being worked on it is easier to work on or follow through with the sex part. I am making a big push at my church right now for a marriage class. They offer a parenting class, why not a marriage class, when your foundation for parenting IS your marriage? Many couples get premarital counseling, but not every one is saved when they get married, or got good counseling (like my husband and I) there are many areas of our marriage that are lacking and that I wish were different, but it seems my asking him to do things differently doesn’t work, or if it does it doesn’t last very long. Accountability with other couples and with other men and women individually is what our marriages need. I think you SHOULD speak about this for sure! NOt enough people do, and it is so important.
Yes, yes, yes. I agree. Churches need to place a high priority on godly marriages. Thanks, Heather.
Isn’t it backwards that Christian wives who want to talk about how “annoying” their “sex crazed” husbands are will find a willing and eager audience (complete with lots of you-go-girls), yet wives like you who respect and appreciate this aspect of their marriage as much as God seems to have to keep it on the “down low?” As a speaker and thinker I really respect, Eric Metaxas, said recently: in the sexual arena the church has been so busy saying what it is against that it has neglected to say what it is FOR.
Yes, it does seem backwards, David. I’m all about reclaiming God’s gift of sexuality for marriage. Christians should championing marital intimacy.
Isn’t Metaxas the author of the Bonhoffer book? I’ve heard him interviewed–excellent.
“As a speaker and thinker I really respect, Eric Metaxas, said recently: in the sexual arena the church has been so busy saying what it is against that it has neglected to say what it is FOR.”
David, *excellent* quote–thanks for sharing that!
🙂 J, thanks for the post. I always enjoy reading you. 🙂
http://www.ilovemyhusband.org
Thanks so much, Patty!
I am a Christian woman that loves sex, but am really struggling in that area lately. The church I grew up in didn’t talk about sex except to say don’t do it before marriage, and it wasn’t talked about at home. I’ve had to find my own way after 10 years of marriage. I wish I could say that we waited until we were married, but we didn’t. That’s also something I struggle with off and on and wonder if things would be different. I can’t change the past and I’ve read your post along with several other marriage bloggers on past sexual sins. Honestly, up until a year ago, I used sex as a weapon. I would use not having sex to make him pay for upsetting me somehow. Things were going so well lately….regular sex, praying and reading our bible together….until my husband sank bank into his old patterns. He has not been a good provider for our family in the past and he keeps telling me things will get better. He says no more eviction notices, we will have food in the house, but then the money us gone and it’s the same thing over and over again. I read your guest post on sex and relationship building. I can’t trust him. Every now and then I’ll get in the mood or he approaches me, but I’m so hurt and angry…I start to think that if I have sex with him then he will believe that everything is ok. I don’t feel loved or taken care of by him. Right now I can hardly stand to look at him. I feel so depressed and the thought of having sex with someone I don’t trust turns me off….it would be one thing if this was the first or second time, but its been an on going problem for 10yrs! He has never been a good provider and I’m tired of wondering how I’m going to feed my kids, if we will have utilities, or what the next disaster will be. I want to look for a job but can’t because our vehicle is broke down. He knew it needed to be put into the shop but didn’t. I don’t know what to do. How do you give yourself to a person who promised to love you, protect you,and take care of you but then they repeatedly do not keep that promise? I’m at my wits end here.
A few things stood out to me here, Anon:
(1) Ask God’s forgiveness for your past sexual sins…and then BELIEVE that you are forgiven. God is not punishing you and your husband for sins in your past if you have confessed them and sought His way. Are there still consequences at times? Yes, there can be. But God’s heart is for you to have the full measure of His blessing on your marital intimacy. As someone who has walked that road, I fully believe that when you do things God’s way, He blesses that, period.
(2) Sex is one issue, but obviously not the only issue. I really recommend that you two seek counseling. Sit down with a good Christian therapist or a counseling pastor and talk about what’s going on. If hubby won’t go, go on your own–but MAKE SURE you’re talking to a CHRISTIAN counselor who is advising you on everything you can do to strengthen the marriage. (Can’t afford it? Churches will often help their own members financially with this sort of thing.) You may need to set some reasonable boundaries about the finances. Yet I don’t think that sex is well-used as a boundary or motivator (as in “Get right or you’re not getting any!”).
