Tag Archives: Sex Chat for Christian Wives

Happily Book Review: Contrarian Advice for a Great Marriage

On Tuesday, we released another podcast episode on Sex Chat for Christian Wives, but this one was unusual: we hosted a male guest. Kevin A. Thompson is the lead pastor at Community Bible Church in western Arkansas, speaks at marriage and parenting conferences, and has authored two marriage books, including Friends, Lovers, and Partners.

I don’t know how I originally connected with Kevin, but I’ve read his blog for some time and interacted with him online. I’ve been impressed with his willingness to address tough topics from a biblical viewpoint. And he came at it again in his most recent book, Happily: 8 Commitments of Couples Who Laugh, Love & Last.

(Note: I received a copy of this book free from the author, but I promised nothing but to read it. My decision to write this review is entirely my own.)

Kevin starts by discussing our tendency tend to believe that happy and unhappy marriages occur through luck or by getting certain rules right, like “you must find and marry The One.” However, the real way to both avoid divorce and have a happy marriage is to embrace eight contrarian commitments he outlines in the book.

These contrarian commitments are Jesus’ contrarian principles for our lives, laid out in the Sermon on the Mount, the section we call the Beatitudes.

The First Commitment

For example, the first commitment is to Happily Humble Yourselves. Easier said than done, right? And yet, think how many marriage struggles are caused or exacerbated by our lack of humility. As Kevin says, “At the heart of nearly every marriage problem is pride,” but he also points out that “most of the people we meet who lack humility are not arrogant; we are insecure.”

What if we instead had a right perspective of ourselves in comparison to God? What if we understood our value, so we didn’t fall prey to insecurity, as well as our insufficiency, so we didn’t fall prey to arrogance?

What if both of you approached your next conflict with humility? And what if you approached your marriage bed and all the issues surrounding it with true humility—neither arrogant nor insecure? Wouldn’t you listen better, make your requests in a more loving way, pursue help more quickly?

The Second Commitment

Now take the second commitment he covers: Embrace the Hurt. What?! you say. I didn’t get married to get hurt!

Well, are you breathing and in relationship with anyone on this earth? Then welcome to some hurt. In our broken world, that’s how this goes. We will disappoint one another. But that does not mean you cannot have genuine joy, because hurt can result in healing and growth.

Kevin reminds us, “Marriage reveals our flaws and exposes our greatest wounds.” It’s the iron sharpens iron principle, which I discuss at more length in my devotional book Intimacy Revealed. That friction reveals our flaws and gives us an opportunity to improve ourselves and serve others.

Of course, there’s a big difference between the regular, inherent hurt we feel when our differences rub against each another and the pain of abuse. If you’re experiencing the latter, you do not happily endure that. Kevin states that we need to distinguish which pain is a caused by a problem not to be tolerated and which is the result of our imperfection and need for growth.

For those in abusive situations, seek help. Today. Now. Stop reading this blog post and go research abuse resources in your area.

For those in the regular conflict of marriage, Happily‘s prescription is to mourn the emotional pain we feel when let down by others. Which will inevitably happen. But then seek how to grow together through the hurt.

The Commitments & the Beatitudes

As you can see, these two commitments reflect the first two Beatitudes from Matthew 5:3-4:

  • Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
  • Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

The remaining six commitments do the same:

  • Happily Avoid Both Apathy and Aggression (“Blessed are the meek…”)
  • Happily See Marriage as Bigger than You (“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness…”)
  • Happily Refuse Power Struggles (“Blessed are the merciful…”)
  • Happily Live in Truth (“Blessed are the pure in heart…”)
  • Happily Make Peace (“Blessed are the peacemakers …”)
  • Happily Endure Whatever May Come (“Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness…“)

Maybe some of those commitments surprise you, especially when paired with the word Happily.

Yet what made the difference in my own marriage when it was failing? Yes, I benefited a lot from specific resources that helped me work through issues in our relationship. My ministry is all about providing that kind of resource for couples who are struggling or simply want to improve their sexual intimacy.

But the key for me and my marriage was, through prayer and intention, living out biblical principles day to day: principles like those found in the love passage in 1 Corinthians 13, the Fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23, and the Beatitudes as covered in this book. Once you shift your attitude to that of Christ, you can make real progress in your marriage.

