Welcome to the Summer of Q&A with J! The first question I’m tackling today addresses giving your husband the green light for frequent sex. If you let him know you’ll say yes when he initiates, will you be stuck with more sex than you can handle? Read on.
“[I]n offering sex to my husband every day, sometimes more than once a day, I have turned him into a sex maniac, I think. He told me that he and his late wife, with whom he had a very good marriage…went through periods…when they only had sex once or twice a year, and that even as newlyweds, it was only once or twice a week. Supposedly if you offer your husband sex every day, this dissipates his fear that he won’t ‘get any’, so his demand goes down. No, just the reverse, daily sex and multiple daily sex has become the norm. Just recently we slowed down to maybe five days a week.
“I’m ok with this — for myself, I’m not so crazy about sex, but I love having that experience with my husband — but, as both of us are devout people, I wonder if it’s such a good thing for him. I know it’s good for his health and good for our marriage, but I wonder if awakening so much desire is really a good thing, spiritually. I talk to him about it, because he is surprised by this too, but he doesn’t feel it has any bearing on faith or spirituality…
“On the one hand I am concerned about turning my husband into a sex maniac but on the other hand I can’t help but be flattered.”
I see two major issues in this reader’s question.
“Supposedly if you offer your husband sex every day, this dissipates his fear that he won’t ‘get any’, so his demand goes down.”
I suspect this is true, but not over the short-term. When a higher-drive spouse has longed for sex but hasn’t gotten to experience it fully, an invitation to partake at will can result in a bit of overindulgence. Why? For some, it feels like this just can’t be. They worry this offer is too good to be true, so they must get as much as possible now, just in case, or they test the waters to confirm it’s real and not a pinch-me-awake dream.
Also, imagine you’ve been wanting and waiting for something for a long time. When you finally get the go-ahead, you can go a bit crazy. Think about young kids and Christmas, the first visitors to an amusement park or concert, or even “Black Friday.” If you’ve camped outside Wal-Mart since midnight waiting for the deep-discounted holiday shopping to begin, when 4 a.m. arrives and the attendant throws open those doors . . . you might sprint into and through that store with the fervor of a Cheetah on Red Bull.
But I’ve been shopping on Black Friday afternoon, and it’s not bad. After the initial hype, things ease into a typical holiday shopping crowd. I’d expect the same to happen in a marriage. Once you throw open those bedroom doors to your husband (or wife), they might be extra-eager to soak up all the intimacy they can get. Over time, however, things will likely settle a bit. Will they settle to the same level you might want? Maybe, maybe not. Your higher-drive honey may always want more than you’d order up, but you probably won’t be inundated with Energizer-bunny levels of sexual intimacy.
“I know it’s good for his health and good for our marriage, but I wonder if awakening so much desire is really a good thing, spiritually.”
On one hand, how could it possibly be bad to awaken sexual desire in your marriage and enjoy God’s gift of physical intimacy? Isn’t it living into God’s design to enjoy frequent sex together?
Some believe because sex is physical, it’s somehow “lesser-than” in the spiritual realm. Yet many Spirit-filled activities have a physical component. Consider Matthew 25:34-36: “Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.” Jesus counts all these things, very physical manifestations of love, as righteousness. Sex as God designed is a physical expression of agape love to your mate. And because God is so loving, He made it physically pleasurable.
However, there is another side to this. The Bible says sex can get in the way of focusing on your faith at times. Why else would it say…?
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” —1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (emphasis added)
Refraining from sex here is clearly a set period of time, agreed upon by both spouses, and for a specific purpose. It can be good to abstain from sexual relations for a short period to dedicate yourself to prayer—as one might fast from food for the same reason. It’s not the thing itself (food/sex) that is a problem, but removing potential distractions can foster one-on-one time with God. Day-to-day, however, there’s no indication frequent sex itself interferes with spirituality.