(3) Tell him. Yes, this is incredibly hard. But it’s okay to calmly, away from the bedroom, express that you believe in your husband and want the best for both of you, but that with everything else in your relationship struggling, it’s hard to ignite that desire. Let him know you want something better. Now that can be a motivator for a man–to know that his wife wants to want him.
Saying a big prayer for you both. Keep seeking wisdom, praying for healing, and looking for answers. Blessings.
I had a good chuckle over #4 – thinking about sex during church. I’m a pastor’s wife who loves sex and it’s an incredible turn on to see my husband preaching God’s Word (regardless of the topic). He is so gifted and I love seeing him using his gifts – and he truly enjoys preaching too. In addition to that, I try to pray for my husband throughout his sermon – especially when I know he struggled on the text, or was up late the night before. Then watching him get up and deliver the message with such command… 🙂 What can I say – it turns me on 🙂 But I withhold myself from letting out a whistle and asking the congregation to excuse us to his office for a few moments and try to bring my attention back to the actual message and not how hot he looks up there 🙂
Sex confessions from a pastor’s wife…. 😉
Oh my goodness! I love this. I admit to also having a physical desire for my husband when he demonstrates spiritual leadership. Maybe God designed it so that a godly husband is an actual turn-on. 🙂
Thanks, daisygirl!
P.S. I may be glancing over at our preacher’s wife a lot on Sunday. Wonder what she’s thinking…
Make sure you lock that office door. I walked in on a pastor and his wife getting pretty personal once…… And yes, my thoughts do often wander to sex during worship. I’ve often contemplated WHY???
I am a pastor’s wife too and I feel the same way. I have often said to the person next to me that its a good thing I’m married to the preacher because I find him so attractive that I’m distracted.
I always thought I was the only one who had straying thoughts during church. The things I’m reading here are making me feel much better about wanting my husband ALL the time. I’m very blessed with an incredible husband both in and out of the bedroom. But I had to reply to this post because for a long time my husband played the bass in the worship team at church. More often than I’d like to admit watching him as he played for the Lord, so engrossed in worship I found him simply the hottest man on the face of the earth. Every few minutes out eyes would lock and I wondered if he knew what I was thinking. That would snap me out of it for a few more minutes. I can’t help it though, he has that affect on me :0)
J, This is an awesome list! I LOVE the thinking about sex during church-so been there! 😉 When you are sex positive wife – oh the places you think of sex! lol! Love reading your posts and having myself a good laugh! Its like hanging out with girlfriends and laughing! 🙂 Thanks for sharing J! Kate
I’m a little concerned that preachers reading this are going to be looking askance at the couples in their audience now! LOL. Thanks, Kate.
I am in a strange position right now. When my husband and I were first married, I was so excited with the prospect of having sex with him as much as possible (we waited until our wedding night; but neither of us were virgins). I had a difficult pregnancy/delivery a year after we were married; and unfortunately it contributed to the decline of our sex life. Then I found out that he had been cheating on me in one way or another and it pretty much died. He began to use sex against me and threatened me with it. We divorced and then remarried. We are now going through our second divorce. This time around we lasted two years and he cheated on me with at least three different women for almost the entire two years. The strange part??? Even though I had a hysterectomy three years ago, my interest started to pique recently. Now, here I am in my 40s, my husband is living elsewhere and is with his newest girlfriend; and I am wishing I had a ‘real’ husband with whom I could be intimate. I find myself sad at the thought that I may never marry again; and, thus, never get to have sex again.
Okay, I admit it: I want to slap your husband. Adultery is SO hurtful and can just wreck a spouse’s heart and trust in others. My heart goes out to you with all you’ve been through. Sheila Gregoire recently quoted part of Psalm 146, which assures us that people will fail us but our hope should remain in the Lord. A great reminder.
