Welcome to Monday’s Q&A with J! Today I’m addressing a wife whose husband clearly doesn’t understand how to get his wife interested in sex.
How can I enjoy sex when… my husband gets upset with me nearly everyday. Doesn’t lovingly, touch me, besides the obligatory good morning and off to work hug and kiss. The only physical touch I receive is groping and sex. Then he wonders why I don’t feel anything when we’re having sex. The only thing I feel is wanting to cry because I don’t feel. I believe it was you that said to concentrate on what feels good and what could make it feel better. Well for sometime now I haven’t felt anything… and well, frankly, size is not a problem. Help!!!
As often happens, the spouse I really want to chat with isn’t here. If I could spend a few minutes talking to hubby, maybe I could get him to understand why his approach is not only ineffective, but damaging for his marriage.
But I’m answering the wife’s question on what she can do to help the situation.
First off, I’m wondering if you’ve talked to him, honestly and lovingly, about your needs and desires. I would assume that he touched you affectionately while dating, but you need to make it clear that non-sexual touch must continue. It makes you feel valued for more than a physical need you can meet for him.
Sit down together outside the bedroom and explain what’s lacking, why you want it, and how it will help your marriage. You can also let him know that it’s the best way to get what he wants. Sometimes a husband can be convinced to go slow and spend more time with romance because he can see the payoff of more sex for him. But, once he experiences the affection regularly, he understands the benefit of touch simply for the sake of emotional intimacy. Touch apart from sex matters.
You also need to set some guidelines for your sexual intimacy. It’s not a problem to say that you’ll be available sexually, but you require time to prepare and relational interaction before engaging. It isn’t depriving your husband of sex to let him know what will make it go well for you. God desires you to have a mutually satisfying sex life.
Lay out some must haves — making sure, of course, that your must haves are reasonable. Reasonable expectations include:
- Time to shift gears from all the issues of the day to focusing on intimacy.
- Touch and foreplay that helps your body ease into lovemaking and experience arousal.
- Assurances that he will listen to you when you speak up during sex about what feels good and what doesn’t, and then to adjust.
- Focus on your sexual pleasure and climax as well.
If he refuses to consider how you feel — and even ignores when it feels bad — you can set some boundaries. It’s okay to say something like, “Hold on. I want this to feel good for both of us. Can we take a break and adjust what we’re doing so I can enjoy being with you the way I want?”
He may not like this at first, if he’s used to getting his way. But setting reasonable boundaries is good for him too — in the long run. Having a more responsive, and participating, wife would surely feel even better to your guy. Right? It will increase his pleasure as well, and bring you both deeper intimacy.
I suspect that your husband’s view of sex has been tainted by something from his past. It could be pornography he was exposed to that gave him the idea that women like sex to be rough and insistent. It could be church teaching that made him think wives don’t like it all that much anyway so he struggles to consider your feelings. Or it could be anywhere in between — like how almost all TV and movie sex scenes display women raring to go and nearly climaxing at the drop of a zipper.
The point is that your husband’s perspective of sex is not according to God’s design. Maybe you two need to read a little Song of Songs, to see how much both husband and wife were excited about their romance and their sexual encounters. Maybe you could point out your clitoris and tell your hubby that God gave woman that little knobby wondertoy with the sole purpose of her pleasure. Surely, He wants you to use it! Maybe you could read or listen to a marital intimacy book (like Pursuit of Passion, Lovemaking, or Sheet Music) together and talk about what sex in marriage should look like.
Show him that you prioritize sexual intimacy in your marriage, but you’re not willing to settle. You want the best your gracious God has to offer! And you want that for your husband as well.
As for you feeling more aroused during sex, that’s a tall order until you work out some of these other issues. Who wants to be dragged to bed to be used for sexual pleasure? I doubt your husband even understands that’s how it feels to you. But you deserve greater respect and attention.
For specific ideas on awakening your love, you might check out Unlock Your Libido by Bonny of Oyster Bed 7. These other Q&A posts might help as well: “I Can’t Remember What It Feels Like to Be Aroused” and “How Do I Get My Turn?” And my book Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives has many ideas for pleasurable activities to try.
