Tag Archives: Christian sex tips

Resolution Week: "And Now for Something Completely Different…"

To me, New Year = Fresh Start. Yes, I know it’s just a date on the calendar, but it feels like a new beginning is on the horizon.

You don’t need the New Year, though. Whenever you want, you can press the reset button and do things differently from how you did them before. That’s what I want to talk about today, on the last day of Resolution Week—just doing something different with the sexual intimacy in your marriage.

Why do something different?

Readers come to my blog for two main reasons: (1) to figure out how to address a problem with the sex in their marriage, or (2) to get ideas on how to maintain and nurture the sex in their marriage.

(There’s a third group, a very small one, who read to find out what “the other side” is saying and pipe up from time to time to debate. But let’s not worry about them.)

For those in either of the two main groups, you’ve been doing X, but doing Y could make things better. If you have sexual struggles, you can receive:

  • encouragement to pursue better sexual intimacy
  • insight about how your spouse might be thinking or feeling about the situation
  • summaries of medical, scientific, and common-sense approaches to resolving physiological obstacles
  • biblical perspectives on God’s design for sex in marriage
  • suggestions for meeting your spouse’s emotional and sexual needs, or getting your own met
  • how-to tips for making sex better for you and for your beloved

If you have healthy physical intimacy in your marriage, you can receive:

  • how-to tips for specific sexual activities
  • inspiration to have more frequent and/or more intimate sex
  • regular reminders to keep doing what makes your spouse feel loved
  • biblical insight about how your marital intimacy reflects God’s goodness
  • updates on sex research that can improve your pleasure or connection
  • ways to expand your sexual repertoire

But let’s face it: Hot, Holy & Humorous is about persuading you to do something even a little different from what you did before. If every reader remains in absolute stasis, what’s the point of me writing another word?

Yet, I do write. I do hear from readers. I do know this site, along with other marriage ministries, has a positive impact.

Is different automatically better?

In case you didn’t get the reference in this post’s title, “And now for something completely different” was a catchphrase from the British show Monty Python’s Flying Circus. It was inserted in between comedy sketches, some of which were really great and some of which were what were they thinking?

Likewise, just doing something different in or regarding your marriage bed could be a what were you thinking? moment. But it could also be really great.

How do you know your idea is different-great?

1. It aligns with God’s design for sex in marriage.

Whatever you do in the marriage bed should be God-approved, mutually acceptable, and spouse-honoring. It should align with God’s will.

2. It benefits both of you.

It should be something that not only serves your ends, but also meets your spouse’s longings. Marriage isn’t about you or me, but rather us. You don’t want one spouse thinking the new thing is great while the other responds, “What on earth were you thinking?”

3. It is pursued in love.

You can have wonderful intentions, but if your tactics stink, you won’t get far. Your spouse will likely, and understandably, become defensive. So the different thing you go after should be pursued in a loving way, without pressure or manipulation.

To Leap or to Toddle?

If I had a dollar for every time I or one of my podcast partners said the phrase “baby steps,” we’d be retreating on a Caribbean beach somewhere right now. Working, of course—wink, wink—but with our toes in the sand and the water lapping at our ankles.

Truth is, when one spouse wants to do something different, the other spouse can get worried. What do you mean “different”? Am I not enough? Are you going to want that weird thing again? I refuse to dress up as a gorilla no matter how turned on it might make you! ~snicker~

Now some of you should leap into something different. You’ve been in a pit for far too long, and you need to jump into a marriage class or counseling. Or perhaps you two are mutually on board with trying something sexual that’s a little “out there”—not outside God’s design, but pretty creative.

For most spouses, however, baby steps are the way to go.

Just do something a little extra or different next time, then expand a little from there, then to the next thing and the next thing… Until your baby steps have gotten you down the path a ways and you’re both happy with where you are.

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Different Strokes for Different Folks

So what are some “different but great” ideas? Let me help!

Below are more than 20 suggestions. Each item is not for every couple. Find something that would benefit your particular marriage or brainstorm your own ideas.

Just choose something, or several somethings, different to do this year and see how it can improve your sexual intimacy. If it doesn’t work, you can always chuck it and try something else.

Note: Remember that when it’s something God specifically calls us to do, it may take a while to see the positive results. “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9 ESV).

12 Ways to Make Good Sex Even Better

How’s the sex in your marriage going? Pretty good? Well, how about 12 ways to make it even better!

1. Invest in heavy kissing first.

I’ve said before that I don’t think married couples kiss enough, but research also shows one of the activities that helps women climax is heavy kissing. Once married, we often move to quickly to the main event, not taking time to “make out” like we used to. Spend a little more time locking lips, and you might enjoy that main event more.

2. Undress with a tease.

Draw out anticipation by taking off clothes slowly. You could perform a strip tease, easing out of your clothing bit by bit with a playful or sexy tone. Or he could strip tease for you! But you could also simply undress him at a leisurely pace. And tease his skin just at or under the edge of his clothing before removing an item.