Still, sex could mess up your spiritual life if it continually competes with God for your attention. Exodus 20:3 says: “You shall have no other gods before me.” Anything can become a “god” to you, meaning you place it above the real Father in Heaven. Jesus also said: “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Luke 12:34). If one’s focus becomes all about sex, sex, and more sex—so that your heart is there and not with God and your spouse—then yeah, that’s a red-flag issue.
In the case of this specific reader, I suggest she hang in there, because the frequency will probably go down a little bit more. (Although 4-5 times a week sounds good to me.) She doesn’t have to say yes every single time to be honoring God and her husband with sexual intimacy. But she can. As long as you are prioritizing God above all and otherwise devoting yourselves to your faith, get it on as often as you’d like. And thank God for the goodies when you’re done!
As a higher drive wife with a refusing/gatekeeping husband, when we worked through the bulk of our sexual mismatch and I grew healthier mentally and spiritually concerning my self worth, at first, yes I was voracious, but then something happened…..having the freedom to have sex with my husband helped me find my true sex drive and I was surprised to learn it is a lot lower than I originally thought.
The freedom makes it ok to catch some zzzz’s instead of some o’s because I knew I could initiate when I was ready…and not just grab it when I can.
In fact, there are times his drive is higher than mine!!
I also was able to get enough physical release to enjoy the mental, emotional, spiritual, and deep relational aspect of sex.
okay so what if you are on that perfect husband? Like I open car doors, laundry, clean house, contribute to the bill, is the love giver in and outside the bedroom, spiritual for God in the home or outside and everything I do is out of love and she gets mad when I want her intimacy in the bedroom, she saids “but I give it to you at least 2-3 times a week”. And that’s lucky if I get it 2 times a week. my want for her intimacy with me is with love and caring not of lust is pure love and thirst to have the person you love. Not here to put her down but to understand how to real my wife to make love and have that what we all want. PS is frustrating when all you do is give and you don’t get back and I know in the Bible says, that you should love her without expecting anything back. Any help?
Almost Perfect, it sounds like you are indeed a wonderful husband. Although I wonder if you’re meeting her specific needs. Have you asked about her love language, what makes her feel loved? Going further, why does she get mad? It sounds like she believes sex is something for you, and not for her. What has produced that perspective? I’d make sure you’re not doing, doing, doing for her then expecting something in return, when maybe —just maybe—she really needs you to listen and hear how she feels about all this.
Yes, I know this is another hunk of pressure on you to get things right! Frustrating indeed. But if we want things to change, we sometimes have to step out and try something different.
One more thing: Twice a week ain’t bad. You clearly want to add more, and I’m totally in favor of that for you and your marriage. But also make sure you’re treasuring what you already have. Many, many blessings!
Great post!
I have friends that adopted a girl from Ethiopia. When they got her home they found out that she was hiding food for later thinking that there wouldn’t be any more food. Once she learned that there was plenty of food she stopped hiding the food for later.
If you have never gotten your sexual fill, it is likely that you will over indulge or be suspect that the source may dry up.
What an instructive story! Thanks, Col!
This is EXACTLY how another marriage blogger described it a long while back. He called it Starvation Mode, I think. After he and his wife confronted sexual sin in their marriage (porn and masturbation for him and withholding for her), he felt like a sex fiend because he just wasn’t sure that these changes were going to last, and like a child who believes food is scarce, he was “hoarding” sex by having it multiple times a day. But after some time had passed, he saw that the changes were sticking and he realized he was not as high drive as he thought. Sex every day became too much even for him. Three to four times a week was perfect… For both of them!
To answer this question, the definition of a “sex maniac” is necessary. A sex maniac, in my humble opinion, is someone who puts sex as a priority in their marriage and neglects other aspects of marriage. Frequency is not relevant. You can have sex once a day and not be a sex maniac. However, if having sex once a day negatively affects other necessary aspects of being a loving husband or a respectful wife, then those issues need to be addressed (and not simply reducing the frequency of sex–not a good solution!).
