I can already tell that my schedule is tightening. I confess that I do not get into the holiday spirit until about December 15. Before then, I’m just too busy throwing up decorations, making holiday to-do lists, shopping for family and friends, and wondering why Black Friday is scooting back every year to the point that it will eventually be Black Labor Day.
Long about the time that A Charlie Brown Christmas comes on television and reminds me what this season is all about, I get the holiday attitude. My Grinchy self becomes a proper bearer of good tidings and Christmas joy.
Of course, my grumpiness may also be due to the fact that my husband and I tend to have less sex this time of year. The busyness of the season can make it a genuine struggle to carve out time to revel in one another’s bodies and make love with abandon. Instead of cozying up in one another’s arms late at night, we could be fighting crowds at Toys R Us or cybershopping for one more relative before the shipping deadline passes. Instead of setting up for a party of two, we could be attending an office party or church party where the White Elephant gift exchange turns into a wrestling match over a holiday platter. Instead of rocking each other’s world, we’re rocking around the Christmas tree and rolling down the streets with our kids to look at Christmas lights.
Our packed-to-the-minute calendar leaves little to no time for sex.
Unless we make time for sex.
I’ve learned over the years that we tend to accomplish what we put at the top of our list. The items at the bottom get carried over day to day until we finally get a break in the madness to catch up. Sex should not be at the bottom of our holiday to-do list.
Married couples must make a concerted effort this time of year to set aside time to connect emotionally and physically. Continue to carve out a date night each week, even if it now includes a stop at a toy or electronics store to grab one more thing. If the weather is okay, take a short walk together and reconnect. Set time aside for making love.
One of the weirdest things for many couples at first is to schedule sex. But once you do it a few times, you’ll see that it’s a great idea for husbands and wives to make their intimate times a priority. Be sure to keep making love this holiday season!
P.S. I am far behind with responding to comments. My apologies, but I will be making a concerted effort to catch up. That is, after I have sex with my husband.
Good reminder to keep jingling our bells through the season 😉 We don’t necessarily schedule our sex as a couple, but I try to keep an eye out on the upcoming several days and make mental note of when it needs to happen. For instance, this weekend, Saturday, Sunday and Monday are most likely out, so I will plan to entice my lover on Friday and Tuesday evenings. If we manage a quickie in between, that is great, but I’m not counting on it.
Can I also float the idea that this can work on your own! What I mean is this: my husband is appalled by the idea of scheduling lovemaking. For him, the idea that it’s in a diary and not spontaneous, kills it somehow. BUT, that doesn’t stop me planning it! 🙂 So I might think: right, Wednesday and Saturday evenings will be great times to make love, we’ll have time to enjoy it… So I start planning it in my head, and arranging things accordingly (an early dinner, a bath and a cuddle on the sofa, an early night…) and he’s happy to go along with it when the moment presents itself. The anticipation also makes me more in the mood when the moment comes. I hope that doesn’t sound dishonest – it’s not meant to be, and maybe you’d call it more of a plan for seduction than scheduled sex. And obviously, it doesn’t always work out when I plan it, if he’s exhausted or stressed – and sex will sometimes happens at other, unplanned times too. But on the whole, having a bit of a plan in my mind helps make it happen, and he doesn’t have to know it’s a somewhat diaried event, which would turn him off. (Not to say I don’t also sometimes let him in on my plan for seduction with the odd saucy text from work hinting that I plan to ravish him when I get home, or whatever…) 🙂
Kitty- that’s pretty much how I approach it. I figure everyone wins. The anticipation really helps my libido, and he gets regular sex. Sometimes he even throws a curve ball and adds an “unscheduled” encounter into the mix. I let him 😉 We do have a standing date for one night a week when all the kids are gone for an activity, but the rest of the evenings are “spontaneous” as far as he knows. Not that he would probably object to the scheduling, but it’s fun to seduce him without it being on the calendar.
The nice thing about Christmas is we just tell our kids we are in the room “wrapping” gifts. LOL! Works every time.
Maybe ‘UN wrapping’ gifts! 😀
I can’t imagine NOT planning sex! Seriously, we almost never have spontaneous sex because it’s so much easier to put it in our mental calendar to ensure it happens. I work during the day and my husband works an evening shift, so we absolutely need to plan to be intentional about the connection. I go home for a nooner at least 1-2 times a week, and that needs to be scheduled for sure.