Once you shift your attitude to that of Christ, you can make real progress in your marriage. via @hotholyhumorous Click To Tweet

And as Kevin says, those who put in the effort to have a good marriage may feel lucky, but it’s because they put in the effort that yielded the blessings. I recommend this as a book for a couples to read together and discuss, but it’s also good for one spouse to read and put into practice. Check it out here:

And be sure listen to our podcast episode with Kevin here:

5 Ways This Podcast Helps Your Sex Life (#5 Is a Giveaway)

Did y’all know that I have a podcast?

Even after talking a lot about being one of four hosts of Sex Chat for Christian Wives, I still have people now and then on my Facebook page or here on the blog saying, “What, you have a podcast?”

Sex Chat for Christian Wives Logo + faces of podcast hosts

More often, I’m sure there are those of you who have thought to yourself, I should check out that podcast sometime, but you haven’t done it just yet.

Maybe you don’t even know how to get to a podcast! Where would you go to listen? If that’s you, please go read Podcast Listening for Beginners on the OysterBed7 blog.

And perhaps a few of you are actually tired of me talking about this podcast and wondering why I’m pushing it so much.

Wherever you are regarding my podcast with three other marriage and sex bloggers, let me share on today’s High Five Saturday reasons I love this podcast and, more importantly, how it can really help your sex life.

Blog post title + illustration of microphone

1. We deliver content on-the-go.

To read this post, you had to stop everything enough to be able to focus on the words and take in the message. And honestly, this is my favorite way to deliver content! I’m at my core a writer.

But I’m also a very busy person — with my work, household management, parenting, and other pursuits — taking up quite a bit of time. So I’ve found that one of the best ways that I can receive information I want is to listen to it while on-the-go.

If you were to see me in the grocery store, or while doing at laundry at home, or in the midst of getting ready for my day, you’d likely notice headphones in my ears … because I’m listening to podcasts. Some many of you wives are also on-the-go all the time, and our podcast provides an easy way for you to get information you need and want, while still getting everything most a fair amount of your to-do list done.

2. We have varied perspectives.

Bonny of Oysterbed7, Chris of The Forgiven Wife, Gaye Christmas of Calm.Healthy.Sexy. and I all have the same foundational viewpoint of sexual intimacy in the marriage bed. But we come from different backgrounds, different personal stories, different ways that God has worked in our lives to help us reach holy and healthy sex in our marriages.

So when you listen in to Sex Chat for Christian Wives, you get four sources of wisdom for the price of one. And together, we reach women who also come from varied backgrounds and varied personal stories. I suspect your personality or perspective is well represented by one or more of us.

3. We give practical advice.

Inspiration and life principles are great, but sometimes it’s a struggle to know how to apply that insight in your own life. On Sex Chat for Christian Wives, we share all kinds of ideas and tips about improving the marriage bed. We talk authentically about what works and what doesn’t.

Sure, we could spend a half-hour talking about the theology of sex and providing encouraging and inspirational thoughts — and we do talk about these important things — but we want wives to have real-life takeaways from every single episode.

4. We make you laugh.

We certainly make ourselves laugh. Just check out latest episode on Sex Is Funny. But we also make listeners snicker, laugh, and guffaw … which we consider a great service to you and to marriage beds.

I’m fully aware how much deep heartache and ongoing frustration exists around the subject of sexual intimacy in some marriages. I would never want to minimize that. However, Christians can also become so serious about sex that we forget that it’s supposed to be fun. And talking about it in a fun way, when appropriate, can inspire couples to take more of that tone in their own marriages.

5. We give away stuff.

As of February 14, 2018, we’ll have been podcasting for a full year! (Cue the balloons and confetti!) To celebrate, we are hosting an amazing anniversary giveaway.

Twenty-two (22) runners-up will each receive free shipping for life from Marriage Spice, an online Christian marital aid store. Three (3) runners-up will receive free shipping for life from Marriage Spice plus a bundle of e-books from us: The Busy Life Diet by Gaye ChristmusUnlock Your Libido by Bonny Burns; Intimacy Revealed by J Parker; and Behind Closed Doors by J Parker.

And one Grand Prize winner will receive a $150 Gift Certificate from Marriage Spice! Whoa. That’s a lot of money you could invest in stuff for your bow-chicka-wow-wow.

For rules and how to enter, click the image below:

Well, there you go! Five fantabulous ways we are here to help your marriage bed.