All that said…don’t close the door on marriage in your 40s. Yes, your husband did you wrong–BIG TIME–but there really are some fabulous Christian men out there. Yes, even single ones. Don’t go looking for romance; your heart needs to heal and you don’t require marriage to have a good life and a good relationship with God. But IF God does bring someone your way, that man may be completely different from your previous experience. I just want you to have a little hope about men in the back of your mind.
As to the sex itself, I think sexual peaks are real. I’ve talked to plenty of women who desired sex more than ever in their 40s. That can be a particularly hard time to find yourself alone. But your body will adjust to what you give, or don’t give, it. In marriage, you want to foster those sexual thoughts. Outside of marriage, you want to redirect your attention as much as possible. Some people might suggest you simply take care of yourself; I’d be wary of making that your go-to plan because sexual activity begets a desire for sexual activity. Masturbation or sex toys may sate the desire for the moment, but your body will expect another release sooner rather than later.
God created you as a sexual being. There is nothing wrong with the yearning you are experiencing. I pray that your libido will diminish for the time-being and that IF God has someone else for you, you will recognize it when that comes.
Ok my husbands not a pastor but when our pastor is teaching and my firefighter husband who I haven’t seen in days walks into church and sits down next to me I think to myself, check please!! Ha!! I love the way he smells and looks and feels siting next to me after being away for days and days. If my pastor or his wife are reading this I promise I am listening on Sunday’s……..ok maybe except when my hunk of a husband walks in and distracts me. But the rest of the time it’s all good. I promise!
I loved that: “check please!!!” ROFL. (Also, firefighter? Awesome. Thank the hubby for protecting others as part of his job.)
And this is why I’m waiting for the preacher bold enough to use Song of Songs as his sermon topic some Sunday morning. Who’s up for it? Because we married couples are ready. 😉
Love this, J and I think I might just have to join you, Julie and Lori on this one next week! So fun! I especially got a kick out of thinking about sex in church. I think we’ve all been there… 😉
Yes, join the revolution of sex-happy Christian wives! We might inspire others to join us too.
You’ve been married a short enough time to maybe even remember your first Sunday at church as newlyweds. Yeah, it was hard to concentrate, wasn’t it? LOL.
You should check out mars hill church in seattle. they did a sermon on Song of Solomon called “The Peasant Princess” I think if you google that, you will get the link. It is 10 weeks on the book and each sermon is over an hour long, with Q and A at the end. Totally Awesome!
I love this too, J, and Julie, Lori, Megan……I’ll join the club on Thursday. I hope we can pique some interest in those wives who are less than enthusiastic….hearing the comments of the frustrated husbands is heartwrenching.
Hey, there! I found your blog, somehow – a link from a link from a link – I think it started with Monogabliss! Anyway, love what you have to say, mainly because I LOVE sex w/ my husband! Question: do you think that it’s possible that some of us (ahem) are born with fewer nerves/nerve endings vaginally? I/we have tried SO many different positions, techniques, etc., but nothing! I know my G-spot works, as he sometimes stimulates it internally while “stimulating me externally.” I feel as if I’m the only woman in Christian America who isn’t vaginally orgasmic. Help?
I am a pre-nursing student taking anatomy and physiology. We actually just covered this the other day. My instructor says (now I don’t have the actual research) that it is a myth that most women are vaginally orgasmic, and that the only “function” of the female clitoris is sexual arousal and potential orgasm. You are NOT alone. 🙂
Hm, my clitoris is so sensitive that direct manual (or oral) stimulation is uncomfortable to the point of being almost painful, but I have multiple orgasms every time we have vaginal intercourse. My “nerves” (or whatever) seem to be extremely sensitive all over. I’ve never had an orgasm from clitoral stimulation, and I never will – just thinking about it makes me hurt. But vaginal stimulation – YES, please!! Immediately upon entry my body goes crazy with pleasure, no matter what part of him is entering. I often feel like I’m odd because I read everywhere that the clitoris is supposed to be a pleasure zone for all women, and most women don’t have vaginal orgasms, and that nipples are an erogenous zone (my nipples are so sensitive that it’s almost painful, too). Why is it seemingly reversed for me?