I have ED so we HAVE to plan for love making. When my wife feels in the mood she whispers “You’d btter take a pill honey” or words to that effect. I need no second bidding, by the way!
Our problem is that our adult children come home and we are self conscious of being too loud! When you are used to having the house to yourselves you get used to being as vocal as you want and then it is hard to be discreet. We have at times resorted to stand up quickies in our bathroom as it is more remote from the rest of the house. We just keep whispering to each other that soon they will be gone and we can get back at it!
“Before then, I’m just too busy throwing up decorations…”
Have you tried Pepto-Bismol® for that?
Thanks for a good word!
LOL, Paul!
I agree that planning ahead, scheduling, or whatever you want to call it is critical, especially at busy or stressful times of the year. The irony is that regular sex actually helps us deal better with the stress, if we can just remember to plan to do it!
OK, here it goes, but I have a real issue in this area, I particulary do not like sex because of everything it represents for me. I know what it is suppose to be (before sin happened), but that’s not the way it is now is it!!!! I have made a commitment and am responsible for my wifely duties, but that is about as far as it goes, enjoying it NO, cannot wait for it to be over.
I have read “EVERY MAN’S BATTLE”, I cannot believe how naive I’ve been, I cannot believe the church didn’t tell the truth, I cannot believe my parents didn’t tell the truth!!! I am sorry, but I do not think it is appropriate for guys to be looking at every other women and getting their “MOGO” started by their looks and you’re just “GOOD ENOUGH”, because they are all hot and horny from everything they’ve been lusting over all day, sorry “TEMPTED”, by all day.
I do not want to be just good enough, or just pretty enough “FOR THE MOMENT” (kind of like, “Oh, you”ll do, I’m horny from what I’ve been looking at all day, your seconds”, I just wish I would’ve known the truth, cause I never ever would have gotten married EVER!!!!
To have this thought of just because they are wired this way is okay is not right. Basically it is saying that “Lusting” is ok, this is a generational curse, why is NO ONE, treating like it is – do they not want to fix the problem cause they enjoy it too much?!!!
The Bible continues to talk favorably about sex in marriage long after the fall (Proverbs 5:17-19; Song of Songs; Ephesians 5:31-33). God blesses marital intimacy, including the gift of children from this union.
I have not read EVERY MAN’S BATTLE. I have read Shaunti Feldhan’s FOR WIVES ONLY: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE INNER LIVES OF MEN–which also expresses that God created men to appreciate the visual beauty of women. They are drawn to it, like we women are drawn to security & strength (whether physical, financial, emotional, etc.). But that ingrained characteristic is not license for abuse.
There is a vast difference between the physical appearance of a woman appealing to a man and him seeking out and dwelling on “every other woman.” The verses about lusting are directed at that later approach. That means that husbands need to make every effort to keep their eyes focused on their wives, and their wives alone.
In addition, I hear from husband after husband (often anonymous with no reason to lie about this) that they find their wives incredibly attractive even if they do not look at all like supermodels. When they get home and into the arms of their wife, most husbands are not comparing to something else they’ve seen in the day and acting out those fantasies with their wife. If that is happening, it is wrong and a sign of larger marital and spiritual problems.
My prayer for you, Ramsietta, is that you can open your heart to what God REALLY says about sex in marriage…that you will pursue God’s design for it and not the world’s twisting of the truth.
Planning ahead is a must right now in our household… (adult children staying with us).
We’re grabbing time to be intimate during the daytime because they’re out and we work from home! It’s kinda fun to play “hooky” from work! 😉
(We go out a couple nights a week to give them time to do… what-ever-they-want!)
Hi J!
I was looking for some way to contact you without commenting, but I wanted to let you know that I am SO GRATEFUL that I found your blog!
I was married in June and my husband and I were both virgins and although we had read a couple of books *right* before we got married I have struggled a LOT with enjoying my sexuality & sensuality. I was raised with the mentality that sex outside of marriage is wrong, and sex inside the marriage is simply to meet your husbands physical needs, you don’t talk about it, ask about it, read about it, think about it, its something that guys like but for women its not fun or enjoyable, but to be endured (yeah. seriously. sheesh!).
