Many spouses long to be touched by their beloved more or in a different way. Maybe you’re among those couples for whom physical affection fell off after marriage or the newlywed years. Or maybe touch has never been your relationship’s strong suit.
Let’s get back on track. Or on track for the first time! Here are six kinds of touch every marriage should have and/or foster.
- She nudges her husband with her elbow to get his attention before speaking.
- He reaches over and wipes a smudge from her cheek.
- She taps her husband’s shoulder and points out something interesting.
All of these are touches you wouldn’t do with a stranger but would do with a family member or friend. You’re in relationship with such people, so there’s an amount of casual touching that’s not only allowed but expected. There’s no particular emotional message being sent, other than the underlying familiarity you have with one another.
When a marriage is in trouble, even casual touches like these can disappear. If you’re nervous to touch your spouse in a familiar way, then you need to do some work on your relationship and perhaps even see a counselor.
- He gives her a foot rub.
- She massages his sore shoulders.
- He palms her forehead to check for fever.
- She puts his hair in a ponytail (true story with Spock’s pandemic hair).
Sometimes we need another to help care for us in some way. It could be small gestures like those mention here or bigger ones, particular in times of health crises or other adversity. For instance, my husband did a lot of caretaking for me when I was on pregnancy bed rest.
Such is our calling as we pledge ourselves to one another “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.” One of the many advantages of marriage is having a companion to care for you when needed.
Hopefully, this is done out of love more than obligation, out of commitment more than duty. That’s not to say we’ll always enjoy the caretaking moment, but we engage in that physical touch because we are connected to and support one another. “No, I don’t want to tweeze that hair coming out of your ear, but I will. And that says True Love as much as anything.”
- She starts to cry, and he pulls her into a bear hug.
- When he announces he’s lost his job, she reaches over and squeezes his hand.
- She asks if he still thinks she’s beautiful, and he cradles her chin in his hands and smiles down at her lovingly.
Disappointment, doubt, grief, frustration, anger—any number of negative emotions can hit us at various times, and the reassuring touch of our spouse can settle our hearts and heads. We may still feel bad, but we at least don’t feel alone.
When we need that reassurance and don’t get it, we can feel even more lonely. Not only are we facing difficulty, we should have support but don’t. Oftentimes, it takes great calm and courage for a spouse to provide that needed reassuring touch when their mate is in the midst of negative emotion. Even seeing our spouse in pain can be stressful to us, or we worry about getting caught up in the storm, but we can be our spouse’s buoy or even anchor in that storm.
Physical touch can reassure us of the presence, the concern, and the love of our mate.6 Kinds of Touch Every Marriage Needs. "Physical touch can reassure us of the presence, the concern, and the love of our mate." via @hotholyhumorous Click To Tweet
All of the three touches above—familiar, caretaking, and reassuring—could also be provided by a family member or friend. Next, we have three touches specific to your marriage relationship.
- He slips his hand into hers as they walk toward the store.
- She cuddles next to him as they watch TV.
- He pulls her close as they slow-dance to the music.
Romantic touches signify “we are a couple.” They display and nurture intimacy, without being sexual.
Romantic touches might include some kinds of kisses, like a peck or a soft kiss, and go beyond familiar to personal and private. This is the kind of affection that if you showed another, you’d be crossing a line. But with your spouse, it’s special, endearing, and reinforcing what it means to be “one flesh” (see Genesis 2:24, Mark 10:7-9).
If you haven’t had much of this in your marriage, spend a lot of time here!
Some marriage counselors have found that requiring couples to hold hands during therapy or to/from the office helps spouses rekindle interest, and research has shown that a 20-second hug produces oxytocin, the bonding chemical or “love hormone” that helps us feel connected with another. If you’re out of practice, it may feel rote to touch one another romantically at first, but you’ll eventually move from awkward to amorous.
- He plants a long, lingering kiss at the nape of her neck.
- She palms his chest and slowly moves her hand down his torso until it rests right above his “happy place.”
- They close in and passionately kiss for several seconds, minutes, or who-knows-how-long—because time disappears.
Will sex happen? Maybe, maybe not. But sensuality is definitely happening. And whether or not sex comes next, this kind of touch is sexy stuff that can give you wonderful feelings about yourself, your spouse, your marriage, and life in general.
Ideally, sensual touch doesn’t lead to sex every time. Rather, it’s enjoyed for its own sake, as a show of intimacy, desire, and passion. Moreover, it sets the overall tone of your marriage so that when sex does happen, it’s even more pleasurable and satisfying.6 Kinds of Touch Every Marriage Needs. "Ideally, sensual touch doesn't lead to sex every time. Rather, it's enjoyed for its own sake, as a show of intimacy, desire, and passion." via @hotholyhumorous Click To Tweet
Hint to the gents out there: A lot of wives tell me they’d like more sensual touch without the expectation of sex immediately following. As frustrating as that may seem at first, investing in this kind of touch could lead to more sexual interest and confidence from your wife, meaning ultimately more and better sex. But don’t just do it to get more sex. Do it because it’s awesome.