One way or another, you need to get across to your husband that you want a fabulous, fulfilling sex life with him — which requires some changes in how things are done in your marriage. And you won’t consent to continuing this current bad pattern.
Make sure he understands that you want him to have sexual pleasure; you just want to have it too. Then take intentional steps to pursue what’s best for you both. What God Himself designed for you to have.
24 thoughts on “Q&A with J: “His Physical Touch Is Groping & Sex””
Great answer, J!
One thing I think happens is once married guys think they don’t have to date or woo their wives anymore. Sex is a given, after all, so why does he have to “jump through hoops” to get it? They don’t realize just how important and necessary all that wooing is.
True. Keep wooing, guys! It means a lot to most wives to feel desired for all of who they are.
Thank you for this. This sounds a lot like my marriage, and I don’t know how to change it. I’ve asked different times, in different contexts, and every time I even start talking about it, he assumes this means I am raring to go. I orgasm easily, but sex rarely feels satisfying and I almost never feel like a cherished wife. I feel selfish and horrible for even admitting this, but I’m so tired of feeling used. His perspective is “a quickly isn’t a bad thing” but when it’s predominantly “quickies” what do you do?
I love him, and I love God more, so I know there must be an answer. And I know he loves me, he works so hard to provide for our family, he is an amazing Dad. I just feel like there has to be something more…
So if you’ve talked to him plenty, how about asking him how he would feel if sex was always on your terms? If his needs and desires were an afterthought? Or draw an analogy he’d understand, like “What if every time we went to dinner, we ended up a restaurant I loved but you didn’t like. And then I said something like, ‘Well, you got food.’ Wouldn’t you still feel a little cheated?” Stress that you want what’s best for both of you!
Thank you for your response. I’m hoping to find a good time to bring this up soon. I hate conflict, which may be why it’s gone this far.
Hmmmmm. I wouldnt want my husband to be nice to me only because he thinks he will get sex for doing so…thats just so wrong.
Well, of course that’s no way to treat a whole marriage. But sometimes stressing the extra benefit for someone pushes them over the motivation hump, and then they can see what’s really great about the thing itself. That’s all I was saying. Absolutely not that bartering is how to treat marriage.
I love your explanation here. It is so hard for women to understand their spouse’s advancements. It is important that both parties learn to see the other person’s point of view. It really helps out in many areas of marriage.
I used to be that “groping husband”. I simply did not understand how my wife wanted or perceived love. It took us nearly 20 years to learn our true love languages. I’m very physical. I love touch of all kinds and especially sexual touch. My wife is loved through words and acts of service. For years I didn’t show here love in a way she understood so in return she felt little motivation to do me love. I craved her touch and thought if I touched her the way I wanted to be touched she would feel loved the same way I would. WRONG! L earn your spouse’s love languages and practice them daily. My wife now knows how much I love her by my words and actions…and we have the marriage bed I always longed for.
Thank you for speaking up! So thrilled you two figured it out.
AWESOME! I need to re-visit the 5 love languages to better love my wife!
It also sounds like he may have been turned away so many times that he has given up trying to please her! Maybe he has not felt the respect and admiration that he needs! I can tell you first hand that can cause this sort of action!
Yes, both spouses should definitely do their part! We’re each responsible for how we treat our mates — on both sides. Including wives respecting husbands, and husbands not descending into all groping and sex. 🙂
I felt that very same way! Being turned down I got angry and was about to give up but it makes sense that I first need to be more affectionate without it having to lead to sex and then try to be intimate or just talk about how I feel about it.
This was a great read! I had issues with my wife not being as aroused as I would like her to be and just last night she mentioned that I hadn’t kissed her in a while. I’m guessing that it’s a reason that we haven’t made love as often. Thanks for this and I’ll work on being more affectionate. Do you have any articles for men on how to be more affectionate throughout the day?