I even had a very godly woman whom I greatly respect tell me before the wedding that “it” (sex, she couldn’t say the word apparently :P) is just something you have to do to keep your husband happy! Let me tell you that since then I have learned that in that case I LOVE to keep my husband happy! 😉
Even with all that background, I wasn’t worried about our wedding night or honeymoon too much, because first I was very curious about the whole thing, and secondly my husband is a very gentle and sweet man, plus from the books we had been reading (Intended for Pleasure and a couple of others) it seemed like maybe I had been given faulty information (not false for that woman apparently, poor soul) I discovered that my “problem” was I enjoyed it! (*gasp*) Imagine that! 😉 But all along some miserable part of me in the back of my mind would always tell me that I shouldn’t enjoy it and it was wrong, and it is very hard to quash those deep-rooted beliefs.
I told my husband about finding your blog on Monday through Unveiled Wife and some of what I have been reading, and how encouraging it has been that I am not weird or strange for enjoying sex (I really did feel guilty about it to some degree or another ever since we have been married), but that’s what it is there for! He is very, VERY happy as I have been sharing things with him, that I am learning so much and above all feeling way more comfortable about everything. (I am recovering from a miscarriage, so we can’t put anything into practice or try new things for a couple more weeks, but we are definitely looking forward to it :P)
Inspired and encourage by your blog, last night I suggested to my husband about us possibly purchasing some lingerie as a mutual Christmas present (he had brought it up once before but with my belief system all wrong I really couldn’t bring myself to do so [horrors! dressing like THAT, I would really feel guilty then!]) he turned and looked at me, gave a HUGE grin and said softly “You know, I think that I am going to really like that you found that blog!”
But I was also wanting to surprise my husband with something sexy but sweet and tasteful for Christmas. We have not really been adventuresome as I haven’t really been very comfortable with much since it is still so new and we have been learning through the months (s.l.o.w.y. due to my own trepidation, I will admit). Do you or your readers have any suggestions for newlyweds? I looked up some different games and things (ugh to some, even on Christian sites!) and I don’t want the surprise to end up going wrong, if you know what I mean.
Sorry this is so long, but a heartfelt “Thank You!!!” from both of us! I’d give you a hug if I could! you have been such a blessing to me, I feel so free now to enjoy my husband and…. other… things 😛 And thanks in advance for the tips if you are able!
That hug felt great! I don’t know why (okay, I’m thinking GOD), but whenever I have a stinky day, something wonderful happens to give me perspective. Today, your email was it! 🙂
Also, I’m planning to add a contact form to my site, but I really need to find someone more tech savvy than I to put it all together. It’s on my 2013 agenda. Sorry about that.
As to ideas for newlyweds to get a little adventuresome, I sometimes wonder about doing a Christian book on positions. Hmmm. Still thinking. But there are Christian retailers for “marital aids” online. I featured some of them on my Sex Toys post. There are also sex games put out for committed marriages–such as Bliss. With games like that, just don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable. (Hubby and I have played games before, and we skip the cards that make us both furrow our brows.)
What you might try to begin with is more homemade. For instance, you could make your own love coupons–which include things like Position of Your Choice or Make Love Outdoors (find a private place, of course) or Strip Tease. Put together a basket of sex goodies like a good lubricant (try Astroglide or coconut oil), scented massage oil (I’m partial to Bath & Body Works personally), a CD of sexy love tunes, candles, etc. Just whatever gets you two in the mood.
Shop at a local underclothes shop or a department store for lingerie that pushes your current edges a little. If you’re used to wearing flannel, don’t expect to go sheer lace teddy! You’ll need to build up to that. Find something that is outside of your norm, but still makes you feel pretty yet reveals your sexual beauty to your husband.
Now I’m thinking I should put together my own game. But I’m sure a reader out there has a suggestion for something good in this regard. I’ll do some more thinking on this too, New Wife, and maybe a post about it soon! Good question.
The problem that we have with scheduled sex is that when we schedule it in advance (for us it’s every Friday) we end up very frequently having sex when neither of us is particularly in the mood. And when you’re having sex and both of you are quite aware that neither wants it, it really puts a damper on things.
Part of the scheduling, Anon, is mentally getting in the mood. If you know it’s on the calendar, then you two need to build up to it by doing things that increase anticipation and desire. Or you can get going anyway, and oftentimes your drive will catch up. Indeed, many wives report rarely feeling in the mood beforehand, but they do heat up once things start. Hope that helps!