- He lowers his mouth to her breast…
- She unzips his pants and…
- He settles himself between her legs and…
Yeah, all of those end with ellipses (…) because erotic touches are the physical affection that happens behind closed doors or in the privacy of your own space. Yes, they’re sexual, but not merely sexual. They are intended to create arousal, excitement, desire, and passion.
If the erotic touches in your marriage don’t stir something inside you, then you may need to change something up. Perhaps it’s due to trauma from your background, or a misunderstanding of sexuality, or physical or relational issues, or needing to improve technique (see 7 Reasons You Don’t Want Sex). But whatever it is, you should address it so that eroticism can be present in your marriage bed. Such touches should feel good.
Erotic touches should also take time. They are leading somewhere, but they feel good on their own too. Make sure to draw them out and savor the sensations.
If you need it after that last section, go grab a cold shower. I’ll wait. ~wink~
Okay, now that you’re back, let’s sum up the six touches every marriage needs.
Now ask yourself which, if any, your marriage needs more of? For those in less satisfying marriages sexually, don’t skip right to erotic; rather think through how all of these touches create an atmosphere of security that allows for the vulnerability needed for sexual intimacy.
And if you’re having great sex already, you might have neglected caregiving or romantic affection and need to work on those areas.
Take a look at the list, maybe discuss it with your beloved, and consider what kind of physical touch you can expand in your marriage.
His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me.Song of Songs 2:6, 8:3
11 thoughts on “6 Kinds of Touch Every Marriage Needs”
I’m a husband, and I love ALL six of these!
I am very grateful, that while my husband is low drive, he IS very touchy-feely. We both do all of these because physical touch a top love language for both of us.
My husband and I hug every day when he gets up (usually after I do), when he leaves for work and when he gets home. Touch is a stronger love language for him than for me, but I do enjoy things like sitting close together on the couch and snuggling in bed (and hugs). And I have to remember and make a point of touching him spontaneously (a hug around the middle from behind, placing my hand on his leg while we’re watching TV) as it doesn’t necessarily occur to me to do these things even though I know he appreciates them. Thanks for the reminder!
That’s a good point: that we may need to remind ourselves, because it doesn’t necessarily occur to us in daily life to touch as much as we could or should.
Physical touch is my main love language, so all of these are fantastic for me. Reassuring is particularly wonderful for me, since I got very little of that before I met my husband.
For sensual touch, I think of it as always leading to sex, but the timeline is unknown. So sensual touch may lead to sex in 20 minutes, or it may lead to sex in 3 days. Either way, it’s contributing to the buildup of desire.
Ooh, that’s a nice way to think about sensual touch. I like it!
My husband is the lower/responsive drive spouse, but he is fantastic with the more romantic type touches. We hold hands almost every time we are either sitting, standing, or walking together. He kisses and hugs me before and after work every day. Getting these kinds of non-sexual touches daily definitely makes me feel loved.
What category would getting a smack on the butt be considered? Do any other wives get one of those every now and then? I do see it as playful, sort of like being tickled. Neither of which I appreciate while I am cooking or cleaning, but at other times could possibly be welcomed.
When hubby would touch me / grab me in the kitchen , I would internally roll my eyes , even though I didn’t do it on the outside.
I listened to Dr Doug Weiss podcast episode titled , “To grope or not to grope” and it turned my thinking 180 degrees. I understand his thinking now and I welcome the touch. ( Poor hubby had to wait 30 years for me to change my perspective. )
I get “goosed” or patted every so often when I’m getting up off the couch or while standing at the bathroom sink…I’m not sure if this would fit into any of these categories; “playful” might be a new category, or maybe “appreciative”? 🙂
As a 20 year old newlywed, I’d like to say THANK YOU!
My husband and I have been reading through some Christian intimacy literature (“Intended for pleasure” by Ed and Gaye Wheat, as well as “Married Sex” by Debra Fileta and Gary Thomas) but have had trouble finding wholesome advice on sex that is more – should I say “explicit”? As newlyweds we have kind of been repeating the same sex routine since our honeymoon a few months ago. It’s hard to get creative when you’re completely oblivious to the world of possibilities at your fingertips! I really appreciate how your blog puts God and His design for sex first, offering advice that sparks the imagination without being dishonoring to Him or to the couples reading.
You’re welcome! So glad I could help. Hope you subscribe! 🧡
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