Thank you for the well-thought out and scriptural response! 1 Cor 7:34 bothered me so much, when I was deciding whether to marry or not: “An unmarried woman or a virgin is anxious about the things of the Lord, so that she may be holy in both body and spirit. A married woman, on the other hand, is anxious about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. ” But I felt that God was calling me to be a solace and helpmeet to my wonderful husband, and I am so glad that I did marry. The ‘fasting’ analogy (fasting can be good but not because food is bad) was helpful. My focus isn’t on the sex, it’s on my husband and his joy. He is a good, holy man and I guess I should let him worry about his own spirituality!
Wow J! You really nailed it describing how a spouse with high drive tends to over do frequency when the door of opportunity is suddenly wide open. It is much like Malachi 4:2 that he/she “will go out and leap like calves released from the stall.” It is difficult to restrain this kind of exuberance! This can be a maddening experience for the partner with lower libido- for awhile…
As you brought out so beautifully, agape love is the key to working through this temporarily HUGE mismatch. Love is patient. Love is kind. The frequency pendulum will swing back and forth many times through the years. The husband and wife who truly love one another will discover great joy in dancing to the to-and-fro rhythm of satisfying intimacy.
Ha! What a perfect scripture. 🙂
J, I think your response to this question was great. Very well thought out and well written.
I must admit, (me being a much higher drive wife) my first response to reading this question was “oh please! This woman should just be happy that her husband loves and desires her so much! How amazing it would feel to know you were so appealing to your husband!” To me, her situation sounds like an absolute dream come true!
But then, I realized I was being self centered. So after taking my focus off of myself, I told myself “you know, everyone has problems, and her problem is no less important than yours. Maybe, for her, this isn’t an ideal situation.” So then I was able to read the answer with a much more open mind.
Again, J, I think you’re response was one of the best I’ve read lately. And to the original asker I’d say, please be sure you realize what a blessing it is that your husband has such a strong desire for you. It’s a HUGE blessing!
Thanks so much. And yeah, this is a situation many higher-drive wives long to be in. We do have different challenges, though. Thanks, B.
Great post. Shows the balance/priority choice of physical/spiritual intimacy.
Look at the last half of v. 5: “Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
The logical extension of this verse is that the likelihood of the deprived spouse’s “focus becom[ing] all about sex, sex, and more sex” is way greater than if they are well-satisfied in that area and in a loving one-flesh relationship. By that I mean that they aren’t made to feel unwelcome or rushed at every sexual encounter with their spouse (“Again?” “Are you done yet?” “Ewww! Nasty stuff!”).
I am in a sexless marriage (HJ once every month to six weeks) and when the counselor asks (rarely) what frequency would satisfy me, I have to answer that I have no idea since it’s been almost 20 years since I’ve been satisfied but I think about it almost all the time. The same way you would think about food if you got a tiny bowl of oatmeal on an irregular schedule and never often enough to really satisfy your hunger for food. O, yes, and you were criticized and humiliated for being hungry.
ouch, this sounds painful
I feel so sad, reading the stories of spouses who are being almost totally deprived of marital intimacy. I honestly would be happy to live without sex, but I love my husband so much and want to make him happy. I get a lot of satisfaction in doing that, plus he makes me feel like the most attractive woman in the world. If someone had told me before I married that I’d be ‘doing it’ all hours of the day and night, sometimes daily and more than daily, I would have been scared to death. But in fact it does me no harm at all, but fills me with joy. God must have just decided to bless me in my ignorance, I guess, but I pray for those who are having difficulties.
Your prayers mean a lot. Thank you.
You really handled answering this well. I’m not sure I would have known how to address the spiritual aspect of the question. I can’t imagine how sex with your spouse could get in the way of serving the Lord. I guess anything can though, if you look at it through the lens of anything becoming an idol.
“I guess anything can though, if you look at it through the lens of anything becoming an idol.”
Exactly, Keelie.
Sometimes I’m afraid my obsession with “not being enough” for my husband has become an idol. I obsess over it and it takes up a great deal of my time.