I am a new reader, and I have to say I love your blog! Just today I mentioned to my husband that I feel like churches skirt around issues that really matter, like sex. I LOVE sex with my husband, and we rarely miss a night. I also love all the fun ideas. Keep it up!
I am so glad that I have discovered this blog and many of the other blogs about godly marriages and sexual intimacy the way God has designed it! I am also a wife who loves sex with my husband! I was not even aware that there were people in the Body who were speaking out so boldly about marital sex and how GREAT it can and SHOULD be! My husband was pleasantly surprised when I shared some of the content I’ve found here and on some other blogs. My thought is this…why should the people God DIDN’T intend sex for have all the fun? I am following God’s command by having a healthy sexual relationship with my husband! He loves it! I love it! God loves it!! All I see is win-win-win…all the way around the board! Please keep up this wonderful ministry. I hope to start a marriage ministry in my home church that will employ some of the information and insight I have been finding on these sites!!
J, I wish I was brave enough to put my real name in here, but I guess I still have some growing up to do 😉
I am also part of that little group of women who love sex and I could have it everyday, twice if I could. I love what you said about fantasizing about your husband in church, just looking at him..I DO THAT TOO (maybe not in church too much though…he sometimes serves so he doesn’t sit with me all the time)
Funny thing is…its a really long story…I have never had an orgasm. I just love the intimacy and I love his touch..don’t want to get too graphic but the “two becomes one” moment is both spiritual and physical for me. I could never get enough of him. I worry sometimes that I’m not normal!
We’ve had lots of things wrong with our sex life for the first 19 years of marriage (porn, erectile dysfunction, no interest in sex – all his contribution). Thank God we’ve gotten through all of this and we’ve been having a ball for the last 4 years. I have to guard against the opposite of what men feel…that when he’s tired or not in the mood, its equivalent to him not wanting me or loving me..weird I know. Probably because of our history…I know just how rejected men feel, I’ve been there! I’ve been the one wanting and initiating and being rejected.
Keep up the good work J…I’m so glad I found you and Sheila and I sometimes send your articles to my hubby so he can see what I’m reading. Communication in the bedroom is what was lacking for us…thank God we’ve fixed that problem! Thank you so much for being brave enough to address these issues…if you ever have that talk I’d love to be there (hopefully without a bag on my head 😉
I’m so thankful that someone else likes sex. I think growing up Christian it is so taboo that as a married adult you still feel that you can’t enjoy it. He he he. I think about sex while in church too. Thanks for keeping it real
My question is what do you do when your husband is the pastor, and you find yourself having sexual fantasies about him while he is preaching or you recall an encounter with him during the sermon? This has happened numerous times to me, and I feel really guilty. Thanks for any advice.
Why do you feel guilty about thinking on and enjoying God’s gift to you? This is good and will enhance your worship. Share this with Him. Maybe you think it will be distracting to him while he’s preaching! I think it will give a fuller measure of confidence to do the work he is called to do much better.
I am a man and will confess that I think about sex with my wife many times during any given message and many more times when my libido is high and we have been sexually intimate recently but sometimes when we had sex the day before I still think about maybe even more if it was especially good. Since I got my testosterone level checked and treated. Wow I can also think spiritual thoughts! A high sex drive centered on your spouse is very healthy, in every way spiritually, physically, emotionally as long as they are thoughts toward your husband God is blessing you. I know how it is to feel numb and trapped by the need for sex, but still having sexual thoughts but being unable to feel like expressing them and not having the erections needed to have confidence that when I asked her for it I could follow through on it. You are blessed but more importantly your husband is blessed immensely by you having a desire for sex with Him. Signed Healthy again
Hi! Well I just found this blog. I love it! I am so blessed to have a older married Christian woman in my life that I can talk to about ANYTHING! She is a incredible 50+ year old lady who takes belly dancing classes and encourages me in so many ways. I really like christiannymphos.org too.
I am 23. Married to my Soulmate for almost four years. We saved our virginity till marriage. Have two beautiful babies under two. And we are so in love!