3. Tour one another’s bodies.

Yes, we all know where the “goodies” are, but how about spending more time on the whole, amazing body God gave your husband? Using your hands and/or mouth, trace his skin in various places—limbs, torso, head—as if memorizing it. If you need help to slow down this endeavor, offer to spread lotion or massage oil on your husband. Or ask him to spread it on your body.

4. Say what you like or want.

When asked what makes a woman sexy, a common answer among husbands is “confidence.” I know, I know…easier said than done. But if you can say what you are enjoying in the moment or request what you want, that’s a confident move and typically arousing to your man. Not to mention that you then get more of what you want and like in bed! After all, how is your hubby supposed to know how things feel to you unless you tell him? Speaking up for yourself is a win-win.

5. Spend some time “down there.”

Do you really know your husband’s penis? Could you, as they say, pick it out from a lineup? If not, maybe it’s time to engage in man-part appreciation. For general information, listen to our Male Anatomy podcast episode, but for specifics, explore all those places on your particular guy. Move into position where you can closely view and handle things down there. As you touch your husband, watch his reactions so that you learn what he likes and how you affect him. God created this vital part of his body, and both of you can be aroused by embracing its wondrousness.

See also Get to Know His Penis from The Forgiven Wife.

6. Go for your orgasm first.

You might not get one if you’re relying solely on intercourse, as many women have difficulty achieving it this way. But if you aim for your climax first, you could: orgasm before he enters; have him penetrate right as you’re beginning to peak; and/or get a second orgasm during intercourse. No bad options there, right? Plus, the arousal your body goes through to reach orgasm should make your vaginal lips ready for penetration—that is, swollen to 2-3 times their normal size and well-lubricated. (If you need additional lube, though, go for it.)

7. Pause once he’s inside you.

You can do this for a few seconds or longer, but once your husband’s penis is all the way in, take a moment to savor that feeling before thrusting begins. Do this yourself from a woman-on-top position, or ask him to stop for a moment until you’re ready to continue—or, let’s face it, until he can’t easily handle the delay any longer. It’s pretty amazing how God created our bodies to fit together, so take a brief interlude and appreciate that experience.

8. Tilt your hips.

Whatever sexual position you use, tilt your hips. More. A little more. You might be delightfully surprised how shifting your hips forward or backward changes the angle of entry and thus the sensations you feel. Even if you don’t orgasm during intercourse, indirect stimulation of the clitoris can be particularly enjoyable, and hip-tilting can help you get some friction to that area. Some couples are also able to achieve contact with her G-spot or Skene’s glands, the latter of which (experts believe) is responsible for female ejaculation.

Want specific position ideas? Check out the resource below.

9. Close your thighs.

This isn’t possible with every sexual position obviously, but you can tighten things up a bit for your husband by closing your thighs, down to your knees. Yep, women were once instructed to avoid sex by keeping their knees closed. But it turns out, once hubby’s in, that’s a good way to narrow the entryway slightly, potentially providing more pleasure for both of you. For even more narrowing, try crossing your legs.

10. Do Kegels.

You know those Kegel exercises you’re supposed to be doing for the health of your pelvic floor? Why not do a few while he’s inside you? A wife’s orgasm creates muscle spasms of her vagina, which tightens around his penis, feeling good to both of you. But you can mimic those spasms a bit with Kegels. Bonny Burns lays out in this post from OysterBed7 how Kegels can also strengthen your orgasm. Since you’re supposed to be doing them anyway, why not during sex?

11. Snuggle after sex.

Do you bask in the afterglow? This could be a key moment for you and your husband to feel more intimate and satisfied. Post-climax, you have several body chemicals running through you, including oxytocin (which promotes a sense of bonding), dopamine (which “rewards” us for what just happened), and serotonin (which provides a feeling of well-being and happiness). Let these feelings wash over you while lying in one another’s arms.

And yes, ladies, you should get up and pee post-coitus, but you needn’t panic about it. Health professionals say you can take several minutes to an hour to make it to the bathroom and still get the health benefits of clearing your bladder.

12. Thank God for His gift.

I’ve encouraged couples to pray for their sexual intimacy and even before, during, or after sex. Still, some are uncomfortable with the thought of God in their bedroom. I get it. It can feel awkward to be mid-intercourse and imagine God blessing your union right then and there. But afterward, take a moment to thank Him for this unique gift to marriage. And if you’re still struggling with sexual issues or concerns, take those to Him too—letting Him carry your burdens and leave you with His peace. (See Psalm 68:19 and Matthew 11:28-29.)

Or just imagine giving Him a thumbs-up for that awesome orgasm you just had. Whatever works for you.

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For more great tips on how to have sizzling sex, check out this book for wives!

*This post is for couples who have a reasonably healthy sex life. If you’re looking for advice on dealing with deeper sexual problems or a sexless marriage, I have many other posts on those topics and a search bar at the top of this website.

5 Sexually Sensitive Spots on Her Body You Should Know

It’s Saturday, which means it’s the day I share what I’m calling my high-five! That is, five things I want y’all to know about — whether it’s resources, previous posts, tips, or whatever else comes to mind.

