On Monday, Eric and Heather Viets from Preengaged.com were here advising How Much Should You Learn about Sex before the Wedding Night? With their background in engagement and pre-engagement counseling and their godly wisdom, the Vietses were the perfect couple to address that issue.
But their post got me thinking. If I could go back and give my pre-sex self a few pointers, what would I say?
Now we’re going to pretend that my wedding night is the first time I have sex. Because that’s what I should have done; that’s when my godly sex life began; and that’s how I believe God sees me now, having extended to me His forgiveness and redemption. Anyway . . . here’s what I wish I’d known right before my wedding night.
Awkward and clumsy are natural in the bedroom. Listen, honey, you aren’t filming a love scene for a movie featured at the Sundance Film Festival. Don’t worry about how you look, getting it “right,” or even falling off the bed. If you fall, laugh and get back up. Your hubby will laugh with you (not at you) and help you get back up.
You’re there to grow closer to one another and have a good time. So let go and enjoy! Indeed, some of your awkward/clumsy moments will become cherished memories that demonstrate how comfortable and authentic you can be in this marriage.
Yes, it’s big, but it will fit. The first time I saw a flaccid penis, I figured, “I can see how that would work.” The first time I saw an erect penis, I thought, “OH. MY. GOD.” Seriously, I wondered what God was thinking and how something that size would ever fit in the space that once freaked at the thought of a slim tampon.
But God knew exactly what He was thinking and creating. (He always does.) Yeah, your husband’s penis is not small, but your vagina has superpowers — like Elastigirl from The Incredibles. God made it stretchy and able to adapt to his size. With lubricant and acclimation, hubby’s manhood will slide right in . . . and feel superpower good.
Pee before and after. If I was less blunt, I would have nicely said, “Eliminate your bladder before and after sexual intercourse” — just like my gynecologist said it. About ten years after I got married. *eye roll*
I could have saved myself a few urinary tract infections and the accompanying discomfort if only I’d simply taken the time to use the toilet both before and after having sex. Admittedly, it’s not always possible to get to a potty before you and the hubster start going at it, but after is pretty much a given. You can “afterglow” later, right after you empty your bladder. There’s no guarantee that you’ll never get an infection with this practice, but it does help.
He won’t think you’re a crazy nympho if you really, really participate. Making noise, making faces, making motions, making like you’re having the time of your life: Yeah, none of that will make your husband think you’re a sex-crazed freak who should be contained in a straitjacket and only let out on Wednesdays to do laundry. In fact — brace yourself — he’ll like it.
One of the biggest turn-ons for a husband is knowing that his wife is enjoying their sexual intimacy. Watching you “get into it” is, well, awesome in his book. Release your inhibitions and surrender to the experience. Your husband will seek your pleasure and revel in it. Moreover, that’s what God intended — for you both to seek one another’s good and become one flesh, even in the bedroom.
Take your time. Once you begin the actual intercourse, things may be over pretty quickly. On the wedding night. At least for him. Finally being inside you may well send him over the hump like a racing roller coaster over that first hill.
So take your time beforehand. And not only to draw out the sexual experience, but to get to know one another’s bodies and to savor all the delights of foreplay. Lovemaking is the whole kit-and-caboodle — not merely penetration, but kissing and stroking and fondling and pleasuring one another. So slow down and enjoy the entire thing.
You will be sore, just like you were after your first aerobics class. Hey, you’re using muscles you haven’t used before. What do you expect? But just like exercise, you shouldn’t respond by deciding it hurts too much that you have to stop doing it.
Be gentle, be careful, but keep up the “exercise.” Your body will get used to it, and sex will no longer hurt. Your husband can also help you acclimate by massaging your opening with his fingers, by helping to make sure you are fully lubricated before he enters, and by adjusting the angle at which he penetrates to avoid over-stretching or tearing.
Of course, “sore” isn’t the same as “excruciating.” So if it hurts like a hot poker, press pause on the intercourse and call your doctor. (You can check out my post about painful sex here.)
So those are some practical tips I’d give myself before the wedding night? What would you tell your pre-wed, pre-sex self to prepare her for sexual intimacy?