The weird thing is, he’s a great provider, he tells me he loves me so much multiple times a day. He claims he thinks I’m pretty and he likes my body. He likes to hold my hand and snuggle – things that would thrill most women. But his lack of interest and our lack of marital intimacy screams “you’re not enough, you’ll never be as good as other women, he does not love you.”
Being a higher drive wife is awful! I feel like he’s not attracted to me and I’ll never be good enough for him. And yet he “says” he loves me so much, it drives me insane. I wish he’d understand. I can’t talk to him or it makes him feel like he’s not man enough and I NEVER want him to feel that way. But it’s becoming an unhealthy obsession of mine, an idol, if you will. I have no idea why Keelie and Dan’s comments struck a chord with me, but they did. Perhaps that was God’s plan.
Thanks, J, for providing a place for all of us to go and share and help one another.
You say you can’t talk to him about it….
I am a higher drive husband. For years I struggled with being interested when she wasn’t. I knew she loved me and wanted to please me, but she just wasn’t interested. I knew it was painful to her when I would try to share the pain this caused me. Eventually, we came to the place where we could talk about this more openly. I think the key was for me to communicate that I loved her regardless. My advice is that if you’re hurting, tell your spouse all about it even if it causes him/her pain. Communicate that you don’t want to pain them and that you love them, but you have to share how you feel and you need their comfort (they can comfort you even without sex). This way, you can both be hurt and in pain together and then comfort each other. For us, I think this is leading us to a better way.
Thanks so much for adding your perspective. Really appreciate it, K! Blessings.
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J – Great thoughts on both counts.
In my limited experaince, those who are sexually repressed are also spiritually repressed. legalistic maybe, but repressed. Those who are able to be open with one usually mange to grow in the other in healthy ways.
in my own experience, when my wife dealt with her issues from her past sexual abuse and because open to sex almost whenever I wanted, at first I tested her asking for it much more than I needed it wondering if I was dreaming. And for awhile I was more than a little scared I was dreaming and pushed her for it as often as possible with rarely, if ever a denial from her.
That’s been about a year or so ago. Now we’ve settled into a rythem of 2-3 times a week. But if it’s less, it doesn’t really matter or even bother me. For me, having access to my wife whenever I need her has significantly reduced my need for sex.
This sums it up. When I was starving I ate what ever I could get my hands on, never knowing if it would be my last meal. Now that I’m well fed I’m still not Limey to turn down a new offered me, but I’m not going to gorge myself because I know I will get the nourishment I need.
Well-stated. 🙂
A good sex is the one in which both parties are satisfied and fulfilled, so as a wife it is the focus or attitude that satisfying the sexual demands of your husband that you are doing him a favour. This is a wrong attitude toward sexual demands from your husband. That your husband is the one demanding for sex most of the time does not mean that he enjoys the sexual relationship alone unless that is what some women want us to believe.
In fact, the more your husband demands sex from you the more his heart is with you and the less he is tempted to seek for sexual satisfaction outside your matrimonial home. Quite often, men who got involved, that is men who got involved in infidelity are men whose sexual demands and desires are not met by their wives. A good wife should satisfy the sexual needs of her husband and a good husband should at all time ensure that a good sexual atmosphere is created for the wife to meet up with his sexual desires.
Untrue. Actually, many men stray even though they are satisfied at home sexually. I have struggled for years being the higher sex drive spouse.. My husband was just shut down and rejected any advance. My self esteem was so low and any time I heard a wife complain about their husband chasing them around I cried and wanted to slap her. Be thankful your husband is attracted to you. My saving grace was actually having a baby 7 months ago. My drive is significantly lower due to stress, fatigue, and nursing. Luckily my husband and I had a really open conversation a few months after baby was born about why I need the physical intimacy so badly. I pulled up a few articles about why some women have physical needs similar to men and it helped soooooooo much! He could finally see and hear what I needed him to! He apologized for causing me so much pain and swore to never refuse my advances again and to also make an effort to ” chase ” me! So for both sexes who need more physical intimacy, there is hope!