That’s a good idea! I don’t know if I’ve written specifically on that…
No articles necessary, Mel. Do stuff for your bride. Put her in the car, take a drive. Hold her coat, pull out her seat in the restaurant, let her into the car first. Affection directed toward her in public is especially appreciated by a woman because you’re demonstrating to the world the value to YOU of your wife as a woman. At home, bring her a glass of wine, make a pot of coffee, make her know in many ways, small and large that she gives you the hornies. I don’t say do all the housework, cook all the meals and the rest. But help out a little. Do the outside stuff, the division of labor stuff, the man’s share. Don’t go doormat, they don’t respect that and I as I don’t trouble my wife with nonsense, I don’t allow any nonsense from my wife, but kindness is paramount. Most important, every single day, take your woman in your arms, look deeply into her eyes, into her very soul, you cup her face in your hands and kiss her good and long and you tell her you love her in a good, deep and serious tone of voice so she knows you mean it.
My woman is self-wooing, especially about sex, but a big part of that is how I run things between us throughout the day. And, I’m an affable, humorous cuss overall so it’s easy to joke my wife into the bedroom. And every single day of our lives, she gets the Super Hug, the kiss and a very serious declaration of love directed into the very depths of her soul. That is why we have eyes, they aren’t just for driving the car. Mel, these are Uncle-Jimmy-Certified tried and true methods for turning your wife’s heart to white-hot melted affection and it makes ME a better man with a better heart and soul too. God put us men here to protect and love and enjoy these creatures, now go do just that. No article, no counseling necessary, just a paragraph or two. If I’m out of line or my way flawed, Ladies, I’m all ears.
Now get to it Mel, start loving that woman of yours right and proper. Then, come back and tell us how you did with her! Enjoy! The love of a good woman is the finest of all God’s treats. May you have that!
This is quite lovely.
Oh wow! There are real guys who do that in marriage? I thought that was just in movies or how they act before marriage. Here’s a hint other guys – that love stuff Jim mentions works – thats why they put it in chick flicks. Its not hard to figure out what women will pay money for to wish someone would be that way with them. Watch a movie – PG 13 though. Lol
Chick flicks, Marilyn? Hardly. Leadership. I direct my life and lead my wife, rhyming not intended. This love I have, that my woman has with me, is a product of my direction of myself and her reciprocity. We both derive love and affection and a very deep devotion to one another, but it springs from my leadership. Chick flicks write a script as if these emotions come down from Mars, this couple gets the love, this one doesn’t, regardless of the man’s efforts (or lack thereof). You aren’t struck by a thunderbolt of love. Rater, two good people, a man and woman, mostly Christian men and women, BUILD this. I don’t remember Timothy, Paul or Christ himself saying it was simple. Much of the bible is filled with this struggle.
I’ve always known that women abhor weakness and sloth in their men. Part of it is my father’s teachings (7 kids and a wife of 55 years, a man doesn’t get that from any woman being weak). Women are attracted to and make love and babies with the strong man. Understand, a man like me is considered a sexist pig in the secular world. In our world, in a world of Christian relationships, Christian woman accepts my strength, my message, my love, my affection and my wiles and ways, in the bedroom and out, not as dominion, but rather a demonstration of my love toward her.
You ask, “Oh wow! There are real guys who do that in marriage?”. Yes. There are real CHRISTIAN men that do that in marriage (PLEASE forget my last name, I’d be this way if my name was Smith or Jones). Also, I’m a Boston transplant from Virginia, sired by a Tennessee gentlemen. We were instructed that the woman is a tender creature, you are to be respectful, chivalrous, protective. You hold her coat, her chair, the door. You support your woman. All these make her feel loved, especially those demonstrations in public. Do I put my woman on a pedestal? Is my love unconditional? Nope! I demand accountability (or would if my wife became unaccountable). Yet, in return, as a strong Christian man your Christian woman respects and supports and loves you in kind. The love I receive from my wife is 1 million thousand-fold the love I give to her, in my mind and heart. Such is the capacity of a Christian woman’s love for her good Christian man.
Of course, modern times has undermined all that. Modern attitudes in secular women render me a chauvinist pig because as any modern woman will tell you, a woman needs a man like me like a fish needs a bicycle. Well, as a Christian man, I need a woman quite unlike that modern woman and a Christian woman (I will count you and the others here and J as among them) needs a man JUST like me. In my quiet way, I impart that to the gents that cross my path in our house of worship. But the young men are beaten down and many I see are already divorced and ruined (for many reasons previously discussed in other threads), so I don’t know where or how we’re to put it back to where a man like me thinks it ought to be.