I LOVE MAKING LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND!!! I am very adventurous, wild, and freaky in the bedroom! (Among other places!) It has been so refreshing and exilerating to just let go of all the stuffy, boring, prudishness that we’ve been brainwashed with for so long! At times I wondered if Christians ever had fun. I think with a some exceptions (threesomes, beastiality, homosexuality, pain, porn..etc..) anything goes in a marriage bed! God made sex to be enjoyed by a man and his woman. Not like the victorian lifestyle where it was only for procreation and you certainly didn’t act like you enjoyed it! Hmmm…..sound familiar? I married a preacher’s kid and it was hard to keep focused on his dad’s sermon when he was running the sound booth behind me! Confession: we did it in a church pool-house once! Lol!
In Christ,
Country-girl-rockin’-his-world,
Texas, America
Hi! Well I just found this blog. I love it! I am so blessed to have a older married Christian woman in my life that I can talk to about ANYTHING! She is a incredible 50+ year old lady who takes belly dancing classes and encourages me in so many ways. I really like christiannymphos.org too.
I am 23. Married to my Soulmate for almost four years. We saved our virginity till marriage. Have two beautiful babies under two. And we are so in love!
I LOVE MAKING LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND!!! I am very adventurous, wild, and freaky in the bedroom! (Among other places!) It has been so refreshing and exilerating to just let go of all the stuffy, boring, prudishness that we’ve been brainwashed with for so long! At times I wondered if Christians ever had fun. I think with a some exceptions (threesomes, beastiality, homosexuality, pain, porn..etc..) anything goes in a marriage bed! God made sex to be enjoyed by a man and his woman. Not like the victorian lifestyle where it was only for procreation and you certainly didn’t act like you enjoyed it! Hmmm…..sound familiar? I married a preacher’s kid and it was hard to keep focused on his dad’s sermon when he was running the sound booth behind me! Confession: we did it in a church pool-house once! Lol!
In Christ,
Country-girl-rockin’-his-world,
Texas, America
This blog is so refreshing! So many of my friends really struggle with lack of libedo in their marriage and I’m feeling so frustrated with having my attempts at encouragement fall on deaf ears. I read a book once that said husbands are turned on by their wife’s willingness to give herself wholeheartedly to him, not by a perfect figure. It also suggested that men really don’t notice the extra pounds we’re so concerned about, they just want to connect with us, literally! I also read a book that reminds us that God wants to be a part of every aspect of our marriage, including the intimate aspect; he wants to be invited into the bedroom. After all, he designed sex, it’s not like we can shock Him…he’s seen it all! I often ask Him to bless our intimacy. What could it hurt?! I believe one of the greatest gifts I can give my children is a happy marriage, and one of the greatest gifts I can give my husband is myself.
God bless your love-making ladies!
Nancy
Canada
I really enjoyed reading your post it is refreshing as a Christian wife that I am not alone my turn around came after our separation when we started the reconciliation my husband who does not really share revealed that this was part of the problem. Well it broke me to know I had contributed to this well I immediately got moving and I can happily say that it has been fantastic I honestly don’t know why I was holding back. Having a wonderful time now both of us….
Saffire……
Trinidad W.I
Thank you for the post!! My husband always told me I was special bc I love sex or we just had that awesome of a relationship! I have helped many of my friends in this area and they tell me too that I should become a counselor for Christian women! Now I have been 250 lbs. most of my married life and that did not stop us having great sex bc I remained confident and took initiative or let him lead. I believe also to add to this we were and are each others first and only partners and my husband and I are prayerfully considering getting involved with the youth bc of the importance of saving yourselves. I totally agree with you that we should as Christian women become a strong voice to be heard in today’s society about real intimacy. The world can yell out their sexuality and tempt our men and we need to get that back so there is little temptation to be had if they have fun, sexual wives! Yes it has not been a bed of roses and we hit some rocky ground but we keep open communication between us and it has been 3am before we could come together but God has always been the center and I really feel that is the difference instead of our selfish motives!
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