Tag Archives: oral sex

Is Giving a “Blow Job” Enjoyable for the Wife?

A husband in my Facebook community recently posed the question of “what is it that the ladies enjoy so much about giving [oral sex]?” He explained that he didn’t mind giving to her, but felt awkward about the reverse and didn’t understand why a wife would enjoy that activity.

I held onto the question for a bit, mulling over how to answer. As much as possible, I avoid giving any reader a peek into my own marriage bed and/or getting too graphic. However, since I believe fellatio — oral sex for him — can be quite enjoyable for the wife, it seemed like something worth spotlighting.

So why would a blow job be enjoyable for a wife to give?

The present she gives.

Sometimes a wife gives a husband oral sex as a gift. It’s a way of showing that she cares about his sexual pleasure and wants to arouse and satisfy him. This can include giving a blow job when she’s out of commission, due to health issues or menstruation or other factors.

She thus derives enjoyment from being able to offer this wonderful present to her husband, knowing that she alone can gift him in this way. It’s simply one way of living out selfless love in the marriage bed. And doing good can feel good.

The power she possesses.

Much of a woman’s experience sexually is as the responder. Even if she is the higher-drive spouse and/or initiated the sexual encounter, her body receives manual or oral stimulation of her erogenous zones and intercourse is penetration by another. Turning the tables can give her a sense of potency.

She may enjoy watching the effect she has on her husband, how she can drive him wild with her mouth. It’s one of the few times in sex when the man seems to fully surrender — putty in her hands. It’s a sweet feeling to know the power she possesses to stimulate and satiate her husband.

The pleasure she feels.

Most husbands don’t lie back like dockside fish, either still or wildly flopping while oral sex is being performed on them. They respond with touches back to her head, her shoulders, her breasts, wherever he can reach. They make sounds of arousal. Their muscles clench and release. Their penis and testicles twitch or lift or shift. And to her, all that can be sexy, and therefore pleasurable.

Many wives become aroused while performing fellatio. They might be surprised at first to be focused so much on his sexual pleasure, then reach down to find their own body excited, but it happens. Turning him turns her on.

The passion she pursues.

Adding oral sex to your marriage bed expands your sexual repertoire, and variety is perhaps not the spice of life, but it is spicy. And it’s not an everyday thing for most couples, so much of the time, fellatio happens when she is feeling particularly passionate — passionate enough to put her mouth on or around her husband’s most private part. 

There’s also an implied recognition that his genitalia are appealing and sexy. Getting that up-close-and-personal can show she’s got a big crush on Junior. (Oh, every guy’s dream… Breathe easy, y’all.)

The support he shows.

Meanwhile, what can a husband do to make this experience good for his wife? Well, my best tips are in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design.

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Want more straight talk? Check out this book for wives!

But in general, you can make this mutually enjoyable by:

  • Telling her what feels good. Since she obviously wants you to be pleasured, direct her to your most sensitive spots and/or indicate with words or sounds when something feels particularly good.
  • Letting her remain mostly in control. That is, don’t press her head against you or pressure her to “deep throat,” especially if she has a strong gag reflex.
  • Cooperate with what she needs to make it more comfortable. If she’s reluctant to give oral sex or swallow, be willing to wear a condom for easier clean-up, keep a towel by the bed, warn her when you’re about to ejaculate — that sort of thing.
  • Making sure she gets a full opportunity to orgasm too. If you ejaculate during oral sex, that’s not necessarily the end. She may want a round two where she gets to climax.
  • Giving her a chance to recover. She may need time afterward to clean up, and she may also need a while before she performs fellatio again. Even those who like it may see it as more of a treat than a regular activity.
  • Thanking her when you’re done. Many wives respond well to being appreciated for their effort.

For wives who don’t like it.

If you’re one of those wives who does not enjoy giving oral sex, I encourage you to read the “Oral Sex” chapter in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design. The following posts may also address your concerns:

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Q&A with J: Should You Just Swallow Already?

Today’s reader question is about giving oral sex to your husband:

Could you please send links to articles that specifically address wives who are averse to “finishing” when we give oral sex to our husbands. … his desire for me to do this comes up periodically and he has been very kind and patient about my aversion. I know it is a mental hangup and you have addressed the gag reflex, but [it] still seems repulsive, even though I love everything else about my husband’s body. Am I just selfish? He is so undemanding in every aspect of our marriage, so the fact that he still brings it up means it is a strong wish. I have managed a couple of times over the years, but I had to hide how unpleasant it was to me. And he stresses that he wants me to enjoy it, or we don’t do it. (He asked me to ask you.)