But then there are women like you that go, “Oh wow! There are real guys who do that in marriage?” Well, woman? Go encourage your man to do what I do, be receptive to it. For Christ’s sake, be the least little bit accepting and be submissive enough to enjoy the strength of a man that wants only to demonstrate his strength and respect for your Christian femininity. Celebrated together, THESE are the seeds for successful marriages, families, children.
Encouraged in the Church, the men will follow this path. Judging by your surprise, you want this too. And you ought to. But the young men have to be encouraged and the women need to be accepting. Otherwise, the men and women circle each other, predators almost, not one trusting the other, yet wanting what the other has. And only through God’s message and methods do either get what they want and need. Anything else is false passion with little staying power and durability. See? Another dissertation for poor J to pick through and approve.
She’s sick of me already! Ha!
🙂 It did take me a while to get around to reading this one. I’ve been having Internet problems, so time has been limited.
I think a lot of what you’re talking about really boils down to respecting and cherishing one another. Honestly, this is what’s often appealing to women in chick flicks — how committed a guy can be to romancing the woman. Of course those movies can be very unrealistic, but I do think they hit at a deep longing for most wives to feel genuinely and conspicuously cherished by their husbands.
As you discuss, he also has his own longings. He wants to feel needed, respected, desired. Cherished for who he is as a man.
This post dealt with an action that didn’t feel respectful or cherishing. Maybe if we kept those goals forefront in our minds and our marriages, we’d be much closer to God’s ideal.
Yeah, J, I have my moments. It’s easy. She loves me! Nothing like a mutual admiration society of two, no? Ha!
If we could bottle that up, to get these crazy kids in a mood and mode to mutually admire one another, the divorce rate could drop to zero. I just think it’s more possible in the Christian community. The secular types, what the heck, it’s just one more divorce, it means less than nothing to them. But if I could get the men to make a bit of effort (it’s fun!) and YOU could get the women to be receptive and reciprocate (also fun!), domestic/marital relationships could be so much sweeter. Of course, I refer to “I” as the men in leadership-in-worship and I mean the “YOU” as the ladies who lead the women in congregation. There aren’t enough. The men don’t dare lead and wouldn’t know where or how.
And as for the women, there is no leadership of “elder”, or wiser women counseling the younger women in person. In my congregation, the lady-elders are too busy constantly scheming how to lead the men to bother with the younger (than they) women that are in turmoil in their marriages. No one leads me but me and I don’t get involved in politics where I worship, but it isn’t pretty. Complementary agents rule these days, but I refuse to play ball with it, nor will I allow my wife to involve herself with them. They sow seeds of conflict instead of love and harmony. And the kids in trouble have no guidance from elders.
Ah, but if we could provide benevolent advice! Men from men, women from women. We’ll get there. You have a lovely little haven here, it’s a start. It’s taken time for things to break, it will take time for things to heal. Hotholyhumorous will be a reference to kids I think need it, if that’s ok. If all they ever do is read, it plants good and Godly seeds of thought in their heads. You site is a continuing, ongoing resolution of love and cooperation between husbands and wives. It can only be good for the youngsters to read.
I’m absolutely not going to get into the comments about male/female leadership in church. I definitely have my own opinions, but I address with those in my own church and that issue is not the mission of this blog.
One thing I would challenge. I’m not in favor of kids reading this blog. In fact, I don’t think it’s a good idea for singles to be reading all these posts, which could arouse curiosity and desire with no proper outlet. I’ve written about this and my reasons why: Should You Be Reading My Blog? Thankfully, there are more and more excellent resources for children, teens, and singles that point them in the right direction of godly sexuality.
Yeah, J, I have my moments. It’s easy. She loves me! Nothing like a mutual admiration society of two, no? Ha!
If we could bottle that up, to get these crazy kids in a mood and mode to mutually admire one another, the divorce rate could drop to zero. I just think it’s more possible in the Christian community. But it isn’t standard fare for Sunday morning, too sensitive, especially for the children. It’s for the mentors, the Men and women. A struggle fit for prayer. Cheers!
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