Today, let’s talk about some sex specifics. Although I thought I knew my way around female anatomy pretty well when I started this blog, I’ve learned quite a bit since. So let me share five sexually sensitive spots on a wife’s body that you should know about.

Title in a "spot" (circle) with a spotted background

Wives, you should know about these places on your body—where they are, how they respond to touch, and how you want to incorporate them into sexual encounters in your marriage bed.

Wives, you should know about these places on your body—where they are, how they respond to touch, and how you want to incorporate them into sexual encounters in your marriage bed. Click To Tweet

Husbands, you should explore these areas yourself, taking feedback from your wife on what she likes because, while these are all high-arousal places, women have varied preferences on how they like them handled.

Okay, here are the five spots!

1. Nipples.

Ohmygoodness, did I just say nipples on my blog?! Yes. Yes, I did. Hey, we all have them, but in puberty the secretion of female hormones make their nipples far more sensitive than men’s. So while both genders report enjoying nipple stimulation, sexual touch in that area can cause particularly high arousal for wives.

A small percentage of women report being able to orgasm from nipple stimulation, and research has indeed shown that nipple stimulation lights up the same area in the brain the clitoris lights up: the genital sensory cortex.

But although most wives won’t achieve orgasm this way, paying attention to the nipples can enhance arousal, extend foreplay, and increase the intensity of an orgasm that originates elsewhere. So yeah … nipples.

2. Clitoral bulbs.

And now, we’re going to pause and have an anatomy lesson. Because if you thought the clitoris was just that little nub sticking out at the top of the vulva, you thought like a lot of us did. We were all taught that … and we were wrong. Here’s the real story:

Did you see those bulbs that go down the sides of the vagina? Those are also sensitive, arousing spots that can be stimulated with massage. Experiment with stroking the area on the outside and then inside of the labia majora, or outer vaginal lips. This area will require a little more firmness, but it can be a very pleasurable sensation and can lead to a longing for more direct touch of the clitoral hood.

3. Clitoral hood.

And here’s that part that sticks out at the top, which has often just taken the whole definition of clitoris for itself — selfish girl. Then again, you could make a case that she’s selfish for a reason … because making her a center of attention can really pay off in the marriage bed.

Directly stimulating the clitoral hood is often the best way, and sometimes the only way, a wife can achieve orgasm. If you want great tips on stimulating that area, with hands or tongue, I have relevant chapters in my book, Hot, Holy, and Humorous: Sex in Marriage by God’s Design, which is currently on a huge sale for the ebook!

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4. G-Spot.

Whether the G-Spot is real seems to get debated as much as the existence of Bigfoot or extraterrestrial life. But having had those aliens land in my bedroom, so to speak, I’m in the camp of believing that the G-Spot is not only real, but wants you to make contact.

The G-Spot is merely an area on the front side of the vagina that, when stimulated, can produce very pleasurable feelings. Some say it can produce orgasm as well, but others say that it’s contact with the extensive clitoris that actually makes that happen. Regardless, if you can find the G-Spot — and it’s not imperative that you do — you might enjoy the sensation. Your best bet is using fingers, but it’s possible for the penis to reach it. Here’s an illustration to help you know where to go looking:

Female anatomy illustration

By Tsaitgaist – Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=8940986

5. Skene’s Glands.

Take another look at that drawing above. Right above the G-Spot are the Skene’s glands. What is that area for? I don’t know, other than being connected to what’s sometimes called “shejaculation.”

You see, some women report that having that area stimulated results in both good sensations and the release of fluid. This fluid isn’t the same content or consistency as lubrication secreted through the vaginal walls. And while it’s not really all that well-explained by science yet, many wives have experienced this phenomenon colloquially referred to as “squirting.”

Let me warn you, however, that it’s mostly a crapshoot to find these glands. They vary in size from woman to woman, so it might be relatively easy to find for one wife and nearly impossible for another — and that could be about nothing more than different structure.

However, I also want to reassure you that this isn’t the peak of stimulation. It can feel good and produce an intriguing expulsion of liquid, but it’s not like full-throttle orgasm. If you never find it, that’s okay — you have plenty of other spots to explore and enjoy.

So those are the five spots! Let me leave you with two final thoughts:

  1. Husbands, these are five sexually arousing places, but they are not the keys to the kingdom. You get those keys by paying attention to your wife throughout the day, wooing her in the way she enjoys, giving extended attention to other places on her body she enjoys you touching and kissing, and finally, eventually, you can head for these goodies. Because by then, she’ll (hopefully) really want you there.
  2. Wives and husbands, these spots on not like playground rides where you can’t get on the swing and the seesaw at the same time. You can stimulate more than one spot here simultaneously! And doing so could yield big pleasure dividends. You never know until you try, eh?

Don’t forget to check out my book on sale right now! (Just click that banner. C’mon, you can do it!)

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Sources: Komisaruk, Barry R., Nan Wise, Eleni Frangos, Wen-Ching Liu, Kachina Allen, and Stuart Brody. “Women’s clitoris, vagina and cervix mapped on the sensory cortex: fMRI evidence.” The journal of sexual medicine. October 2011. Accessed January 18, 2018. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3186818/.