Blog post title + illustrated women's mouth, biting her lip

Hmmm. I actually had an aversion myself to the word finishing. Using that word makes it sound like if you don’t swallow your husband’s ejaculate, he didn’t get to finish. But I presume he did, somehow or other. Oral sex without swallowing isn’t unfinished business.

That said, I know many husbands desire that their wives take their ejaculate into their mouths and even swallow. I’ve encouraged men who write me about this to make the request but let it go if she simply can’t stomach the idea. Having a great sex life in marriage doesn’t mean that your partner performs every sexual activity you desire. There should be mutuality in the marriage bed.

But the query is from a wife, at the request of her husband, so I’m going to address that side of the equation. And I do believe that a number of wives adverse to the idea could learn to accept semen into their mouth and even swallow, at least on occasion.

Let’s just address this question first: Is it hygienic? Yes, it’s perfectly fine to swallow semen. It even contains vitamins, sodium, and fructose, all of which you ingest in food. One study oddly showed that semen has antidepressant qualities, so there might even be a health benefit. The only caveat here is if he has a sexually transmitted disease, but then it’s not the semen that’s the problem, but rather contact with any outbreak on the skin. Otherwise, it’s totally fine.

What about the taste? It tends to be a bit salty, but can taste sweet — depending on what your husband eats and his specific taste. If you don’t like the taste of his semen, he can do several things to improve its flavor: wash thoroughly in the area beforehand, avoid smoking, incorporate more fruit and/or fruit juices into his diet, cut down on red meat and dairy consumption, drink plenty of water. You could also add a flavored personal lubricant to the experience, to sweeten the overall taste.

How about the texture? Some people have fewer issues with taste than texture. Semen is about the consistency of a beaten egg, so it’s a thick liquid that may not appeal to some wives. If this is the sole issue, then letting your husband ejaculate in the back of your mouth, closer to your throat, will keep you from dealing with the texture much, if at all.

How do you address the gag reflex? If you have a strong gag reflex, then you need to consider how to make fellatio work well for you. First things first: You don’t have to swallow him; that is, put his whole penis into your mouth or “deep-throat.” His sensitivity is mainly in the head of the penis, and you can concentrate there and stroke his shaft to provide additional pressure and pleasure. (See also What Does He Mean by “Oral Sex”? (It May Not Be What You Think).) Also, consider changing positions to find a comfortable angle for your mouth and throat.

If it’s the ejaculate itself causing you to gag, you can try a couple of things: (1) Train yourself ahead of time by putting your finger toward your throat until you feel a reaction, then breathe and relax through the sensation. Repeating this practice can help you overcome a gag reflex. (2) When you feel yourself starting to gag, tuck your left thumb into your left hand, as if making a first, and squeeze your thumb. I don’t know if this works, but I saw so many articles and testimonies online about this working, it seemed worth mentioning. If someone else has tried this, let us know in the comments.

What about the mental block? You might logically get over all these issues, but in the moment, some little part of your brain yells, Oh my gosh, that’s man-juice in my mouth. Yuck! Hey, we’re biologically and culturally primed to avoid ingesting things that are bad for us or even weird. So it’s understandable that you might have a negative visceral reaction to the idea of semen in there.

Honestly, getting over that is like getting over anything else you want to do but have an initial aversion to doing. You have to re-frame how you think about it, reminding yourself constantly that this is okay and even good; then take baby steps toward changing your behavior; and reward yourself for progress you make. It takes time and intentionality, but there really isn’t another magical formula. You can most likely break through the mental block, but only if you want to and if you adopt actions that help you shift your thinking about this practice.

Are you selfish for not wanting to? It doesn’t sound like you are, because (1) you’ve actually tried and (2) y’all seem to have great sexual intimacy otherwise. You’re not looking at your husband and telling him you don’t want sex to be pleasurable for him; rather, you’re wanting it to be mutually pleasurable and this particular area just happens to be unpleasant. Even if a sexual activity is entirely permissible and good in marriage, that doesn’t mean you have to do it. Sexual intercourse is the only activity commanded in the Bible, even though we have the freedom to do much more.

Neither spouse gets to demand a specific sex act, and we should feel secure and confident enough in the marital bedroom to say something like, “I will happily do A, B, and C, but I’m just not comfortable with X.” At the end of the day, you may decide you flat-out don’t want to do this. And really, you and your husband can have a great sex life without it.

