Your hubby rings all your bells and makes your girly places sing with delight. If someone shoved a survey at you asking the question “Are you satisfied with the sexual intimacy in your marriage bed?” you’d immediately think the answer has to be yes. After all, wasn’t that last lovemaking session pretty darn good? But your hand would hover over the paper or the keyboard for an extra few seconds, wondering if you’re really as satisfied as you should be.
It’s entirely possible to have amazing sex and not be satisfied with your sexual intimacy. Maybe you long for more kisses, wish the foreplay would last longer, want more variety in your marriage bed, or your lovemaking just doesn’t feel loving. Maybe your relationship outside the bedroom is struggling, so those great moments of sexual intimacy are only a respite from the real-world situation with your husband.
Truly satisfying sexual intimacy includes several components, and the physical is just one of them. Now I’m all about tending to the physical, because it is important to know how to arouse your beloved and bring them to the peak of pleasure. It’s why I wrote Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design — with godly, practical how-tos for your marital bedroom.
But technique and orgasms aren’t everything. Sexual intimacy as God intended also includes relational, recreational, and spiritual aspects. And if one of those matters to you a great deal and isn’t being met, then the sex might be great, but your satisfaction isn’t all that it could be. What can you do about it?
Relational. If the marriage isn’t going well, it can be hard to feel as much as you want to during lovemaking. Satisfying sex requires vulnerability, and if you are struggling with trust outside the bedroom, it’s hard to trust inside the bedroom. Now I’ve written, “Don’t wait for everything in your relationship to be perfect before you commit to having the marital intimacy God intended for you two to enjoy.” (See Wifey Wednesday: What Comes First? Sex or Friendship?) In my own marriage, sexual intimacy was a glue that kept us together while working on relational stuff. And that’s been the experience of many other couples.
However, you can’t ignore the relationship. To have a long-lasting marriage and satisfying sexual intimacy for the long haul, you have to tackle your problems. That might involve you simply changing your perspective and habits, talking things out with your spouse, or seeking help from marriage mentors, your pastor, or a Christian counselor. I can’t give specific advice on what that looks like without knowing your story, but what I have found is that most wives know when something needs to change and have some ideas for supportive resources. If you don’t know, ask people you trust to point you in the right direction. By the way, the right direction will always include God walking with you on the path.
Recreational. Do you lack a feeling of playfulness and openness in your bedroom? Do you feel uncomfortable with your body and sharing your thoughts and even sense of humor? Your lovemaking isn’t a comedy revue, but I’ve often said that sex can be funny. From squeaky bed frames to getting your wires crossed to child interruptions, there’s plenty of smile-worthy entertainment in a healthy couple’s marital intimacy. But if you feel like it’s a supremely serious activity or that you can’t fully be yourself, you miss out on this recreational component.
Lighten up. Recognize that sex doesn’t always look like a perfectly choreographed romance novel. Recognize that our bodies are absolutely beautiful and sexy, but they can also sag in strange places and produce vaginal farts (queef, if you want to know the slang term). Recognize that God meant sex to be a fun activity, not merely a marital duty. And talk to your husband about these things, asking if you can both relax more and enjoy the moment. You might be surprised to find that he didn’t expect you to be a posed and poised lover at all times; he just wants you to be you.
Spiritual. Some wives struggle because their husbands are either nonbelievers or less committed to God. Deep down, we want to be equally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14) with our husbands; we want to share our faith and devotion to Christ. Other wives simply don’t feel that sense of the sacred when they enter the bedroom. It’s as if sex operates on a completely different plane from your spiritual life.
But if God says something is good, it’s good. (See Genesis 1:31 and Acts 10:15.) The marriage bed has His blessing, and He resides there with you. So how can you bring the spiritual into your bedroom? Whether or not your husband engages in this with you, remind yourself that sex in marriage is a gift from your Father, thank God for your sexual intimacy, and pray for your husband and your sexual intimacy.
Tend to the area of your marriage that needs nurturing so that sexual intimacy, and your whole marriage, is a satisfying experience that honors your Heavenly Father.
For practical tips on the physical, as well as wisdom for relational, recreational, and spiritual aspects, be sure to check out Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design. Available for pre-order now.