Be sure to subscribe through iTunes, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast carrier (I use Pocket Casts). New episodes release every other Tuesday!

And yo, don’t leave before I remind you that my ebooks are currently on sale for a low, low price. If you’ve seen this ad a few times and haven’t clicked yet, go check it out.

E-book sale ad

Click to Buy

High Five Resources for the New Year

In Monday’s post, I explained that I’m not choosing a theme this year to write about on Saturdays, as I have done before. Instead, I’m going to use those Saturdays to provide five resources and/or tips to encourage you in your marriage and sexual intimacy. Because I like word play, I’m calling this my High Five for the week!

Since we often start January with resolutions or goals or hopes for what we can accomplish in the new year, today I’m sharing five resources to help you improve sex in your marriage in 2018.

blog post title + caricature of me high-fiving the air

1. Listen to Our Latest Podcast Episode.

My three podcast partners and I chat about the importance of health for yourself and for improving sexual intimacy in your marriage. We go beyond exercise into other areas that impact your health and lovemaking.

Or I could just call this The Episode in Which a Bedroom Pole Is Mentioned. (See, that’s click bait, right?)

Sex Chat for Christian Wives logo + episode title

CLICK TO LISTEN

2. Get Intimacy Revealed: 52 Devotions to Enhance Sex in Marriage Now!

The ebook is currently priced at $2.99 through Amazon or Barnes & NobleIntimacy Revealed provides 52 devotions, one for each week — or whatever you pace you want — focused on applying God’s Word to your view of sexuality and the marriage bed. I provide thoughts on each passage, as well as questions you can answer and a prayer.

While I wrote the book for wives, I’ve had couples say they went through the devotions together and found it very helpful in opening up conversations about sex in their marriage.

CLICK TO BUY

3. Join my Facebook community!

A few months ago, I launched a closed group on Facebook where spouses can interact about my posts and general marriage questions. It’s been really nice to see people post questions and get insight from others. And I hear that it’s nice for people to be able to comment on my posts without their parents or siblings or kid’s preschool teacher seeing what they say about sex.

You can request to join the group HERE. I do moderate incoming members, and due to the interactive approach of the page, I’m only approving married, or engaged, people. By the way, it’s not always easy to know that someone is married, and I suggest some of y’all take a look at your Facebook profile with that in mind. Could a visitor or old friend easily see that you are currently married?

Group description image

CLICK TO JOIN

4. Sign Up for My Newsletter.

Confession: I was really spotty sending out my monthly newsletter last year. But I’m getting back on track. The newsletter shares my favorite posts of the prior month and must-reads from other blogs, some marriage humor, and a scripture for the month, as well as keeping you updated on the ministry.

You can sign up HERE.

5. Boost Your Libido This Year.

This last resource isn’t mine; it’s put together by Sheila Gregoire of To Love, Honor and Vacuum. But some wives really do struggle with a lower libido, and I really like this online video course she launched last year. She addresses several different factors that come into play and gives you practical tips to increase your sexual response and desire.

This is an affiliate link, but I don’t ever promote something on my blog that I don’t believe in. And I believe Boost Your Libido is an excellent resource that can help you have a better year in the libido department.

CLICK TO BUY

That concludes this week’s High Five. I’ll be back next Saturday with more resources and/or tips for your marriage bed!

Intimacy Revealed Ad - $2.99

 

Role Play, Movie Sex, and More Questions…Answered

It’s time for another Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast episode. This one is the first time my schedule allowed me to participate in answering listener questions. Here’s what we tackled this time around:

  • Does anyone really have sex like they do in the movies?
  • Is role play okay in a Christian marriage, even if it involves imagining something that would be wrong to do in real life?
  • How can an older couple maintain sexual intimacy?
  • Is it sexual when my husband says he enjoys looking at other women’s feet?

Interesting stuff, right?

This podcast has become one of my favorite activities, because (1) it gives me another avenue to reach out to wives, (2) I get to talk about one of my favorite subjects with three of my favorite bloggers, (3) I recognize the value of four Christian wives sharing foundational beliefs about sexual intimacy but coming at it from different histories and angles, and (4) we provide an example of how women can speak personally and authentically about sex in marriage with a biblical perspective. We pray that conversations like this become the norm in churches, where wives can find help, encouragement, and hope for their marriage bed.