But since it’s important to him, and he has not demanded it but rather requested, is there a way you can make it happen? I love that your husband said he wants you to give him fellatio all the way to ejaculation only if it can be enjoyable for you too. So the final question really is: How can you make this an enjoyable experience?

Many wives do enjoy giving a “blow job” and swallowing. How do they do it? Here are some final tips:

  • Think about fellatio positively. Shed the worry about your mouth touching that area of his body, because it’s also just skin — albeit rather erogenous skin.
  • Keep your mouth from being overwhelmed. Try different angles and actions to see what feels reasonably comfortable while still being arousing to him, and ask him to be gentle in his movements and let you have more control. Also, check out the chapter on oral sex in Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design where I explain how to perform fellatio in a way that works for both of you.
  • Focus on the pleasure you’re providing. You know how awesome it feels when your husband concentrates on giving you incredible pleasure and even a mind-blowing orgasm? That’s how this feels to him, and you are making it happen. High-five yourself, girlfriend!
  • Anticipate when he’s coming. It can be a shock for him to suddenly gush into your mouth. If you can’t read his body signals, unlikely until you’ve done this a number of times, ask him to tell you when he’s about to ejaculate so you’ll know it’s coming.
  • Relax your mouth and throat. If you can anticipate, you can relax your mouth and throat even more in that moment. You might want to slow or stop your mouth motion and focus on your relaxation and his release.
  • Take control of where the ejaculate lands. If you have an issue with swallowing, try having him release closer to your throat so his fluid isn’t hanging around in your mouth for long. It’s just in, swallow, done. Literally takes seconds. Some wives would rather taste and savor semen, and they can shift their mouths accordingly. But get yourself into a position that works for you.
  • Clear out your mouth if you need to. If you feel the need, jump up when it’s over and go swish some mouthwash around in your mouth. Gurgle with it, so that your throat gets cleared too. Keep a drink, a breath mint, or gum nearby if you want to replace the taste lingering in your mouth.

Do you have to perform this act? No. But if it’s really important to your husband and you are willing to try, then take some time and effort and see if you can make it happen. A lot of wives who used to balk about swallowing learned how to enjoy it. You might too.

What Does He Mean by “Oral Sex”? (It May Not Be What You Think)

True story: Some husbands really want oral sex from their wives, and their wives are adamantly against it.

Other than concerns about whether it’s okay with God, the most cited reasons I hear for wives withholding this sexual act are hygiene and the ick factor. I’ve discussed hygiene and reassured wives that there is nothing problematic about that (unless one of you currently has a sexually transmitted disease or infection).

Today I want to tackle the ick factor — the I just don’t want to put his thing in my mouth! issue. Because when your husband says he wants oral sex, it may not be what you think.

Set of lips + blog post title

When we hear “oral sex” or “blow job,” we imagine a woman’s mouth enveloping the penis, then the man thrusting in and out to reach an apex of pleasure. But in actuality, a lot of oral sex doesn’t look like that picture.

Oral sex only means one or both of you are using your mouth to stimulate your partner’s genitalia. That’s it. You’re not required to engulf your husband’s penis into your mouth. If you’re nervous about that, and I understand some wives really are, you have many other options you can explore:

  • Kissing the head of his penis
  • Licking the head of his penis
  • Sucking the head of his penis
  • Kissing the shaft of his penis
  • Licking the shaft of his pens
  • Kissing his testicles (as always, be careful and gentle!)

While down there, you can also vary your kisses and your sucking, from peck kisses to licking kisses, and from light sucking on the skin to more pressured sucking of the penis. You can also use your tongue in a gazillion ways, or at least a lot — flicking, licking, twirling, pumping, etc.

It doesn’t have to look like a classic “blow job” for your husband to enjoy your mouth on his manhood. He may be thrilled for your lips to simply kiss and lick the soft head of his penis. Your tongue licking the length of his shaft may send him right over the edge. He might adore you adding mouth contact while you’re giving him a hand job, or he’s taking care of that part, stacking one pleasure on top of another.

Ask him.

Ask what he means when he says he wants oral sex. If you don’t want to do something he suggests, maybe there is a form of oral play you’d be willing to do and you can negotiate. You might even discover that using your mouth for his pleasure gives you pleasure as well.

Put frankly: You don’t have to swallow him or his stuff to have oral sex. Just start with light kisses and progress from there. God made that skin on your husband so sensitive, and it might make your hubby very happy to have some added oral attention there.

Okay, guys — yes, I’m asking specifically from the hubbies — what oral sex would you be happy for your wife to perform? (Of course, wives are always welcome to comment too!)

Still Nervous about Giving Him Oral? Yeah, I Get It.

Nervous woman with hands over mouthYou want me to put my mouth where?!!

That’s the gut response of many wives when they first contemplate giving oral sex. It seems natural to match up genitalia, but when it comes to your mouth, that’s a whole different story. Sure, you love his manhood and all, but you wonder: Is that allowed? Is it healthy? Is it sanitary? Is it biblical? Is it worth it?

Not every wife feels this way, but enough that I want to address the issue. Because if you’re still nervous about giving him oral? Yeah, I get it.

Let’s talk girlfriend-to-girlfriend and break down some wives’ concerns.

Is oral sex okay with God? There are plenty of fringe sexual practices out there, but oral sex doesn’t seem to be one. There is no biblical prohibition on oral sex and at least two possible references to oral sex in the Bible. One is man to woman, and the other is woman to man: “Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste” (Song of Songs 2:3). “Fruit” is a euphemism, of course.

Looking at God’s design of the body, there’s nothing inherently harmful about oral sex. Using lips and tongue on genitals is not far different from hands or fingers on genitals, and semen is not problematic to ingest. Indeed, one study even suggested it has antidepressant qualities. (Go figure.)

Of course, you must discern for yourself and live by your own conscience, but study what the Bible says. Most who have done so with an open mind and open heart believe oral sex is okay with God.

Is it hygienic? This is a big concern for many, especially since the penis is also used for peeing. It can seem unsanitary to put your mouth where urine has been. However, when a man ejaculates, a muscle contracts in the neck of the bladder preventing urine flow into the penis — meaning a man cannot shoot semen and urine at the same time.

Besides (not to be gross here), even if a minuscule amount of urine did enter your mouth by some off-chance, it’s still not bad for you. Urine is mostly waste-filtered water and, while you definitely don’t want to be ingesting much, a teeny bit isn’t harmful.

Still, you may feel it’s not all that sanitary. Or that his groin area can sweat during the day, making it less clean and inviting. If cleanliness is your concern, there’s a simple solution: Have him wash. Ask hubby to take a thorough shower before you begin or simply wash his genitals. You can even suggest a bath together, and do the washing yourself so you know that area is spic-and-span.

Oh, and hair. If that bothers you, plenty of husbands — believe it or not — “manscape.” Your husband might be willing to trim a bit, just like he’d trim a mustache or beard. It doesn’t hurt to ask. But getting his hair in your mouth is still the same as getting any of his other hair in your mouth (which has happened a time or two when I’m lying in bed, my husband rolls over, and suddenly his head of hair is in my face).

So yes, it’s hygienic. The notable exception is that sexually transmitted diseases and infections can be passed by oral-genital contact, so if that is an issue in your marriage, be aware.

Is it worth trying? In a recent survey from The Marriage Bed, 42% of husbands reported they would like to have oral sex much more often. I suspect that’s typical of many marriages, with men desiring their wives give oral sex a go or make it a regular practice. So the first thought is that your husband may think it well worth-trying. And certainly, we want to consider our spouse when it comes to the marriage bed.

However, the question remains whether you think it’s worth trying. If you don’t have moral or hygienic objections, what holds you back? It could be nervousness about what it will feel like, concern you won’t do it right, worry that you’ll gag, or fear of him expecting you to swallow. Let me take some of the pressure off, ladies: You don’t have to stick the whole thing in and swallow semen to give your husband oral sex. Oral sex can involve any contact of your mouth with his penis, meaning you can start slow. In fact, explain to your husband you’re willing to try, but you need to go slow and stay in control of how this goes.

Use your lips and tongue to tease the tip of his penis, or kiss or run your tongue along the shaft. Suck on the very top, putting his penis into your mouth only as far as you can while still breathing comfortably. Let him express what feels good to you, and be willing to adjust according to what he likes and what feels okay with your mouth. You may discover that the skin really isn’t that different from other parts of his body (except how soft it is) or that you’re also excited by how effectively your mouth arouses your husband.

You may enjoy it. If so, you can always do it more. If instead you feel awkward or uncomfortable, you can take break, breathe a little, then try again. Or you can suggest turning to another sexual activity to finish, like a hand job or intercourse. Trying a new sexual activity once doesn’t mean you have to do it again and again, but you might find out that, with an open mind and some practice, you like giving him oral sex — that it arouses you as well. So yeah, it could be worth trying.