Okay, all that mushy stuff aside, here’s the latest. Just click on the image, and it will take you to our website page where you can listen to the episode.

For Christian Wives - The podcast team answers listener questions

 

Don’t Have Time to Read about Sex? Then Listen.

I recently posted something on my Facebook page about the Sex Chat for Christian Wives podcast, and one commenter responded: “Wait you have a podcast? I didn’t realize!!”

At first, I thought: Really? You didn’t know? Because this is the header on my Facebook page:

Facebook Banner with photo of my book and podcast logo: "Check out the Book and the Podcast"

Then I thought about how often I scan stuff or don’t recall what I’ve seen. Not to mention that I’ve heard about a gazillion times that people need to see something repeatedly to remember it. I admitted that my fairly new podcast could have easily gotten lost among the noise of life.

So I wanted to make it easy for y’all, in case you haven’t listened yet. Below are links to all the episodes we’ve done. And by we, I mean this group of ladies:

Sex Chat for Christian Wives Facebook Banner: showing J, Bonny Burns of OysterBed7, Gaye Christmus of Calm.Healthy.Sexy, and Chris Taylor of The Forgiven Wife

It’s not my podcast. It’s a podcast in which four marriage and sex bloggers — me, Bonny Burns of OysterBed7, Gaye Christmus of Calm.Healthy.Sexy., and Chris Taylor of The Forgiven Wife — sit around a virtual kitchen table and discuss various topics. You’ll see the span of stuff we’ve covered so far below.

  1. Episode 1: Getting in the Mood – We launch our podcast with a conversation about getting your mind and body ready for sexual intimacy
  2. Episode 2: Sex Positions – Going beyond the missionary position, we talk about how and why to try new positions
  3. Episode 3: 50 Shades of Here-We-Go-Again – With the release of the second movie in the Fifty Shades series, we talk about this phenomenon and what wives should know
  4. Episode 4: Stress & Sex – Stress impacts our ability to engage in sex in marriage, so we discuss realistic ways of dealing with this obstacle
  5. Episode 5: Sex Scheduling – We talk about putting sex on your calendar, whether and how you should do it, and what benefits it might have
  6. Episode 6: Women’s Sexual Response – Discussing how our sexual response really works and what many people misunderstand about female arousal
  7. Episode 7: Exercise and Sex – Talking about why exercising is important for your sex life, not to mention your health and wellbeing
  8. Episode 8: Sex Toys – Covering what benefits, drawbacks, and concerns are involved with the use of sex toys
  9. Episode 9: Listener Questions –  Chris, Bonny, and Gaye answer questions about honoring feelings, multiple orgasms, and erectile dysfunction
  10. Episode 10: Tending Your Garden – We talk about taking care of your “garden,” aka your lady parts; hygiene, grooming, and decorating
  11. Episode 11: Introducing the Podcast Team – Digging deeper into who we are and why we do what we do
  12. Episode 12: Guy Talk – The Importance of Sex – Chris interviews men from the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association core team, and we comment afterward about their male perspective
  13. Episode 13: Mismatched Sex Drives – We chat about the challenge of differences in sex drives and how to handle the mismatch

And tomorrow, look for a new episode with more Guy Talk.

I’m planning to add a fourth day to my blog every other week, in which I share the new episode so that you won’t miss it! But the best way to make sure you are plugged into our (fabulous) podcast is to subscribe to new posts through our RSS feed, and/or find us on your favorite podcast provider. We’re on iTunesiHeart, Stitcher, and more. I personally listen to podcasts on the Pocket Casts app, and I had no trouble finding Sex Chat for Christian Wives.

Now and then, we encounter some audio issues, because (1) we’re recording the episode via Skype phone call and (2) we are not audio engineers. But we have purchased better equipment, continue working on our editing skills, and try to provide the best episodes we can. Regardless, we believe our content is absolutely worth your time.

We’d love for you to listen, leave a review on iTunes or other podcast provider sites, and share our podcast with others. We want to spread the message about God’s gift of sexual intimacy in marriage and address the challenges we wives face in embracing that gift fully.

Also, as someone recently said to us, “it sounds like y’all have fun.” We really do. We enjoy one another, our conversations, and the experience of inviting other wives to slide their own chair up to the virtual kitchen table and listen in.

Screenshot of Skype phone call, with all four of us smiling

Having fun on the podcast!