What are your concerns about giving oral sex? Is anything else holding you back?

I address oral sex more fully in my book, Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives.

Oral Sex: Better to Give and Receive, Part Deux

Quick note: One very clinical illustration below may still make this post unsafe for viewing at your workplace. Just wanted to give fair warning.

In my last post, I introduced the topic of cunnilingus — that is, oral sex performed on a woman. I discussed whether this practice is okay with God and why a married couple might want to engage in it. Today I’m covering the more practical side: If you do have oral sex, how can a wife make it feel as good as possible?

Meanwhile, at this point, I think I need to get the t-shirt. What do you think?

Oh no, you didn't! t-shirt
from Spreadshirt.com

What do you need to do to enjoy receiving oral sex? Just “lie back and think of tinglin’? Sort of. Yes. What I mean is that you need to relax. A wife who has never engaged in or been unable to enjoy receiving oral sex may tense when her husband starts to “go down” on her. We have all kinds of thoughts: Do I want his mouth on my girly parts? Is this clean? What do I smell like down there? What do I look like down there? Eyes up here, buddy; don’t look at my thunder thighs! Does this make me a slut? What does God think of this? What do I think of this?

If those are the wife’s thoughts (and many more because our brains are like tidal waves much of the time), here is what the husband is thinking: Sex. Wife. Vulva. Sweet. Love.

If only we could live in a guy brain for a minute or two, we could relax too.

Much like I suggested in my post about how to orgasm (If Only I Could O), you have to shut off the distractions, train yourself to open up to the sensations your body is feeling, and go with the flow. Let your husband turn you on. When you open your body up to him and to sexual pleasure, you are beautiful and sexy to him.

How can you help it go well? Learn your body. Know your anatomy and where it is likely to feel good. Below is a diagram of a woman’s genitals for your information. (Believe me when I say that I look for the most clinical diagram I can find to avoid any visual titillation here.) The most pleasurable part of a woman’s anatomy is the clitoris, a knobby bit of flesh at the top of the genitalia. Doctors and researchers report that this area must be stimulated directly or indirectly for a woman to orgasm. But the labia minora are also quite sensitive to touch.

Female genitals illustration

pic from American Academy of Pediatrics

As you think about what feels good, give directions. Not as in, “a little to the left, buddy. No, not there! Ouch. Can’t you do anything right? The left, the left!” Gently let your husband know what feels good. You can moan, groan, whisper, ooh, aah, talk, gyrate, purr, or even roar — whatever suits your fancy. You can adjust his head so that his lips and tongue contact you in a delightful place. You can use your hand to open up your vaginal lips and give him more direct access. Some wives (and husbands) swear by shaving or waxing that area to increase sensation and arousal (see Trimming the Hedges); some wives are not comfortable with that. Also, you might want to take a bath or shower beforehand to make sure everything is clean down there and smells nice.

You may wish to talk to your husband ahead of time. Let him know he needs to go slow. It does not feel good to most wives to have hubby go down and start brashly licking or sucking the clitoris. We need time to build up. He can begin by kissing your lips, your body, your thighs, and then move to the genital area. The lips and tongue should be used to tease for a while before pressure is increased. After a while of slow stimulation, you may want him to increase the speed and/or pressure of his mouth’s action against your skin.

Will you climax? Maybe. Cunnilingus is one of the easier ways for a woman to experience an orgasm — because the focus is on her and the clitoris can receive direct stimulation. Whether you climax or not, oral sex is likely to feel good to most wives who wish to have the experience.

Some couples use oral sex as foreplay. In fact, when a wife approaches climax, she may feel a strong desire for penetration. You can allow climax to occur during oral stimulation from your husband or move to intercourse and perhaps experience an orgasm after entry. For women, there are no guarantees for having an orgasm during sexual encounters. In fact, that’s not the purpose of marital intimacy. It is about closeness and pleasure. The paradox is that if you focus on your relationship and pleasurable sensations, you are more likely to have that orgasm.

Now I know I will get comments to this post! I want to say how tickled I was at the tone of the comments for my “blow job” post. Those who commented were respectful, frank, helpful, encouraging, and not inappropriately graphic. So what do you have to say on this subject? What do you like or dislike about oral sex? Have you tried cunnilingus in your marriage? And husbands, please share what you enjoy about the experience.